I nearly threw up the morning of the 15th. On a normal Saturday I would sleep in until noon. My stomach cleched together when I tried to drink coffee. I clenched my fist and started banging on my chest. Get it together! He was coming back today. He texted me that he wanted to see me as soon as possible. I just texted back 'ok, see you soon :)'. Fuck, what do I wear? What am I going to say? Why can't I just think and act like I normally do?

“Hey.” he said. He ran into my appartment and kissed me passionately. He took me by surprise. In less than a second I opened my door and suddenly this tall guy was standing there with his hands around me.
“I missed you.” He put his hand in my neck and was gently stroking my chin with his thumb. Fuck, I'm getting aroused. I can't let this happen. I need to tell him. He bit his lip and I diverted my eyes. The lipbite is my fucking weakness. I tried to block out those feelings.
“Sit down for a bit. Tell me about the tour. Do you want to drink something?” I gently pushed him in the direction of the couch.
“Uhm, yeah coffee would be nice.” I went hastly to my kitchen and took two cups. While I was preparing for coffee I felt two arms wrapping around me.
“I missed you,” he whispered. I felt his heartbeat on my shoulder. My heartbeat increased rappidly. I felt my knees becoming weak. He turned me around and held my waist. He pulled me closer and kissed me gently. I realized how much I missed the touch of his lips. He pulled back and I felt the urge to kiss him back. My coffee machine made a beeping noise. I turned around and filled to two cups.
“Let's sit” I said while giving him his cup. He slightly turned his head before he followed me to the couch. I do have to act more normal, but I don't want to give the wrong signs. For a split second I felt the urge to smash my head against the wall.
“How was the tour?” I asked as normal as possible. I gave him a little smile.
“It was great. Everybody was so enthousiast. I mean, the fans are always great. I was tired, but the adrenaline kept me going.” He looked so cute when he talked about his passion. Those cute dimples and those eyes that looked so soft.
“Did you get the chance to do some sightseeing?”
“Yeah, we saw climbed the Eiffel Tower. We had an amazing view there.” He smiled and sipped from his coffee. “I wish you were there with me tho.” While he said that he put his hand on mine. I felt something warm inside my chest. No, don't be nice to me. I'm trying to go in the opposite direction that you want to go. This is has to stop.
“Namjoon, there's something I need to talk about.” I sipped my coffee. My throat was getting dryer. “This is not right.” Okay, I wanted to say it with more words and less vague, but I wanted to get over this quickly.
“What do you mean?” His smile disappeared.
“I mean, this,” while I pointed at us. “How we have to meet. How we are constantly monitored. How we have so little time.”
“You knew how it was going to be when you started dating me.” I could hear some frustration in his voice. I knew he would ask this question.
“Yes and no. I knew some parts, but I didn't know I would hate the whole situation.” There I said it. I hate how the situation is. He didn't say anything for a while. I wanted to say things. Maybe things to make it less worse, but I couldn't.
“Okay, this is it then, I guess.” I nodded at him and took another sip. He looked at me hoping that I would add something. Part of me hated myself so badly. He is the nicest guy I've met and I throw him under the bus like this. He put the cup on the coffee table in front of the couch. He stood up and took his jacket. He sighed and stood there for a few seconds. I tried to avoid eye contact. Fuck this, I'm not going to cry. He suddenly leaned in and kissed my forehead. My heart dropped just like it dropped when he called me cute for the first time. He put on his jacket and left. My heart was beating so fast. I touched the spot on my forehead he kissed. I put my cup next to his and laid flat on my back. Am I making a mistake here?

I laid there for half an hour before I decided that I couldn't spend the rest of the day like this. I texted my best friend who has work on Saturdays. 'Emergency! I broke it off, but I'm regretting it' I texted her. A few seconds later I already got a reply saying she'll come at 2pm. Until that I watched tv without thinking. I was thinking of all the choices I could've made and trying to convince myself I made the right choice. My train of thoughts got interrupted by my doorbell. As soon as I opened she pinched my cheeks.
“You shitty kid, why are you regretting your choice.” She entered my appartment pushing me back still pinching my cheek. She slammed the door with her other hand. “We talked about this and you were so sure.”
“Yes, we talked about this, but talking about it and actually doing the talk is different.” She finally released my cheek.
“Did he say anything?”
“You know, the thing we expected. You knew how it was going to be. I explained it to him. Wow, I feel like a total asshole for saying this.”
“No, you're not. It's like you said. What's the point of dating when you're not with eachother. Please, I know this is going to hurt for a few days, but get your shit together by then. He just left and didn't try to convince you.” I understood what she was saying, but right at this moment my heart was telling me I was wrong.
“Let's not think about him. Let's just do fun stuff.” Fun stuff we did! We re-watched one of our favorite series. We ate all different kinds of snacks. In the evening when she left I realized that I could do this. I've cut people out of my life before, but this was the first time it's someone who I'm not actually mad at. I hate the situation, but I never hated him for it. No, no, no stop these thoughts. I opened my fridge and took the bottle of wine. I started drinking and turned on the tv.

I was laying on something soft. Is it my bed? Every little noise was so loud. I felt that I drank too much. My throat felt dry, my lips felt like they were going to burst. I opened my eyes and saw the ceiling of my bedroom. I sat up straight and nearly felt my heart jump out of my chest when I looked next to me. I literally dreamed about that moment many times before, but I didn't expect in these circumstances to wake up next to Namjoon. Where is my phone? Why is he here? Did I call him? I went to the livingroom and saw my phone on the coffee table. I checked my messages and saw nothing. I went to see the phone log and I called him exactly one time. We called for three minutes in total. Then suddenly I remember myself crying on the floor, looking up at him and begging him to not leave me. What have I done?
“You're up early.” My heart dropped and I turned around. How do I solve this situation?
“I know you maybe don't remember what happened last night, but all I can say is this.” He paused and looked at me with intense eyes. “Give me, no, give us another chance.”
“Namjoon, I-,” I spoke not really knowing what I wanted to say.

“You don't have to give me an answer now. Just think about it.” He said with a little smile and then he left. I stood there a bit dazed for a few minutes. Suddenly the headache hit me and I went to the kitchen to drink some water. I went back to the livingroom and then it hit me. I suddenly remember what I said and I looked horrified at the spot where I was sitting while saying those words to him.

Notes

This was so hard to write basically because I really didn't know what direction I wanted to go. If you see any mistakes please let me know. English is not my mother tongue.