If You

Emily folded her hands tightly in her lap, trying to keep a pleasant expression on her face. MAMA was due to go live in just a few minutes and the arena was going wild. Well, wild by their standards.

Daesung slid into the seat next to her. “It’s almost time,” he whispered, pulling on his cuffs. “Don’t be so tense.”

“I’m not tense,” Emily retorted. “I’m just...used to being in the wings.”

“A beautiful woman like you should never be in the wings,” Daesung replied smoothly.

“Ugh, save it for your fans,” Youngbae groaned, sitting next to him.

“Don’t worry, Youngbae, I can handle this goofball,” Emily said, elbowing Daesung.

“That’s the spirit!” Seungri said, walking over to her. He handed her a set of monitors plugged into a small pack. “What’s this?” she asked, lifting up the cords.

“It’s a translator. I got it from the sound engineers. Anything said through the microphones will be translated to English in real time.”

“Really?” Emily said, looking at it with renewed interest. “You really thought of everything, didn’t you?”

Seungri shook his head. “It wasn’t us, it was all…”

The lights went down and the audience cheered. Seungri took his seat as Emily put her monitors in. Here we go, she thought breathlessly.


* * * * * *


Two hours later Emily was applauding f(x)’s performance when Daesung nudged her. “We’re going to change,” he said loudly, the cheering competing with his voice. Emily nodded and the guys left, slipping away quickly in the darkness. As the stage reset for the next performance Emily sensed someone coming to sit next to her. Must be one of the other groups, she thought, remembering what Daesung had said earlier. She turned to greet them and her heart jumped. Is...Is that SHINee?!

The lights came back up and Emily felt a nudge. “Hi,” Key said, extending his hand. “I'm Kibum.”

Emily shook his hand gingerly. “Emily,” she stammered. Her face flushed and she looked down at her lap. “I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting…”

“Us?” Kibum laughed. “It's okay, we kind of sneaked up on you. Seungri mentioned you were a fan of ours, so we wanted to say hi.”

I'm gonna kill that maknae, Emily promised herself, trying to regain her composure. “You'd think after all this time I'd be used to meeting idols,” she joked.

“Join the club,” Kibum replied. “We've been doing this for years and I still fangirl all the time.” He leaned in slightly. “I have a favor to ask,” he said in a low voice.

“Sure,” Emily said.

“Well, Jinki is a fan of your books and was wanting to get your autograph. Is that okay?”

Emily blinked. “My autograph?” she repeated.

“Yeah. He can be a little shy, but it would mean a lot to him.”

“No problem,” Emily said, remembering herself. She leaned forward and made eye contact with a bashful Jinki. “Hi,” she said, giving a tiny wave. Jinki looked at Kibum, who nodded. Jinki came over and sat on her other side, bowing as he did so. “I’m a...big fan,” he said loudly. He pulled a small book out of his jacket. “My favorite,” he said, handing it to her. Emily recognized her second novel and her mouth dropped. “You brought my book with you to MAMA?” she asked incredulously.

“You’re lucky he only brought one,” Kibum teased. “We heard you might be here and he got really excited.”

Emily took the book and opened the front cover. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I have a…”

“Pen?” Jinki said, holding out a black pen.

“You thought of everything, didn’t you?” Emily asked, accepting the pen. She signed the title page and gave it back, Jinki staring at it reverently. “I didn’t think I’d have many fans in South Korea,” she laughed. “I wasn’t sure you could even get my books in Korean.”

“It was hard to find,” Kibum agreed, “but a lot of people were curious about you when you came here. This seemed like a good place to start.”

“I’m just...incredibly flattered,” Emily said, feeling shy again.

The lights went completely out and the audience screamed, waving their lightsticks frantically. Emily felt a curious rush of excitement as the stage gradually came to life, showing five silhouettes against the giant screen. This was the most elaborate BIGBANG performance Emily had seen yet, packed with pyrotechnics, lasers and scores of backup dancers, but watching the guys was her favorite part. They immersed themselves in the performance, taking total command of the arena. Kibum and the other SHINee members kept exclaiming in Korean, their excitement just as palpable as the crowd’s. Emily felt pride in her friends as they performed, and for the first time felt truly lucky to be a part of it all.

The performance ended and the stage went dark again, the crowd still screaming madly. “That’s our cue!” Kibum announced, standing up. “I enjoyed meeting you, Emily. I’m sure we’ll meet again.”

Emily nodded and they hurried off, Jinki waving at her as he went. That was something else, she thought, waving back. Who thought I'd be signing autographs at an Asian awards show?

The guys returned, out of costume and grinning hugely. “Well?” Youngbae asked, sitting beside her. “Did you like it?”

“You all did great,” Emily agreed. She reached out and smacked Seungri as he went by. “What was that for?” he asked, rubbing his arm.

“You could've warned me about your conversation with SHINee,” she replied, raising an eyebrow. Seungri laughed. “Not a chance. I bumped into Kibum backstage and I couldn't resist. Didn't you like them?”

“Of course!” Emily said immediately. “Jinki even wanted my autograph.”

“Jinki wanted your autograph?” Jiyong asked incredulously.

Emily's smile faltered. “He's a fan of my books. He brought one for me to sign.”

“I didn't mean that you aren't...That people wouldn't…” Jiyong sighed. “I'm an idiot.”

“So you've finally admitted it,” Seunghyun said cheerfully. Jiyong shoved him just as SHINee took the stage. After a few more artists Youngbae left to prepare for his solo performance, leaving an empty spot between Emily and Jiyong. Jiyong slid down the seat a little. “I really didn't mean to put you down earlier,” he whispered. “I'm sorry.”

“It's okay,” Emily said, brushing it off. “I was more surprised than you when he asked me.”

“You shouldn't be,” Jiyong said decidedly. “You're a truly excellent writer.”

Emily tilted her head. “Have you read my books too?” she asked.

“No, but…” he stopped, looking uncomfortable. “But what?” Emily pressed. “Oh look, there's Youngbae,” Jiyong said, ignoring her question and applauding heartily.

That was weird, Emily thought, looking back at the stage. I'll ask him later.


******


Jiyong mentally kicked himself. That was close, he thought, pretending to be absorbed in Youngbae’s performance. What is wrong with you?! You almost told her about the diary, you moron!

Youngbae's performance ended and the stage was reset again. Youngbae came back, sitting between him and Seunghyun. “I almost dropped my microphone during the dance breaks,” he said, leaning close to Jiyong. “My hands were really sweaty.”

“Are you feeling alright?” Jiyong asked concernedly.

Youngbae nodded. “I'm fine, but I'll be glad to get back to the hotel.” He leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees. I hope this isn't too much for him, Jiyong thought worriedly.


******


The host announced the “Best Male Artist” category and Emily straightened up, biting her lip. She sensed Jiyong tense up next to her as the six candidates were named. She put a hand on his arm, trying to reassure him as the host opened the results.

“And the winner is...G-DRAGON!”

Jiyong bowed his head as the others leapt out of their seats, applauding and yelling. Emily laughed and stood with them, even feeling a little emotional on Jiyong's behalf. He finally got up and walked across the stage to receive his award, bowing to the pretty actress holding the prize. He stepped up to the microphone, holding the trophy tightly in one hand. “Thank you for this incredible honor,” he said softly. “This has been an amazing year, not just for me, but for all of us. I'm touched-” he paused, trying to regain his composure. “I'm touched that you chose me to receive this award. Thank you.” He bowed again and the crowd cheered as he returned to his seat, wiping his eyes carefully.

“Congratulations!” Emily exclaimed. “This is amazing!”

“I think I’m in shock,” he confessed, smiling at her. “This is surreal.”

He left to do his post-award interview and the others sat down again, chattering in Korean. Emily felt a little teary as she watched them, the excitement and relief almost overwhelming her. He did it. He really did it.


******


Hours later they all finally got into their limo and headed back to the hotel, completely exhausted. BIGBANG had won awards in more than one category, the little trophies now nestled between Jiyong and Youngbae. Emily made a few halfhearted notes in a small notebook, finding it difficult to focus.

“Always working,” Seungri said, shaking his head at her.

“I just...don’t want to forget anything,” Emily yawned, covering her mouth with one hand. Though I doubt I’ll be able to forget, she mused, closing her notebook.

They arrived at the hotel and entered the lobby. It was mostly deserted, most of the guests already in bed. They headed up the stairs, Emily trying to hold onto her skirt. She misstepped and her foot wrenched, slipping off of the stair. Her purse flew out of her arms, bursting open as it fell and scattering her belongings all over the staircase. She managed to grab onto the bannister and breathed a sigh of relief.

“Emily!” Seunghyun called, coming back down. “Are you okay?”

Emily nodded sheepishly. “I think so. I just slipped, that’s all.” She pulled herself up and hissed when she tried to stand. “I may have hurt my ankle,” she admitted.

“Can you walk?” Seungri asked.

“It’s already swelling,” Jiyong said, kneeling down to inspect it. “You need to ice it quickly.” He deftly undid her shoe, sliding it off smoothly. “It doesn’t look broken, but you might be on crutches for a little while.”

Emily grimaced. Between the three of them they got her off of the floor, Daesung and Youngbae going to collect her things from the stairs. Emily wobbled and grabbed onto Jiyong’s arm instinctively, leaning on him heavily. “I don’t think I can walk,” she said, cursing the treacherous heels.

“I agree,” Seunghyun said, and before she could resist he scooped her up like a child, her skirt billowing around her. “Seunghyun!” she protested, shaking her head.

“Do you have a better idea?” he asked.

“I could make it,” Emily said stubbornly.

“If you make your ankle worse, you’ll end up spending the first month of the tour on crutches,” he said, carrying her up the stairs effortlessly. Emily didn’t have a valid response and sighed. “Fine,” she grumbled. Daesung returned with her purse, snapping it closed. “I think I found everything,” he said, handing it to her. “You have a ton of pens in there, by the way.”

“Says the man who carries five different flavors of gum,” Youngbae teased, pressing the elevator button.

“There’s nothing wrong with having fresh breath,” Daesung sniffed. “Some of us just like a wide variety of flavors.”

“Or a wide variety of everything,” Emily countered, eliciting a laugh from the others. The elevator doors opened and they stepped inside, still chuckling.

They arrived at the fourteenth floor and Seunghyun brought Emily to her room, everyone except for Jiyong following them. With some effort Emily swiped her key card and the door swung open. “Just put me on the bed,” she directed, and Seunghyun obeyed, setting her down gently. “Thanks,” she said, smiling at him.

“Do you want me to bring you some ice?” Seungri asked, already going to the mini fridge.

“I can manage. Go to bed,” she said, shooing them away. “You’ve all had a long day.”

Seunghyun straightened up reluctantly. “You did really well tonight,” he said, pulling his jacket down. “I hope it didn’t overwhelm you.”

“To be honest, I was a little overwhelmed,” Emily admitted, taking off her other shoe. “But everyone I met was really kind to me, and I did have a good time watching the performances.” She dropped her shoe onto the floor. “Thank you all for making it happen.”

She saw Youngbae and Seunghyun exchange a look. “Don’t do that,” she groaned. “Every time you do that look it means something bad.”

“No, it’s not that, it’s just…” Youngbae glanced out into the hallway, making sure it was empty. “Everything, the dress, the limo, the whole night...it was all Jiyong’s idea.”

“Jiyong’s idea?” Emily repeated, surprised.

Seunghyun sighed. “We weren’t supposed to say anything!”

“Why not?” Emily asked.

“Because he likes you,” Daesung said casually, flipping through the room service menu.

Emily sighed exasperatedly. “I don’t know what the fascination with me and Jiyong is, but it needs to end,” she said flatly. “It’s a miracle that we’re friends, and I don’t want any stupid teasing. Please?”

Someone coughed and Emily looked up. Jiyong stood in the doorway, holding her shoe. “I just came to...um…” he set the shoe down and turned to leave.

“Jiyong!” Emily called, forgetting her ankle as she stood up. She yelped and Daesung caught her, easing her back down onto the bed. She folded her arms and sighed. “Great. Just great,” she muttered, looking up at the ceiling. Seungri came over and smacked Daesung on the back of the head. “Hey!” Daesung grumbled, rubbing his head. “Like I was the only one thinking it!”

“Daesung,” Seunghyun cut him off, shaking his head. “We’ll deal with this in the morning.” He bowed to Emily, then gestured for the others to follow him out of the room. After the door closed behind them Emily fell back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. Why do I feel like I just messed up really bad?


******


Jiyong sat on his bed, absently pulling off his tie. He hadn't meant to hear Daesung's proclamation, but it was Emily's response that had affected him. He tossed his tie onto the bed and began working on his shoes. A miracle, she called it, he thought, setting his shoes aside.

There was a knock and Jiyong groaned. “I'm busy,” he called, shedding his jacket. The door opened and Youngbae poked his head in. Jiyong sighed. “Still not a very good listener, are you?” He said, standing up and hanging his jacket on a chair.

Youngbae closed the door behind him. “That was way out of context,” he said without preamble.

“Oh, I got the context,” Jiyong said, unbuttoning his shirt. “She said that it was a miracle that we're friends and finds the idea of us being together stupid.”

“No, she said she didn't want any stupid teasing. And since when do you care about there being an “us”?”

“I don't!” Jiyong snapped, balling up his shirt and throwing it to the floor. He pulled a tee shirt out of a drawer and pulled it on.

“Then why does this bother you?” Youngbae asked, putting his hands on his hips.

Jiyong paused, looking out the window at the skyline. “I...I don't know,” he said quietly. “It shouldn't bother me at all, and yet it does.”

“A few weeks ago you hated her,” Youngbae reminded him. “You couldn't have cared less about what she thought of you.”

“And then you almost died!” Jiyong said, turning around again. “She had no reason to do us any favors, let alone save one of our lives, but she did it anyway. Did you know you punched her in the face that night and gave her a giant bruise? And she still slept on her own bedroom floor to keep watch over you.”

Youngbae's face paled. “I hit her?” He whispered. Jiyong regretted saying that, but didn't pause. “She's one of the kindest people I've ever met, and...I care what she thinks of me.”

Youngbae rubbed his chin, still processing Jiyong's revelation. “You need to be careful,” he said finally. “I'm really glad you've made up with her, but you can't let it escalate. Let some more time pass and make sure what you're feeling is genuine and not a by-product of an emotional situation.”

Jiyong traded his skinny jeans for his favorite sweat pants. “I don't know what I feel,” he muttered, tying them loosely.

“Take some time to figure it out.”

Jiyong looked up. “Youngbae…”

Youngbae ignored him, leaving the room quickly. Jiyong sighed and sank down into one of the overstuffed chairs by the window. He could see his reflection in the glass, wan and smudged with makeup. How do I constantly screw things up? he wondered, running his hands through his hair. I've got to fix this.

Notes