If You

After arriving in Miami later that week Emily began to plan her trip to the doctor's office. It wasn't too far from their hotel, so she decided to get up early and sneak out before Jiyong woke up. If he even sleeps, she mused, watching him pace the room. Maybe I should slip him a sleeping pill or something.

Her phone rang and she answered it without looking.

“Hey sis!” Mandie sang out, “how's the tour going? Anything exciting happen?”

You have no idea. “Everything's fine here. How's Dad?”

“Complaining about his physical therapy as usual, but the doctor's hoping to take him down to once a week soon.”

Emily's heart jumped at the word doctor and she cleared her throat. “And the boys?”

“They're all fine. Silas is working more shifts at the auto shop, Tom is breaking in a new horse down at Carol's ranch, and Mattie is taking the SATs tomorrow.”

Emily arched an eyebrow. “Aren't you taking them too?” she asked.

“At the same time as Mattie? He's been so nervous about it he's been reading textbooks in bed. I'd rather wait until he's calmed down.”

There was a knock on the door and Jiyong waved her over. “I've gotta go, Mandie, but tell everyone hi for me, okay?”

She hung up and followed Jiyong out into the hallway, where Seong Do was waiting for them. “You've got a TV interview, then a few hours before sound check,” he reminded Jiyong, then he pulled a large manila envelope out of his jacket and handed it over. “What's this?” Jiyong asked.

“For you, from the military. They faxed it to the hotel this morning.”

A queasy feeling gurgled in Emily's stomach, but she couldn't tell if it was morning sickness or the unwelcome reminder of Jiyong's looming enlistment. Jiyong started to open it, then changed his mind and handed it to her. “Will you hold onto that for me?” he asked.

“Of course,” she said automatically, and before she could blink the envelope was stored safely in her satchel.

“Are you okay?” he asked concernedly. “You look a little green.”

“We should go,” Emily said, pulling him down the hallway. Seeing the envelope had made her realize Jiyong wouldn't be around for much of her pregnancy, let alone the baby's first year, and this was devastating to her. It was one thing to be alone while he's away, but becoming a parent too? He'll miss so much and there's nothing we can do about it.

“Emily!”

“What?”

“You're going to pull my arm out of its socket,” he complained.

They came to a stop in the middle of the hallway and Seong Do drew back respectfully. “What's going on? You have this weird look on your face,” Jiyong said in a low voice.

“I'm fine, I think I'm just jet lagged,” she lied, pretending she wasn't blinking back tears. Jiyong scrutinized her face and frowned. “The last time you acted this way you were being threatened by a stalker,” he whispered. “Is there-”

“Goodness no!” Emily exclaimed. “I wouldn't keep anything like that from you ever again!”

Jiyong seemed cautiously relieved and he took her hand again. “Good,” he said, “because I want you to confide in me, about anything.”

Emily nodded and resisted the urge to press a hand to her flip-flopping stomach. Tomorrow's going to be a surprising day, she thought to herself.


******


The next day Emily carefully slid out of bed and dressed in the dark while Jiyong slept, then crept down to the hotel lobby. It was just after 5 a.m. and the sky was still a dirty grey-blue when she slipped out and went to an all-night cafe to wait for her appointment. As the hours passed she tried to write, but every few minutes her stomach would twist and she finally gave up on work. Guess you're nervous too, she thought, putting a hand on her belly.

At seven-thirty she left the cafe and began walking the three blocks to the doctor's office. The sidewalks weren't crowded and no one looked twice as she entered the building.

“May I help you?” the receptionist asked brightly.

“Yes I… I have an appointment,” Emily replied.

“What's the name?”

“Carter, Emily Carter.”

The receptionist tapped her keyboard for a while. “Fill out these forms, then we'll call you back,” she said, handing Emily a clipboard and pen.

Emily sat down and filled out what seemed like miles of paperwork, then turned it all back in to the receptionist and sat down to wait. What if I'm not pregnant? she wondered. Would I be upset, or relieved?

“Emily Carter,” a voice called, and Emily got up and followed the nurse back to an exam room. The nurse was chatty and asked innocent questions Emily didn't remember answering, then handed her a plastic cup and directed her to a bathroom. “Put the sample in the little window when you're finished and come back here,” she instructed. “Do you have any questions?”

Emily shook her head and locked herself into the tiny bathroom. After placing a half-full sample in the window and washing her hands she checked her phone, but there was no text from Jiyong. Maybe he's still asleep, she thought hopefully.

She went back to the exam room and sat on the table for what seemed like hours before the door opened and a small round man came in. “Good morning, I'm Doctor Burns,” the man said, offering one pudgy hand in greeting. Emily shook it politely and managed a nervous smile. “I'm Emily Kw… Emily Carter,” she replied.

“Nervous, eh?” the doctor asked. “That's perfectly natural. I understand you're not local?”

“No, I'm… traveling, at the moment.”

“I see.” Dr. Burns flipped open her folder and read silently for a moment. “Congratulations my dear, you are indeed pregnant,” he announced.

Emily felt a tumult of emotions, but she shoved it back in order to speak. “How far along do you suppose I am?” she asked.

“According to the information you provided us, about four or five weeks,” he replied. “Is this your first?”

Emily nodded. “Yes, my husband and I have only been married a couple of months.”

Dr. Burns grinned. “Looks like you didn't waste any time!” he teased. “Since you're traveling, I can give you a packet with information to study, along with some nausea medication if you need it. I recommend seeing your regular doctor as soon as you get home in order to set up a prenatal care plan. Are you experiencing any morning sickness?”

Emily shook her head. “Not really, just a little queasiness and sensitivity to smells. I'm also much more tired than usual.”

Dr. Burns nodded. “You may be becoming slightly anemic. I can run a few tests, and I would like to examine you just to make sure everything's in good shape, but there's nothing to suggest you won't have a normal, straightforward pregnancy.”

After the examination the nurse returned with a packet of pamphlets and a recommended reading list, along with the promised prescription. “Your husband must be so thrilled,” she commented happily.

“He… yes,” Emily said absently.

“Make sure he gets to go to the appointments. My husband went for all three of my pregnancies and it was a truly intimate experience. There's no replacing such an important time in your lives.”

Emily felt tears well up and she stood suddenly. “Thank you, I need to go,” she murmured, pushing past the nurse and leaving the office before anyone could see her crying. Stupid Korean military! she thought angrily. Just when everything is finally good, I have to give up my husband and raise a child alone for two years?!

She stopped at the corner and swiped at her eyes while waiting for the light to change.

“Mrs. Kwon, are you alright?”

Emily jumped, then saw who it was and sighed. “Seon Tuk,” she said, “what are you doing here? How did you find me?”

“I followed you from the hotel,” he replied, “but I could tell you wanted to be alone, so I kept a good distance.”

The light changed and they crossed the road together, Seon Tuk hovering a protective hand over her until they made it to the sidewalk. “Are you ill?” he asked in a low voice.

“No, I'm… I'm fine,” she insisted. “Does Mr. Kwon know you're here?”

“Mr. Kwon was still asleep when I left, which is why I followed you,” he replied. “Are you sure you're alright? You were in that doctor's office for a while, and you were crying when you left. I know it's none of my business, but-”

“No, it's sweet of you to be concerned,” Emily interrupted, “but I swear I'm not sick. I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention this trip to anyone just yet, though.”

“Done,” Seon Tuk said immediately.

They made it back to the hotel and Emily took the elevator back up alone, trying to figure out how to give Jiyong the news. Jiyong, I'm pregnant. No, too direct… Jiyong, guess what? You're going to be a dad! No, that's no good either.

She got to their door and let out a deep sigh before going inside. Maybe it'll come to me in the moment, she thought.

Jiyong was awake and busily typing at his laptop. “There you are!” he called, “I was beginning to wonder what happened to you.”

“Sorry, I just… went out for a little bit,” she replied. She sat on the arm of his chair and studied his screen. “What are you doing?” she asked.

“Looking at apartments,” he replied. “I want you to have something all ready to go before I leave, so I've been going through listings. See, this one's in downtown, but it doesn't have reserved parking. Are you wanting to drive yourself, or just stick to taxis?”

“It doesn't matter,” she murmured.

“And look, this one's rated really well overall, but it's on the far end of the city.” He clicked on the listing and started scrolling through pictures. “It's got a full kitchen, one bedroom, two bathrooms and a loft. It's even got a small balcony with a great view of the city. What do you think?”

Emily's stomach churned and she put a subtle hand to it. “It's beautiful, babe, but…”

“But what? Even with the commute, it's still a great place. You could turn the loft into an office and still have room to entertain.”

“Who am I gonna entertain?” Emily asked incredulously.

“The long queue of celebrities vying for your attention,” Jiyong returned. “You're gonna be the hottest thing Seoul’s ever seen.”

Emily glanced at the pictures again. “I really love it, but it's not quite big enough,” she said.

Jiyong frowned. “It's just gonna be you and sometimes me, babe. How much space do you need?”

Here goes nothing, she thought nervously. “I'm just saying if we get this place, we won't have space for an office and a nursery.”

“Why would we…” Jiyong's voice trailed off and Emily waited for the implication to sink in. He closed the laptop slowly and turned to look at her. “A nursery?” he echoed.

Emily nodded. “We're gonna need one in February,” she whispered.

Jiyong stood up suddenly and put a hand to his chest. “What… what are you… are you…?”

Emily nodded again and Jiyong burst into tears. “Oh honey, are you upset?” she asked worriedly. “I know it's sudden, but we can make it work.”

Jiyong wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her shoulder. “I'm not upset,” he managed.

“Really?”

He pulled away and gave her a teary smile. “I couldn't be more thrilled,” he said. “I love you so much, and I swear I'm gonna be the best dad ever.”

Emily smiled and wiped his cheeks gently. “I know,” she whispered.

“We should get you to a doctor,” Jiyong said suddenly, “and we'll find the best hospital in Seoul once we're back.”

“I've already been to the doctor,” Emily interrupted. “I just came from there, actually.”

“And?” he asked anxiously.

“And everything's fine,” she laughed. “I took a positive test in New York, but I wanted to be completely sure before I told you, so I snuck out this morning and had a full examination. The doctor said we're both completely healthy and on schedule.”

“So that's why you were so weird about the letter!” he exclaimed, then his face fell. “The letter! Oh Emily, I'm so sorry. I'd give anything not to go, believe me.”

He looked ready to cry again and her heart broke for him. “I know you would,” she said, taking his hand, “but there's nothing for it now. We'll simply let them know and pray they give you an assignment that keeps you nearby.”

Jiyong brushed his fingers across her belly and sighed. “I've never made things easy for you, have I?” he asked ruefully.

“No, but easy is boring,” she replied. “We're going to be a family, and we're going to have a wonderful, exciting, beautiful life together.”

Jiyong kissed her and wiped his face again. “Come on, let's make some calls,” he said happily.


******


After calling their families and the other members, Jiyong waited until the next day to gather his entourage in their suite. “Thank you all for coming here this morning,” he began somberly. “I have an important announcement to make.”

He couldn't resist giving a dramatic pause before continuing. “My wife and I are thrilled to announce that we're going to have a baby.”

He said it so calmly no one reacted at first, then he grinned and the room exploded into applause. “Congratulations!” they all clamored, bowing and shaking his hand heartily. Several staff members hugged Emily, who was content to smile and nod as they gushed over her. “When?” Seong Do asked.

“February,” Emily replied, squeezing Jiyong's hand.

Jiyong thought his heart might burst with euphoria as he looked down at her. “I'll be there,” he promised.

“Good,” she whispered.

Seong Do finally regained control of the chattering staff and set them on their morning tasks. They were flying to Houston in a few hours, then on to Anaheim and Los Angeles later that week to wrap up the American portion of the tour, but Jiyong was determined not to let this interfere with Emily's well-being. “Emily, maybe you should…”

“Should what?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

Jiyong waited until the last staff member left the room. “Maybe you should go back to Seoul early. We still have shows in Australia and Japan, and that's so much travel-”

“Kwon Jiyong, I am not going to Seoul,” she interrupted. “I've been cleared for international flights, provided I see a doctor regularly, and I utterly refuse to spend another second apart from you than I have to.”

Jiyong sighed. “Are you sure?”

Emily nodded. “I've already made appointments in Melbourne and Osaka, which was very interesting. The Japanese nurse didn't understand why an American woman had a Korean last name. I think she thought it was a prank call.”

Jiyong laughed. “Can I… well, I mean, would it be okay if I went with you?”

Emily smiled again. “I thought you'd never ask.”


******


Emily watched Jiyong reset for another run through of his song and took another swig of Gatorade. Her nausea had already gotten worse, but the pills from Dr. Burns were keeping it at bay, which allowed her to keep up with the tour's relentless pace. As exhausting as it was, she was glad Jiyong had something to do besides obsess over baby-related things. If I'm not careful, he'll probably order an entire nursery set for the house before we even leave the States.

She only had one more month before they returned to Seoul and Jiyong filled out his last enlistment forms, and she shoved away the resentment she was beginning to feel. It wasn’t toward Jiyong or anyone in particular, but her American mind immediately rejected the idea of mandatory military service, no matter how hard she tried to accept it. This is their way, she told herself for the millionth time, and it's your way too. At least South Korea’s not at war right now.

She looked up and caught Jiyong staring at her concernedly from the stage, so she waved him back with one hand. I can do this, she thought determinedly. I can do this.

Notes