One Thing After Another

I didn’t think my words would disagree so much with my brain, but they came out. “I think I will take you up on that offer.”
The papers had started coming out, signatures set my future. I didn’t break it to Seventeen because their schedule was enormously busy, which meant I was too.

Scheduled to film a V LIVE, makeup and hair stylists filled the dressing room. As usual, the noise from the excited boys, kept my brain from processing my workbook’s content. I sighed as I closed the book and placed it on the table beside me. All I had was this one event left with Seventeen, I looked around to see groups of boys chatting, eating and scrolling through feeds. Catching Hoshi’s eye, we smiled at each other. Our of the corner of my eye Dino ran up beside me, crouching down to look me in the eyes, “how are we Eunnie?” He spoke with ease, my name flowing off his tongue as heads from around the room turned to look at us. Jun’s eyebrows flicking, Seungkwan softly hitting Dokyum who had a smile on his face and Dohyun sunbae giving us both a stern look. Feeling my cheeks go red, I stood up from the seat and walked swiftly out the dressing room’s door. Hearing his footsteps behind me, I led us into a quieter corridor of the company’s building.
“That was way too obvious Chan,” I checked the hallway as I spoke quietly, a few people passing by but they didn’t look.
“How was your date with Soonyoung hyung?” He spoke with his previous smile fading, avoiding my first comment.
“I didn't say it was a date,” I retaliated quickly, his expression growing in annoyance.
"Just curious…”
I heavily sighed. I knew that wasn’t all there was to it. We’d been acting this way as if nothing was going on. As if we didn’t mean anything to each other. I knew otherwise, and I had made sure of that yesterday with Soonyoung.
“Chan, tell me the truth,” I said with my eyes angled downward to avoid being drawn to his eyes. My arms unconsciously crossing themselves.
"I am!” He replied with a raised voice.
"Then why do I feel you’re not?!" I raised my voice back at him, starting to feel my eyes well in this situation. I hated the feeling of arguing with Chan.
"I tell you why then! Because you’re right, I’m not!” He almost yelled at me, my stomach jumping in fright of this new side of Chan. My arms falling to my sides. He continued to rant on as if he’d been holding it all back for so long. “I’ve been trying to keep my distant from you because of Hoshi hyung. I like you Eunnie. A lot. And it’s been so difficult for me to hide it!” He stepped forward slowly as he spoke. I took no steps away from him, continuing to let him rant about what he was holding in. His voice full of need and pain. His eyes welling just like mine. "Seeing you smile the way you do drives me crazy. Every time I’ve wanted to hug you or be close to you, I haven’t been able to!”
"Then don’t!” I replied with no hesitation, silencing him. We looked at each other almost waiting for one another to do something. As soon as he had said all those things to me, I realised, I’d been holding back so much on Chan. His smile drove me crazy, and maybe I was leaving soon, no one knew. In that moment, whether I was leaving or not was not relevant. I didn’t want to leave anything to regret. "Don’t hold back,” I hushed out. I didn’t need to say anything else. He softly grabbed my chin and pulled me close, kissing me with urgency. It was as if he’d been waiting for me to say those words to him since we first met. His soft lips pressing against mine, sent a spark of energy up through my spine. Pulling away, Chan still held my chin, and I could still feel where his lips had placed. Where I wouldn’t be able to feel them again. As my heart rose to my throat, I looked away from Chan’s euphoric face. “You can’t do that,” I whispered as I looked down at our feet, feeling a tear drop.
“Why not?” He spoke softly, his hands moving to my shoulders and head trying to search for my gaze.
“If I hadn’t fallen for you before, now I definitely have,” bravely I looked up with a bitter smile. His eyes widening in surprise, he wrapped his arms around my waist and leaned back so he could still see my face.
“Eunnie, are you crying? Was I that bad?” He wiped a tear off my cheek with a thumb, speaking with genuine concern. He watched my every move, trying to make what he could of my state.
“No, no,” I half laughed as another sad noise left my mouth. Eyes still connected, we studied each other, Chan breaking into a smile quickly. My heart was confused; it jumped, it sunk, it twirled then it dunked back into its place as my phone rung off a notification. Reaching for my phone in my back pocket, Dino’s arms releasing from their hold.
Jaehwa: On soon Haeun, where did you go?
The text snapping me back to reality. I looked back up to Chan, smiling feebly and softly pushing him from behind, “we should get going, you guys are on soon."

Watching him being all giddy while the show was recording, made me nervous. I hated myself for letting him in like that, but I loved it way too much to care. I was going to leave him after kissing him.
Just seeing the boys on set laughing and mucking around, made my stomach turn a little in the thought of never seeing this in person again.
Catching Chan’s eyes, his giant smile seemed to grow even more. Doubt filled my mind. Maybe I should stay with Seventeen.
No.
This is for me. I need to step away from them, for the benefit of me. I despised that I needed this.
Waiting in their dressing room with the hair and makeup stylists packing up, I bowed as they left.
“I’m just popping out to the bathroom,” Jaehwa sunbae said as she left through the door, leaving me alone.
Perfect timing.
I reached into my bag sitting on one of many chairs. Pulling out my notebook and a pen, I began to write;
Seventeen,
You boys have given me so many amazing memories.
You’ve welcomed me like family and I feel like am part of something here.
But in being a part of this, I’ve forgotten parts of myself; the parts that make me who I am.
I hope I served well as a manager that cherished you talented people. You deserve the world.
I’ll always be watching over you!
- Haeun Manager.

I sealed the note in an envelope and placed it by Woozi’s phone by a mirror. I said nothing in particular to Chan for worry that I may ruin the ink on the note with tears. I couldn’t say goodbye to him, or the rest of them. I slung my bag over my shoulder and took one last look at the messy dressing room. It was so silent, I could almost hear the boys voices from my head fill the room.
I blinked a tear out of my eye and left the room before I convinced myself not to leave.

The walk and bus ride home dragged on and on. I was aware I was crying, so were the people around me, but all the force in me couldn’t stop the flow.
I felt free and trapped. I could be me now, could Chan go back to himself?

__________________________________________________________________

It was only two weeks since I stopped managing the boys.
I thought I’d forgotten about them completely, but I was always reminded daily as I checked my phone.
It would buzz late at night with a text. Around the time the boys usually got home from their schedule.
Everyday.
“The boys miss you. I miss you.”
“Was it because of me? If so, come back and talk to me, please.”
I never opened them, for fear that he would notice, and expect me to come back. My notifications filled with texts and calls from ‘Channie’ and I hated myself a little bit more every day because I couldn’t work up the courage to reply to them. I’d finally given myself some breathing space by letting go of the job, but I still felt like part of me stayed with him.

I had my first sleepover with my best friend, Sohwa. We watched movies all night and gossiped about the girls at school who had cursed at me, and sometimes her. We even had popcorn and pizza, all stereotypical sleepover foods. Her parents let us take the lounge area for the sleepover when they heard it was my first sleepover. They were always so nice to me, and had the same eye smile as Sohwa had.
With our sleeping bags and blankets set up, we were eating through the evening but there was a lot more to go…
I was starting to think this sleepover stuff is more difficult than it seems...
“Don’t you think this is a bit over board with the pizza Sohwa?” I stared at the three full leftover pizzas sitting in front of us, bloated girls. It was 10:30pm and we were into our third film.
“This is your first sleepover! Plus I wasn’t sure how long we would stay up…” she said with a face full of pizza, looking guiltily happy.
“Back to Dohyun though, did he really do all that to you just so he could get a better shot at being a manager?” She swallowed before speaking, and got back on topic.
“Dohyun sunbae? He’s an alright person, he’s was just upset I got handed that job by Uncle. I mean I was angry at first too…” I stared at a pizza slice in its box, contemplating whether I could fit it in.
“Speaking of managing, have you been in contact with them?”
I paused.
His face flashed through my head.
I wanted to question who she was talking about but I knew. I just didn’t want to hear their name.
I didn’t want to hear his name. For pure fear that I would lose myself.
I could already feel it beginning…
I shook my head softly with a small smile to cover my heart that was speeding up, “Nah I haven’t.” I looked down at the popcorn bowl in my lap, not seeing popcorn with butter on it but Chan’s face flashing in my eyes. His serious half eyes that curved in a cresent moon in a split second with his beaming white smile. How his eyes shone like a full moon when he stared at me. I didn’t think I’d miss him as much as this. I tried to blink it out of my eyes but it was a stubborn image.
“What about Dino?” I paused again, looking almost automatically to Sohwa, before looking back at the movie playing in the background. I didn’t answer for fear that my true feelings might pour out all over this sleepover.
“Haeun… are you crying?” I looked at Sohwa’s worried face before feeling my cheeks. Surely enough there was a trail that a tear had made down my right cheek.
“Am I?” I looked at my wet fingers questioning my consciousness. “I guess I am.” The popcorn now saltier than before.
“I’m sorry for mentioning him, I didn’t know you missed him that much,” she immediately took her own popcorn bowl off her lap, scooting herself closer to me and placing a hand on my back. She offered out a tissue to me.
“I thought I would of gotten over him by now. I mean they always say first loves never work out,” I confessed as I took Sohwa’s tissue and rid my cheeks of tears. After a few rubs on the back and tear filled tissues, Sohwa suddenly stood up.
“That’s it. We’re doing karaoke,” she stated as she grabbed the TV remote of the couch and switched the app.
“What? Sohwa I’ve just been crying unconsiously,” my eyes following her as I spoke and she moved around the room, setting up two microphones.
“Exactly why you need a pick up!” She thrust a microphone at me.
“Okay, just no Seventeen songs…”


Eyes dry from staring at paragraphs and paragraphs of books, I wandered over to the bus stop closest to the library. I muttered quotes under my breath in preparation for the exam. The end of the year and finals seemed to speed their way towards my final year as a high schooler.
The cool night air hitting my warm cheeks. Arriving, I sat down under the shelter of the bus stop, I sighed staring at the pavement in front of me.

Just for a moment he flashed through my mind amongst Shakepeare quotes.

Pit.
Pit-Pat.

I looked upwards seeing the rain starting to build. Dammit, I didn’t bring an umbrella. Searching the rain, I turned my head to the right. A pair of feet caught my eyes, tracing his body upward my eyes found his. I exhaled heavily, my eyes stuck on his. We both paused but the rain kept pace with reality.
Frozen in place, his hair slowly became drenched, one of his hands holding an open umbrella against the ground. I pushed the bench away and pulled him by his soaking arm under the cover of the bus stop shelter. His expression still the same, blank. As if me being in front of him wasn’t reality.
“Chan,” I exhaled his name out with difficulty, "how did you- I mean don’t you-"
“You seem happy. That’s good,” he smiled a little as he spoke. Though it seemed to fade away quickly. Furrowing my eyebrows, I looked down to see I was still holding his arm. I snapped my hand off him, feeling the warmth leave me. For a second he looked at his arm I’d touched before looking back at me with a dejected look on his face.
Suddenly it felt like the rain had slowed down. It fell to the pavement slowly as I tried to analyse his every movement.
“I’m sorry Dino tha- that I left after we-,” I stuttered once again trying to explain the almost unexplainable.
“You know, I want to be mad and upset so badly with you right now.” He spoke up, a sad smile playing on his face. He looked up from his feet to find my eyes, “but I missed you so much and wanted you too much.” Taking huge strides, he closed the distance between us. I grew the distance by stepping backwards. His eyes wincing in reaction to my regressions. I couldn’t let us become close again, I couldn’t let myself. Still, with eyes on me, his eyebrows furrowed inwards and eyes searched me for answers, “how many texts and calls did I send you everyday? Everyday, I wanted it to be fake, the fact that I couldn’t see you and your smile.” His voice building in desperation and volume.
“How many times did I cry at your voicemail messages?” I spoke back with my voice wavering, “everyone knew it as well. They knew I missed you,” I gulped down my heartbeat and tears. “But I need this,” my voice clearer this time.
“Eunnie,” Chan almost mumbled out.
“And you need Seventeen,” I looked him straight in the eye. My voice crystal clear amongst even the rain, “can’t you see this is better for me? For both of us?” Chan’s face slowly faded through different emotions causing his eyes to well up, though I didn’t look away.
“So what was I to you?” He mumbled out to me, his figure shrinking as his eyes fluttered around the ground beneath us. A strong as I was appearing, I felt a familiar storm brew in my chest as I kept looking at Chan. No time seemed to change these feelings we both had, though I had a shred of hope it would.
I dropped my bag on the bus bench and quickly grabbed Chan’s hands, feeling their cold exterior fade slowly.
“You were everything to me, don’t ever think you weren’t.” I emphasised every word and all their syllables. He needed to see how important he was. How important he is. Looking at me, his welling eyes dropped a tear down his cheek, his hands shivering in mine. “I don’t think anyone, no… I know no one will have a hold of me like you do Chan. In the back of his eyes I could see a spark light up a little as I spoke.

Hearing my bus arriving heavily with it’s engines giving a heaving stop beside us, I looked at it wishing it were a minute or more late. Chan’s hands left the hold of mine and he swung his arms around my waist, gripping tightly. “Thank you for existing in my life, Eunnie. You showed me what real happiness feels like.”
My face scrunching up immediately to his profoundly honest words. I squeexed my arms around him and took in every sense I could. The warmth of his chest radiating towards me, his face buried into my neck, everything that I could remember this moment by. So I’d never forget it.
Leaving a tear on his shoulder, it took all of me to let go of him. “Give my best wishes to the boys,” without looking at him again I ran onto the bus, tapping my card and beelining my way to the back of the bus.
So there I was.
Sobbing in the back of the bus because of Chan for the absolute last time.

Notes

hello
plsdontkillmeiwasbusy
i'm uploading the last two chapters now