If You

Emily got off the plane and walked through the airport slowly, pulling her suitcase behind her. After the funeral she had spent two weeks at home, helping her dad go through pictures and crying into her mom's apron. She felt selfish for coming back to work so soon, but she reasoned that a few thousand miles and a hectic schedule would help her begin to heal.

A car from YG was waiting for her outside the airport and she climbed in, staring out the window at the busy city. The tour was nearly over now, the band already back in South Korea for their last few shows. Busan was pretty, the first hints of spring already visible. A stray tear ran down Emily's cheek and she swiped it away.

The car pulled up to the hotel where the band was staying and Emily got out, handing the driver a tip before going inside. Sagowa had left her room key at the front desk and soon she was in the elevator on her way to the sixth floor. She hadn't called or texted any of the guys, and she didn't really know why. They checked on her daily, sometimes hourly, even when she knew it was the middle of the night for them. But she couldn't find the words to respond.

She unpacked quickly, the familiar task almost happening on its own. She made a cup of coffee and curled up in a chair by the window. The sky was dull white, with small patches of blue scattered around. She watched the clouds for a while, her thoughts fuzzy and undefined. She could feel jet lag setting in, but sleep never came.

At length she heard the door open and someone enter the room quietly. She didn't turn to look, only hugged her knees closer to her chest.

“Emily?”

Seungri knelt beside her, putting a gentle hand on her back. Emily finally looked at him, and the compassion in his eyes overwhelmed her. She leaned into him and cried, staining his jacket with tears. He put his arms around her tightly, rubbing her back as her tears slowly subsided. She sat up awkwardly, sniffling loudly. “Sorry about your jacket,” she said thickly.

“Don't worry, it's Daesung's,” he replied, winking at her. She smiled in spite of herself and wiped her cheeks. “I'm sorry I didn't-”

“Don't apologize,” Seungri said immediately, pulling out a package of tissues. “We just didn't want you to think we'd forgotten about you.” He offered Emily a tissue and she accepted it gratefully. “Where are the others?” she asked, dabbing at her eyes.

“Jiyong had a meeting and the others are at the arena,” he replied. “I came back early because I wasn't feeling well.”

“But you look fine,” Emily said, giving him a once-over. Seungri shrugged. “I had an acute case of knew-you-were-coming-back-today-itis,” he said, grinning cheekily.

“I specifically asked Sagowa not to say anything!” Emily exclaimed. “I didn't want to be a distraction.”

“I overheard him on the phone with you,” Seungri explained. “Besides, you're not a distraction. You're our friend,” he said, taking her hand gently. Emily felt a lump in her throat. “You're going to make me cry again,” she said, shaking her head.

“We're going to help you through this,” Seungri promised, standing up. “Have you eaten? There's food in my suite.”

Emily allowed him to lead her back to his suite, half-listening to his chatter as they walked. She still felt sad, but now some small part of her felt a little lighter.

“Do you want me to call the others?” Seungri asked, pulling out a chair for her. Emily shook her head. “Sagowa will tell them I'm back after the concert tonight,” she said, sitting down. “I need the time to settle in and you need to focus on your performance.”

Seungri sat down across from her and handed her a plate. “I know you like tuna rolls,” he said, lifting a silver cover off of a dish. Emily smiled. “I did miss the sushi,” she admitted, putting several rolls on her plate. She looked up at Seungri. “I missed all of you too,” she said quietly. She started eating before she could cry, the tangy food strangely comforting. “Remember, don't say anything to the others,” she reminded him.

“I won't,” he promised, “but are you sure you'll be alright by yourself tonight? I hate for you to be alone.”

“I need to rest,” Emily said, opening a water bottle. “I'm still on Tennessee time and it's roughly two a.m. right now.”

“You're risking my life by including me in your deception,” he teased. “Jiyong might skin me alive.”

“I'm sure you'll be fine,” Emily murmured. Her full stomach made her feel even more tired and she set her plate aside. “Thank you for the food,” she said, getting up, “and for pretending to be sick. I needed the company.”

She left Seungri’s suite and went back to her own, her eyelids already drooping. She kicked off her shoes and crawled into bed, sleep claiming her at last.


******


Jiyong gave one final wave to their fans before disappearing backstage. “Great show, everyone!” he called, high fiving staff members on his way to their dressing room. He felt his familiar post-show high come on, giving him a delicious sense of euphoria. This is the life, he thought blissfully, entering the dressing room.

The others were already there, changing out of their sweaty clothes. “Nice encore,” Seunghyun called, tossing him a water bottle. Jiyong caught it effortlessly. “Thanks,” he replied, taking a large gulp of chilled water. “I can't believe we only have three shows left.”

“I can,” Seungri said, peeling off his damp shirt. “I’m going to sleep for a week once the tour's over.”

Jiyong raised an eyebrow. “You're not getting sick, are you?” he asked, putting a hand to Seungri's forehead. Seungri batted him away. “I'm fine, just starving and sleep deprived,” he joked.

Jiyong grabbed his phone off of the makeup table and checked it, scrolling through his notifications rapidly. Nothing, he thought, disappointed. He was really worried about Emily, and her silence over the last two weeks hadn't helped things.

“She'll call when she's ready,” Youngbae said, pulling on his favorite jeans. “She's-”

“Grieving, I know,” Jiyong finished, sliding his phone into his pocket. “I just don't know what to do.”

“We're already doing it,” Seunghyun replied, removing his jewelry methodically. “She asked us to keep going like normal, and that's what we've done.”

“She is coming back, right?” Daesung asked, pulling his boots off and looking around at the others. “I mean, she can't just disappear, can she?”

“She'll come back,” Seungri assured him, putting on a fresh shirt. “When she's ready.”

There was a knock on the door and Sagowa peeked in. “Can I have a moment?” he asked, closing the door behind him. Jiyong nodded. “What's up?” he asked.

Sagowa pulled a stool over and sat down. “I wanted to tell you that Emily flew in today,” he said quietly. “She's at the hotel now.”

Jiyong felt a jolt rocket through him. “She's been back and you didn't say anything?” he demanded.

“She asked me not to,” Sagowa replied coolly. “She knew you had a show today and didn't want to distract you. She wanted some time alone to settle in.”

“Is she…” Seunghyun hesitated. “How is she?”

“I haven't seen her yet, but when I spoke to her this morning she sounded fine,” Sagowa replied. “Obviously she's been through quite an ordeal. She wants to immerse herself back into her work, but the next few weeks are going to be especially hard for her. She needs you.”

Everyone nodded. “Can we see her tonight?” Daesung asked.

“Let's wait until morning,” Sagowa suggested. “You've all had a long day, and I'm giving you the day off tomorrow to spend time with her.” He stood up and rubbed the back of his neck. “The car will be ready in a few minutes,” he said quietly, and he left the room.

“I told you she'd come back,” Seungri said triumphantly.

“We can't overwhelm her,” Seunghyun said immediately.

“What do we do? Should we get her presents, candy?” Youngbae asked.

“Should we all show up together, or go one at a time?” Daesung asked.

“Stop, everyone,” Jiyong said, putting his hands up. “We'll go in the morning, together, and bring her breakfast.”

“Don't you want to see her… by yourself?” Seungri asked. Jiyong sighed. “There's time for that later,” he said quietly. “I don't want her to feel pressured right now. Let's just take it one step at a time.”

They left the arena and rode back to the hotel in silence, each of them thinking about Emily. Jiyong felt a small, selfish sense of relief. She came back, he thought to himself. She came back.


******


Emily lay awake, staring out the window at the lightening sky. There was a rap on the door and she got up, pulling on her robe before opening it. All of the guys were there, carrying bags of food and cups of coffee. She smiled. “Hi guys,” she said, letting them in.

“We thought we'd bring you breakfast,” Youngbae said, setting the food on the table.

“Did we wake you?” Seunghyun asked anxiously. Emily shook her head. “I've been awake for a while,” she said, tying her robe more snugly around her waist. There was a moment of awkward silence, then Daesung wrapped Emily in a hug. She hugged him back tightly, his designer cologne wafting over her comfortingly. Seunghyun was next, bending down slightly like he always had to. Youngbae hugged her gently, like she was made of glass and might shatter at any moment. Seungri enfolded her like a mother hen sheltering her chick, rubbing her back tenderly before letting her go.

Emily finally looked at Jiyong. Something about seeing him cracked her facade and she started to cry, hiding her face in her hands. He drew her in and embraced her tightly, stroking her hair gently while she cried. She willed the tears to stop, but she stayed there for a moment, resting her head on his shoulder. Eventually she pulled back, wiping her cheeks for the thousandth time. “I'm sorry,” she whispered, embarrassed.

Jiyong started to say something, then seemed to change his mind.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Daesung asked.

“Not that you have to,” Youngbae added, jabbing Daesung with his elbow.

“Maybe later,” Emily said, grabbing a tissue and wiping her nose. “I need to brush my teeth.” She went to the bathroom and closed the door, sighing. She looked in the mirror, her face blotchy and red from crying. She turned the faucet on and splashed the cool water on her face, taking deep breaths. Normal starts today, she promised herself, reaching for a towel.


******


Jiyong groaned. “I just stood there like an idiot!” he whispered frustratedly.

“We all did,” Seunghyun said, setting the food out on the table. “Except for Mr. Nosy over here.”

“I'm sorry, I panicked!” Daesung said, sitting down. “I didn't know what else to say.”

The bathroom door opened and Emily came back out, looking calmer than before. She had pulled her hair back into a loose braid that lay over her shoulder, a style Jiyong hadn't seen her wear before. She looks so worn out, he thought, pulling out a chair for her. He sat beside her, wishing he could think of anything to say to break the tension.

“So, what's happened while I've been gone?” Emily asked, opening a bottle of juice.

“Well, Jiyong's album is coming along quickly,” Youngbae said, peeling an orange. “He's going to start recording once the tour's over.”

“That's great!” Emily said, smiling at Jiyong. “How many tracks did you decide on?”

“Thirteen,” Jiyong replied, finally finding his voice. “Seunghyun's going to collaborate on one with me.”

“As long as we don't kill each other,” Seunghyun deadpanned. Everyone chuckled and they relaxed a little. “Do you feel like going out today?” Seungri asked. “Sagowa's given us the day off, so we could go do something.”

Emily nodded. “What did you have in mind?”

Notes