I'm dating an idol. The dream of so many kpopfans, but at the moment I loathe it. It has been the longest time since I've seen him. I actually thought of breaking it off. I mean, what's the point of having a boyfriend who isn't around. My mind started spinning. Why is this confusing me so hard. I only know this guy for like four months. Four months and only four dates in total. Isn't this fucking sad? I remember how we met. Actually a pretty dumb story. I literally threw myself into it and now I regret it somehow.

We “met” each other by accident. One day I was having a nice 'Treat myself' day full of shopping and eating. I crossed the big shopping street and wanted to cross this plaza. That's when I first saw him. I saw him with his manager which I only found out a little later. I recognized him and I saw him panic a little. Even though he was wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses he immediately was noticed because of his height. Rap Monster from BTS. I turned my face away slightly and waved my hand subtly a bit up and down. I tried to say 'it's fine'. I saw the two men relax a little, but unfortunately not everyone was as calm as me. Suddenly some other girls popped up and recognized him. They started whispering to eachother. I was pretty sure this was about him. I walked away in the opposite direction and acted like slipped. I dramatically threw my bag on the ground and cursed loudly. I started acting dramatically whining about my phone – don't you die on me you twat- and sat there like the world ended. The girls went up to me and asked if I was alright. While that was happening I would see in the corner of my eye him and his manager moving away. 'I saved your ass.' While I stood up and finished my act I saw the girls looking around. Rap Monster had left the plaza long ago. I heard one of them say that they were probably mistaken. After the girls left I also continued my shopping day. Some guy approached as I left the plaze. “Can you please follow me.” he said. I recognized him. He was with Rap Monster when I first saw them. I was flustered, but followed him anyway. We went through some alleyways and the longer we were walking the more concerned I got. We arrived at a black car with blinded windows. The man told me to get in. He opened the door and I saw him sitting there with his sunglasses. I got in the car. He took off his baseball cap and his sunglasses. He placed them on his lap. He went with one hand through his hair. I was just baffled. What is going on and what am I doing in his car? “I'm sorry to drag you here, but I wanted to thank you personally.” He laughed
“I've never seen someone do something like this for me”.
“Yeah, it was weird actually.” I smiled confused.
“Why did you do it?”
“Well, isn't that obvious? You're human too. There's this informal rule where I come from that if you see a celeb you mind your business.”
“That's nice.”
“I'm pretty sure many fans would do that for you.”
“But not all of them are as cute as you.” I stared at him. What the fuck is he saying. Is he really talking to me? The girl who got multiple rejections and even stopped trying because people think she's ugly. He smiled shyly and diverted his look. I took a strand of hair between my fingers and started playing with it. He looked back at me and looked in his eyes while holding the strand playfully in front of my mouth. I might've been rejected multiple times I wasn't going to let this opportunity slip. Maybe, maybe just 1% but I'm going for it. I looked down a bit, then looked up and bit my lip.
“You're not so bad either.” He smiled again. I just noticed that we were alone in the car. His manager did not enter it while I entered. I thought it's now or never. Even if I get rejected I still would have no regret.
“Do you want to drink some coffee together some time?” I pouted my lips a little. I hate it when I do that, but I do it out of habit to look cuter.
“Uh, yeah okay” said. I felt my pupils dilating. My breathing stopped for a second. My heart dropped and it felt like meters. Fuck this shit, I'm going to faint.
“You didn't seem to expect saying yes to you.” I stumbled over my words. I really didn't know what to say.
“Let's meet at this spot next week. Same day, same time.” “In the car I assume?”
“Unless you want to be murdered.” He smiled, but we both knew it was a not-so-ridiculous scenario. That's how we started dating. Because I saved his ass and he called me cute. We had nice chats wit coffee. We actually have a lot in common. The fact that we met up in a car did make it a bit awkward. It limited our movements and his manager was never far.

But I don't think we would've done more if we had the freedom. So far we only did just some teasing. My mind went back to our fourth date. It was our first date outisde of the car. We went to see a movie in the most unknown cinema far from here and then went back to my appartment. He took off his coat and sat in my couch. My heart was racing. He planned on staying longer. What do I do? I wanted him to stay, but what to do? I just sat next to him. As soon as I sat down he leaned in and kissed me. I felt his hand on my neck and it slowly went lower. He slightly touched my breast, just a little tease and stopped on my hip. He leaned back and looked at me. In one swift motion I swung my leg over his lap and sat on him. He laid his other hand in my neck and pulled me closer for a kiss. I felt hot down there. The urge to feel something harder there grew. Just then he pushed me harder and I could feel his erection. I squeezed my thighs. Ugh, the feeling of feeling is dick rubbing against me made me moan louder. Because of all the excitement I couldn't focus on the kissing. He understood my body language and started kissing me down my neck and between my breasts. I went with my hand through his hair while my other hand was sliding down his chest. The moment my hand reached his dick I could hear a faint moan. He pulled back slightly while biting his lip. “I got to go. I have to do this now otherwise I will not be able to leave.” He didn't want to say it out loud, but he has to be back on time. It's a fucking miracle they allowed him to go on dates. I got off him and stood there a little awkward. He got up and took his coat. He bit his lip again and leaned in to kiss me. I wanted to kiss him, but I couldn't move because I felt disappointed. I felt so ready at that moment. He kissed me on the lips and then whispered in my ear 'next time'.

But when is this next time coming. I've only seen him once more after that date. Right before he left to go on world tour. This kid texts me every day and tells me how much he misses me. But I need physical affection. I'm not the kind of type to uphold a long distance relationship. Words are not enough as a confirmation. Enough people have betrayed me and said empty words. I like him, but if this is how our relationship is going to be. Long distance and when we meet mostly in a car. We're adults, but we're treated like kids. Why is he so fucking famous? I mean, I don't mind “sharing” him with the fans, but it's like I don't even exist. Next time I see him I'm going to be honest with him. This is not what I want.

Notes