In Seongdong

Sometimes Seunghyun thinks his and Jiyong’s relationship doesn’t make sense because they’re so different, and sometimes he thinks that’s exactly why it does make sense. Jiyong leans towards extraversion and Seunghyun towards introversion. Jiyong follows his gut and Seunghyun overthinks things. Jiyong is expressive and Seunghyun is closed off.

It’s not something he likes about himself, but it’s not something he can just do away with, either.

Sometimes Jiyong’s ability to be vulnerable makes Seunghyun want to cry with admiration. Like when they have sex, Seunghyun always tops. It wasn’t a discussion they really needed to have; Jiyong made it clear that he wanted that and Seunghyun was more than happy to accept. Because the thing is, if Jiyong ever asked to be on top, Seunghyun’s not sure he could do it. Even though he trusts Jiyong more than anyone. Even though everything Jiyong does turns him on. Even though Jiyong says that’s where a man’s g-spot is and that it feels amazing and even though Seunghyun has seen firsthand how hard Jiyong comes, has seen him come without even being touched. Because, well, things could go wrong in some very humiliating ways. And Seunghyun doesn’t think those are his best angles; he definitely wouldn’t look as good Jiyong does on his back with his knees pushed to his chest or on all fours with his ass in the air. And, well, even though Jiyong says it feels really good, Seunghyun kind of thinks it would be overstimulating. Physically, but emotionally, too. Being with Jiyong (beautiful Jiyong, sexy Jiyong, loving Jiyong, funny Jiyong, perfect Jiyong…) is already a lot to handle, and Seunghyun thinks if he was with Jiyong in that way, he might just completely lose it. He knows it’s silly to think that, but deep down he does.

The way they do things now is best, Seunghyun thinks. They give each other what the can, accept what they can. They fit together in a way that works.

*

Except sometimes they don’t.

One day Seunghyun gets a call from Seungri. “Hey, Hyung...I know this is awkward, but...are you and Jiyong-hyung still, like…together?”

Seunghyun blushes a bit, glad he’s on the phone. It was inevitable that their friends would find out about them, and it’s sort of nice to be openly affectionate when they’re in the right group, but talking about it too much – especially with the maknae of all people – makes him uncomfortable. “Um, yeah, we’re good,” Seunghyun says. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, it’s just...I happened to be on Instagram, and I happened to be looking at things Jiyong-hyung had liked, you know, things he marked as his favorite? I know it sounds weird but I remembered seeing this one picture he’d shown me and I was trying to find it, it was from –”

“Yah, get to the point,” Seunghyun says. It has finally occurred to him that he should be concerned that someone thought they weren’t together anymore.

“Well, anyway, I happened to see that he liked this picture a few minutes ago...he unliked it almost right away, but it’s, um…”

“What was it a picture of?”

“Well, it was words. Like, a picture of words. English words. And I knew some of them, but I didn’t really understand it, so I asked Youngbae-hyung what it meant, and he told me. And...it made me think you guys had maybe broken up, that’s all.”

That’s all? Seunghyun is starting to sweat. “Well, what did it say?”

“If you guys are okay then it doesn’t matter. I just...you know, I was worried, because it would be really awkward if you guys weren’t together anymore, so I was just worried, but if you’re okay –”

“Listen, you little shit, you better tell me what the fuck it said before I come over there and fuck you up.”

“Aigoo, don’t be so dramatic.”

“I’m about to hang up and come find you, motherfucker!” Seunghyun is gripping his phone much too tightly.

“All right, all right. It said...well, it was in English, but Youngbae-hyung said it meant something like, ‘It’s better to break up with someone and be heartbroken than to let them break your heart every day.’ Jiyong-hyung probably just thought it sounded cool; don’t get so worked up…”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Seunghyun grumbles. He hangs up the phone. Then, because he’s alone and can’t think of anything better to do, he screams wordlessly at the top of his lungs until he runs out of breath.

Seunghyun gets in his car and starts driving.

When he gets to Seongdong, he pulls over to text Jiyong, just saying he’s in the area and asking if he wants to hang out. He drives around in circles waiting for a response. Finally, his phone announces: “New message from Kwon Jiyong: Having lunch with friends. Rain check?”

Seunghyun has to pull over again because his vision is going blurry and breathing is getting sort of difficult. Let me know when you’re free, he types with stiff fingers, I want to see you. Should he tell him he knows about the Instagram post? He can’t decide. He is gripped with the thought that Jiyong is breaking up with him, that this is how he’s doing it: pulling away, letting the heat between them fade. Is it still breaking up when you’ve never been on a real date? Seunghyun hasn’t known how to define their relationship since they started sleeping together, just known that sometimes they spend more time together and sometimes less, based on schedules and obligations and how capable Seunghyun is of peeling himself out of bed and leaving his house.

Jiyong doesn’t respond right away, so Seunghyun takes a few deep breaths, merges back into traffic, and drives to Jiyong’s apartment. The guard knows his car; he doesn’t try to call up to Jiyong or even speak to Seunghyun, just lifts the gate and waves him forward. Seunghyun picks a space in a distant corner of the guest parking level, reclines his seat, closes his eyes, and waits. He jumps every time his phone goes off and curses when it’s not Jiyong.

But finally, about an hour after Seunghyun’s last text, it is. Hyung, I’m kind of tired today. Maybe some other time.

He should just go home, but he’s crying too hard. Because it’s real, it’s happening, it’s finally happening: Jiyong is tired of him, Jiyong is leaving him. Perhaps he’s found someone he likes better. Perhaps he just doesn’t like Seunghyun anymore.

He always thought it would be okay if Jiyong stopped wanting him because he always felt so lucky to have been with him in the first place, but now that it’s real it turns out it’s still pretty fucking awful.

Like a child, Seunghyun cries himself to sleep.

He wakes up stiff and disorientated. The yellow lights in the underground parking garage are the same as when he got there, but Seunghyun checks his phone and sees it’s ten o’clock at night. He slept the whole day away.

He has no new messages from Jiyong.

Seunghyun wilts, but then he is seized by a sudden determination and he scrambles into his backseat and fishes out a hoodie. He puts it on as he walks to the elevator, pulling the hood over his head. He’s going to wait outside Jiyong’s door and demand an explanation. He doesn’t care if the neighbors see.

It turns out he doesn’t need to wait. Jiyong is home now and he lets Seunghyun in. His skin looks rough and there are bags under his eyes. He’s wearing sweatpants.

Seunghyun doesn’t know what to say and he’s afraid he might start crying again and he’s afraid he might look like he’s been crying (he’s such a fucking idiot, why didn’t he check a mirror before marching up here?) so he just asks in a croaky voice, “Are you well?”

“I’m tired,” Jiyong says. “I don’t want to be rude, but…”

“Seungri called me,” Seunghyun blurts out.

“Yeah? What’d he want?”

“He was looking at your Instagram.”

Jiyong goes still. “Oh?”

Seunghyun can’t take this beating around the bush bullshit anymore. Clearly Jiyong’s not going to come out and say it. “Listen, I understand if you want to end it, but –” He takes a deep breath. Tell me what I did wrong, he wants to scream, “but I hope you’re willing to stay friends, because we do still have to work together.”

Jiyong stares at him. His chin is trembling. “That’s it?”

Seunghyun shrugs.

“God, you’re such an asshole,” Jiyong says, turning away and wiping clumsily at his cheek.

“I’m the asshole?” It bursts from Seunghyun’s mouth before he can stop himself. (He knows he’s the asshole; he doesn’t know how but he knows he is, because he’s made Jiyong cry and that is what assholes do.) “You’re the one who didn’t even have the decency to tell me you wanted to break up!”

“Oh, Hyung, please forgive me!” Jiyong says sarcastically, throwing his hands in the air. “I’m so sorry for that breach of etiquette. I’m sorry to have offended your sense of decency; that must be so difficult for you.”

Seunghyun’s more confused than ever. “I – I don’t – shit, what are you mad at me for?”

Jiyong’s mouth drops open. “Are you kidding? You’re not even fighting for me! For us! After all this time! Fuck, you’re like a fucking robot or something.” Jiyong is shaking all over now, and he sinks down to sit on his plush living room carpet, the tears flowing freely, and Seunghyun longs to reach out and comfort him but he stays where he is on the hardwood, frozen.

“Why should I fight?” he asks. “Why should I fight when being with me is breaking your heart every day? I don’t want to hurt you. If you think this is better then fine, let’s end it.”

“Why can’t you just stop?” Jiyong asks, voice thick. “Just stop breaking my heart.”

It’s too much; Jiyong’s plaintive tone overwhelms him and the tears start leaking from Seunghyun’s eyes, too. “I would if I could. I didn’t even know I was hurting you. That’s how much of a fucking idiot I am.”

Jiyong squeezes his eyes shut and his chest heaves with sobs and Seunghyun can’t take it anymore and he crosses the space between them and onto the carpet and he kneels down next to Jiyong and carefully, tentatively, he puts his hand on Jiyong’s shoulder.

Like a dried-up flower Jiyong curls into himself, and Seunghyun is about to remove his hand in despair when Jiyong catches it in his own and holds it against his chest. “Why are you like this?” he asks, his voice stronger than Seunghyun was expecting; almost a shout. “Why do you act like you don’t care about me one minute and then like I’m important to you the next?”

“I act like I don’t care about you?” Seunghyun asks, genuinely stunned. “I’ve always cared about you! Jiyongie, I care about you more than anyone.”

Jiyong blinks up at him, still clutching Seunghyun’s hand to his chest like a treasured possession. “Really?”

“Of course,” says Seunghyun. “You’re my best friend.”

Jiyong’s face slackens. “Friend,” he repeats. “Right.”

“Well, what do you want me to say?”

“I want you to tell me you love me,” Jiyong says fiercely.

Heat creeps up Seunghyun’s neck and his throat seems suddenly smaller. “Jiyongie –”

“Don’t I deserve that?” Jiyong demands. “After all this time? After fucking you for this long? Being your friend, writing songs with you, helping you stick to your diet, pulling you out of bed after you’d been drinking all night, doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

“Of course it does,” Seunghyun says, “Of course –”

Jiyong drops Seunghyun’s hand suddenly. “I don’t want empty words.”

“They’re not empty!” Seunghyun says. “Do you know what you’ve done to me today? I cried like a fucking baby when you said you didn’t want to see me! I hate that you want to end it! I’ve expected it this whole time, I’ve been waiting for you to get bored of me, but even with all that preparation I still feel like you ran me over with a truck! I’m sorry I’m not who you want me to be, I’m sorry I made you think I don’t care about you, I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, but don’t tell me my words are empty. They’re not.”

Silence rings out between them. “You cried?” Jiyong finally asks.

That’s not the part Seunghyun was expecting a reaction to. Not to mention the fact that he’s crying right now. “Yes,” he says.

“Over me?”

“Who else?”

Jiyong considers this for a moment. “Hyung, do you love me?”

“Yes,” he says. Jiyong had been crying pretty tears but Seunghyun’s nose is running and it’s disgusting and embarrassing and he’s trying desperately to wipe the snot on his sleeve in an inconspicuous way. “Yes, I love you, of course I love you, okay?”

“Why didn’t you ever say it?” Jiyong asks, his eyes filling with those pretty tears again.

Seunghyun shrugs. “Well, you knew, didn’t you, so why should I? I don’t tell my mom I love her either. I’m not good at that stuff.”

“I didn’t know,” says Jiyong, his gaze on the knot of his hands in his lap. His eyelashes are like little fans against his cheeks and Seunghyun wants to kiss each one.

“But...how could you not know? What did you think I was doing?” There are a thousand million things Seunghyun has done in his life that he never would have done if he didn’t love Jiyong.

“Fucking?” Jiyong suggests. “Having fun? Getting off with a friend? Listen, you must have noticed that there’s always been an imbalance between us –”

“I know,” Seunghyun says fervently, and Jiyong flinches.

Jiyong swallows. “Well –” he says softly.

“Because you’ve always been so much better than me,” Seunghyun interrupts again. He feels now is a good time to make sure Jiyong understands the meaning of every word he says. “More talented, more disciplined, cooler, more beautiful, sexier, more experienced – you’ve always been able to get me to do whatever you want even though I’m the hyung and you’re the dongsaeng.”

Jiyong’s lips have parted in the prettiest way. He looks like a painting even though he’s been crying. Seunghyun’s sure he looks like a snotty, red-eyed mess. “But I can’t get you to be my boyfriend,” he says, the last word turned bitter. “I can’t even get you to stay the night.”

“But I’m your hyung,” Seunghyun says. “I have to protect you. If anyone found out about us...Jiyongie, how can I be your boyfriend when I can’t even take you on a date? That’s not the kind of relationship we can have. Not here, not while we’re doing this. Can’t we just enjoy what we do have?”

“I want more than this. I want more than just eating take-out and fucking.”

Seunghyun’s heart is racing. More? He doesn’t know how to given Jiyong more. Jiyong is talking about a future Seunghyun can barely imagine. “I want to give you everything,” he says desperately. “I do, but I want you to have your dream, too, to be a musician, and that means –”

“I know,” Jiyong sighs. He looks around the apartment, as though surveying somewhere new; looks past Seunghyun out the window behind him with its breathtaking view of the river and the south side of the city. His eyes return to Seunghyun’s. “You have to tell me you love me, okay?” he says quietly. “I need to hear it sometimes.”

Seunghyun breathes a sigh of relief. “Okay,” he says. “But you have to talk to me too. I don’t want to have to rely on your Instagram stalker to know what you’re thinking.”

Jiyong laughs; stilted and breathy, but he laughs. Seunghyun opens his arms and Jiyong falls into them. “Hyung, I love you too, okay? Just so you know.”

Seunghyun realizes he needs to hear it sometimes, too.

*

Seunghyun is driving to Jiyong’s. It’s one in the morning and the roads are quiet. He’s stuck at a red light. This light stays red way too long at night. There were only three cars waiting to go and they went and now Seunghyun is just sitting here, skin crawling with anticipation, staring at an empty intersection. Why don’t they have those cameras that time the light based on traffic flow at every intersection? This is Seoul, for god’s sake; it’s supposed to be a technologically advanced city.

He’s been filming so much that he’s barely seen Jiyong, but he knew he was supposed to get off (relatively) early tonight and he told him he was coming by no matter what. Even one day apart feels too long lately, and it’s been a lot more than one day.

Finally the light goes green and Seunghyun’s roaring through the intersection. He has to remind himself that a speeding ticket would not only be bad for his image, it would mean ultimately taking longer to get to Jiyong’s. And anyway no matter how fast he goes, it still feels like his heart is out of his chest, at least a foot ahead of him, pulling him along. It kind of hurts, actually, the way it tugs on his veins and arteries.

And then at long last he’s at Jiyong’s building, then at the elevator, then on Jiyong’s floor, then at the door, and Jiyong starts talking to him but Seunghyun can’t hear, can’t do anything until their chests are pressed together and his heart has finally found its home.

Jiyong’s kiss is soft and sleepy, his lips pillowing against Seunghyun’s, but Seunghyun needs something different right now. He works Jiyong’s mouth open and slides his tongue over Jiyong’s, and he wraps his arms around him even tighter, pressing every bit of the smaller man against him.

Jiyong breaks their mouths apart. “Hi,” he whispers against Seunghyun’s cheek. Seunghyun can hear him now but he’s still not ready to speak, so he bends his head to plant sloppy kisses on Jiyong’s neck.

He can feel Jiyong’s smile, and then Jiyong pushes him away but he’s still smiling. “You’re like an octopus tonight,” he says, and Seunghyun doesn’t care, he wants to pull Jiyong against himself again and wrap him tight in his limbs, but Jiyong drops to his knees and unbuckles Seunghyun’s belt.

“Did you miss me?” Jiyong asks as eases Seunghyun out of his boxers. Seunghyun’s not sure if Jiyong’s talking to him or his cock. It doesn’t exactly matter when Jiyong is bathing it with kisses. “You must be tired, Hyung,” Jiyong says, looking up at him with rounded eyes as he pumps his hand steadily. “Are you sure you want to do this tonight?” He slides his mouth over Seunghyun.

Seunghyun gives the most cogent response he can, which is to groan and buck his hips forward and twist his fingers through the hair on the back of Jiyong’s head.

He’s gone so stiff so quickly that it’s bordering on painful, and Jiyong’s teasing him, the little bastard, tonguing his slit like his precum is ice cream. “Jiyongie,” he moans, and Jiyong looks up at him and smiles. He gets to his feet, kisses Seunghyun’s cheek, and whispers, “Bedroom,” in his ear. And then he turns and stalks off down the hall, removing articles of clothing as he goes.

Seunghyun is deeply offended that Jiyong would deny his hyung the pleasure of undressing him and chases after him as best he can with his pants undone and a raging erection. He catches him just as he gets through the door and pushes him against the wall. They kiss and Seunghyun briefly forgets himself, but then he remembers no, he’s mad, so he puts his arm across Jiyong’s chest to keep him from moving while he gets off his own pants and boxers. He frees Jiyong but has his hands in Jiyong’s waistband and pulls his hips roughly forward before opening his pants, his eyes locked on Jiyong’s the whole time and wearing his fiercest expression so Jiyong knows he’s in trouble.

Jiyong’s grinning like an idiot.

He’s also not wearing underwear.

Seunghyun catches Jiyong’s lips and Jiyong just melts against him, makes that little moan he makes from the back of his throat. Seunghyun runs his hands beneath Jiyong’s trousers around to his bare ass and he squeezes, spreads him gently and runs a finger up and down his cleft, over his opening, starts working his way inside. Jiyong moans and arches against him. “You’ve got to fuck me, Hyung,” he says breathlessly. “Please.”

Seunghyun smiles. “With pleasure.”

That’s what he does at first, but once his cock is inside Jiyong, once he has satisfied that frantic energy in him screaming fuck Jiyong fuck him fuck him good, everything changes. Now he is looking down at Jiyong’s face, at the smooth planes of his chest, at the sweetness in his eyes. Now he is stroking Jiyong’s thighs. Now he is making love, not fucking.

Seunghyun slows his pace, takes the time to kiss Jiyong softly, to appreciate the gentle pressure of Jiyong’s heels against the top of his ass. “I’ve missed you so much,” he whispers.

“You’re here now,” Jiyong says, fingers running through Seunghyun’s hair, still stiff with product from the shoot. He is here; he is present in a way he has never been when he’s had sex with anyone else.

No one has ever looked at Seunghyun the way Jiyong looks at Seunghyun. For years people have been telling Seunghyun that he’s talented, handsome, sexy; countless people; more people than Seunghyun even knows. But when Jiyong looks at him, Seunghyun feels it.

He hopes Jiyong feels the same when Seunghyun looks at him. He wants to look at Jiyong like that, means to, but even with all the acting lessons he’s had, even though he thinks he’s gotten much better, he’s still not always sure what his face looks like. Especially when it’s important.

Jiyong’s whole body thrums in orgasm and it gets Seunghyun off like nothing else.

Seunghyun cleans them up afterwards, moves Jiyong’s limbs that are suddenly heavy, lets some of the heat evaporate from his skin. And then he’s back beside him on the bed, an octopus again, Jiyong wrapped tight in his arms, their legs tangled together.

“Are you going to stay?” Jiyong asks. His eyes are already closed and voice is muffled because his face is burrowed against Seunghyun’s chest.

“I shouldn’t,” Seunghyun says. Even if he wasn’t worried about anyone seeing, he’s supposed to be on set early tomorrow.

Jiyong sighs, his breath hot on Seunghyun’s skin. “Just wake me before you leave, okay?”

“Okay,” says Seunghyun. He knows Jiyong’s already drifting off. He can’t follow him but he can’t extricate himself from Jiyong’s embrace just yet, either.

Jiyong could be with anyone, man or woman, anyone. He is beautiful and glamorous and he fucks like a god damn champion. But he’s with Seunghyun. Even though Seunghyun gets grumpy and doesn’t know how to express himself and drinks too much sometimes and gets too sad sometimes and does the wrong and hurtful thing about half the time without even meaning to, Jiyong still waits up for him with no underwear on.

That must mean something, right? It does, it does; it’s scary how much it means. Because deep down, in the most secret hidden part of Seunghyun’s mind, he knows they’ll have to stop one day. And Jiyong could find someone new in a heartbeat, but how will Seunghyun live without him? When he looks at Seunghyun the way he does, when their skin pressed together feels even better than the safety of being dressed? He’s in love with Jiyong, he knows he is, and it’s the worst, scariest thing in the world.

How will he ever stop coming to Seongdong?

Notes