Gratefulness~ pt.5

It's a calm but cold morning to do my morning run which is around ten kilometers at the moment. I have always been quite sporty so I started lengthening the route from eight kilometers and that's also what my personal trainer recommended. He said that twelve would be pretty much the ideal and it, to be honest, makes me feel a little bit sick. Especially when some idols run it without having eaten anything beforehand, they just get up in the morning and put on their running shoes and get going. That's crazy. I don't shout about it but I do have my energy drink to be able to have just enough energy for a long run and then there's no need to pass out at the breakfast table. And I definitely don't run every day but I'm trying to increase the amount of running days now on. Because I just want to do my part, and to be the best. I am a perfectionist. I got to admit that.

The new dorm is bigger although there lives only three people. Maybe it's just meant for groups and the trainees to get a slightly smaller place. Or maybe not, I don't know. But I even have my own clothing room linked to my room now. It's not a big one but it's still a clothing room which is cool. I have my small shoe stand and jewellery stand and a few shelves for my clothes. And I still got some space for new pieces of clothing and that's of course a plus.
When I get my beauty products from my little makeup bag and open the door, I'm more careful than ever. I don't want Bu Bae Kwan to be the first thing I get to see in the morning and fortunately she isn't. I guess she's still sleeping her anger off. Instead, I face piles and piles of brown cardboard boxes all over the floor and tables. We still have a lot to do here but I don't know how we will get the dorm decorated if we won't work together... It would be nice to have a beautiful place to stay in.

On my way to the teaser photoshoots, that is taking place in a studio, I get a text from Young Bae asking me if I would like to join him and Seungri for a late dinner today and I answer yes because it's always fun to spend time with them and every single time I get contacted by my sunbaenims or any Korean people really, I just try my best to socialize and get into the circles.
I open the door and sit down on the make-up chair waiting for Mi-Ok, akwardly with Ba-Bo who's just chatting with someone on her phone and not even trying to communicate with me. Last evening did end okay, I think, but still the atmosphere is weird. I feel very anxious of the group's future. I just wish that she could come along with me and Mi-Ok. Otherwise, we may all end up being trainees again. And that would be a big setback for every one of us.

"I miss the first days I got to spend with Ji Yong and you all," I sigh as I grab a piece of meat between the chopsticks of mine. We have gathered in Young Bae's apartment again and I feel a lot better around my favorite people and also relieved to be away from the stressful dorm life.
"It just feels like everything is going worse day by day", I add.
"Why?" Seungri munches. It's a rare chance to see him since it looks like he's always out with his girlfriends of dj-ing at some clubs.
"Oh, nothing..." I realize that I must look miserable.
"We should do something fun together," Young Bae suggests and looks at me and Seungri. I love the idea. I need someone to take me away from here for a while. That's what I always do when there's problems, run away. I guess everybody knows that already.
"What do you mean by fun?" I ask.
"We will tell you when we come up with som--"
"No! Can't I for once be part of the planning? I always get surprises. I don't need all the fucking surprises... I'm fine!" I suddenly snap at them.
Both of them look at me scared for a second and it makes me feel super bad. How could I ever be angry at these boys? I'm very aware of that I've just made a huge mistake. I stand up calmly and get my handbag, head towards the door. I hear no words from them anymore, they just keep on looking at my direction with the akward silence surrounding us before I open my mouth and mumble something.
"I'm sorry. I must be just a bit tired... I should go to sleep."

After I left, the conversation goes on.
"There's something really wrong with her. I'm very worried," Young Bae says while he mixes his food slowly. The burning smell of the spicy food floats in the air and the time seems to have stopped a little, leaving them both a bit stunned for what just happened.
"It's not healthy. She propably misses him even more than he does," Seungri nods silently.
"You don't even know..." Young Bae sighs and shakes his head a bit, having to bring a single strand of hair back behind his ear.
"What is it?" Seungri raises his gaze up to Bae, slurping the noodles in and resting the chopsticks momentarily beside the bowl.
"Ji Yong calls me every single evening... And he tells me how badly he misses her. I would feel wronged if I didn't add that I sometimes hear him crying although he tries hard to sound like he doesn't," Young Bae tells him. He leans his cheek against his palm when resting his elbow against the table surface, also taking a pause from the eating and another small, anxious sigh can be heard.
"No- Really? But why doesn't he call her?"
"He doesn't want to make it worse for her but he still needs somebody to talk about it. I think she's the same. Trying to fight against the obvious."
"But that's just stupid," Seungri stares at the wooden chopsticks. He has seen his friend in pain before and it's never a pretty scene to witness. Although it does not always seem like Seunghyun cares about others but himself, spending time apart from the other members often, but he does when it's really necessary. And now he's overly worried.
"Yeh."
"They are just fooling themselves. They should communicate more. He even has time to call you," Seungri frowns.
"I guess it's because they want to learn to be apart," Young Bae shrugs and gathers the empty plates, drops them in the sink.
"Yes, yes," Seungri nods sharply a few times. "But what about all the schedules they both have nowadays, there's a lot. I know myself it's hard to manage through long working days when you have issues in your personal life. It's tough. And anyway, trying to learn to be apart, isn't that what couples do when they broke up?" Seungri brings up a good point and makes Tae sigh once more at the dirty dishes before he turns around.
"True. It's difficult... To be in a relationship when both of them are so busy," Young Bae sits back down at the table.
"It must be," Seungri adds, knowing his friend must be not talking only for Ji's or Minea's half but surely for himself too.
"It's all coming back. You know, she reminds me of Ji Yong when he was with Kiko. When he literally broke down. You saw it too, you were there... It's the same thing all over again, right?"

Notes