In Seongdong

Seunghyun knew for a long time that Jiyong liked guys.

He wasn’t Seunghyun’s first gay friend. (Or bisexual, or whatever; Seunghyun didn’t understand all the terms, just knew what they all meant: not straight, not normal, risky.) Technically he was, but he wasn’t the first one he found out about. The first time Seunghyun found out one of his friends was gay, he’d been shocked. And a little disgusted. He didn’t understand how you could do that with another man. (But then, Seunghyun was so young at the time, he was still wrapping his head around doing that with a woman.)

In retrospect, it’s a good thing Seunghyun’s feelings don’t play out on his face so easily, because he would be deeply ashamed if anyone knew how he’d felt back then. He’d spent about a week thinking it through and finally decided that there was nothing wrong with being gay, as long as the other guy liked men too and no one was cheating. If both people enjoyed it, who was it hurting? It wasn’t even like they were going to accidentally make a baby. So maybe Seunghyun didn’t understand it, but that didn’t make it wrong. He was still uneasy with it, but he was determined to accept it.

And he did, and the uneasiness faded, and it was no longer alarming to discover people were gay, and before long he was very pleased to have such interesting friends.

But his stomach still lurched unpleasantly the first time he noticed Jiyong staring at a guy in the appraising, hungry way he was supposed to stare at women.

Seunghyun wasn’t disgusted. He was afraid. How would Jiyong survive in this industry with this kind of secret? How would he rise to the levels of fame for which Seunghyun always knew he was destined?

But Jiyong seemed pretty good at managing himself. He never flirted with men in public. He smiled at girls and blushed when they smiled back. Seunghyun only knew he had a boyfriend because they were so close; only realized when Jiyong interrupted their late-night song-writing session once again to call his “friend”, as he seemed to do every time they worked late, and Seunghyun thought to himself, irritated, What kind of friend needs to be called every single night?

A boyfriend, of course.

Seunghyun was glad he had time to get used to the idea before Jiyong told him. If that’s what you wanted to call what Jiyong did. He was so nervous he mostly just stammered and blushed, and it was nice that Seunghyun was able to laugh and throw his arm over his shoulder and say, truthfully, “Ah, Jiyongie, it’s okay; I don’t mind.” It was nice to feel Jiyong’s entire body relax beneath his arm.

This is an incomplete list of the things Seunghyun mistook his attraction to Jiyong for: friendship, gratitude, amusement, pride, a really close friendship, almost like brothers, a dispassionate assessment of aesthetics, indigestion. It’s absurd, looking back, that he couldn’t see it.

This is how he finally saw it:

They’re standing around a rooftop lounge, a bunch of them, drinking and smoking and shooting the shit. Jiyong is in the club downstairs, dancing. He invited Seunghyun to dance too, but Seunghyun said no. He’s not drunk enough. In truth, he hates dancing. It makes him feel ridiculous, makes him hate his stupid graceless body. He always just says he won’t dance unless he’s getting paid for it.

Seunghyun’s having a good time. Seungho is teasing him about how he hasn’t been dating anyone lately, about how he should pick someone up because if he doesn’t use his dick regularly it’ll fall off. Seunghyun just laughs. He has no intention of doing that – he’s never had random sex in his life. It’s difficult enough to undress in front of girls he knows and likes. Anyway, no one’s appealed to him lately. He’s fine being single.

Jiyong comes upstairs, hair damp and skin glistening. He has two beers and hands one to Seunghyun, ignoring everyone’s complaints. Jiyong’s the leader, but Seunghyun’s still the hyung.

“Yah, Jiyong, tell me you’re doing better than your hyung over here,” Seungho says.

“What’s wrong with Seunghyun?” Jiyong asks, giving him a glance up and down as he takes a sip of his beer.

“This motherfucker hasn’t fucked in – shit, Seunghyun, how long has it been since you got laid?”

Seunghyun snorts. “A lot more recently than you, if you don’t count picking up busted-looking bombs,” he says.

Jiyong laughs brightly and even Seungho chuckles. Soohyuk drifts over. “What’s going on?” Then his eyes land on Jiyong, “Ooh, Jiyongah, how’s it going with your man? He’s here, you know.”

“You have a man?” Seunghyun asks, turning to Jiyong. He’s blushing, but he’s grinning so hard his face looks liable to break.

“No,” Jiyong says in a sing-song voice, “But…”

“I thought you didn’t like him?” Seungho asks Soohyuk.

“I don’t, but I still want our Jiyong to succeed. Go, Jiyong! Successful Jiyong! Fighting!”

“Fighting!” Seungho agrees, and Jiyong is laughing so hard he can barely stand up. He’s already slopped some of his beer across the tile.

Seunghyun chuckles awkwardly and takes a long draught. He’s intensely curious about this man of Jiyong’s, but he doesn’t want to pry.

Luckily, Jiyong likes to talk. “His names Koo Joohyung,” he offers when he’s recovered from his fit of hysteria. “He’s an actor.”

“He’s trying to be an actor,” Soohyuk says with a derisive snort. “If you’re born in nineteen-eighty-two and you haven’t been in a single decent drama by now…”

Seunghyun is mid sip and almost chokes on his drink. “What? He’s six years older than you?”

The three others are quiet, looking back and forth and each other and Seunghyun with amused expressions. “Hyung, it’s not a big deal,” Jiyong finally says. Then he adds, a little shy, “I’ve been with older.”

Seunghyun’s face goes hot and he takes another big gulp of his beer. He’s almost drained it and Jiyong only just gave it to him. Whenever he thinks about Jiyong with men, he thinks of him with, well, boys really: guys their age who giggle and are playful like Jiyong. That’s the only type of guy he’s ever seen Jiyong go after. Not men. Do these older men treat Jiyong right? Do they really care about him, or are they just looking for a young piece of ass? “Are you sure he’s even gay?” Seunghyun asks. Maybe this guy is just a fun fantasy for Jiyong.

Jiyong, Seungho, and Soohyuk hold it together for about three seconds before they burst out laughing. Apparently that’s a stupid question to ask.

“Yes, Hyung. He is. And he’s really nice.”

“You talked to him?” Soohyuk asks excitedly.

Jiyong nods, grinning. “He said he wanted to come see me perform!”

Jiyong spends the rest of the evening babbling about Joohyung: how compatible their blood types are, how he touched his arm. It’s sickening. Seunghyun doesn’t like the idea of Jiyong with some skeezy older guy (someone they don’t even know) or that he’s talking about it in public. He could get caught if he’s not careful.

When they’re leaving, Jiyong stops on the bar level and scans the room. “There he is!” he hisses. He grabs Seunghyun’s arm. “Hyung, come with me to say goodbye so it’s not weird.”

“What? No!” Seunghyun says, but he’s already being marched over. Suddenly Seunghyun realizes which guy Jiyong means. “That’s him?” he asks, too loudly. “He’s not even that good-looking!”

“Shut up!” Jiyong hisses, pinching his arm. And then they’re there, with him, Jiyong going on about how great it was to meet him and how he hopes to see him again soon and would love for him to come to a Big Bang concert, and all Seunghyun can notice is that the bastard is just slightly taller than him.

He’s so annoyed with Jiyong he has a hard time falling asleep that night. What’s Jiyong doing going after a guy like that?

And then it’s Saturday again, and they’re in a club again, and Joohyung’s there again, and Seunghyun feels even more sick to his stomach than he did the last time. He just doesn’t like this guy. But he can’t figure out how to say that to Jiyong.

Seunghyun does a bad thing.

He sees Jiyong go into the bathroom, and he sees Joohyung follow.

And he tries to ignore it, he really does, but it’s gnawing at him, each passing minute more and more painful until finally he marches over and slams both hands into the door.

But it doesn’t open. It’s locked. It’s locked? How can it be locked? It’s a public bathroom. Do public bathrooms have locks? Why had he never noticed that before?

He should walk away now, but he doesn’t. He pounds on the door again. “I have to piss!” he shouts. He can’t hear anything because the club is too loud, but after a minute and some more banging the door opens and Jiyong’s stands there wide-eyed. His expression turns slightly annoyed when he sees Seunghyun.

“Oh, Hyung,” he says. “Um…”

“I have to piss,” Seunghyun repeats, and he shoulders past Jiyong into the bathroom because he wants to barge in on Joohyung and make him feel like the dirty old man he is.

But all of Joohyung’s clothes are on and he’s calmly washing his hands in the sink. He looks up at Seunghyun, bows slightly, and says, “Nice to see you again.” Then he dries his hands and walks out.

Seunghyun wonders if he somehow misinterpreted what was going on in here, but when he turns around he sees that Jiyong is blushing and that his lips are red and swollen. A thought floats unbidden through his mind: I want to know what you taste like.

He can’t even think about what that means because Jiyong is talking. “He’s so nice,” he says and bites his bottom lip. “We kissed,” he adds with a girlish giggle.

“Sorry I interrupted,” Seunghyun says, his voice a low grumble.

“It’s okay, I got his phone number,” Jiyong says, all smiles. “And we really shouldn’t have been doing anything in here, I just...I got kind of swept up, you know?”

Seunghyun shrugs.

“Well, uh, I’ll leave you to it,” says Jiyong, motioning to the urinals.

When Seunghyun is home he clicks on the first porn video he finds and starts jacking off. When he climaxes a horrible sob escapes his throat. Because he couldn’t see the girl in the video or hear her cries of plastic ecstasy.

His mind was full of Jiyong.

And when he wakes up the next morning, he knows with certainty that he doesn’t want Jiyong to hook up with Joohyung. He wants Jiyong to hook up with him.

Seunghyun pretends to be sick and spends all day ignoring his phone and feeling sorry for himself. How could this have happened? Where did this come from? He finds himself analyzing every interaction he’s had with Jiyong in the last month, year, two years, ever – every touch, every glance, every laugh.

By midnight he knows what to do. He gets in his car and drives to Seongdong.

Jiyong moved in recently and Seunghyun’s only been there once before. He navigates from memory, following signs for Seoul Forest, and drives in circles a few times before he finds the entrance to Jiyong’s building. When the security guard asks what apartment number he’s visiting, Seunghyun has to dig up the message on his phone where Jiyong told him his new address.

The guard frowns down at his clipboard. “Are you expected?” he asks.

“No. Just tell him it’s Choi Seunghyun.”

The guard purses his lips and moves to the back of his hut, speaking quietly on the phone as though he somehow deserves more privacy with Jiyong than Seunghyun does. Finally he comes back and says. “You can go up.” He presses the button to raise the gate. “Guest parking is –”

“Thanks!” Seunghyun calls out the window, already driving away.

The reality of what he’s doing hits him in the elevator and he thinks of turning around. But only for a moment. When Jiyong opens the door, all his fear melts away. He knows he’s doing the right thing.

“Hyung, are you okay?” Jiyong asks.

“I’m great,” says Seunghyun. He toes off his shoes and walks past Jiyong into the living room. It still smells of fresh paint. The only other time Seunghyun was here it was bright out – the view was great then, but now it’s spectacular, the river a sparkling path between Seongdong and Gangnam.

“We heard you were sick.”

Seunghyun turns back to Jiyong, who has trailed after him. “No, I’m fine,” he says. He notices that Jiyong is dressed: tight jeans, a fitted t-shirt, a stylish blazer. “Are you going out?”

Jiyong looks down at himself as though surprised by what he’s wearing. “Oh, no; I just got home. A few of us went to the movies. Soohyuk said they needed to distract me because calling Joohyung tonight would come off as desperate.” Jiyong rolls his eyes. “We tried to get in touch with you, but…”

“It’s okay,” says Seunghyun, approaching Jiyong. “I wasn’t looking at my phone.” He is standing close enough to see the shape of himself reflected in Jiyong’s eyes. He slips his hand under Jiyong’s jacket and rests it on his side.

“Hyung,” Jiyong says, inhaling the sound. He doesn’t pull away. “What are you doing?”

“You know what I’m doing,” says Seunghyun, moving even closer.

“But – but when…how...?” Jiyong’s eyes are searching his. He has gone completely still except for the movement of his eyes and the trembling of his lips.

Seunghyun’s thumb traces patterns on Jiyong’s ribs through his shirt. “I’m sorry,” he says, “that it took me so long to get here.”

And kissing Jiyong puts every other kiss he’s ever had to shame. Lighting erupts under his skin and he just sits with it a moment, just feels Jiyong lips on his own, soft and sweet, before he pushes, explores, puts his hand on the small of Jiyong’s back and pulls him closer. Jiyong breathes the tiniest moan into Seunghyun’s mouth and it burns through him; his fingers clench into Jiyong and his tongue licks at the roof of his mouth. When they break apart they’re both breathing heavy and Seunghyun is desperate to dive back in, but Jiyong takes Seunghyun’s face in his hands and tilts their foreheads together, their mouths apart.

“Hyung,” he whispers, “this is so sudden.”

“Is it?” Seunghyun asks. Because when he’d thought about it, when he reviewed all the little moments between them, he’d felt certain that Jiyong had liked him for a long time. And that he’d liked him back and not understood it. But he understands now, so why delay this even a moment more?

“I’d given up on you.”

“I’m a slower learner,” Seunghyun says. “Haven’t you been in dance class with me?”

Jiyong giggles and kisses him again.

They don’t have sex that night. Jiyong goes down on Seunghyun on the couch and it’s the hottest thing he’s ever seen. He is so dazed by his orgasm that he doesn’t realize at first that Jiyong has swallowed his cum.

When he’s recovered a bit, he tucks himself back in his pants, does them up, and turns and kisses Jiyong. He hesitates for just a moment, but then he steels his nerve and puts his hand on Jiyong’s cock through his jeans. He rubs, pleased by how hard it already feels.

Jiyong pulls back. “Hyung,” he says, and he pushes Seunghyun’s hands away. “You don’t have to do that.”

Seunghyun blinks. “But I can’t just leave you…that’s not fair.”

Jiyong laughs. “Don’t worry, I’ll be all right.”

“But I…” Seunghyun scratches the back of his neck, self-conscious. “I thought you’d want me to,” he says quietly.

“I don’t want you to do anything you’re not ready for,” Jiyong says. He puts his hand on Seunghyun’s knee and smiles. “We can just focus on you for now.”

“Is that all?” Seunghyun asks. “It’s okay, I’m ready.” He’s on his knees in front of the couch and nudging Jiyong’s legs apart before Jiyong can even get his mouth open.

Seunghyun’s hands are on Jiyong’s fly by the time he speaks. “Hyung, are you sure? Because I don’t want you to –”

“I’m sure,” Seunghyun says. He finishes opening his pants and appraises the bulge in Jiyong’s underwear. He falters. “It’s just – I’ve never done this before, so I’m probably going to be really bad at it.” He glances up at Jiyong. “Maybe I should practice first…”

“Yah!” Jiyong lightly slaps his cheek and then wags his finger in Seunghyun’s face. “Don’t you dare practice with anyone else!”

Seunghyun grins bashfully. “Jeez, I meant on a banana or something!” But his smile fades as he looks back down. “Just...I need you to tell me what to do, okay? And tell me right away if I’m doing something wrong.”

“Just don’t bite and we’ll be fine,” Jiyong says.

Seunghyun thinks it goes okay, except he keeps taking Jiyong out of his mouth to ask if it feels good, which he realizes is sort of defeating but he can’t help himself. Jiyong isn’t being as instructive as he’d hoped. He’s doing a lot of gasping, though, so that’s good. When he comes Seunghyun isn’t expecting it and it gets all over his hand. Jiyong came quicker than he thought he would.

Seunghyun borrows pajamas and they fall asleep holding each other in Jiyong’s bed. It reminds him of when they were trainees and would take naps side-by-side on the practice room floor, and then when they were particularly tired Jiyong would say “Hyung, I wish we could sleep together again,” and everyone would laugh and Jiyong would pretend he didn’t realize it was a double entendre.

They’d wasted so much time. They could’ve been together back then, back when no one cared what they did or where they spent the night. Christ, they slept in the same room in the dorm. Seunghyun can’t believe he made Jiyong wait so long. He can’t believe Jiyong actually did wait so long, that his crush on Seunghyun didn’t fade away as so many of his other crushes had. He supposes old flames take the longest to die.

He could get bored at any time now, Seunghyun reminds himself. Now that Jiyong’s got what he wanted, Seunghyun can’t expect him to stick around forever. He’s seen it happen to Jiyong’s other partners: the look of disappointment when they realize that Jiyong was more interested in the chase than in them. It’s okay, though. Seunghyun’s grateful for whatever he gets.

A few weeks later, Seunghyun enters Jiyong’s apartment just as Dami is leaving. He smiles and bows and greets her, but she barely acknowledges him and slams the door when she goes.

He kisses Jiyong hello, which is one of the benefits of their new arrangement. “Is your noona upset about something?” he asks.

“Oh...well...it’s just...I told her about us, and –”

“You told her?”

“Yeah?” Jiyong face scrunches into a confused look. “What do you think she’s going to do? She’s my noona.”

“No, no – I don’t think she’d – that’s not what I – I just… I didn’t think we were telling anyone.”

“You don’t want anyone to know?”

“It’s not that, I –” They’re getting off track. “Wait, no, why is she upset?

“Noona? Well… It’s just…” Jiyong sighs and rubs his forehead. “She’s just being overprotective.”

“Oh.” Seunghyun thinks about that. “She thinks you need protection...from me?”

Jiyong shrugs. “She’s being silly. I mean...she’s known I’ve – fuck.” He covers his face with his hands and shakes his head. “This is embarrassing. She knows I’ve liked you for a long time.”

“You’re embarrassed by that?” Seunghyun asks. He reaches out and tugs at Jiyong’s arm, revealing his face again. “I liked you for a long time too. I was just being stupid about it.”

Jiyong smiles shyly at him. “Really?”

“Of course,” says Seunghyun. He hates to ruin the moment but he pushes forward. “But...I still don’t understand...Dami-noona doesn’t like me?” Dami had always been friendly towards him in the past.

“She’s just worried because I like you a lot and she’s worried what will happen if we...you know...stop.”

When we stop, not if, Seunghyun thinks. But he doesn’t say that. It’s so early now. “Ah, Jiyongie, we’ll always be friends, won’t we? I mean, I know I could never hate you.”

Jiyong smiles his bright, sweet smile. “I don’t think I could ever hate you either.” He leans over and kisses Seunghyun’s cheek. “Noona’s being silly, really. She even said you have the face shape of a heartbreaker.”

“What?” Seunghyun’s hands rise up to feel his face. “I do?” He turns around and walks over to a mirror in the hall, examining his features. He scoffs. “I couldn’t break your heart,” he says.

Jiyong comes up beside him and rests his cheek on Seunghyun’s shoulder. They look at themselves in the mirror and Seunghyun can’t help but smile. They make a nice-looking couple.

*

They’re lying in bed together one night when Seunghyun sits up and says, “Yah!”

“What?” Jiyong asks.

“What happened to Joohyung?”

Jiyong laughs. He reaches up and pulls Seunghyun back down onto the bed. “Why, are you jealous?”

“Yeah, I am!” Seunghyun says.

Jiyong nuzzles his face against Seunghyun’s chest, giggling. “Yah, aren’t you ever embarrassed?”

“Jiyongie, just tell me if you called him or not.”

Jiyong peeks up at him. “I did,” he says, and Seunghyun freezes. “I told him he was a really nice guy but I thought we should just be friends.”

“Oh,” says Seunghyun, a smile creeping onto his face. “Really?”

“Of course,” says Jiyong. He reaches an arm across Seunghyun’s chest and positions himself on top of him, his weight like burrowing under a dozen blankets on a cold night. “Hyung,” he says softly, “I don’t want to be with anyone but you.”

It makes Seunghyun’s chest burn with happiness, but it’s so hard to believe. He supposes that’s how Jiyong feels now, and he’ll just have to wait and see when it changes. “But you still have his number in your phone, don’t you?”

Jiyong laughs and rolls off Seunghyun, reaching for the bedside table where his phone is charging. He unplugs it, sits up, and begins swiping at its screen with big flourishes. “I’m deleting him right now,” he announces.

Seunghyun sits up to watch. It’s silly, but it makes him feel better.

“There,” Jiyong says after tapping to confirm. Joohyung’s face and name and phone number blink away, gone in an instant. “Anyone else you want me to delete?”

“Maybe,” Seunghyun says, thinking. “Anyone who’s better-looking than me, to start.”

“Aish!” Jiyong throws his phone back onto the table. “That was easy. I’ve never even met anyone better looking than you.”

Seunghyun blushes – not because he thinks he’s being teased, but because he can’t help but think Jiyong is being sincere.

Notes