Gratefulness~ pt.5

I walk to my boyfriend's apartment and spend my night there, cuddling with the pillows that still carry his scent like my life depended on it. On a piece, a single memory of him.

And when the morning sun climbs up above the sky, I wake up in his bed, make tea in his kitchen and enjoy it in the livingroom he last time showed me the star he wanted to buy me. But right now it's too bright outside and the stars aren't visible. But at the nightime, I always feel safe looking at that star and I believe that somehow it's guarding me. And I hope that when the silver moon shows up behind the sheer clouds, he searches it from the night sky too and wishes me good night, imagines himself tucking me in bed.

I get through my Friday schedules, which are the same as always: sing, dance, rap, dance, study. I work like a robot. And when the day is wrapped up, I collect my stuff and get a taxi back to his apartment, not even looking at the direction where the dormitory is situated. I don't want to go back there where it stresses me even more. When I already feel like I can't take it any longer.
And my dear Taeyang calls me to ask how I'm doing today, apologizing for the last time we saw each other, although he shouldn't. It was my own mistake and I still can't believe how I flipped like that. We would plan something fun to do but I know how crazy my schedules are going to be and I explain to him that I still have got a lot to learn, meaning I have a member to deal with. And I thank him for caring about me because there really is only a few people in this world right now who have enough time to do that. I appreciate it. I really do.

After staring at the empty walls, time dripping through my fingers, the silence becomes too loud and I feel an urge to contact someone from Finland. I read the names in my contact list out loud, stopping at the name of my ex. A cold wave rushes through my body. I still have unfinished business with him. I ran away from him. I don't even know when it will turn out differently, when will everyone start running away from me instead. And I'm scared also. I shiver even when I'm wrapped in Ji Yong's soft and silky blanket, on his bed that is not too big for a lonely person but could also fit in two if there were so many to begin with. My finger moves haltingly over my ex's name. Should I? I really want to... Desperate times make people act silly and I really don't care right now. I just call him without thinking too long. And I wait nervously. I don't believe that he would actually want to pick up but what if he does? Would he be happy to hear from me? Would he yell at me, make me apologize for the times he missed me? Would he want me to come back? Would he still love me? I take the phone off my ear and look at his name again and then at the green cell phone icon. The monotonic ringing sound keeps on trying to reach his line. I press the screen back against my ear.
"Answer me... Please," my silent whisper echoes. "You were such a good friend to me."
And as I wait, I stare at my own reflection from the window against the dark cityscape. I see all the places I still haven't been to. I have been so stuck in the headquarters, I haven't had time to explore and it feels like I should have. And I also glance at the star I missed in the morning. But no, my ex won't pick up. The honking sound comes out of the speakers and I sigh out loud. I should have known. He's not that stupid.

But I still can't help staring at his name. Joakim. I used to have a heart after his name before but not anymore... The phone slips from my hand and crashes against the wooden floor, screaming for help as it scratches the surface. Grass is growing out of the floor, out of the ground more likely. I'm staring at a single spot off green but when I look up, there's a whole forest. A Finnish forest, growing wildly around me. And I see a path. Suddenly there's Taeyang, dressed up so fashionably although he's carrying a huge backpack, just like the other members who are walking way ahead of us.
"Here, take my hand," he says and I trust him enough to grab his hand and he helps me over an obstacle. When we have walked a couple of meters forward, there's a slimy rock ahead and Tae loses his balance when stepping on it. He falls on his back on the harp rock and I can literally hear somehing breaking. I cringe. He closes his eyes but still stays in his senses, calmly asking for help like it wasn't a big deal at all.
"Minea, Minea..." he coughs blood.
"Boys! Boys!!" I scream in shock. "Boys! Taeyang fell! Come and help me! Now!!"
And before the others even get back along the path, I turn Tae on his side so he gets to breath more freely.
"Thanks," he says, with his most peaceful tone, and I'm not sure if he does it because he doesn't want to give me a panic attack or if he's already running in the greener fields or what.
I tell the boys to go and get something warm to wrap around him. And Seungri, Daesung and TOP all jump off the path to the woods, heading everywhere recklessly and leaving me wondering what they are ever going to find from there. We are in the middle of nowhere.
Ji crouches down near me and when I change my position to sitting down on the ground comfortably, the caps of our snapbacks touch each other, suddenly creating a slow motion magical moment between us. He smiles happily at me, smirks a bit too. I blush immediately. How embarrassing...
And this short magical moment that for me feels like an eternity when his chocolate brown eyes look deeply into mine with a feeling that is so genuine and strong. And the moment lasts and lasts and lasts, until I feel too embarrassed to continue staring at him but instead I utter an akward laughter and decide to take an advantage of the situation.
"You should take me to a fashion show sometime." Ji nods once and stares into my eyes again which is so disturbing but pleasant at the same time it kills me.
"And, of course, I can go in later than you and sit on the other side of the venue, so that the press won't be like- Flash flash!" I start taking pictures with my invisible camera.
"Yeah," Ji Yong laughs at my acting skills, agreeing with a sigh of relief that we're on the same page about the thing.
"That I betrayed my wife. What kind of a girl is that?" he adds to my words and I nod.
"Yeah. Exactly..."

Notes

I'm trying to post every or every other Monday depending on how I got time and where I am atm :)
-----------------------------------------

Teaser for chapter 7