If You

They arrived in Hong Kong during morning rush hour, the streets packed with people on their way to work. Emily felt excitement bubble up inside her as they weaved through the insanity. In many ways it was similar to Seoul, but there was something new and fresh about it, the unknown beckoning to her. This is amazing, she thought blissfully.


* * * * * *

Jiyong stared out of the car window, frowning at the traffic. We’d better not be late, he thought to himself, checking his watch. They were due at the hotel at ten, then at the AsiaWorld-Arena at eleven for rehearsals, sound checks, last-minute fittings and all of the other essential tasks. He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling a little overwhelmed. Come on, Jiyong, pull it together. This is no different from the other times.
He heard a giggle and opened his eyes, looking at Seungri and Emily in the front row. Emily was pointing at something and Seungri was explaining it to her. Both of them were laughing at some little joke, Emily’s face turning red as she tried to stifle her giggles. She looked at him, still smiling widely. Jiyong felt his anxiety lessen and he smiled back. She went back to the window, her eyes wide with excitement.
Well, maybe this time is a little different, he thought, leaning back in his seat. Seunghyun nudged him and Jiyong jumped like someone had pinched him. Seunghyun raised his eyebrows, looking at Emily, then back at Jiyong. “Seunghyun!” Jiyong hissed quietly, shaking his head.

“Why not?” Seunghyun whispered, smiling wickedly. “She’s beautiful and nice, and you’re...well, you’re rich.”

Jiyong punched him, causing the others to look at them. He sat back innocently, looking at the floor until they lost interest. “It’s not like that,” he whispered. “I mistreated her for a long time, Seunghyun. I’m still surprised she accepted my apology. If she liked anyone, it would be you.”
Seunghyun snorted softly. “I don’t think so. But if you’re sure…”

“I’m sure,” Jiyong said flatly.

The car pulled up to the hotel and they climbed out, bellboys already hurrying out to get their luggage. Sagowa checked them in at the front desk and handed out room keys. “Everyone’s on the fourteenth floor, and I have spare keys if needed. I’ve got breakfast waiting in my room, then we’ll head to the arena.”

An elevator ride later they were in Sagowa’s suite sitting down to breakfast. It was simple, mostly bagels and fruit, but they were content. Jiyong peeled a banana absently, watching his friends eat and laugh. He was continually drawn back to Youngbae, watching him carefully. The last several days had been torture for both of them as Youngbae went through the first stages of withdrawal. The sobbing and convulsing would haunt Jiyong until he died, but Youngbae had made it this far and seemed to be improving. Youngbae laughed at something and pelted Seunghyun with grapes, color coming into his cheeks. Jiyong felt that familiar wave of gratitude well up as he watched his friend, alive and happy, and shuddered at what could have been. He glanced at Emily, busily spreading cream cheese on a bagel. How can I begin to thank her? he wondered, eating his banana thoughtfully.

“Hurry up everyone, we've got to be at the arena in thirty minutes,” Sagowa reminded them, checking his watch. “Guys, you’ll come back here around three to get ready and the limo will pick you up at five.”

An idea came to Jiyong so vividly he almost choked on his fruit. Everyone was already standing up to leave so Seunghyun was the only one who noticed. “You okay?” he asked, sliding his arms into his jacket.

Jiyong coughed and nodded. “I have an idea,” he said, coming over to him. He whispered rapidly in Seunghyun’s ear, his idea solidifying as he talked. Seunghyun grinned excitedly. “That's perfect!” he exclaimed.

“Let's go!” Sagowa called, beckoning them out the door.

“Let's get the others in on this, they'll be thrilled!” Seunghyun said, leading the way. Jiyong nodded, pulling out his phone and dialing. Maybe this is a start.


* * * * * *

Emily nibbled a granola bar, leaning against the wall for a moment. Since arriving at the Asia-World Arena that morning it had been non-stop activity, mostly her trotting after the guys as they went from sound checks to fittings, from fittings to interviews, and on and on. Emily was exhausted, and all she had done was watch and take notes. How do they do this? she wondered, stuffing her wrapper into her pocket. She checked her watch and bit back a groan. Two-thirty. And we've still got the whole show ahead of us.
Sagowa had given her a pass that would allow her to mingle with the idols, but she would sit with the managers during the show. Not that she minded: her only problem would be staying awake in the darkened arena.

The guys emerged from filming their pre-show video for YouTube and Emily stood up, wiping her face surreptitiously. “Ready to go back to the hotel?” Daesung asked, putting a casual arm around her shoulders.

Emily tilted her head. “I thought I was staying here until you 'officially arrived’,” she said.

“That's no fun,” Youngbae countered. “Come back with us and relax at the hotel for a while. It's better than being here all day.”

Emily sighed. “I won't argue with that,” she said, relenting. Youngbae smiled triumphantly, leading the way back to the car. Emily felt relief watching him act normally, smiling and relaxed. She knew that he had a difficult road ahead, but she was glad he was having good days.

They made it back to the hotel, Emily already longing for the soft bed in her room. She was only down the hall from the guys and she went straight for her door.

“Wait!” Seungri said, blocking her path. Emily rolled her eyes. “Some of us need a nap, Seungri,” she said, attempting to go around him.

“Well, it's just…” Seungri looked at Jiyong expectantly. Emily raised her eyebrows, confused.

“What?” she asked, looking from side to side. “Is something wrong?”

“We have a little surprise for you,” Seunghyun said, grinning at her. “It's waiting in your room.”

“What kind of surprise?” she asked suspiciously. “This better not be a prank.”

“No, it's a real surprise,” Daesung assured her. He pulled a bandana out of his back pocket and unfolded it. “Come on, no peeking,” he said playfully. Emily allowed him to blindfold her, her interest piqued as they guided her into the room. Hands maneuvered her around unknown objects until Seungri told her to stop. “Okay, now!” he pronounced.

Emily pulled off the bandana, squinting in the light. Three beautiful boxes sat on her bed, each tied with a huge satiny bow. One was fairly large, while the others were small. “Presents? What's the occasion?” she asked, turning around.

“We know we can never repay you for helping Youngbae,” Seunghyun said, “but we wanted to do something nice for you anyway.”

Emily smiled, feeling her face redden. She went to the bed, examining each box. She selected
the large one, untying the bow carefully. She lifted the lid and pulled back the tissue paper. She gasped softly, lifting out an exquisite dress. It was made of deep green silk, with long lacy sleeves and a full skirt. It shimmered beautifully as Emily held it up, the light catching it perfectly.

“It should fit, we had one of our stylists check your size,” Seunghyun said. “She recommended the color too.”

Emily held it against her, running a hand down the bodice. “It's the most beautiful dress I've ever owned,” she whispered, tearing up a little.

“Open your other presents!” Daesung prodded. Emily reluctantly laid the dress aside and opened the next box, which held a pair of designer shoes. The third held a jewelry set, complete with earrings, bracelets and a necklace all made of silver and diamonds. Emily set the jewelry back onto the bed, looking at each item. “Guys, this is too much!”

“It's not nearly enough,” Jiyong said, stepping forward. “It's our way of saying thank you, that's all.” He snagged a box of tissues off of the nightstand and pulled a tissue out. “Don't say no,” he insisted, handing it to her. Emily accepted it, dabbing at her eyes. “This is wonderful. Thank you all.”

Youngbae pulled an envelope out of his pocket. “Last present,” he said, handing it to her. Emily took it and opened it deftly. Inside was a pass with the MAMA logo on it, but the rest was in Chinese. “I don't understand,” she said, confused.

“We want you to attend the show with us tonight, as a guest,” Seunghyun replied. “We pulled some strings and got you into all of the more exclusive parts of the night, including a seat with us onstage.”

“If you want it,” Jiyong said quickly.

Emily gave them a huge smile. “Of course!” she squealed, throwing her arms around Seunghyun's neck. “Thank you!” she exclaimed. She pulled back and hugged the others in turn, giggling happily.

“Wait, can you all do this?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “Is Sagowa okay with me sitting with you and everything?”

“He took a little convincing, but we kept talking about how great it would be for the book and he finally gave in,” Daesung said, winking at her.

“The real question is, who gets to walk you down the red carpet?” Youngbae interjected.

“Can't I just meet you inside the arena?” Emily asked, the thought of being in front of that many cameras unnerving her.

“Oh no, you're getting the full experience, red carpet and all,” Seunghyun said playfully.

“Come on, we've got two hours to get ready before the limo gets here,” Jiyong announced, checking his watch. “We'll all meet up in the lobby just before five.”

Emily nodded. “Go on then,” she said, shooing them out of the room. After they left she picked the dress up again, holding it against her body. Tonight is going to be wonderful.


* * * * * *

Jiyong stood by the door, checking his watch. The limo wasn't due for another ten minutes, but he liked being early. He watched the bustling hotel through a pair of designer sunglasses, leaning casually against the wall. The hotel was sleek and stylish, with large chandeliers and a short, ornate staircase that went up to the elevators. Seunghyun emerged from an elevator and walked down the steps, his burgundy jacket giving him a sophisticated look. Jiyong was glad he dyed his hair black again; it made him look more mysterious.

“First ones down?” Seunghyun asked, joining Jiyong by the door.

“Yeah, but we've got a few minutes,” Jiyong replied, popping a mint into his mouth.

“I still can't get over the look on Emily's face when she saw that dress,” Seunghyun said, adjusting his jacket cuffs. “Looks like you chose well.”

Jiyong slid his hands into his pockets. “Thanks for not telling her it was me,” he said.

“Sure. Far be it from me to make you seem like a decent person.”

Jiyong shoved him good-naturedly just as Seungri came down the stairs. “Well?” he asked, giving them a twirl. His grey suit was perfectly tailored, and his white hair was swept up from his face, giving him a dramatic look.

“Still think you look like Daesung,” Youngbae said, coming right behind him. Seungri gave him an annoyed look and Jiyong laughed. “You look great, Seungri.” Seungri shook his head, adjusting his tie slightly.

“Are Daesung and Emily here yet?” Youngbae asked, putting on a pair of sunglasses.

Seunghyun shook his head. “Not yet.”

Seungri snorted. “Women are always the last to be ready.”

Jiyong inhaled his mint and coughed loudly, trying to dislodge it. Youngbae thumped him on the back and it flew out of his mouth, bouncing across the floor.

“Sorry,” Seungri said apologetically. Jiyong straightened up, swallowing hard. “I think you almost killed me that time,” he rasped, clearing his throat several times.

“And I missed it?” Daesung asked, coming down the stairs. He and Youngbae had both gone for the classic black tuxedo, except Daesung’s bow tie was sequined.

“Thanks for joining the party,” Seunghyun said, clapping him on the shoulder.

“Where's Emily?” Daesung asked, cracking his neck. “The limo should be here any second now.”


* * * * * *

Emily checked her appearance in the mirror one last time, twirling back and forth. The dress fit well, though the heels were a little taller than she was used to. I hope I don’t trip and kill myself, she thought, frowning at the strappy shoes in the mirror. The jewelry twinkled like tiny stars at her ears and neck, setting off the dress perfectly. After fretting over her hair for over ten minutes, she had decided on soft waves down her back. She had even dug a black clutch out of her suitcase to swap out with her standard satchel.
I can’t decide if I look pretty or ridiculous, she thought, smoothing out imaginary wrinkles on her skirt. She checked her phone before sliding into her purse. Time to go, she thought, giving her reflection a nervous look before leaving her room and heading for the elevators. She walked slower than normal, the shoes upsetting her equilibrium, but by the time she reached the elevator they felt more normal. I can do this, she thought, pressing the button for the lobby.
The elevator soon opened and she stepped out onto the landing. She saw the guys waiting by the door and was seized with a sudden wave of fear. Maybe I shouldn’t go, she thought, but before she could run away Seunghyun saw her and held up a hand. Emily gave him what she hoped was a winning smile and began her careful descent down the stairs. Seunghyun nudged the others and they turned around, jaws dropping when they saw her. Emily felt embarrassed and tried to focus on not slipping.
She made it down without falling and silently gave thanks. The guys were all frozen, as if someone had just turned them to stone. “So,” Emily said, breaking the silence. “You all look nice.”

Seunghyun was the first to awaken, blinking rapidly. “Thanks. You look beautiful,” he said wonderingly. Emily smiled, clutching her purse tightly. “I’m not used to...this,” she said, gesturing at herself. “I’ll try not to embarrass you tonight.”

“If anyone embarrasses us, it’ll be Seungri,” Daesung said, finding his voice. Seungri tore his eyes off of Emily to scowl at Daesung. “Why is everybody-”

A bellboy waved at them, signalling the limo’s arrival. “Time to go,” Emily said, putting a hand on Seungri’s arm. He let it go, but not before giving Daesung one last dirty look. They walked out to the limo and climbed in, the guys letting Emily go first. “This is pretty exciting,” she said as the limo pulled away from the curb. “Anyone nervous?”

Youngbae shook his head. “Nah, we’ve done this before. It’s not a big deal.”

Emily glanced over at Jiyong, who was staring out the window, inscrutable behind his sunglasses. “Sure,” she agreed. “So what do I need to know?”

“When we get there it’ll be mostly interviews for a while,” Seunghyun explained. “Once we get inside we’ll mingle for a little bit before we head backstage. That’s when we’ll take our seats onstage and wait for the show to start. All you have to do is stay with us until then.”

“Oh, when we get up to perform, other artists will come sit in our seats,” Daesung interjected. “Just stay there until we come back. Everybody’s really nice, so you shouldn’t have any problems.”

“Just remember that there are cameras on you the whole time, so don’t do anything you don’t want the fans to see,” Youngbae said, smirking.

Emily’s head spun as she tried to assimilate everything. “I think I’ve got it,” she said tentatively.

“Just remember, this is supposed to be fun,” Seungri reminded her. “It’s okay to laugh, clap, enjoy the performances, whatever. You’re going to do great.”

The limo got in line outside the Asia-World Arena, where the red carpet was in full swing. Fans and photographers were lined up behind gates on either side, craning to get a glimpse of their favorite artists as they arrived. They slowly crept forward and Emily’s stomach knotted. If you can deal with cranky artists and a drug overdose, you can handle an award show, she told herself firmly.

They finally pulled up to the red carpet and the usher opened the door. Youngbae disembarked first, eliciting frenzied screams from the fans. Emily was last, poking her head out timidly. Seunghyun held out his hand and she took it gratefully, exiting the limo. With one fluid motion he tucked her arm in his and they began their walk down the red carpet.

Smile, Emily, for goodness sake! She summoned a smile, pretending it was just her and the guys walking down the street. An interviewer stopped Seunghyun and began asking him questions in fast-paced Korean, her voice clipped and professional. Emily stood there, pretending to understand as he answered. She caught the word “video” and nodded along. They continued their walk before being hailed by another interviewer, this time a man in a purple suit jacket.
“Gossip column, get ready,” Seunghyun murmured, approaching the interviewer. The man asked him something, gesturing at Emily. He’s asking about us, she realized, trying to hide her discomfort. Seunghyun gave a breezy reply, Emily catching the words “writer” and “friend”. The man turned to her like a cat to a mouse. “You’re writing about BIGBANG, miss?” he asked, holding the microphone out to her. She took a preparatory breath before answering. “Yes, I am,” she said, her voice stronger than she had expected.

“You give us all the juicy secrets, yes?”

Emily laughed. “If I do that, you won’t read the book!”

The man chuckled. “You’re funny!” He looked at Seunghyun. “Looks like you all very lucky,” he said, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

“Yes, thank you,” Seunghyun said, smoothly moving away from the prying interviewer. “Good job,” he whispered, waving at the fans with his free hand. “Make them laugh and they’ll accept you pretty fast.” Emily looked over at a group of girls frantically holding out pens and posters to Seunghyun. “Looks like your fans are calling,” she said, slipping her arm out from under his. “I’ll see you inside.”

They were fairly near the door at this point and Emily was able to get inside unnoticed. The lobby was full of people in dazzling clothes and she immediately felt suffocated. I’ve gotta find somewhere quiet, she thought desperately, trying to weave her way through the crowd. She remembered a secluded bathroom backstage and made her way there, showing her pass to the bouncer guarding the entrance.

Backstage was hectic with stagehands and managers busily finishing their preparations. Emily found the bathroom and closed the door with a sigh, the quiet a wonderful change from the insanity outside.

“Neodo?” someone said quietly. Emily jumped, looking up at the girl across the bathroom. “Joesonghabnida, hangug-eoga...johji...anhseubnida,” she replied haltingly, still stumbling over the words.

The girl nodded understandingly. “You...don’t happen to speak English, by any chance?” she asked. Emily perked up. “I do! Are you American? Your English doesn’t have much of an accent.”

The girl nodded excitedly. “Yes!” She crossed over and stuck out her hand. “I’m Amy.” Emily shook her hand. “Emily. Where are you from?”

“Denver. You?”

“Nashville.”

Amy smiled. “I always wanted to visit there! What brings you to Hong Kong?”

“I’m writing a book about BIGBANG,” Emily explained. “I moved to Seoul a few months ago to get to know the band.”

Amy’s eyes widened. “You’re Emily Carter!” she exclaimed. “I’ve heard about you! A lot of people were surprised by YG’s decision to hire you. Not that you’re a bad writer,” she added quickly, “it’s just an interesting concept, writing a book about a group. What’s it like?”

Emily shrugged. “It’s been pretty mundane,” she said, trying to not think about all of the craziness of the last few months. “The culture shock was pretty intense, but everyone’s been really nice and helpful.”

Amy rolled her eyes. “Tell me about it. I thought I was prepared, but moving here a couple years ago was still pretty hard. I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you.”

Emily smiled. “It’s not that bad. I’m grateful for how the guys have welcomed me into their lives. I couldn’t do this without their support.”

Amy’s phone buzzed and she pulled it out. “My manager’s looking for me,” she said, stowing it away again. “Maybe I’ll see you around?”

“I hope so,” Emily replied, smiling. Amy grinned at her and left, her heels clicking faintly.

I like her, she thought, sitting down near the door. Talking to Amy had made her think about home, and Emily felt a wave of homesickness hit her. She dug her phone out of her purse and dialed, tugging at her skirt while she waited.

“Hello?”

Emily smiled. “Hey Mom, it’s me. How are you and Dad?”

“Emily?” Her mom’s voice was heavy with sleep and Emily wanted to kick herself. “You were asleep, weren’t you? I’m sorry Mom, I forgot about the time difference.”

“It’s alright, I’m awake,” her mom said, her voice already sounding clearer. “Everyone’s fine here. Your brothers are on a hunting trip this weekend, so it’s just your sister and your dad with me at the house. What about you? Isn’t today the big show?”

Emily sighed. “Yeah, I’m actually at the arena right now.”

“What’s the matter? Did something happen?” her mom asked.

“No Mom, I’m fine, everything’s fine. I just...miss you guys.”

“Oh, we miss you too, honey. But we are so proud of you for sticking it out, even with that horrible man constantly berating you.”

Emily chuckled. “Jiyong actually apologized to me a few days ago. He’s been a lot different since…” Emily stopped, her carefully guarded secret on the tip of her tongue.

“Since when? Did you report him?”

“He just had a change of heart. Anyway, it’s been a lot better since then. They all surprised me and gave me some really nice gifts this afternoon, including an amazing dress for me to wear tonight. I’m even going to get to sit onstage with them in a little bit.”

“Onstage? Does that mean you’ll be on camera?”

Emily nodded. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“David!” her mom yelled. “Wake up! Emily’s going to be on Korean television in a few minutes!”

“Mom, it’s okay,” Emily said, alarmed. “You don’t have to…”

“My daughter is going to be on international television and I’m not missing it!” her mom said firmly. Emily sighed. “Just promise me you won’t watch the whole thing. It’s going to be several hours long, and I don’t want you losing any more sleep.”

“I’ll do whatever I please, thank you very much,” her mom replied. “How do we find you?”

Emily smiled in spite of herself. “Just go to the website. You should be able to stream it.”

“David! The website!” her mom yelled again. Emily heard murmuring in the background and knew her dad had finally given up on his sleep. “Mom, I probably won’t even be on that much…”

“Aren’t you supposed to be out there right now?” her mom asked.

“No, they’re just doing interviews. The show doesn’t officially begin for a couple of hours.”

“Then why aren’t you with your friends?”

Emily shifted uncomfortably. “I just got a little overwhelmed and needed some space.”

“Emily Carter, are you hiding in a bathroom?”

Emily grimaced. “Yes ma’am.”

“This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, sweetie! You can’t hide in the bathroom the whole time.”

“I wasn’t going to-”

“I’m not finished,” her mom interrupted. “This is your opportunity to show those boys and everyone else that you can rise to any occasion. Not to mention all of the connections you’ll make with other companies. You could be hired to write other books about other bands!”

Emily sighed. “I-”

“Not finished,” her mom said firmly. “Don’t cheat yourself of rare life experiences, Emily. You will never regret trying something, but you will always regret it if you don’t.”

Emily raised her eyebrows. “Don’t you say that to your patients?”

“Yes, because it’s good advice,” her mom said. “Now I’m going to hang up and you’re going to get out of that bathroom and have a wonderful evening.”

Emily sighed again. “Yes ma’am.”

“I love you.”

“Love you too.”

The call ended and Emily put her phone away. She summoned her courage and, after a quick mirror check, left the bathroom. She kept her mom’s words in mind as she reentered the crowd, trying to keep her face pleasant. The boys had finally made it in the doors and were chatting with each other.

“Where were you? You disappeared on us,” Youngbae said, relief evident on his face. Emily smiled brightly. “I had to take a phone call,” she replied. “This is pretty intense,” she said, gesturing to the madness around them.

“It’s always crazy at the beginning when everyone’s first getting here,” Seungri agreed. “Once we’re sitting down it’ll be better.”

A group Emily didn’t recognize passed by and several of the guys gave her an appreciative once-over. Emily looked away, feeling shy again.

“Looks like it’s already better,” Daesung teased, earning a smack from Jiyong. He jerked his head toward the doors. “Let’s head back,” he said, leading the way. They weaved through the crowd, going backstage again. They found their dressing room, all ready with their different performance costumes. The stylists were finishing their last touches as Jiyong inspected each outfit, nodding with approval. “Looks like everything’s here,” he said, turning back to the group. “We should do some more interviews, really talk up the album.”

“I’ll wait here until you’re done,” Emily volunteered. “I need to make notes anyway.”

The guys nodded and left the room, except for Jiyong, who hesitated on the threshold. “Is something wrong?” Emily asked, sitting down.

Jiyong shook his head. “I just wanted to say...you look nice,” he said quietly. He bolted before Emily could recover, blinking in surprise. This really is going to be a night to remember, she thought wonderingly.

Notes