Internally

There are some days when you feel so useless that you might as well sink into a hole in the floor and never return.

Today is one of those days.

“Morning,” I say to the receptionist as I arrive at work. I must say it so quietly because she barely notices me passing.

I take the stairs up several floors instead of the lift, plodding up them one step at a time. My camera is heavy around my neck – just another weight on my shoulders. A thought crosses my mind to go and find Kyung Hee, but I get the feeling she’s busy with the new makeup artist.

“What is it with her?” I mutter under my breath. “Hwa Nari...”

What have I even done to her? Nothing. At least, I’m pretty sure I haven’t done anything wrong. I just don’t understand where the cutting remarks come from, or her incessant need to put herself so far above me.

“Hi, Mina!” says Kyung Hee, in a rush like always, “Where’s your mom today?”

I pull the scowl off my face and put on a smile instead. “She’s not feeling too good so she’s resting before tomorrow,” I tell her.

“Ah,” says Kyung Hee.

“Oh, hi,” says Nari as she approaches, obviously having been following in Kyung Hee’s footsteps.

“Hi,” I reply, without much else to say to her.

“Nari, I actually need your help with something,” says Kyung Hee thoughtfully. “Come with me?”

“Sure, Kyung Hee,” says Nari with a sweet smile, “I’d be glad to help you out.”

“Great!” says Kyung Hee. “It’s kind of important, so we’d best get started right away.”

She makes a move to continue down the corridor with Nari at her heels. On impulse, I call out to stop her. There must be something I can do... can’t there?

“Do you need my help at all?” I ask hesitantly.

“No, no, don’t worry about that, Mina,” says Kyung Hee, “You just take a break, okay?”

“Okay... sure...”

Kyung Hee marches off at top speed to attend to whatever ‘really important’ thing she needs to do. Nari takes a step to follow her, but stops to turn back to me.

“Stop trying so hard,” she says. “Why can’t you just accept that no one wants you around?”

I don’t dare answer her, but I hold her gaze until she finally spins on her heel and saunters down the corridor. Then I finally look down and sigh.

“What have I even done to her?” I mumble, heading into the design hall anyway.

The large room seems empty without Mom’s presence. She’s been overworked recently, I can tell. She’s not used to such a demanding schedule and the stress that comes with it. She deserves the break she’s getting today.

But I’m perfectly capable to keep up with it. I can’t figure out why Kyung Hee doesn’t want me working. It just doesn’t make any sense. Sure, I was kind of sick before, but that doesn’t make me sick forever. I don’t get what’s up with her – or with Nari for that matter.

I sink into the depths of the couch in the design hall, tucking my knees close to my chest. I get out my camera and start taking photos from my current position, finding various different angles without even moving. I feel calmer when I’m with my camera, but my heart still feels just as heavy.

Suddenly, the door bursts open and a breathless Jungkook appears. In surprise, I accidentally hit the camera shutter just as he spots me and grins. I look up and raise my eyebrows at him.

“Can I help you?”

Jungkook just laughs. “Actually, you can,” he says. “I’m looking for the birthday ribbons? They’re usually in the storage cupboard.”

“I wouldn’t know,” I shrug, “But I guess I can help you find them.”

“Awesome,” says Jungkook, leading the way towards the store cupboard. He rummages through boxes high above my head, whilst I search the ones on the floor.

“Why are we looking for birthday banners?” I ask him, mid-search.

“You can’t tell anyone,” says Jungkook, “But we’re throwing a surprise party for Jin. It’s his birthday today.”

“Really? That’s really sweet of you guys,” I murmur. “Do you need any help setting up? My day is totally freed up.”

“That would be great, actually, Mina-ya,” says Jungkook, grinning again. “You know what? You’re invited to the party. All of the members will be happy to see you there.”

I chuckle nervously at that. “I don’t know, Jungkook,” I reply, “I don’t want to ruin anything.”

“You won’t!” Jungkook insists. “And anyway, you just said it yourself. You’ve got nothing to do today, so you’re coming. End of story.”

“Alright, you win,” I concede. “Where’s the party?”

“The practise room,” Jungkook answers. “Namjoon and Taehyung are going to distract Jin whilst we set up, and then we’ll surprise him.”

“Sounds like a plan,” I say, pulling that long-forgotten smile back onto my face. “I’m sure Jin will love it.”

“He’d better,” Jungkook grumbles, “We didn’t do all of this for nothing. Ah, the ribbons.”

He pulls out a cardboard box full of birthday ribbons, and leads the way back into the design hall. I grab my camera from where I left it on the couch, and we make our way down to the practise room, careful to make sure Jin doesn’t see us.

“Someone’s coming!” Jungkook hisses, backing around the corner, with one hand gripping the box and the other clamped over my mouth.

I prise his hand off to breathe, shaking my head at him. “Calm down,” I whisper, “It’s probably nobody.”

“What if it’s Jin?!” Jungkook demands, still trying his best to whisper.

“You’re lucky it’s not,” says the voice from around the corner. “Oh,” he adds upon seeing me, “It’s you.”

“Oh, Yoongi-hyung,” says Jungkook, breathing a heavy sigh of relief.

Suga looks at the two of us and rolls his eyes. In his hands is a small box, which I’m guessing contains a birthday cake. “You two couldn’t be any more obvious, could you?”

“Let’s just go,” says Jungkook, “Before Jin appears and spoils it all.”

Suga’s phone pings from his back pocket and he thrusts the cake box into my hands. “Hold that,” he says, getting out his phone.

“Who is it, hyung?” Jungkook asks, suddenly anxious for no apparent reason. It’s not like Jin can just appear whenever he wants.

“Namjoon,” says Suga, “He says he’s in the canteen eating with Jin now, so we’re all clear.”

“What about Taehyung?” Jungkook questions, “He was supposed to be with them.”

Suga just shrugs. “Namjoon didn’t say anything about that,” he says. “Let’s just go, shall we?”

Suga leads the way towards the practise room, with me hovering a pace behind him, wondering whether he wants his cake back or not. He just gave it to me to hold, right? So I should probably give it back.

“Did... did you want the cake?” I ask, staring down at the box in my hands.

“You can carry it for me,” Suga answers.

“Can’t you carry it yourself?” I question, still feeling slightly pissed off, “You’ve got both hands free.”

“I’m holding my phone,” Suga says with a shrug.

He’s being such a diva.

“You’re with Jungkook,” Suga states, whilst Jungkook is off in his own world several paces behind us.

“Yes,” I answer, narrowing my eyes.

“Not with Jimin?” he adds lightly.

“Not right now... no.”

What is he trying to say?

“Why?” I look over at him, but his eyes are dark in the shadow of his fringe. From the side, I can’t make out his expression at all.

“No reason.”

Inside, I want to scream. What is his game? He keeps on playing the Mr Mysterious card, and I can’t figure him out at all. Why ask about Jimin and Jungkook? That doesn’t even make sense.

“Right,” says Jungkook, snapping to attention as we reach the practise room, “Has Jin definitely gone?”

“Stop stressing,” says Suga as he opens the door, “Namjoon said they’re in the canteen, so we’re fine.”

“This is stressful!” Jungkook insists. “Last time was the worst. Mina-”

I cut him off with a warning glare. “So, what can I do for you guys?”

“Mina!” says Hoseok as we enter, grinning from ear to ear. He’s in the middle of lighting candles all the way around the edges of the room, so make it look extra cute when the lights go out.

“Hi,” I reply, smiling his way despite my current mood. Hoseok is the type of person who can make you smile whatever the situation.

“Can you help me with this, Mina?” Jimin asks, beckoning me over from the other side of the room.

“Sure,” I say, taking a seat and crossing my legs.

“It’s these balloons,” Jimin confesses, “I can blow them up, but tying them is really hard.”

He holds out one that’s already been inflated, and pouts at it in frustration.

“Give it to me,” I chuckle, carefully taking the balloon from his hand. My hands are even smaller than his, so I manage to tie a knot in the end without much hassle.

“Wow,” Jimin admires, “That’s amazing. How do you do it?”

A small laugh escapes me then. “They’re just balloons, Jimin,” I say. “Tell you what, you blow them up and I’ll tie them.”

“Okay!” Jimin exclaims in English, getting down to work.

Whilst tying party balloons, I glance over to where Jungkook is putting up birthday ribbons all around the room. Suga hands them to him, and he pins them up. For some reason, I catch Suga’s eye, and the glare that’s written across his face. So I glare back at him and continue to tie the balloons that Jimin hands to me.

“Hey, guys!” says Taehyung cheerfully from the doorway.

“You’re supposed to be on Team Distraction!” Jungkook accuses, literally pointing a finger at him.

“Yeah... sorry,” says Taehyung with a sheepish grin, “I kind of got distracted myself. Do you mind that I brought a guest?”

Taehyung’s ‘guest’ emerges from behind him. And to my surprise, it’s Eun Ha, in braids and dungarees.

I watch in curiosity as Jungkook frowns at them both, clicking his fingers as he thinks. “A guest,” he says slowly, “You failed the plan, Tae. But sure, she can come.”

“Guys, this is Eun Ha,” Taehyung introduces loudly.

“Mina!” Eun Ha smiles from the doorway. Taehyung, meanwhile, just looks confused.

“You know each other?” he questions as Eun Ha comes over to sit by me.

“We’re sort of friends,” Eun Ha explains. “Can I help with anything?”

Jimin looks at her with a very serious expression. “Can you tie balloons?” he asks, as if it’s a life or death situation.

Eun Ha laughs, and the sound seems to brighten up the entire room. “Of course I can!” she says.

“That’s a relief,” says Jimin, “But can you also blow them up? Mina’s tying them faster than I can say ‘nae pi ttam nunmul’.”

“No worries,” says Eun Ha, “Pass me the packet.”

So we all get to work, with Taehyung helping Hoseok with the candles. To be honest, I’m really impressed with all the effort they’ve gone to. And even though my week’s been awful, and I still feel like a useless addition to the Bangtan team, I’m glad I’m a part of it. I actually find myself genuinely smiling, which makes me smile even more.

Jin is going to love this.

And I’m brought back down to a new low.

Just when I thought I could get on with my day without any more hiccups, she comes in like a storm cloud, and it makes my heart sink to the bottom of my chest to just see her. I just don’t think I can take any more of her sharp words. It’s hard enough just with them echoing through my head. When they’re said out loud, it’s even worse.

“You’re having a party without me?”

Nari appears in the doorway, dressed in that mini-skirt-blouse ensemble and those heels of hers. Her smile is sweet, but the look that crosses her face upon seeing me is completely sour. It makes me grit my teeth.

“Oh, hi, Nari,” says Hoseok slowly, obviously not once having thought to invite her. He quickly amends his tone though, and the smile is back. “Aren’t you very busy today?”

“Not at all,” says Nari, “I’ve been working with Kyung Hee all morning, but when she told me you were throwing a party, I just had to come.”

“Ah, okay,” says Jungkook, slightly unsure of what to say.

“You guys didn’t invite me!” Nari accuses as if it’s all a joke.

Hoseok starts laughing and welcomes her inside. “The more the merrier!” he says, closing the door behind her.

“Do you need my help with any of this?” Nari asks. She spots Suga arranging candles on the birthday cake in the middle of the room, and immediately heads over. “Can I help you with that, Suga?”

I’m not sure why, but I’m filled with a sense of relief when she says the word ‘Suga’. If one day, she decides to call him Yoongi, I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Stop caring so much, Mina...

“Actually, I’m done,” says Suga shortly, putting in the last candle and moving the cake to the table by the wall.

“Oh, okay,” says Nari, as if nothing actually matters to her, “I can always help with anything else.”

Eun Ha leans over to whisper in my ear, “Is she the new makeup artist?”

I swallow and nod at her.

I don’t trust myself to say anything out loud. I’m just happy to avoid Nari’s remarks for a while. Even though her following Suga around gets on my nerves, I keep my distance and stay silent, staring at the nearest wall whilst absently tying balloons.

“Are you okay there?” Nari asks, obviously directed at me, “You look a little lost.”

She says it pleasantly, as if she’s concerned, but her eyes say, ‘You’re lost because you’re not supposed to be here, loser.’

“I’m fine,” I reply tightly, “Thank you very much for your concern.”

“Whoa,” says Nari, instantly offended, “I was just asking. I know you’re young and inexperienced. I’m just trying to look out for you, sister.”

She throws a ‘fighting!’ fist my way, but her expression is as sarcastic as it gets. She knows she’s older than me, that she’s capable and mature, and that her word is always above mine.
It’s so frustrating, because there’s no way I can win.

“Are you feeling okay, Mina?” Jimin asks in concern, catching my eye.

“Yeah,” I manage, pulling the smile back on, “I’m fine, honestly.”

My eyes sweep away from his to avoid any more questions, but they land on Suga’s instead. His eyes are focused on mine, his lips slightly parted, and his brows furrowed in the middle. I wonder what he’s thinking.

“Jin will be back any minute now,” Hoseok points out. “Let’s finish up and turn the lights off.”

He lights the last candle around the edges of the room, Jungkook pins up the final ribbon, and Jimin, Eun Ha and I pin up the last balloon in the packet. Suga’s poised with the lighter by the birthday candles, and Taehyung turns the lights off.

And then we wait.

It feels like ages that we wait for Jin and Namjoon, but that’s mostly because I can hear Nari trying to converse with the others, and giggling loudly at every single thing they say. And with every giggle, it’s like another knife in my back. She’s trying to get at me again, isn’t she? She knows I’m friendly with the members.

“He’s coming, he’s coming!” Jungkook hisses, hearing noise in the corridor outside.

So Nari finally shuts up. Suga lights the birthday candles as quickly as he can, and we wait a few seconds longer for Jin to open the door. And just as the handle turns and he steps inside, we all jump up and yell:

“Surprise!”

Jin visibly jumps and starts laughing as he realises what all of the secrecy was about. Namjoon claps his hands at the success, and we all start singing happy birthday. And unlike birthday parties in the States, where everyone picks their own pitch, we all manage to sing in key.

“Make a wish, hyung!” Jungkook yells as Suga comes over with the cake.

Jin mulls over what to wish for, as the candles slowly melt and the others’ patience withers. Eventually, he smiles and blows the candles out one by one.

“What did you wish for?” Nari asks, resting a hand on Suga’s shoulder. I’m not sure whether it’s intentional, but he quickly moves away to put the cake down.

“That’s a secret,” says Jin, tapping the side of his nose and laughing.

“Well,” says Nari, her gaze trailing after the cake, or Suga, but probably the cake, “I’m sure it’ll come true, oppa.”

There is a moment of silence after she says that dreaded word, and I swallow my objections. She’s not even close to them. She doesn’t get to call him oppa.

Taehyung jumps up to change the mood, and yells, “Turn up!”

No one’s really sure what to say to that, but Eun Ha just laughs and slaps his arm playfully. “Let’s get this party started,” she says brightly.

Namjoon sneakily slips over to the speakers and within moments Twice’s ‘Cheer Up’ is blaring out of them. Eun Ha dances with Taehyung, Hoseok and Jimin start some sort of dance-off, and Suga cuts slices of cake. The party gets going, and pretty much everyone seems to be enjoying themselves. Except me.

“Aren’t you having fun, Mina?” Nari asks as she approaches me.

“Just go and dance, Nari,” I sigh.

“You should probably just leave,” Nari suggests, “No one will care. Go back to whichever dumb country you came from. I’m going to stay and enjoy the party.”

I clench my teeth because I don’t trust myself to say anything else to her.

“You know,” says Nari thoughtfully, “I should probably take loads of selcas today, since the members and I are getting really close. Don’t go anywhere – you can watch.”

She cuts the music and gains the attention of everyone in the room.

“One second!” says Nari loudly, “Let me get my phone!”

She smiles and hurries out of the room, determined that the party doesn’t continue without her. Now would be the perfect opportunity to leave, but all of the members would see me. Knowing them, they’d probably ask what was wrong, and I won’t be able to answer.

“Nari’s pretty nice, isn’t she?” says Hoseok to no one in particular.

“She’s pretty,” Jungkook laughs.

“She was really helpful today, though,” says Jimin.

“She’s a good makeup artist,” Namjoon muses.

I stay frozen to the spot, wanting to interrupt, but not having the will power to. How can they think so highly of her? I wish they could see what she’s really like, but I can’t say anything. Nari has the upper hand, and I can’t do anything about it.

“I’m back!” Nari announces as she returns, breathless. “What have you guys been talking about?”

Jungkook scratches the back of his neck and laughs awkwardly. “Nothing much,” he says.

“Good,” says Nari, “I wouldn’t want to have missed anything.”

My hand twitches for my camera on the table beside me for some source of comfort, but it’s too far to reach from where I’m standing. Maybe if she’s distracted, I can slip out unnoticed and nobody will ask any questions. Sure, I won’t have solved any problems for myself, but at least I’ll be avoiding them.

But then she looks over my way, and I know I can’t take anything more she has to say.

“Why are you all alone over there, Mina?” Nari asks, turning all of the attention on me, “Hasn’t anyone noticed you?”

And that was it. The final straw.

With all eyes on me, I can feel the tears blurring my vision, threatening to spill any second. I can’t let them see me cry, Nari least of all. If she does, she’s won. There’s a split second in which I have absolutely no idea what to do next. Nari looks at me as if to say, ‘your move’, but I don’t know what move comes next.

So, with no other options and my throat choking up, I run to the door and leave as fast as is humanely possible. I don’t know where I end up, but I just keep going to anywhere that isn’t the practise room. When my face is stained with tears and I can’t keep in the sobs anymore, my hands fumble with a door handle and I stumble inside. My back is against a wall, and my knees are tucked to my chest, arms wrapped around them.

And then I cry.

Crying is a horrible feeling. It’s not just sadness – it’s also hopelessness and despair mixed in too. I’m not usually one to cry, but it seems that’s changed. Too many foundation blocks in my life have been taken from beneath my feet, and it’s left me defenceless.

And suddenly there’s an arm around my shoulders and I don’t care whose it is because I’m crying into his chest and it’s comforting. In this kind of state of mind, I can barely register anything anyway, and the tears don’t stop. Between sobs I breathe in the smell of his shirt, and it smells of Americanos and birthday candles.

The crying eventually subsides and I take large gulps of air until I’m breathing normally. I rub at my eyes, knowing it will only make them redder, and wipe the tears from my cheeks. Someone hands me a tissue box and I blow my nose heavily. I’m always such an ugly crier. My nose always runs like a tap.

And then I realise I’m still in the arms of Tissue Man, and I quickly inch away. Is it one of the members? Through still blurry eyes and the darkness of the room, I squint to decide his identity. And boy am I surprised.

It can’t be him. He’s the least likely person to be in this situation. Why is he here? Why does he care? Why would he even know the real reason I’ve gone crazy?

I throw the box of tissues at him to make sure he’s really there. He flinches and mutters his complaints.

It’s really him.

The guy that comforted me when I cried... is him.

“You shouldn’t throw things at people. It’s rude.”

I stare at him, glad the darkness is hiding my surprise.

“...Suga?”

Notes

Hey guys!
I finished this today and I really wanted to upload it! I hope you enjoyed and are looking forward to what happens next :)
Also, I'm writing chapter 14 right now, and could use some suggestions for what you think should happen. Leave me a comment if you can!
Love you all <3
asterisk xx