If You

Weeks passed and the Japanese leg of the tour began to wind down. They arrived in Tokyo on a perfect day, the sun shining gloriously onto the city.

“Yes, Mom, I'm doing fine,” Emily said, cradling her phone between her shoulder and her cheek. “We just got to Tokyo.”

“Take lots of pictures! Maybe I can use them to convince your father to take me to Japan next year.”

Emily hefted her bag back onto her shoulder. “That'll be the day,” she mumbled, tugging her suitcase behind her. The airport was busy enough, but there were BIGBANG fans lining the walkways and going crazy as they walked by. The guys took their time with them, making little progress through the airport.

“What's all that noise?” her mother asked. “It sounds like a riot.”

“You aren't far off,” Emily replied, glancing at the excited fans. “It's just some fans here to see the band. There's always a few whenever we land somewhere.”

Daesung noticed Emily struggling with her suitcase and grabbed it, pulling it behind him easily. Emily smiled and shook her head. “Mom, can I call you later? I can barely hear you and we've got a busy morning ahead of us.”

“Of course, honey. I love you!”

“Love you too,” Emily replied, hanging up. She stuck her phone into her pocket. “Thanks, Daesung, but I think I can manage now,” she said, taking the handle of her suitcase.

“So have you and Jiyong…” he trailed off, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Daesung!” Emily gasped, smacking him.

“What? I was going to say 'have you and Jiyong spent any time together?’,” he said, rubbing his arm.

“Oh,” Emily said, feeling sheepish. “Not any more than usual. Sagowa asked us not to, remember?”

“I didn't realize you were such a stickler for rules,” Daesung muttered. They walked outside to the curb where a car waited for them.

“It's one of my best qualities,” she replied, climbing into the car. She went to the backseat, choosing a window seat as the guys climbed in behind her. Seungri sat beside her, pulling his mask down with a sigh. “Fans are awesome,” he said, throwing a casual arm around Emily's shoulders. Emily caught Jiyong watching her in the passenger mirror and she winked at him. “Yeah, awesome,” she agreed, looking out her window. There were still fans lining both sidewalks, holding up signs and waving frantically at the car as it pulled away.

Their hotel was large and beautiful, decorated with immaculate marble columns and gleaming granite walls. “This will be one of the best shows of the entire tour,” Seungri announced as they walked to the elevators.

“How do you know?” Emily asked, pressing the up button.

“It just always is,” Seungri said, stepping into the open elevator. “Tokyo has this weird magic surrounding it. We always have an amazing time whenever we're here.”

“I didn't know you were such a romantic,” Emily said, watching the floor numbers tick by.

“Don't tell anyone, I have an image to maintain,” he sniffed. Everyone laughed as the doors opened and they stepped out into the hallway. Daesung patted his pockets. “Where's my-”

“Room key?” Emily finished, waving the card at him. “Sagowa gave it to me for safekeeping.”

“I'm perfectly capable of keeping up with my own key,” Daesung said, taking the key from her.

“Says the man who dropped his last one down an elevator shaft,” Youngbae commented.

“That was one time,” Daesung grumbled, entering his room.

Jiyong grabbed Emily's hand, letting the others continue down the hallway. “I've hardly had a moment to myself since…” he trailed off, glancing down the hallway. “I want to see you.”

“You see me all the time,” Emily replied innocently. “On the plane, during concerts-”

Jiyong kissed her, cutting her off. “Too many eyes and distractions,” he murmured. “I want you to myself, just for a little while.”

The elevator dinged again and Emily took a step back. Two business men walked by, deep in conversation.

“We promised Sagowa,” Emily whispered. “If anyone saw-”

“I don't care about all that,” Jiyong interrupted. “How am I supposed to wait another month just to hold your hand in public?”

Emily smiled sympathetically. “You'll find a way, just like I do,” she said, kissing him on the cheek before heading down to her room.


******


Jiyong set the weights down and exhaled loudly, leaning on his knees. He felt sweat run down his back, but he still felt a burning energy inside, like an itch he couldn't reach. This is going to kill me, he thought, shaking his hair out of his eyes. He walked over to the treadmill and got on, starting at a brisk pace. He ran faster and faster until he was nearly sprinting, sweat pouring down his body as he stared at his reflection in the mirror.

“Whoa, where's the fire?” Youngbae asked, entering the gym.

Jiyong ignored him, his feet never missing a step. Youngbae slung a towel over his shoulder and watched him for a moment, bemused. “Getting antsy?” he asked.

“No,” Jiyong said defensively. “I like running.”

Youngbae glanced at his screen. “For fifteen minutes? Even Olympic athletes don't like running that much. Listen, I know how to help you.”

Jiyong grabbed the handlebars and lifted himself off of the treadmill, straddling it carefully. “Help me how?” he asked suspiciously.

“Isn't it obvious? You and Emily need to go on a date.”

Jiyong shook his head. “We can't. Not until after the tour and YG’s statement.”

Youngbae raised an eyebrow. “I never said you had to go out on a date.”


******


Emily made it back to her suite, her back aching from the weight of her satchel. This tour is endless, she thought, unlocking her door. Music flowed out of the room and she paused, listening. That sounds like SHINee, she thought, entering the room cautiously.

A table was set up in the middle of the room, set for two and covered with food and candles. A bottle of wine sat in a bucket of ice beside a large bouquet of lilies. Someone stood by the window looking out at the city, and he turned to face her.

“Jiyong, what are you doing here?” Emily asked, setting her satchel down. “What's all of this?”

“It was Youngbae's idea,” he replied, coming over to her. “Welcome to our first date.”

“But Sagowa-”

“Asked us not to go out by ourselves,” Jiyong interrupted. “Since we haven't left the hotel, we aren't technically out, are we?”

“I can't argue with that,” Emily agreed, smiling. Jiyong pulled a chair out for her and she sat, the smell of the food making her stomach growl. “Though I feel obligated to point out you have a concert tomorrow. Shouldn't you be resting?”

Jiyong poured two glasses of wine. “This is better than sleep,” he said, handing her a glass.

The next few hours seemed to fly by, filled with teasing and stories about everything from childhood mishaps to embarrassing moments. Emily's face soon ached from smiling, but she couldn't have cared less.

“Do you want to dance?” Jiyong asked, standing up. Emily felt a flash of panic. “I'm not much of a dancer,” she said quickly.

“If only one of us had been professionally trained,” Jiyong said, grinning at her and extending his hand. Emily smiled back and took it, allowing him to pull her up smoothly. “There's not much to it,” he said, changing the playlist on his phone. “All you have to do is follow my lead.”

Smooth swing music began playing, the horns swelling softly as he put his hand on her back. “Just try not to step on my feet,” he said, winking at her. Emily let him guide her through the steps, her feet gradually finding their rhythm. “I assumed you only did hip hop,” she confessed, tossing her hair back.

Jiyong smiled. “I'd be a pretty poor dancer if I only learned one dance style,” he said, looking down at her. “Believe it or not, Seungri is actually the best at waltzing.”

“Really?” Emily said, surprised. “But he's so klutzy!”

Jiyong laughed. “He's full of surprises.” He looked around the room. “I’m sorry about having our date here. After the tour I'll take you on a real date, I promise.”

“Don't apologize,” Emily said. “This is perfect. Thank you.”

Jiyong leaned down and kissed her, pulling her into his body. He tasted like wine and Emily returned the kiss eagerly, sliding her fingers into his hair. He kept his hands on her waist, though she felt his fingers tighten on her.

She pulled away, her breathing slightly ragged. “Is something wrong?” he asked anxiously.

“No, nothing,” Emily murmured. “I just feel a little lightheaded.”

“It's probably just the wine,” Jiyong said, guiding her back to her chair. “It'll pass soon, I'm sure.”

Emily felt an odd vibrating on her back. She reached back into her jacket from where it hung on her chair and pulled out her phone. Eight missed calls? she wondered, sitting up slightly. She unlocked her phone and scrolled through her notifications. “My dad's been trying to call me,” she said, holding up her phone. “Do you mind if…”

“Of course not,” Jiyong said immediately. “It must be urgent if he's called that many times.” He walked over to the window, giving her some privacy.

Emily dialed and put her phone to her ear. Her dad picked up after the first ring. “Emily. I've been trying to call you.”

“I'm sorry, Dad, my phone was on silent,” she said. “What's up?”

There was silence for several seconds, then her dad sighed loudly. “Something happened this morning,” he said quietly.

“What?” Emily asked, her smile slowly fading.

“Your mom was at the counseling center doing some paperwork when… when she had an aneurysm. Your sister found her slumped over her desk.”

Emily felt a chill race down her spine. “Is she okay? Is she in the hospital?”

Jiyong turned around quickly, eyebrows knitted together in concern.

“Your sister called an ambulance, but by the time they got there, there wasn't anything they could do.”

Emily blinked. “What are you saying?”

“She's gone, honey.”

The room seemed to collapse in on itself, growing dark and blurry. Emily's breathing quickened as she tried to process her dad's statement.

“Emily? Honey?” Her dad's voice broke slightly, his composure faltering. “Are you there?”

“Yes,” Emily whispered.

“Emily, your mother loved you so much. She was incredibly proud of you, just like I am.”

The phone slipped from between Emily's fingers and fell to the floor. Jiyong knelt beside her, taking her hand in his. “Emily? What is it?”

He picked up her phone, the call still active. He offered it back to her, but she didn't move to take it, staring at the floor.

“She'll call you back,” he said, ending the call and setting the phone on the table. “Emily,” he said, shaking her gently. “Talk to me.”

My mother is dead, Emily thought, unable to accept the idea. She stood up suddenly, her mind racing. My mother is dead. My mother is dead.

“Emily, you're scaring me,” Jiyong said. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

Emily looked up at him, tears pooling in her eyes. “My mother is dead,” she whispered. Something broke within her and she wept, wrapping her arms around herself. Jiyong held her as her cries turned to wailing, giving voice to a pain so deep and terrible it threatened to swallow her.

“What will I do?” she sobbed. “She can't be dead, she can't!”

“I know,” Jiyong murmured, stroking her hair. “I'm so sorry, Emily.”

He continued whispering comforting words into her ear, but she didn't hear them. Get it together, Emily, said a voice somewhere in the back of her mind. Don't waste any more time.

Emily pulled away from Jiyong. “I have to go home,” she said, grabbing her suitcase. “Now, tonight.” She started emptying drawers, packing quickly. “Can you tell the others? I don't think I-” she stopped, covering her mouth as a fresh wave of grief hit her.

“Of course,” Jiyong agreed. “What can I do?”

“I need a plane ticket,” she said, going to her closet and pulling clothes off of the hangers. “The earliest flight to the States.”

“Done,” he said, pulling out his phone. Ten minutes later Emily was packed and ready to go, her suitcase waiting by the door.

“I found a flight leaving at six a.m.,” Jiyong said, sliding his phone into his jacket. “Let me walk you down.”

“I still have to tell Sagowa,” Emily realized.

“I'll do it once you're gone,” Jiyong said calmly. “He'll understand.”

They rode down to the lobby in silence, Jiyong holding Emily's hand tightly. The doors opened and he let go reluctantly, shoving his hands into his pockets as they crossed the lobby. They made it outside and the bellboy flagged down a cab. Emily shivered in the predawn air. “Thank you,” she whispered, giving the bellboy her suitcase.

“I'm so sorry,” Jiyong said, shaking his head. “I wish you didn't have to go back alone.”

“It's what I need,” Emily replied. “Just keep going with the tour. I need to know that something is still normal.”

The bellboy opened the cab door and Emily hugged Jiyong tightly. She wanted to say something, but nothing came out. He wrapped his arms around her and she felt him kiss the top of her head. She let go slowly and climbed into the cab, the bellboy closing the door behind her. The cab pulled away and she wiped more tears off her cheeks. As they wound through the city to the airport Emily felt tiny, like she was completely alone in the world. She curled up on the seat and cried into her sweater.


******


Jiyong watched the cab merge into traffic and disappear around the corner before going back inside. He felt drained, like every emotion had been sucked out of him. He rubbed his eyes, trying to pull himself together.

“Jiyong?”

He looked up. “Youngbae. Why are you down here?” he asked.

“I don't sleep much, so I just had a workout,” Youngbae replied, pulling at his sweat-soaked shirt. “Are you okay? How did the date go?”

Jiyong groaned. “Are the others up yet?” he asked. Youngbae checked his watch. “Not for a couple more hours,” he said. “Why?”

“I can't talk about it here,” Jiyong mumbled, pressing the elevator button. Youngbae raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything as they rode up to the ninth floor. Jiyong went back to his room, consumed by thoughts of a hot shower. Youngbae followed him. “Can you talk about it now?” he asked, leaning against the wall.

Jiyong went into the bathroom. “The date was going really well,” he said, turning on the shower. “We had dinner, some wine, danced…”

“Sounds like a good time,” Youngbae commented.

Jiyong pulled his shirt off. “Yeah, until her dad called. Her mom had an aneurysm. She died a few hours ago.”

“What!?” Youngbae exclaimed. “Where's Emily?”

“On her way back to America,” Jiyong said, stepping into the shower. “She's completely devastated, obviously.” He remembered her sobs and shut his eyes, letting the water stream down his face. He heard the bathroom door open and close.

“I wonder if-” Youngbae stopped suddenly.

“What?” Jiyong prodded, running his hands through his hair.

“What if she doesn't want to come back?”

Jiyong froze. That hadn't occurred to him. “What do you mean?” he asked, rinsing the shampoo out of his hair.

“What if she wants to stay in America with her family?” Youngbae mused. “She might feel guilty for being away when her mom died.”

“She'll come back,” Jiyong assured him, half-talking to himself as he watched the bubbles swirl down the drain. “She has to finish the book. She wouldn't just leave us.”

“You're right,” Youngbae agreed. “I'll rouse the others so you can tell them before Sagowa’s up.”

The door opened and closed again and Jiyong turned the water off. He grabbed a towel and wrapped it around himself before getting out. He walked over to the mirror and inspected his face for stubble. He stared at his reflection, leaning in close. “She’ll come back,” he whispered.

Notes