Internally

Later, Mom suggests we go home early to get more sleep since there’s another stage tomorrow. I take her advice and head out, especially to narrowly avoid a chance meeting with Kyung Hee and that new girl – Nari. Like, I don’t need to feel any worse about myself.

When we get back into our apartment, Mom says, “Don’t stay up on the internet, Mina. Get some sleep, okay?”

I nod and smile at her and go to my room. Who is she kidding? I am the queen of wasting time on the internet. I flop down on my bed, reaching for the open laptop that’s gone to sleep. The screen flashes on, revealing my last YouTube search.

Okay, but I have a legitimate reason that I was watching the music video for Blood Sweat and Tears. I literally work for them. I’m not a fan... obviously.

“It’s not that weird,” I mutter to myself.

I scroll down the recommended videos and one in particular catches my eye. Naturally, my hand slips and I click on the video. It starts playing – a music video with a catchy beat.

EXO... Lotto...?

Wow... I find myself being drawn into the imagery and the music and the storyline of the music video. It was, obviously, also filmed very well. The members are all really good dancers... and that guy – damn, his eye makeup is on point.

EXO? Who are they?

Another video comes up next – one called Call Me Baby. So I watch that too. Then one called Overdose. My eyes widen at the view count. Over 125 million views? These guys must be really famous. I watch intently until the end of the video. The guy in verse two, I note, is actually really cute. His pink hair...

The next video to come up is called Growl, which I think is technically some sort of school concept. And man – Growl is such a jam. I can’t stop humming the melody, and I keep doing it without noticing.

I trawl my way through every other music video of theirs that exists. I watch interviews, clips from variety shows – everything I can manage to find. Is this obsessive? Totally not...

And suddenly it’s 1AM.

“And there’s a stage tomorrow,” I groan, knowing how groggy I’ll be come tomorrow morning.

So the last thing I do before going to sleep is downloading EXO’s most recent album called EX’ACT, and also the GROWL repackage. I want to download the OVERDOSE mini-album and the CALL ME BABY album too, but my phone is running out of storage space. I leave them to download, roll over, and go to sleep.

“Morning, Mina,” says Kyung Hee the following day when I come into the venue bright and early.

Before she can even ask, I say, “A latte? Coming right up!”

And with an earphone in one ear, I head to the coffee machine, my head nodding in time to Growl. It is way too catchy, but I can’t stop listening to it. I fetch Kyung Hee’s coffee with a smile on my face, happy to have found a new obsession.

It’s not an obsession, Mina. But... it really is.

“Get me one,” says the voice behind me. I know it’s Suga, but my mood is too high to be brought down by anything he’s got to say.

I put the lid on Kyung Hee’s coffee and step aside. “The machine is free,” I say.

Something that looks like confusion flashes across his eyes. Then he says, “Can’t you do it for me?”

“I’m sure you can do it yourself,” I tell him, “You’re not a child.” I smile at him and pat his shoulder with my free hand as I pass.

“What’s got you in such a good mood?” Suga calls.

“Nothing,” I say cheerfully, putting a little skip into my step as I continue down the corridor, muttering ‘na eureureong eureureong eureureong dae’ under my breath.

“Ah, Mina,” says Kyung Hee as I enter the dressing room, “Did you get-”

“Right here,” I say with a smile, putting the coffee cup into her hands. “What else can I do?”

Kyung Hee takes a moment to check her schedule, whilst I watch one makeup artist apply Hoseok’s eye makeup, Growl still echoing in one ear. It’s like nothing can bring down this high, no matter what job Kyung Hee gives me.

But then something does.

“Sorry to be a bother,” says the new makeup artist Nari with her perfect pronunciation, “But would you mind getting me a coffee too?” She smiles sweetly at me, but to me, the smile is sickening.

I’m not entirely sure why.

“That’s a good idea, actually,” says Kyung Hee, “You’ll be doing Suga’s makeup after Jimin, right, Nari? He should be in any time now.”

“Yeah, that would be really helpful. Jungkook, V and Jin are already done so there’s only Rap Mon, Jimin, J-Hope and Suga to go,” says Nari.

Then she turns to me, as if she’s waiting for me to carry out her request.

“Ah, coffee, sure,” I mumble.

“Thank you so much...” Nari trails off, “... I’m sorry; I’ve forgotten your name.” She gives that apologetic half-smile.

“Mina,” I say shortly.

Is it that hard to remember? She managed an entire kpop group, for goodness sake, and even that’s not difficult. Xiumin, Lay, D.O, Chen, Baekhyun, Chanyeol, Suho, Sehun, Kai...

Because I totally haven’t learnt the names of every member in EXO overnight... Not at all...

But really – is it that hard to add one name to the list to learn?

She coughs and I leave to get her coffee. That one earphone falls out of my ear and my mood is dampened. Maybe it was just her honest mistake. Maybe she’s not as bad as I think she is. Maybe I’m overreacting and I should stop comparing myself to her.

Maybe... I should just go back to the States.

“You really need to stop thinking like that, Mina,” I mutter to myself.

“Stop thinking like what?” asks a voice from just in front of me.

I almost trip over my feet as I come to a stop. It’s that rookie solo artist that I’ve managed to run into a few times... Eun Ha. At least I’ve managed to learn her name. She’s all kitted up, looking gorgeous as ever. At least she seems like an honest person though.

“Oh, um, nothing,” I ramble, “I was just thinking.”

She smiles kindly like an older sister would. “Well, I have a few minutes before my dress run,” she says, shrugging her shoulders.

I scoff slightly, embarrassed even by how dumb my problems sound to my own ears. “It’s nothing,” I tell her.

“If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine too,” says Eun Ha easily, “I’m just a bit nosey. But seriously, if it’s about boys, I totally have to hear it.”

I chuckle slightly at that. As if there are any boys on my radar. “Nope,” I say, “No boys. It’s just me over thinking things, I think.”

Eun Ha nods. “You know, we’ve met a few times now, Mina, and I still don’t really know you properly,” she says. “I mean, I know I’m supposed to be an idol, but I don’t really have any friends who were trainees with me, since I debuted pretty quickly.”

I raise my eyebrows at her, having completely forgotten about coffee. “You’d want to be friends with me?” I ask in disbelief.

Eun Ha scratches the back of her neck and laughs. “Why not?” she reasons. “Sorry if it’s a bit random, I guess I am kind of awkward.”

“At least we’ve got one thing in common,” I remark, which sets us both laughing again.

“Ooh, what are you listening-” Eun Ha begins, but is cut off by a shout from down the corridor. “Ah, sorry, I have to go – dress run. But we’re friends now, yeah?”

I nod at her and she grins as she passes me on her way towards the stage.

Did I actually just make an actual friend?

“Ah, coffee – right,” I remind myself, continuing on my way back to the coffee machine.

Nari didn’t specify what coffee she wanted. I shrug my shoulders and get her a latte. While the cup is filling up, I find myself drifting into my thoughts – which are mainly about EXO.

I finally understand how all the BTS fans feel... at least I think. And the whole bias thing – I didn’t really understand it. Who would my EXO bias be? I cast my mind back to the first videos I watched, and I smile. Your bias is your favourite member, right? I suppose Xiumin would be mine.

The coffee machine beeps and I jump. I finish up preparing the coffee as quickly as I can, since I’ve loitered enough, and head back to the waiting room to spill- I mean give it to Nari.

By the time I get back, though, it seems Nari has forgotten about her order. I watch with distaste as she does Suga’s makeup, whilst fawning over him and his looks. Honestly, he’s not even that attractive. I mean... he’s not particularly attractive. I bite my lip as I look at his reflection in the mirror.

What are you thinking, Mina!? He’s neither hot, nor cute, only irritating.

“You wanted a coffee?” I say quietly.

Nari jumps, though I didn’t even speak that loudly. She acts as if I seriously scared her, and I can’t tell whether this is her personality or just a show.

“You took so long that I forgot about it!” she declares with a giggle.

“Sorry,” I mutter, trying to keep the dry edge out of my voice.

“You know,” says Nari, “I’m not really in the mood for coffee anymore. Did you want it, Suga?”

At least she’s still calling him Suga. If she could call him Yoongi and I couldn’t- Hang on, why does it even matter to you, you idiot. You don’t care about Suga, remember?

Despite my conflicting thoughts, I still grit my teeth.

“I’ve already had a coffee this morning,” Suga states. He meets my eyes in the mirror and I turn away.

“Was there anything else, Kyung Hee?” I ask, trying to distract myself from the confusing situation at hand.

“You can just take a break, Mina,” says Kyung Hee, “You’ve been sick recently and I don’t want to overwork you.”

“But-”

“It’s fine, we’ve got Nari, so don’t you worry!”

Ouch.

So I take a seat on the couch in the corner and get out my phone. I play Wolf through my headphones, and wonder where this internship will actually take my career. At least EXO seems to cheer me up a little, greeting me with a chogiwa...

Ping!

I sigh at the thought of an incoming text. If it’s from Dad, I don’t want to read it. In fact, I don’t even want to know whether it is from Dad or not. I’m so done with him trying to piece together a situation that can’t be fixed.

But it’s not Dad at all. It’s from Jace – my next-door-neighbour and brother slash best friend. He’s not really my brother, of course, since I have no siblings, but he was just like one back in the States.

“So now you decide to text me,” I murmur, “After almost a month, you douche.”

However, the content of the text changes my initial opinion of him. Not to mention the fact that the message is ridiculously long. Maybe he hasn’t changed, even when everything else has.

To Mina,
Sorry if this text makes you mad, and that you’ll never reply because it’s been WEEKS, but at least hear me out. I wanted to call you so bad but I didn’t. I know how hard it’s been for you since your parents’ split and I wanted you to settle down over in Korea before I came along to mess things up again. Hopefully things are going well for you now, and you’re happy. As well as all of that, I’ve been really busy with college exams too. Wish me luck so that I’ll do well in them! Cross your fingers and I’ll be graduating in a few years :)

I hope you’re not really mad at me, because if you are then you broke our ‘never stay mad’ promise. Yes, we made it when we were four, but that’s beside the point. Text me back soon, or call me any time, or anything. I just want to hear from you, to make sure you’re doing okay. It must be really weird to be speaking a different language all the time, without all our trusty American slang haha. I know there’s a huge time difference between here and there but whenever it’s okay for you, just call me. Even if I’ve been having a nice sleep and you call, I’ll still answer. I’m kind of worried about you, Meanie, so let me know you’re okay and I’ll stop bothering your new fun life.

Anyway, this took me way too long to type, so I’ll say bye now. With luck, I’ll see you as soon as I possibly can,
Jace

I read the text at least three times before I take it all in. He did care. He still does. He hasn’t forgotten our friendship just because I’m thousands of miles away in a different country that he doesn’t know much about. It fills me with such a sense of relief.

And I can’t stop grinning at the screen.

I let my gaze wander upwards as the words of the text still ring through my mind. Jimin is directly opposite me across the room, also on his phone. I pan the rest of the room, until my eyes lock with Suga’s.

Was he staring at me all this time?

I quickly glance away, ignoring his confused frown. He’s probably found another flaw of mine that disgusts him. I watch, mute to the world, as Nari finishes his makeup and the members leave the room one by one.

I continue on my journey through the GROWL repackage album, wondering whether anyone will actually need me again today. Kyung Hee will probably ask for another coffee. The room is empty now; even the makeup artists have all left to follow the boys to the stage.

“It’s not like it’s an actual job anyway,” I mutter to myself ruefully.

It’s not like it even matters...

I don’t keep track of the time, so I’m not sure how long it’s been when Nari comes back in to fetch some more supplies. I assume that the members have done their dress run, and are waiting for the show to start. Nari goes straight to her makeup supplies, so I pretend not to have noticed her, looking down at my phone.

But that plan never works.

“Are you still here?” Nari asks. “If you’re not doing anything, you might as well go home.”

I leave my earphones in and pretend not to have heard her. I don’t feel like discussing my job, or whether I’m competent at it, or if I’m even necessary anymore. And I especially don’t feel like discussing it with her.

But she comes over and helpfully yanks my earphones out. “I’m talking to you,” she states.

I am aware...

I put on a smile and the most innocent expression I can muster. “Sorry,” I say, “I didn’t hear you.”

She doesn’t believe that for a second, I can tell. “I was just saying that you might as well go home. It’s not like anyone needs you, so you don’t need to be here.”

She says it sweetly, like she cares about my health or something, but I feel the silent digs that come with it. I knew she wasn’t as nice as everyone thinks she is. Sure, she’s pretty and good at her job, but she’s a right nasty piece of work. I can tell and I’ve barely carried a conversation with her.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business,” I tell her, still smiling. “I don’t want to trouble you any further, so please do go back to whatever you were doing.”

Yes, my pronunciation is off as always, but I think she gets the point I’m trying to make.

“Hey,” Nari says, pointing at me with one finger, “I just want you to remember one thing. You don’t have the right to talk to me like that, okay?”

“I wasn’t trying to offend you,” I tell her, determined to stay in the right.

“Well you did,” she snaps. “Just remember that I’m better than you, and you’re nothing. So go home, because you’re not needed here.”

She moves to resume her previous task, just as one of the members walks in. Suga brushes down his jacket, eyes narrowed as he enters.

“Oh, hi, Suga!” says Nari, positively beaming again as she turns to him.

Honestly, it makes me sick.

He doesn’t respond to her. Instead, to my surprise, he looks at me with an expression that I can’t quite make out.

“Did you want something?” I ask him quietly, feeling somewhat subdued. I clutch my phone with both hands.

“You have nothing to do?” he says, his eyebrows twitching slightly.

“Um...” I trail off, wondering what on earth he wants.

“Then you can do something for me,” says Suga. His eyes don’t leave mine for a second, and it makes me slightly nervous.

“Actually, she-” Nari begins.

Suga silences her with one look. “Kyung Hee said she needs you,” he tells her.

When she doesn’t move, he adds, “I would go right away if I were you.”

Nari swallows, grabs her makeup supplies, and leaves the room. The scowl on her face is somehow satisfying.

I turn back to Suga and give a long sigh. “Well?” I ask.

He takes a long time to answer, slowly crossing the room to get his phone. When he reaches me again, he finally says, “Well what?”

I clench my jaw. It’s not him who’s particularly getting on my nerves – Nari is. But he’s not exactly making it any better either.

“What do you want?” I ask him, already frustrated.

“Oh... that.”

I can’t tell whether he’s thinking over his request, or coming up with a new one. He takes his time to answer again, which sets me on edge.

“...Songpyeon.”

In my head, I’m trying to figure out what that word means, and whether it really is a word. He knows my vocabulary limitations. Would he try and trick me? I’m not sure.

So I just say, “I’m sorry?”

The tiniest chuckle escapes his lips then. “You don’t know songpyeon?”

“I’ve been in Korea for a month, Suga.”

“You should study better,” he tells me.

“What do you even want?” I give a long sigh, getting more annoyed with every twist and turn.

“I want songpyeon,” he states. “Go to the canteen and fetch me some.”

I raise an eyebrow at him. “Get it yourself.”

The smile falls from his face then and he becomes serious. “Or would you rather go home?” he asks.

“What?”

“Just go and get it,” he says quickly. “I have to perform in thirty minutes so hurry up.”

I stick my phone in the back pocket of my jeans and make for the door. “Why are you so confusing?” I mutter under my breath.

He wasn’t supposed to hear that, but I swear I hear him chuckling again as I leave the room.
By the time I get back from the canteen, I’m practically fuming. I was trying to find this songpyeon thing, since this is supposed to be my job, but Suga was being ridiculous. As it turns out, songpyeon is a type of rice cake traditionally eaten and shared during Chuseok. And Chuseok was in September. The canteen had sent me away saying that they didn’t have any, and basically implying that I’m crazy and I don’t know anything.

Maybe they could tell I’m foreign.

But all in all, today has been a pretty terrible start to November. I go home again, forgetting to reply to Jace, and sink into bed before another awful day.

There’s another stage the following day, and the day plays out much like the one before. I fetch coffee, Nari rejects the one I offer her, and Suga rejects the one she offers him. It feels sort of like déjà vu. Again, Kyung Hee insists that I ‘take it easy’, and I’m left with nothing to do but watch EXO videos on YouTube on my dwindling data usage. I brought my camera today, but I don’t get a chance to use it.

I hate it but I endure several more of Nari’s remarks. I don’t know what her problem is. What have I done to her? But apparently I’m nothing, I’m worthless, and I don’t even deserve to be here.

Strangely enough, Suga sends me on another bizarre errand, from which I return empty handed. He says it’s okay and that it doesn’t matter, but I’m still just as confused.

“Stop sending me to get things that don’t exist, okay?” I tell him, shaking my head.

Suga scoffs and takes a step closer. “You should be grateful that someone’s trying to save-”

He cuts himself off and I frown. “Save what?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing. Just go and find something to do.”

Though I’ve said it before, my evaluation of Suga remains the same. He’s confusing as heck.

Notes

Hey guys!
I hope you're enjoying the story so far. For me, it feels quite slow going but I realised that a lot of important stuff does happen each chapter. And don't worry, I'm slowing working my way up to even more drama, so stay tuned!
If you have a minute, please leave a comment below. Who's your BTS bias? Which character is your favourite in this story? What do you want to happen next? I love reading your feedback as it is really helpful <3
The next chapter will be up soon, and it's gonna be a big one :)
asterisk xx