Insight
5:
Morning Calm accountant Kim Seokjin, 24, killed in fatal car accident. Kim was ejected from his vehicle after striking electrical pole late at night on Wednesday, June 25th, 2014...
There’s no way.
I don’t understand…any of this. I’m…dead? Why…why can’t I remember anything that night? Why? And if I’m dead in Jeongguk’s body, then where is he? Am I going to be here forever? I turned my phone off and deeply sighed, I got up from the table at a café and walked out not knowing where to go. I don’t belong here, I don’t belong in this time, I just want to go back home, I don’t want to be dead.
I felt tears forming behind my eyes, what do I do? I feel so alone.
My shoulder bumped into someone causing them to drop their food on the ground, “Shit, I’m so sorry,” I say, “Aish, that was my dinner,” the person groaned…Subin? She crouched down to pick up her ruined food off the ground, I hesitantly got down to help her, “I’m sorry,” I said again, she looks up at me, “You again??” she clicked her tongue, I looked down and saw it was her favorite dumplings the kind I used to make her all the time.
“I, I can buy you another,” she glares at me shaking her head, “The store that makes these dumplings just closed!” she got up and crossed her arms whilst tapping her foot looking disgusted at me.
A part of me wanted to laugh because it was the same face she used to make when I fell asleep on her or ate all of her snacks, it made my heart warm. “How much were they, I’ll give you cash to pay for it,” I say getting out my--er- Jeongguk’s wallet. “Forget it,” she muttered pinching the skin between her eyebrows, she turned around and began to walk away leaving with a sad expression.
Subin…you used to smile all the time. “How about….how about I make you some,” I called out after her, she paused turning around to look at me, “What?” “I can make you these dumplings, I’m pretty good at cooking.” I half smiled, she just stared at me with a confused look on her face, “well?”
I walked up the last flight of stairs in Subin’s apartment complex carrying bags of the ingredients for the dumplings. I have never been here, I guess she’s too old to live with her parents. It’s 2017 so she should be turning 26 this year. I wish I could have celebrated her last 2 birthdays with her, and, hopefully, this one. “Well we’re here,” Subin got out her keys and opened her door, it was dark inside. “Hold on, let me turn the light on,” she sighs, as soon as she flicks the light on my eyes almost boggled out of my eye socket, her apartment…was a mess.
“Sorry about the mess, just…didn't have time to clean okay?” She grabbed one of the bags of groceries out of my hand and walked to her small kitchen. I followed her and saw dirty dishes and food everywhere, “Sorry,” she says moving papers and stuff off the counter, “I usually don’t invite people over so, it’s always just been me. Kinda weird I brought a stranger home to cook me dinner,” she slightly chuckled. “no worries,” I say getting the ingredients out, “So…what’s your name, I forgot to ask earlier,” she looks at me, “Se—Jeongguk.” She raised her brows at me, shit, “okay, well, I’m Subin, Nam Subin,” phew, what a relief.
“You don’t….happen to be a student at the Art school….right? I mean I ran into you earlier today…” she eyes me, “No, no I’m a student at another college, I was just there—to uh, meet someone,” “A girl?” she chuckles, “what? No, um, an old friend,” “Sure well, let’s just keep this between us, you’re still a student somewhere else and I’m a teacher, I only invited you over because I’m desperate for home cooked food, nothing else you got it?”
“ah, right, of course,” As I started cooking Subin was sitting on her laptop at the small dining table next to the kitchen, this all just brought me back. I really enjoyed cooking for her back then, I promised to cook for her throughout our whole lives because I wanted to always be with her…and also because she can’t cook.
I want to know what she’s been up to…since I left, I want to know everything, I want to know if…she’s okay. “So, how long have you been a teacher?” I asked cutting onions, she slowly peeled her eyes from her screen, “2 years” “Ah, do you enjoy it?” “Eh, it pays the bills,” she nonchalantly answers, I slowly breathe out for what I'm about to ask next, “What about…your husband….what does he do?” She didn’t answer, which made me glance back at her, she licked her bottom lip and touched the engagement ring around her neck, “I don’t have a husband,” she says quietly, “Oh…sorry,” I muttered
“Oh my god, this is amazing!” she says taking a bite, it was my first time seeing her eyes lit up like before…when I was…me. “Where’d you learn to cook this??” “My mom,” I chuckled, watching her eat. “You’re good! It's almost as good as...nothing, uh it's just good,” she half smiled, I nodded knowing exactly what she meant. I looked at the time and saw it was getting late, I need to get back to the dorm before I worry Hoseok. “Well, I’m happy to make it up to you, sorry again for bumping into you…twice, anyway I need to get back,”
“I’ll walk you out,” she says getting up from the table. As I walked into the living room I saw a photo of me on the bookshelf, my heart dropped as I remembered…I’m dead. “What is it? You know that guy?” she came beside me, “What? Uh, no, I was just….admiring his beauty.” I coughed hoping it didn’t sound like a lie. I mean…not really a lie, I was one handsome man. She burst out laughing and it seemed so genuine, I used to make her laugh all the time, which is why she probably fell in love with me.
I wonder when was the last time she laughed? After being around her today she seems a bit off, like, not the Subin I know. “You’re funny Jeongguk, anyways, get home safe.” “Hey um, I can…I can clean your apartment for you if you want some other time.” I blurted out, she scrunched her eyebrows, “Huh?” I'm too desperate to see her again, “I can clean your apartment…if you’d like.”
She turns her head back looking at her messy apartment, “Uh, yeah, sure. But why? How much do you want?” “No charge, I just thought you might be busy with work and I don’t mind cleaning, I actually enjoy it..” I rambled on nervously, she slightly laughs, “You’re a weird kid Jeongguk, but okay, how about Thursday afternoon?”
There’s no way.
I don’t understand…any of this. I’m…dead? Why…why can’t I remember anything that night? Why? And if I’m dead in Jeongguk’s body, then where is he? Am I going to be here forever? I turned my phone off and deeply sighed, I got up from the table at a café and walked out not knowing where to go. I don’t belong here, I don’t belong in this time, I just want to go back home, I don’t want to be dead.
I felt tears forming behind my eyes, what do I do? I feel so alone.
My shoulder bumped into someone causing them to drop their food on the ground, “Shit, I’m so sorry,” I say, “Aish, that was my dinner,” the person groaned…Subin? She crouched down to pick up her ruined food off the ground, I hesitantly got down to help her, “I’m sorry,” I said again, she looks up at me, “You again??” she clicked her tongue, I looked down and saw it was her favorite dumplings the kind I used to make her all the time.
“I, I can buy you another,” she glares at me shaking her head, “The store that makes these dumplings just closed!” she got up and crossed her arms whilst tapping her foot looking disgusted at me.
A part of me wanted to laugh because it was the same face she used to make when I fell asleep on her or ate all of her snacks, it made my heart warm. “How much were they, I’ll give you cash to pay for it,” I say getting out my--er- Jeongguk’s wallet. “Forget it,” she muttered pinching the skin between her eyebrows, she turned around and began to walk away leaving with a sad expression.
Subin…you used to smile all the time. “How about….how about I make you some,” I called out after her, she paused turning around to look at me, “What?” “I can make you these dumplings, I’m pretty good at cooking.” I half smiled, she just stared at me with a confused look on her face, “well?”
I walked up the last flight of stairs in Subin’s apartment complex carrying bags of the ingredients for the dumplings. I have never been here, I guess she’s too old to live with her parents. It’s 2017 so she should be turning 26 this year. I wish I could have celebrated her last 2 birthdays with her, and, hopefully, this one. “Well we’re here,” Subin got out her keys and opened her door, it was dark inside. “Hold on, let me turn the light on,” she sighs, as soon as she flicks the light on my eyes almost boggled out of my eye socket, her apartment…was a mess.
“Sorry about the mess, just…didn't have time to clean okay?” She grabbed one of the bags of groceries out of my hand and walked to her small kitchen. I followed her and saw dirty dishes and food everywhere, “Sorry,” she says moving papers and stuff off the counter, “I usually don’t invite people over so, it’s always just been me. Kinda weird I brought a stranger home to cook me dinner,” she slightly chuckled. “no worries,” I say getting the ingredients out, “So…what’s your name, I forgot to ask earlier,” she looks at me, “Se—Jeongguk.” She raised her brows at me, shit, “okay, well, I’m Subin, Nam Subin,” phew, what a relief.
“You don’t….happen to be a student at the Art school….right? I mean I ran into you earlier today…” she eyes me, “No, no I’m a student at another college, I was just there—to uh, meet someone,” “A girl?” she chuckles, “what? No, um, an old friend,” “Sure well, let’s just keep this between us, you’re still a student somewhere else and I’m a teacher, I only invited you over because I’m desperate for home cooked food, nothing else you got it?”
“ah, right, of course,” As I started cooking Subin was sitting on her laptop at the small dining table next to the kitchen, this all just brought me back. I really enjoyed cooking for her back then, I promised to cook for her throughout our whole lives because I wanted to always be with her…and also because she can’t cook.
I want to know what she’s been up to…since I left, I want to know everything, I want to know if…she’s okay. “So, how long have you been a teacher?” I asked cutting onions, she slowly peeled her eyes from her screen, “2 years” “Ah, do you enjoy it?” “Eh, it pays the bills,” she nonchalantly answers, I slowly breathe out for what I'm about to ask next, “What about…your husband….what does he do?” She didn’t answer, which made me glance back at her, she licked her bottom lip and touched the engagement ring around her neck, “I don’t have a husband,” she says quietly, “Oh…sorry,” I muttered
“Oh my god, this is amazing!” she says taking a bite, it was my first time seeing her eyes lit up like before…when I was…me. “Where’d you learn to cook this??” “My mom,” I chuckled, watching her eat. “You’re good! It's almost as good as...nothing, uh it's just good,” she half smiled, I nodded knowing exactly what she meant. I looked at the time and saw it was getting late, I need to get back to the dorm before I worry Hoseok. “Well, I’m happy to make it up to you, sorry again for bumping into you…twice, anyway I need to get back,”
“I’ll walk you out,” she says getting up from the table. As I walked into the living room I saw a photo of me on the bookshelf, my heart dropped as I remembered…I’m dead. “What is it? You know that guy?” she came beside me, “What? Uh, no, I was just….admiring his beauty.” I coughed hoping it didn’t sound like a lie. I mean…not really a lie, I was one handsome man. She burst out laughing and it seemed so genuine, I used to make her laugh all the time, which is why she probably fell in love with me.
I wonder when was the last time she laughed? After being around her today she seems a bit off, like, not the Subin I know. “You’re funny Jeongguk, anyways, get home safe.” “Hey um, I can…I can clean your apartment for you if you want some other time.” I blurted out, she scrunched her eyebrows, “Huh?” I'm too desperate to see her again, “I can clean your apartment…if you’d like.”
She turns her head back looking at her messy apartment, “Uh, yeah, sure. But why? How much do you want?” “No charge, I just thought you might be busy with work and I don’t mind cleaning, I actually enjoy it..” I rambled on nervously, she slightly laughs, “You’re a weird kid Jeongguk, but okay, how about Thursday afternoon?”
