Gratefulness~ pt.5

The next morning I wake up crouched against the opposite sofa, leaning on my elbows. Salty tears have dried on my cheeks. I remember the dream that started suddenly and now I'm scared of it. I feel that I can't control my mind or my body anymore. And I remember the call that I made. I can not just leave and let it be like this. I call Joakim again. And again. And after the fifth call I give up, and accept that I have lost him for forever. He won't listen to me and I totally understand him. I just wished he would have answered once and let me apologize even he wouldn't have said a word back.

"So what did she say?"
"Huh?" I wake up from my thoughts into the reality, almost dropping the smoothie.
I'm sitting at a cafe with Cecily. It's fully crowded like usually at lunch time. We chose the farthest corner behind the flower-decorated wall because last time some of my fans didn't want to leave me alone. They weren't rude at all, no. They were just too surprised to see me at their favorite place and kept an eye on my all the time. I'm just not yet used to that. I don't know how to act around fans.
"Oh, the psychiatrist. Yes," I look back down at the drink called Yellow Vitamin Booster. It isn't even yellow, it's green. "She said that I'm not crazy."
"See. I told you so," Cecily smiles and pats my shoulder. "So what else did she say? What was the reason you saw his ghost?" she leans on her elbows and makes spooky noises.
I frown a bit upset.
"Don't say that he's a ghost. It's not like he's dead," I mutter silently, moving the straw in the drink.
"Sorry. That's right... It was a bad joke. A hallusination then."
"She said," I look outside of the window where a food car is just parking by the side door, delivering something. Women are running with their skirts and high heels on and men have dressed in fine suits, not forgetting about all the calls that are taking place. I turn to look back at the drink of mine.
"I just have so much stress. It's normal for some people to see hallusinations."
But that's not exactly what the psychiatrist had told me. She revealed the thing I've been trying to keep low-key, that I miss Ji too much. And propably the whole group belonging into my hallusination was just a reminder of my memories, the way I met them all and maybe also how I want to see them all together again and spend time with them as a group. It's true. The Finnish forest too, a sign that I miss my home.
"Ah," she nods. "Maybe you should do something fun to get rid of those. You have a free day tomorrow, right? It's Sunday."
"Yeah," I sigh. For me it's just another day without him.

I don't know how and when my longing became so strong. I should be strong enough to manage a few months by my own. I promised myself to. I have managed without men for the most of my life. Joakim was the only exception, and back then I thought that he was also the last one. Maybe it should have been. There's so many bad things included in dating and missing him is the worst one.
But now that I come to think about it, it's not just because he's whom I'm with that why I miss him. He's the one who helps me with everything, he tells me what to do and how to do it to do it the best way I can. His advice maybe counts even more than for example YG's or anyone else's because of how much I respect him, all that he's been through during his journey into the icon he is today.
I wouldn't have gotten a secured future without Ji Yong. BaBo is right about that although she doesn't know everything. I mean, I met BIGBANG because Young Bae wanted his shirt back. But I spent the night on the bathroom floor and woke up and took a shower in their hotel room because of Ji. Otherwise, I would propably just have left during that evening. If he didn't need me. I smile at the memory and lay down on the sofa. It's so dark outside.
I had so much fun back then. We went driving on the highway that was build so high, I had never seen anything like it. And he held my hand when we ran from the night club while the photographers went crazy and the next day the first rumours about us went viral. Only now I wonder how Kiko felt when she read about it.

I cringe. It felt so wrong afterwards. There's a constant war going on in my mind. Is this right? Or is this wrong?
I'm starting to think that I might be bi-polar. At one moment I'm happier than I could ever be to live a life like this with such a dreamy man, and at another moment I feel like I should escape from it and leave everyone and everything behind, forget that I once felt like I deserved it. But something keeps me still. Is it love? I don't know. Is it because I'm scared? I'm not sure. Maybe I have to ask questions from myself.
Why am I still here? Hmm... Because I love the work that I do. And I love it at YG's. It couldn't be any other entertainment company. And I love this city and the culture. I love Korea, there's nothing that disturbs me. There's just so much going on and so many new things happening to me. I'm just a kid, still. And I was basically thrown into this new world. Well, it actually was my own choice but I don't regret it. The other trainees have known what they have wanted to do since they were still playing with dolls. But I was dropped here, unprepared. It's not that I'm scared... Or maybe I am, a bit.
But what am I scared of then? That everything will end suddenly. That would be my short answer. That the new things I have only recently started to love will leave me. It's the same fear I had to face after the hard broke-up I went through. I never thought it would control my life and my mind so long into the future, especially for this long time. I'm actually very afraid. Everything can end in a second. Ji may say that this won't work anymore between us or YG can take back his word at anytime and then I'm left with nothing. I came so quickly that I might just leave as quickly if I don't feel like fighting. I just may not have admitted it before. And it's a bit because I love him so much and I miss him and I should focus on working hard. I should be able to work hard. But will I ever be? Why do I keep repeating these things over and over again? Why is it bothering me day after day? I hate this.

Notes