One Thing After Another

“You’re leaving us?” Chan’s voice sounding a little choked up himself.
“I don’t want to,” I quivered out through my cries and into my knees.
Just like the day I was trampled by the crowd in front of the Pledis building, I cried for a while, with Dino still there. Though as my cries lessened, his warm hands left my back, but my crying continued.
“Hey,” his soft voice called for me. I sniffled in reply. “Come out of your shell, turtle,” he teased at me as he poked at my left arm. Worried about my ruined makeup and red face, I hesitated to pull my head up. Slowly I got the courage and brought my head up to see his eyes staring at me with worry and his eyebrows leaning inward slightly. I must look terrible right now.
“Channie what do I do? My life’s a mess,” I breathed out, causing the hair hanging over my face to fly upward and settle back in front of my face.
"It’s okay not to be okay,” Channie spoke and nodded his head softly, still keeping eye contact. He reached for the hair in front of my face and hung it behind my ear, “you can feel a little lost and things can be out of order. The world won’t end.”
Whether it was his calm voice or his patience, everything had become so clear as soon as Chan said it, I don’t know why. I’d been pushing myself way too hard with managing just so I could feel like I belonged somewhere. I hadn’t even given myself time to take a breath and relax. To do something else, not for other’s benefit, but my own. My whole life has been about doing something so I could forget and neglect something else which is important; who I am. I brought my focus back to the room, seeing Chan standing up and offering out his hand to me.
“You really think so?” I accepted his hand and he pulled me up carefully, with his other hand behind my back.
“I know so,” he stated still holding my back and hand, pulling me a little closer. “You may be the most organised person I know, but everyone has their own lost moments.”

“So,” Chan sighed out after we’d made it back to the couch and rewound the movie again.
“So,” I repeated. He seemed like he was sitting ever so closer than before. Like he wasn’t sure if I was fully okay yet or not. I didn’t even know myself.
“What are you doing tomorrow?” He turned his head towards me, and me towards him. He looked at me the same way he did before I cried, and I was thankful for that.
“Looking after you?” I replied what I immediately thought.
“Eunnie, I’m fine now! You don’t need to babysit me anymore,” crossing his arms he looked too happy to be wanting me here looking after him. Contrary to what he was saying.
“That’s what you think,” I scoffed and mumbled to myself, looking back at the movie.
“If anyone needs looking after it’s you,” he poked my arm again playfully.
“Me?!” I flicked my head like a switch to him, my eyebrows furrowing inward. Beaming at my response, he laughed enthusiastically. I pushed his arm away, causing him to fall sideways on the couch, though he continued to laugh, placing a permanent smile on my face. “But I am going out for a while tomorrow,” I hesitated throughout my sentence, looking back at Dino multiple times in anxiety for his response.
“With Soonyoung hyung?” His voice immediately changing into a monotone speech, his smile fading as he sat back up. My heart rose in speed thinking about how I was going to let Soonyoung oppa know how I really felt.
“Yeah I umm, got to explain some things to him,” I had to let Chan know what I was seeing him for. Now that he’s seen me cry multiple times, he’s seen sides of me not many people have.
“Things?” His eyes lit up a little more as he turned his attention from the tv and towards me.
“Gotta let him know how I feel. I’m so nervous,” I grabbed the pillow beside me and hugged it tightly. I closed my eyes for a bit, rehearsing lines I would tell Hoshi tomorrow, though no amount of practice would make me feel better. Chan nudged me with his knee, bringing me out of my trance.
“Just be honest with him. He’ll appreciate that.”
That’s what I was aiming for when I went to met Hoshi. I tossed and turned between decisions that night. I had no idea how he would react to the situation.

Each changing digital number that increased from the elevator’s monitor made my heart sink further and further down. Coming out on the 15th floor and heading towards the rooftop staircase.
Before opening to the door to the rooftop, I took a slow breath in and out, with my eyes closed. Picking up my sunken heart I twisted the door handle and walked onto the rooftop, immediately getting hit by a soft wind. This was a good day to be up here. Damn...
“Eunnie manager!” His cheerful voice making my head turn towards his direction where he was sitting on a lifted platform.
There he goes calling me by my work name again.
His beaming smile accompanied by enthusiastic wave. I waved back with a lack of excitement. I’m blaming Chan for this entirely. If it weren’t for him being so charming, I wouldn’t have to let down Soonyoung like this. It made no sense but I needed sense in this moment of worry.
Heading towards him I tried to settle and organise the thoughts rushing through my head. As I got closer I could see he had set up a little array of snack foods, making me feel guilty already.
gripping my handbag’s straps tightly, I got closer and sat on the other side of the picnic set. This whole time an awkward silence ran between Soonyoung and I. “Sorry we have to be on a rooftop,” his clock eyes showing once again and he chuckled through the apology.
“I understand oppa, it’s okay,” I shook my head slightly before we both looked out over the horizon. "Such a nice day,” I commented on the weather cliche-like. Silence began once again. It was so unusual. Especially between us. We’d never been tongue-tied or speechless with each other, and it seemed like the idea of us being anything but friends, just made what we had before, awkward… and I hated that.
“Can I tell you something?” Grabbing me out of my thinking trance, Hoshi posed the question.
“Go ahead,” I gave a small nod and smile. He smiled back before looking out into the semi clear sky. I looked at him side image as he thought.
“This was where I first fell for you Eunnie,” his smile grew bigger as he seemed to recall our time spent on rooftops, “well not this exact rooftop but a rooftop!”
“You mean at the broadcasting station?” I looked around the rooftop remembering that day as well. Only being a few days into the new job everything was so hectic in my head around that time.
“You made me feel happy that day. I felt like I could tell you anything,” he confessed, facing me to say it. I looked into his eyes seeing a need. I was this far in, and he really seemed like he needed to tell someone something, so I nodded for him to continue. He paused for a moment. The confident Hoshi disappearing a little, revealing Soonyoung. He looked into his lap where his fingers fiddled. “Being the group’s vitamin is difficult sometimes, I have to keep a constant happy vibe going for the group, and it’s hard.” His eyes wandering a little from me, to the basket between us and to the sky surrounding us. My heart sunk a little at the thought of Soonyoung keeping these thoughts away from the other boys.
“I was feeling similar recently too. I’ll tell you what someone else told me,” I sighed with content before I continued, “it’s okay not to be okay.” Soonyoung looked up at me with attentive eyes. “You’re allowed to be upset or frustrated, in fact it’s healthy!” I chuckled a little, realising this wasn’t a laughing moment, I stopped and looked at the sky once again. “I cried yesterday.” I confessed with a little smile.
“Why?!” Hoshi almost jumping up as he turned his body towards me, leaning forward in worry. My heart now beginning to pound.
Now or never.
“Because I realised… I was being dishonest.” I looked down at the basket as I spoke, though I could feel Hoshi’s eyes on my every word. “We all have hard times, let them know how you feel Soonyoung. The next practice or something.” I suggested to him as I began to unload the food from within the basket.
We took a break from all the talking to eat. Hoshi overreacting to the sandwiches I had made. Still nervous, all I nibbled on were chips.
“Can I tell you something too?” I fidgeted with the chip as I asked him. My heart raising as I looked downward away from his gaze.
“Of course,” he happily replied, turning his body to face me. Even placing his sandwich down to give me his full attention, making me feel pressured even more.
“Soonyoung, you’re such a lovely person and if I’m being honest… you’re my best friend.” Every word felt like a weight being pulled off my shoulders. As painful as it was, I needed to say this.
He smiled up to the sky above us. I frowned a little confused.
He giggled a little. Now I’m really confused…
“I get it Haeunnie. You don’t have to be so nice about it.” He playfully swiped his hand in the air as he spoke with a solemn smile on his face.
My eyes wide, “what?”
“To be honest, I felt like this was coming,” He nodded to himself as he spoke, “Dino and you are so close, and we’re not like that.” My chest deflated. I hated hearing this from him, especially as he spoke with a smile.
“I’m sorry Soonyoung-oppa, that I can’t reciprocate the feelings you have for me,” I looked sadly at the chip I was playing with. I looked back to him with worry in my eyes. I stereotypically wanted to still be friends with him.
“God, even when you reject me you’re so kind,” He laughed a little, but his smile dropped as he paused, “it’ll be difficult to get over someone like your Haeun.” He nodded to himself, as his looked into his lap. The soft wind sweeping our conversation away, leaving us to linger over what we would do now.
“I mean we can still be friends…” I whispered to myself as I broke the chip into smaller pieces.
“You’re friend-zoning me?! Wow!” He heard. I shook my head and hands vigorously as he laughed at my reaction.
Reminiscing on the memories of the past couple of months, the good and the bad, it seemed like we had almost forgotten about our confessions to each other.
The time he had gotten me in trouble by saying he had a love interest on television.
The time Dino had gotten hurt under my supervision.
And this time, when I friend-zoned him.

_______________________________________________________________________

My keychains dangling and chiming against one another, I unlocked the house door. “I’m home,” I sang out tiredly. A night of studying in the library had tired me out mentally. Like routine, I took off my shoes and wandering into the kitchen to open up the fridge for something to eat. As I found a leftover mochi, I took a big chuck out of it as I turned to walk towards the lounge, but stopping in my tracks as I saw my Uncle. Sitting on our couch, he was still in his suit but his tie was loosened. My mother sitting next to him with a stern look directed towards my Uncle.
“Uncle! You’re in my house,” I said with a mouth full of mochi. I walked awkwardly into the lounge and sat down in the couch across from them.
“I am,” he said through a sigh. His hands nervously fiddling. I nodded still confused as to why my Uncle was here so late, and why he was acting so differently. Silence started between us before my mother chipped in.
“Go on then,” she said as she gestured towards me with her eyes.
“Haeun, I was thinking about your call the other day… and you’re right. I’ve been overloading you,” he said looking mostly into his lap and sometimes over at me. Now I was even more confused. My Uncle thinks I’m right for once? I paused to take in what he had said, staring at him unconsciously.
“Is this all coming from the fact that mum is sitting right next you to you?” I blinked multiple times looking back and forth from my mother to him.
“Maybe…” He answered a little too quickly.
“Sung soo-ah!” My mother swung her arm to hit his side, her eyebrows furrowed themselves inward. Uncle holding his arm and leaning away in defence.
“Mum!” She snapped her head to me. “Can you just, leave us for a minute?” She blinked a few times before smiling at me and giving Uncle a warning look before getting up and walking to the kitchen. I resumed to look at Uncle, in hopes that he would elaborate why I was “right.” He noticed my look of curiousity and spoke.
“Haeun, I’ve been pushing you so hard because you have such potential. Though I never took into account just how you were handling it all. Or even whether you wanted the same as I do for you.” He spoke with clarity, as if he’d been practising the words for right now. I took all he said in for a minute, hearing my mother make dinner in the kitchen my mind wandered. It’s been so long that I’ve waited for my Uncle to see my struggle, and after seven years, he finally has.
“I always loved managing Uncle, even the tough situations. But you took me out of those situations. I never got to solve them for myself, or feel like I accomplished anything.” I set my half eaten mochi down to properly tell him how I felt.
“I know, and I’m sorry for that.” He said nodding his head while looking at me, “that’s why I’m ready to let you go.” He sighed out the last words as if it were difficult for him to admit.
“What?” Blinking multiple times to make sure I was hearing and seeing this correctly.
“You can leave Seventeen. Leave managing, or at least until you feel like you’re ready to come back.” He opened his hands and clamped them back together as he spoke. My heart stopped a little, at the thought of not managing. In all cases I would say no definitively… but these circumstances I’ve been having lately has made me nearly drowning.
“You’d... let me do that?” I blinked multiple times in disbelief.
“Of course! Go be a teenager for once,” he smiled a little as he suggested the idea.
“A teenager…” The thought of a normal teenage life took me by surprise. I couldn’t even think of what I would do, but I was so excited by it.
The decision wasn’t hard, though it seems like it would have been.
Chan’s talks came to mind immediately. Not of the time we’d spend together but rather the time I’d spend with myself.
“I think I will take you up on that offer."

Notes

WOOOOW so long!!! it said ten months!!!
what kind of piece of trash have i become that i have let this slide form my priority list for ten W H O L E months
I'll be honest with you, I have been busy thinking about school and other story ideas i had that I needed time to get back into the mindset of this story's characters (school was especially i n t e n s e).
You'll probably have to read the last few chapters to remember this story HAHA
Never the less, hope life is going well! Try to see the smaller more positive things in your life and remember to talk to people (it would surprise you that humans are interactive beings I KNOW crazy right?).
I'll upload the next chapter real soon, thanks for being the more patience people int he entire world literally.
xx