In Seongdong

Seunghyun knows this movie he’s doing has been hard on Jiyong. His schedule’s insane, first of all. They haven’t seen each other in weeks. And Jiyong’s trying to write, and Seunghyun knows he’s having a hard time, knows he wants Seunghyun in the studio with him but isn’t saying it. He’s feeling scared and pressured. Seunghyun knows that.

But it’s not just that. The real problem is that Seunghyun’s character is sad and withdrawn and now he feels sad and withdrawn all the time, even when he’s not on set, and he can’t tell if he’s being a good actor or a terrible person. Because this is the worst bad time he’s ever been in. When he gets home, he’s so consumed with the desire to sleep and forget the world that he doesn’t even think about Jiyong. And when he does the guilt of ignoring him stiffens his joints and freezes his muscles and all he can do is lie there and wallow in it until it’s time to get up and go to set again.

One day there’s a lighting problem that calls for a more extended wait than usual and while they’re all sitting around one of the extras comes over and very shyly asks Seunghyun for his autograph and tells him she loves Big Bang and asks how the other members are. It makes Seunghyun feel terrible because he doesn’t know how anyone is, is too deep in his fog to even remember what everyone’s working on. But then she tells him how she loves to watch behind the scenes footage of them because they all seem so funny, and in some weird temporary loss of his sense of boundaries, Seunghyun pulls out his phone (his phone on which there are way more pictures of Jiyong than could possibly be reasonable for a straight man to have) and finds a video of Jiyong and Youngbae goofing off from a year or so ago. He tells her, “I shouldn’t have shown you that,” because it was an insane thing to do but also because Jiyong swears a lot in it and Youngbae makes a rude gesture, and she looks so genuinely thrilled and touched by his trust in her that for once he doesn’t worry.

He gets home after two in the morning but instead of crawling into his bed he takes out his phone again and scrolls through his pictures and videos. Jiyong laughing, Jiyong pouting, Jiyong posing dramatically. Suddenly it’s five and he knows he has to see him. So he calls his manager and pretends to have food poisoning. He even goes in the bathroom so the acoustics will be right. He gets lectured about how he’s setting the whole filming schedule back but then Seunghyun tells him sure, he can go in and film, as long as the scenes are filmed from the waist up and he can sit on a bucket, and that seems to be vivid enough imagery that he’s allowed to end the phone call. Once he does, he dresses in an oversized black hoodie and calls a cab. He changes the lock code on his door and figures no one will be able to prove he’s not inside. He’ll just say he was strapped to his toilet or asleep.

Seunghyun slips into the YG building through the service alley, pulling down his face mask to greet the custodian who’s been working for the company since his trainee days. It’s so early that the place is deserted, and Seunghyun makes it to the studio without seeing anyone but the back of a cleaning lady’s head. He falls asleep on the couch, pleased with himself for the first time in months.

It’s Jiyong’s entrance that rouses him – Seunghyun knows it’s him just from the sounds. He grins at the younger man even before his eyes focus enough to see his face.

When they do, his grin falters. Jiyong face is stone. “What are you doing here?” he asks.

“I wanted to see you.” Seunghyun sits up and flexes his stiff shoulder muscles.

“Shouldn’t you be filming?”

“Yeah,” says Seunghyun. He rubs some gunk from his eyes. “I’m playing hooky.”

“Okay,” Jiyong says slowly. “Well, I’m not, so…”

Seunghyun swallows. His chest his constricting. “I thought...I don’t want to distract you, but, well, you at least have to eat, right? Can we have breakfast together? Or lunch or...whatever.”

“I’ve been working through my meals,” Jiyong says, striding over to turn on the computer and sound equipment. “I have a lot to do.”

Jiyong has never, ever kicked Seunghyun out of the studio before. He’s always wanted to know Seunghyun’s opinion on his songs, wanted Seunghyun’s advice, wanted to write with him. Always. Their crazy, intense devotion to making music has always bonded them. Since they first met as kids, this has been their thing. “I hope you’re taking care of yourself,” Seunghyun says lamely.

“I’m fine.” Jiyong says, his voice flat. “I just need to get back to it, so…”

“Right.” Seunghyun stands, fishes his face mask out of his pocket. “Um...eat well, okay? And make sure to drink lots of water.” Fuck, he sounds like an idiot.

“Uh-huh.” Jiyong’s already turned away from him, pulling up files on the computer screen.

Seunghyun mouths the word “Bye” but can’t seem to make the sound come out. He’s careful to shut the door quietly behind him.

Somehow he makes it back home and into bed. He thinks all his internal organs might be dissolving.

He hopes it’s fatal.

When he answers the door later that night, his manager says, “Wow, you really are sick, huh? I thought maybe you just wanted a break. Do you think you’ll be able to go to set tomorrow?”

*

One day it’s a little easier to get out of bed than it was the day before. By the end of the week, he’s getting up in under twenty minutes.

He’s not sure what changed, just relieved it did.

But a lot of his newfound energy gets put to use worrying about his relationship with Jiyong. Are they still together? Are they still even friends? He looks back at his messages and feels like they were written by a different person: constant, clipped refusals to Jiyong’s invitations; acidic replies to his attempts at friendly chats; sometimes he just ignored Jiyong’s messages all together. He remember it, remembers when picking up his phone and typing felt like an impossible task, but now he feels the reality of what he did. Or didn’t do.

And so now he does the only thing he can think to, which is to get in his car and drive to Jiyong’s house.

He calls him on the way. The phone rings so long Seunghyun wonders if Jiyong will pick up at all. When at last he does, he doesn’t say anything. Seunghyun’s car is filled with the soft sound of Jiyong breathing.

“Hi,” Seunghyun finally says. “I’m – I’m in Seongdong.” He’s already tearing up. Why did he think he could do this? Why did he think he could just go back? Jiyong still hasn’t said a word. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I understand. I’ll –”

“You can come over,” Jiyong says. It comes out a croak and Seunghyun freezes, praying he didn’t mishear. Jiyong clears his throat. “Come over,” he says, voice stronger. “Come. I miss you.”

Seunghyun makes a sound that’s half laugh, half sob. “Me too. I miss you too. So much. I’m so –” He hesitates, unsure how he can possibly apologize for what he’s put Jiyong through. I’m sorry I’m a terrible friend, I’m sorry I was so selfish, I’m sorry I got so lost, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, “I’m almost there.”

*

“My mom sent me a coupon for a storage unit company,” Seunghyun says.

The guys are all quiet. It’s all five of them together, and the five of them alone: something that used to be so common but is now so rare. No cameras, no managers, no staff. Just them.

There’s not much to say. They all know their contract is up soon and what they’ll be doing, with a little variation, when it is. And the other three know the rough outline of Seunghyun and Jiyong’s plans for when their service is over.

Maybe Big Bang will survive what’s coming in some form. Certainly they’ll all remain friends. But the way they’ve lived all these years together is coming to an end.

Jiyong reaches over and squeezes Seunghyun’s leg. Seunghyun’s caught him crying over all this a few times now. “Two years apart,” he whispered to his hyung recently. “After that, I don’t think I’ll even let you out of my sight to use the bathroom.”

The silence is heavy. Seunghyun thinks Daesung might be tearing up a little.

Then Seungri says, “Hyung, are you really going to trust your precious furniture to a storage company?”

And then everyone's laughing.

*

“Well?”

Jiyong has spent the last five minutes staring at the paper Seunghyun gave him with his brow furrowed, saying nothing, doing nothing. They’re lyrics Seunghyun’s been working on. Seunghyun supposes he must be reading them, but the song isn’t that long so Seunghyun’s wondering if perhaps Jiyong had a small stroke.

Jiyong looks up at him and blinks. His expression doesn’t change.

“What do you think?” Seunghyun prompts him again.

Jiyong looks away, looks back, looks down at the paper, looks up again. Finally he says, “I think you shouldn’t come out.”

Seunghyun cannot for the life of him understand what Jiyong means. “What?”

“I still want to come out after the military. But I think you shouldn’t. You should continue your music career. I’ll come out and you can just be my supportive friend.”

“I – I don’t…what?”

“Hyung, this is so good,” Jiyong says, looking back down at Seunghyun’s lyrics. “You’re so talented. How can you give up music? It’s not fair to you or the fans. If you don’t come out, you can keep working.”

Seunghyun is starting to think Jiyong’s serious. “But – but what about Jihyun?”

“Seungyong.”

Seunghyun rolls his eyes impatiently. “Okay, whatever we name her, what about this daughter we’re supposed to have? How can we have her if I don’t come out too?”

Jiyong chews on his lip, considering this. “Well, I can adopt her publically, but then at home we’ll both be her dads. And maybe down the road you’ll be able to come out, too. Who knows? Korea’s getting more progressive every day.”

“Jiyongie...you can’t be serious. I mean, even if no one noticed I was living with you and your daughter, little kids talk. She’d give us up in two seconds without even realizing it. And I wouldn’t want her to have to pretend I’m not her dad. That’s awful.”

There’s a beat of silence while Jiyong absorbs his words. “Fuck, I know,” he sighs and leans all the way back on the couch, Seunghyun’s lyrics finding their way to the end table before Jiyong’s hands clench into fists. “I just… You know, if it was only my own career I was giving up I’d be totally fine with all this. I just can’t stand to see you lose yours.”

Seunghyun turns and looks out Jiyong’s enormous living room windows at the river for a long moment, listening to Jiyong’s frustrated sighs while he collects himself. He gets up and sits directly next to Jiyong. He works Jiyong’s hand open and slips it into his own. Then he rests his head on the back of the couch like Jiyong’s doing so they can look each other in the eye. “You realize I feel the exact same way about you,” he says.

“But you’re more talented,” Jiyong protests. “So it makes sense for you to be the one to not come out.”

“I am not more talented, and even if I was, I couldn’t keep doing music without you. I’d never have come this far without you, and I can’t go any further without you.”

“Yah, don’t say that. You can do anything you want in this business. You don’t need me.”

“Jiyongie, I don’t belong here. Not like you do. You’re so disciplined and devoted, and you just have this –” Seunghyun closes his eyes, trying to find a name for what he senses in the younger man. “– it’s like a sparkly aura. You make everything seem cool and beautiful and interesting just because it’s you doing it. I’m not like that. I’m just a regular guy who can rap pretty well and got really lucky. I could work on my own, but not as well. And I wouldn’t enjoy it. Not without you.”

“‘A sparkly aura’,” Jiyong repeats. He snorts, then clicks his tongue. “You’re embarrassing me.”

Seunghyun doesn’t care. “Anyway, I’m starting to look forward to us being out in the open. I’m tired of lying.”

“We still have to get through two years in the military,” Jiyong says. “Two years apart.”

His expression is going tight. Seunghyun knocks their knees together and smiles. “I think it’ll be good. We’ll have plenty of time to plan.”

“Plan? Plan what?”

“A proposal, a wedding, a hundred day party for Jihyun…” He does his best to keep a straight face as he talks, watching the smile bloom on Jiyong’s.

“Seungyong,” Jiyong says, grinning hard now. “Hey, do you know what else I’m going to plan?” he asks brightly.

“What?” Seunghyun asks.

“Reunion sex. Every time the make me do a pushup, I’m going to think of a new way for us to fuck.”

Seunghyun smiles lazily, then reaches out and pulls Jiyong onto his lap in one fluid movement. Their mouths fit together and Jiyong tastes like home. Seunghyun’s hand drifts down to Jiyong’s ass. When they break apart, Seunghyun whispers, “Let’s start practicing.”

Notes