If You

Jiyong tapped his fingers impatiently on the table and held back a sigh. Normally he loved long fan meets, but Emily's doctor appointment was in an hour and the line was still impossibly long. Get it together, he told himself sternly. These fans have waited a long time to meet you.

It was always amazing to him that people around the world not only listened to his music, but actually wanted to come and meet him, regardless of expense or time or even travel. It touched him how far some people would go just to shake his hand or take a picture, and he felt guilty for wanting to get away from them.

Until his phone buzzed with the appointment reminder.

Thirty minutes! I'll never make it! he thought wildly. He smiled for a picture, then made desperate eye contact with Seong Do. Emily's gonna kill me.


******


Emily checked her watch again and tried not to feel forlorn as she leaned against the wall. He's never gonna make it, she thought disappointedly.

Seon Tuk stood a discreet distance away, but Emily waved him over. "Call a cab for the hospital, please," she said quietly.

Outside the hotel Seon Tuk hailed a cab and Emily gave one last hopeful glance at the door, but Jiyong still didn't appear. It's just a doctor's appointment, it doesn't matter, she told herself, but even as she thought it she knew she didn't believe it. Jiyong would already miss so many special moments after he left, and now it seemed that he would miss this one too. Pull yourself together, she ordered herself as they pulled up to the hospital, even as tears began to trickle down her cheeks.

The Royal Melbourne Hospital towered above the square like a cathedral, making Emily feel incredibly small, the she felt a light tap on her arm and saw Seon Tuk holding out a Kleenex. "Thanks," she said, taking the tissue. "Where did you get this?"

He reached into his jacket and pulled out a packet of tissues. "One of the other bodyguards said his wife cried her entire pregnancy, so I thought it best to come prepared," he replied.

Emily smiled and nodded. "Thanks," she whispered.

They went in the main entrance and were directed to the fifth floor, where they found a spacious waiting room with blue-gray walls and a water feature burbling in one corner. The splashing water grated on Emily's nerves, but she ignored it as she signed in.

"Mrs. Kwon," the nurse called. Emily stood up alone and handed Seon Tuk her purse. "Your husband's welcome to come with you," the nurse added, looking hopefully at Seon Tuk.

"He's not my husband," Emily said, a little more harshly than she intended, but Seon Tuk just nodded gravely and picked up an interior design magazine.

"Follow me, please," the nurse said, looking embarrassed as she motioned Emily through.

Emily allowed her to take her vitals, then she laid back on the table and stared up at the ceiling. She couldn't shake how alone she felt and more tears leaked down her face. This is how it's going to be, she realized. Me alone in here and a company bodyguard waiting outside.

The door opened and a thin female doctor came in. "What's the matter, chickie?" she crooned, her voice soft and concerned. She looked about fifty and had a motherly face, which comforted Emily a little. "I'm sorry," she managed, trying to swipe the tears away.

"Pregnancy hormones can be a real pain," the doctor said, handing her a tissue, "but you're not the first patient to cry on that table and you certainly won't be the last."

She checked Emily's chart. "Mrs. Kwon, I presume, or do you prefer Emily?"

"Emily's fine," Emily replied.

"I'm Dr. Martha Chadwick," the doctor said, "and according to this file you last saw a doctor in New York City?"

Emily nodded.

"That's quite a lot of traveling you've been doing," Dr. Chadwick commented.

"It's... work-related," Emily said.

Dr. Chadwick nodded. "Of course. Your vitals look good, so I'd like to try and listen to your baby's heartbeat. It's still rather early, but we can give it a go."

She pulled out what looked like a walkie talkie with a microphone attached, then brought over a tube of KY jelly. "We keep this in a warmer, so you don't have to worry about cold goop on your belly," she teased.

There was a rush of voices outside and Dr. Chadwick paused. "Sounds like an altercation," she commented. "You'd be surprised how many arguments happen in this office."

The voices got more intense, then there was a shout of indignation and rapidly approaching footsteps. Before either of them could move the door opened and Jiyong burst into the room.

Emily sat up instantly. "Jiyong? How did you-"

"I left the fan meet early," he panted. "I decided to come straight here instead of going back to the hotel."

"You cannot just charge in here!" the nurse exclaimed hotly, coming up behind him.

"And this is?" Dr. Chadwick asked.

Emily felt more tears brimming, but they were happy ones now. "This is my husband," she said proudly.

Jiyong smiled at her and gave the doctor a bow. "I apologize for being late, I was detained at work," he said, joining Emily at the table.

Dr. Chadwick waved the nurse away and closed the door again. "You're just in time," she said, lifting Emily's shirt and exposing her belly. She squeezed a large dollop of jelly onto Emily's skin, then placed the microphone on it and began moving it across her stomach. They all waited silently as she worked, then like a fanfare a rapid beat began pulsing through the little speaker.

"There it is!" the doctor announced. "That's your baby's heartbeat, and it's a strong one!"

Emily thought it was the sweetest sound she had ever heard. "Our baby has a heartbeat," she whispered.

She felt Jiyong's hand clasp hers tightly and he planted a kiss on her head. "Isn't it amazing?" he said wonderingly.

"I can record it and send you a tape if you like," Dr. Chadwick offered.

"Yes please," they said in unison.


******


The song ended and Jiyong waited until the lights went down before heading backstage. He had to change costumes, then he would have about ten minutes before the second half of the concert started. He tapped his monitor pack and frowned. "New pack!" he called, holding the drained one above his head.

"I'll take that, sir," a stagehand volunteered.

Jiyong handed off the pack and his microphone, then beelined straight for his dressing room. His fourth outfit of the night, a gold and white military jacket with green pants, hung on a rack beside his changing screen, while his previous outfits were scattered in piles around the room. He quickly stripped off the leather shirt he work and added it to a pile as he ducked behind the screen. His undershirt was soaked through with sweat and he stripped that off too, then grabbed a fresh one from the box on the floor.

His stomach rumbled as he dressed and he sighed frustratedly. I knew I should've eaten more before the show, he reproved himself, but there was nothing to do now. All of the food was in the break room and too far away to get before his next set began, so it would have to wait. He ran out from behind the screen, grabbing the black military boots from beside the plundered rack and putting them on as the door opened.

"Touch up?" Soo asked as she poked her head in.

Jiyong glanced at his reflection in the mirror. "Yes, quickly," he said, tying his laces with a quick knot.

Soo came over and began dabbing sweat off his face with a tissue. "Your hair still looks okay, but we'll need to dye it again soon," she commented.

Jiyong finished tying his other boot and sat up straight. "I know, but right now all I can think about is food," he groaned.

Soo nodded at the table. "Emily left that for you."

Jiyong saw a small white box sitting on the counter amongst the makeup and his heart lifted. "Where is Emily?" he asked, grabbing the box. It held several dumplings and some raw veggies and he immediately began wolfing them down.

"I'm not sure," Soo said, powdering his face as he ate. "She said she wasn't feeling well and might go back to the hotel."

Jiyong stopped mid-bite. "What do you mean, not feeling well?" he asked.

"I'm sure it's nothing bad," Soo said quickly, "but she looked pretty nauseous."

Jiyong shoved in the last of the food and stood up. "Thanks Soo, great job as always," he said, giving her a quick bow before leaving the room. A rapid check backstage showed he still had a few minutes before his next set, so he grabbed his new pack from the stagehand and went in search of Emily. They would've told me if it was something serious, he reasoned, but he knew he couldn't focus on performing until he knew she was alright.

He spotted Seon Tuk outside the bathrooms and waved at him. "Where's Mrs. Kwon?" he asked breathlessly. "Hae Soo said she wasn't feeling well."

Seon Tuk grimaced. "She's pretty sick," he admitted. "She hasn't been able to keep anything down all day, but now she's barely able to leave the bathroom."

Jiyong knocked on the ladies' room door and listened, but there wasn't any reply, so he entered the bathroom. Emily was dry heaving into the furthest toilet and Jiyong was instantly beside her. "Babe, it's me," he said, rubbing her back comfortingly. "What can I do?"

Emily wiped her mouth and flushed the toilet. "You should be onstage," she rasped. She looked alarmingly pale and Jiyong frowned. "Why didn't you tell me you were this sick?" he asked.

"It's just... morning sickness," she said tiredly.

"This isn't morning sickness, this is all-the-time sickness," he retorted. "Aren't the pills helping?"

"Two minutes!" said a voice in his ear, but he ignored it.

"They were, but it's gotten worse," Emily admitted. "It's okay, Jiyong. You go do your show, and Seon Tuk can help me get back to the hotel."

Jiyong knew she was right, but for a second he entertained the irrational idea of deserting the concert and taking Emily back himself. "Don't even think about it," she admonished, reading his thoughts.

"I have to take care of you," he said defensively.

"You are taking care of me," she said, putting a hand on her stomach, "both of us. You're providing for us by doing this tour, and I've even got my very own bodyguard to look after me. How many women can say that?"

"One minute! Where's G-DRAGON?" the voice yelled.

Jiyong pulled his monitors out completely. "Are you sure?" he asked.

Emily nodded weakly. "I'll see you back at the hotel," she murmured.

Jiyong didn't want to leave, but he knew she was right. "I'll get back as soon as possible," he promised, "and if anything changes you call Seong Do, okay?"

Emily nodded again and he reluctantly left the bathroom. Seon Tuk straightened up immediately as he came out. "Seon Tuk, please take Mrs. Kwon back to the hotel, and notify Mr. Park of any changes," he instructed.

"Yes sir," Seon Tuk said with a bow.

Jiyong took off down the hallway and put his monitors back in as he ran.

"-should've started already! Does anyone know where he is?!"

Great, Jiyong thought tiredly. He arrived backstage and was immediately propelled into the wings. "Are you okay? What happened?" Seong Do asked.

"Emily's not well, I had to check on her," Jiyong replied. He grabbed his microphone off the stand and tried to clear his mind. "Seong Do?" he whispered.

"What?"

"What's my next song?" he asked. "I can't seem to remember."

Seong Do smiled and shook his head. "Crooked," he replied. "It's understandable, you've got a lot on your mind."

Jiyong smiled gratefully and saw the signal to take his mark. "Thanks," he said over his shoulder, then he ran out onto the stage. It was completely dark, except for the tiny glow strips that guided his way, and he felt some of his worry melt away as he assumed his place. This is what I was born to do, he thought.


******


Emily's phone rang and she groaned into her pillow. Surely the concert isn't over yet, she thought, answering it.

"Emily?"

Emily perked up a little. "Daesung, is that you?"

"Yeah it's me. Why am I looking at your cheek? Were you asleep?"

Great, I answered a video call, she thought to herself. She held the phone away from her face and made an effort to look at the camera. "No, I wasn't asleep," she replied. "How are things in Seoul?"

Daesung shrugged. "Everything's fine. I decided to go ahead and enlist later this year so BIGBANG won't have such a long hiatus."

Emily made herself sit up. "Are you sure?" she asked. "What about your solo stuff?"

Daesung shrugged again. "It'll still be there when I get back. How are you feeling?"

Emily grimaced. "I've been pretty sick over the last few days," she confessed. "I even had to leave Jiyong's concert early tonight."

"Shouldn't you go to the doctor?"

"Relax Daesung, this is all part of being pregnant," she said with a smile. "I've got an appointment with a doctor in Osaka, then we'll find someone once we get home."

Daesung sighed. "Looks like we're both going through major changes," he commented.

Emily pressed a hand to her roiling stomach. "I guess we are," she murmured. "What about Seungri?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "There's talk that he might wait until next year, but he's been pretty tight lipped all week. I think Jiyong and Youngbae leaving is hitting him harder than he wants to admit."

"And you," Emily chided. "He'll miss all of you equally, just like I will."

"Equally?" Daesung said knowingly.

Emily resisted the urge to throw a pillow at him. "You know what I mean," she said. "Anyway, I'm glad you're all going at the same time. I can't imagine if one of you was always gone for the next several years."

"Don't worry, I'll come home quickly to you," he teased. "Just... don't forget to call, okay?"

Emily smiled. "Never," she promised.

Notes