In Seongdong

“This apartment is making me claustrophobic,” Jiyong says one day.

Seunghyun lowers his tablet and looks at Jiyong, sitting next to him on the couch, then pointedly looks around the room. Jiyong’s living room could probably fit the entire apartment they dormed in as trainees, and it has floor-to-very-high-ceiling windows. But when he’s finished Jiyong just looks back at him with his lips pursed and his chin jutting out.

“Okay,” Seunghyun says. They have a rare free day together and Seunghyun was enjoying this mutual adjacent relaxing thing they were doing, but he can see that’s not how the day is going to go. “You know, I think we can get away with doing something together. You want to go shopping?”

“No.”

“A movie then? Or do you want to go out to eat? We could get some friends together –”

“No,” says Jiyong again.

“Well...what do you want to do?”

Jiyong chews on his thumbnail. “I want to have a daughter,” he says.

Seunghyun sets his tablet on the coffee table. “I don’t think I can help you with that, but if you want we can go to the bedroom and cross our fingers…”

His joke doesn’t go over so well. Jiyong scowls. “Hyung,” he says sharply. “I’m being serious.”

This isn’t the first time Seunghyun has heard Jiyong talk about this – he’s mentioned it in interviews, and people love it; love the idea of Jiyong, with his tattoos and avant garde outfits, with his other-worldly aura, wanting to spend his Saturdays chasing a kid around the park. And Seunghyun’s certainly heard him make comments that ring of longing – “That little girl is so cute,” “Ah, I love when kids try to wink, don’t you?” “I wish I had an excuse to shop for children’s clothing,” – but he’s never brought it up with Seunghyun directly before. Seunghyun was always glad of that. He knows this won’t be an easy conversation.

“I don’t know what to say to that,” Seunghyun says truthfully. “I don’t know what to tell you.”

“Well, you’ve thought about having kids, right?” Jiyong asks.

“No,” says Seunghyun.

“‘No’?” Jiyong repeats. “Never? Never once in your entire life have you considered it?”

“Well…” Seunghyun shrugs. “I mean, when I was younger I just assumed I would, the way I assumed I’d work in an office like my dad. But it seemed so far away. And I got older and things changed. And now…”

Seunghyun can see that Jiyong is panicking, that his breath is coming in short little bursts. “Now you’re with me so you don’t want kids?” he asks.

“No,” Seunghyun says, grabbing Jiyong’s arm and forcing him to maintain eye contact. “No, Jiyongie, I don’t mean it like that. It has nothing to do with you.”

Jiyong jerks his arm away. “How can it have nothing to do with me? When you say ‘things changed’ you mean ‘I started fucking you’, so how can it not be about me?”

“When I say ‘things changed’ I mean ‘I started a relationship with another man who is also famous’. Be realistic, Jiyongie. How could we raise a kid together without people finding out?”

“Why is it so horrible if people find out?”

“Are you joking?” Seunghyun can’t believe Jiyong just asked that. Is he high? Is he sick?

“No, I’m not joking. I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and...I think maybe...maybe I should come out.”

Seunghyun is too stunned to respond to that right away. He searches Jiyong’s face for some indication that he’s not serious, that he’s teasing Seunghyun or picking a fight or anything, but Jiyong’s expression is impassive. “No,” he finally says. “No. You can’t do that.”

“I can do whatever I want,” Jiyong snaps. “And I think I should. I think it would help a lot of other gay kids. I think it’s the right thing to do.”

“No,” Seunghyun says as firmly as he can.

“Hyung, it’s important for gay people to be visible in mainstream culture. Kids need role models, and I –”

“Not you,” Seunghyun says through clenched teeth. He grabs Jiyong’s arm again and he knows he’s squeezing too hard but he can’t help it, Jiyong has to understand this, he has to understand. “Let someone else be a role model. Not you.”

Jiyong’s glaring at him not just with anger, but revulsion. “Don’t worry Hyung, I won’t out you,” he spits. He tries to pull his arm free again but Seunghyun’s grip is too strong.

“Jiyongie –”

“Are you really that ashamed to be with me?” Jiyong asks softly, eyes filling with tears.

“Are you really that stupid?” Seunghyun shouts back, dropping Jiyong’s arm. “Do you know what would happen if you came out? Your career would be over. Stores wouldn’t stock your records. TV stations wouldn’t play your music videos. YG would drop you. You wouldn’t be able to write or perform or do anything. No one would work with you. And that’s just your career! Everyone would turn against you, Jiyongie! Think of how cruel netizens were in every single scandal you ever had, add it all together, and multiply it by ten. Do you think I can watch you go through that? Do you think I can watch you lose everything? Do you think I want to come home to find you in the closet with a belt around your neck?” And the image of it is so visceral and present that all at once Seunghyun is gasping for air, choking on the tears he finds himself suddenly crying.

Jiyong gathers him up and Seunghyun sobs into his chest, taking comfort from the younger man’s gentle touches and low murmurs of reassurance. “I would never do that, no matter how bad things were,” Jiyong says. “I would never leave you all alone like that. Not on purpose.”

Seunghyun thinks he’s calmed down enough that his voice is okay, but it comes out in an embarrassing, phlegmatic whine: “You have to be safe, Jiyongie. Do you know what they do to gay men? I can’t let that happen to you. You have to be safe.” He straightens up and wipes his face. He still feels shaky.

Jiyong isn’t meeting his eyes. “I’m sorry I scared you,” he says.

“Listen, Jiyongie, you’re right, okay?” Seunghyun says. Jiyong looks at him cautiously. “You are. I know you are. We should come out. That would be the right, brave thing to do. But I don’t want to be brave. I want to be safe. I want to be happy.”

Jiyong looks away again. He nods. He says, “I understand.”

“But,” Seunghyun says. He knows it’s there.

“But I don’t think I can be happy like this. Hiding. No kids.”

“So what do we do?” Seunghyun asks. He sniffles and rubs his nose. “Do we break up?”

Jiyong whips his gaze back to Seunghyun. “What? No! Why? Do you want to?”

“Of course not. And I know that if you want to come out, you’ll do it whether we’re together or not. But you’re not happy hiding, and I don’t think I can be happy not hiding. No, actually, I know I can’t be happy not hiding. I can’t be happy watching you ruin your life.”

“Breaking up would ruin my life.”

Seunghyun sighs. “Jiyongie, I don’t think you’ve thought about how losing your career –”

“I don’t think you’ve thought about how losing this would be worse than every dumb ahjumma in the world spitting on my head. Don’t you get it by now? After everything you’ve put me through, all the times you tried to push me away, I’ve always come back to you like a stupid lovesick puppy. I’ve loved you practically since I first set eyes on you, Choi Seunghyun, and I waited for you for so long, and I stuck with you after we finally got together even though you couldn’t tell me you loved me –”

“I didn’t –”

“– even though everyone told me what a bad idea this was, even though you hurt me, I stayed because that is how much I love you. I know you think I’m weak –”

“You’re not –”

“– but I’m strong! I can take anything the world dishes out! Do you know what Dami-noona said to me when I told her we’d gotten together? She said you were a straight boy who was just playing with me and I shouldn’t believe a word you said because in the end you were going to marry a girl and have a boring conventional life. She said if I got too invested you would break my heart without a second thought. And do you know what I told her?”

“I could never marry a girl after being with you,” Seunghyun says, too shocked by this litany of revelations to really take part in the conversation.

Jiyong ignores Seunghyun and pushes on. “I told her that if that was the price I had to pay, I would pay it. That’s how strongly I felt about you. And I still do. So don’t tell me I don’t know the choice I’m making. I want you. Completely. The whole thing. No hiding. If I lose my career, then good riddance. I won’t complain.”

Seunghyun reaches out and folds his hands around Jiyong’s. “It’s not that I don’t want to hear you complain –”

“It’s that you don’t want to see me hurt. I know. But I’m telling you I’ll be more hurt by having to hide this and never have a child with you.”

The words send shivers down Seunghyun’s spine. A child with you. Suddenly he can see a carseat in the back of his car, can hear Jiyong cooing. For a second it feels imaginable, tangible, and he wants it. Something clicks and he understands how Jiyong would risk everything for a chance at that.

“Listen, it’s your choice too. You have your own career to think about. If you don’t want to give it up –”

“I do,” Seunghyun says quickly. “I mean, I don’t, but I do for you. For us.” He takes a deep, shaky breath. “Can we really – I mean, how can we…?”

“I’m not saying we should hold a press conference tomorrow. We’ve got plenty of time.”

“And we need to talk to the other guys about this,” Seunghyun says, nodding. “Everyone, actually. It’ll affect everyone.”

“You’re right,” says Jiyong. “But listen, we don’t need to work out all the details right this second. I just want to know that we want the same things.”

Seunghyun keeps nodding, silent for a few moments. Then he says, “I know we don’t need to work out all the details, but can we talk about them a little more?”

Jiyong laughs and shakes his head back and forth. “Yes. Of course. What do you want to talk about?”

“Um…” Seunghyun takes a breath. “Where are we going to live?”

“Maybe America?”

“America?” Seunghyun’s eyebrows shoot up. “I meant your house or my house!”

“Oh.” Jiyong laughs. “Well...I thought it might be a good idea.”

“But...my English isn’t good.”

“I’ll talk for you.” Jiyong’s got a sly smile on his face, and Seunghyun knows he’s imagining the trouble he could get Seunghyun into that way, but Seunghyun needs to know how serious Jiyong is about this.

“You’d – you’d really move to America?”

“You wouldn’t?”

“I don’t think it would ever feel like home,” Seunghyun admits. He’s liked the little bits of America he’s seen when he’s been there, but it’s a strange place: all those pink and brown faces, that jagged language, and that peculiar expansiveness that you can feel in the air – people all spread out, so much empty space between.

Jiyong closes his eyes and Seunghyun watches curiously as he takes a deep breath. “We could get married there,” Jiyong says.

Married. A strange heat sloshes through Seunghyun. “Oh.” he says. That’s not the right thing to say. That’s not the thing he wants to have said. He can see the tightness in Jiyong’s eyes. “I never imagined we could get married,” he says, trying to explain. “I never imagined I’d marry anyone once I fell in love with you.”

“Well...I’m not proposing or anything. I’m just pointing out a fact.”

“Yeah,” Seunghyun says. “This would be a pretty bad proposal story.”

Jiyong giggles, breathy and relieved. “Yeah. Too much shouting.”

“And crying.”

“Well, I’m going to cry at least a little bit when I – I mean, if I –” Jiyong freezes, eyes flared wide.

“Okay,” says Seunghyun. “I’ll bring tissues.“

Jiyong’s eyes dart to Seunghyun, studying him, and then a grin breaks on his face like sunrise.

Notes