Gratefulness~ pt.5

A screeking gasp that can only be heard on scary movies echoes throughout the whole dorm as I sping to sit up on my bed, fingers clawing the sheets and sweat dripping down my forehead.
"Fuck!" I talk to no one else but myself as I stare into the mirror across my room.
"Did he kill himself because of me? Because of me?!" I ask out loud the question that has been driving me crazy the whole night, interrupting my dreams.
It doesn't take long as I hear a silent knock on my door and the door opens. I'm still frozen on my spot as Mi-Ok's face peeks between the doorway, his gaze full of worry and curiousness.
"Mineah?" he asks silently in the dim room and reaches for the lamp nearest to her. I quickly relax my muscles and wipe my forehead, making myself look just normal enough before she touches the light switch. She looks at me questioning and I let out an embarrassed laughter.
"Oh my... Did I wake you up?" I scratch my head.
"I just had a nightmare. Go to sleep, Mi-Ok! I will too," I smile as I press my head back against the pillow and see her shrugging.
"Okay, Minea," she laughs a little as she reaches to switch off the lamp. "Good night."
"Good night," I say and wait until she has closed the door just to take my phone and message Sara, hoping she would answer me but not being sure about it. It's almost five a.m. in the morning.
> Me: Are you awake? I hope you're awake...
Sara: We'll now I am, thanks to you. You woke me up!
Me: Yeah, I'm sorry.. I just can't get this thing out of my head and it's bothering me
Sara: This thing?
Me: You must have heard about Joakim...
Sara: Joakim? What about him?
Me: Aah... You were on the vacation, you don't know yet..
Sara: ??
Me: Joakim... Killed himself.
Sara(after a few minutes): I don't know what to say... How are you feeling? I wish I were there...
Me: mm.. And I wish I had stayed there instead...
Sara: But why? You're doing so great in there
Me: He did it for me, don't you think? Or does he have another reason?
Sara: for you? Oh shit.....
Me: I mean.. Ugh I hate this. I hate why these things happen when I really can't.. I really can't right now...
Sara: <3
Me: I can't believe this... Fuck life...
Sara: Please, stay strong. Cry if you feel like it! It always helps! Ily!!
Me: Yeah, yeah... I'm an expert already... Could you find out what the reason was? It's a bit hard for me to do from here. And if he did it because of me, because of all the fucking years I knew he liked me but I was too afraid to say that I did not feel the same way and it prolonged and prolonged and then it just would have gone wrong. I didn't want to ruin the friendship. He was so kind... No matter if he hurt me. I fucking miss that idiot... If he did it because of me.. I'm a murderer.
Sara: Hey hey hey! You're not a MURDERER. That's horrible! I know you miss him and you can miss him. It's okay. I'm sure he didn't do it just for something like that. Maybe there was something else too. I'm still shocked, oh shit...
Me: I don't know.. He said that I was the most important to him. And I just left him alone. I knew he would hate me and I still did it. I fucking hate myself!!! I HATE MYSELF!!!! I BETRAY MY SWEET BOYFRIEND AND NOW I MAKE A PERSON TO KILL HIMSELF!! Do you understand how much I don't deserve a good life?! I... I want to run away again.
Sara: Shut. Up. Right. Now. And breath. If you do that then I will push you back to Korea.
Me: Yeah because you don't want to watch a fucking murderer like me either.. Can I just die too?
Sara: No!!! But because you need to stop giving up on things that you like just because you want to punish yourself. Do what you can. It's not the end of the world. Life will go on either way, no matter if you were sitting in the corner back in here and scolding yourself or moving forward and doing good in there. I don't know if you know but.. You have always been my inspiration. The way you can do anything when you put your mind into something is maniac. Because of the motivation I got just by looking at you I got into a high-ranked school. You're the best. And stop doubting that...

"What the shit? This cat is ruining my clothes!" is a good way to wake up after a bad night I guess. It's BaBo whining about Mi-Ok's Minho dropping his fur everywhere.
"Calm down! Don't be such a dramatic woman," I hear Mi-Ok's voice snickering echoing from the walls.
Slowly I get my heavy body to stand up from the bed and change on some clothes. I take a good while in front of the makeup mirror to nurish my eyebags with all kinds of essences to make them go down as much as possible, finishing them off with a ton of concealer. I can't go and wash my face now that I look like a monster without a pack of makeup on my face, no matter if I got a pimble or two coming. A good leader doesn't give more stress to the members as they deserve, I repeat to myself in my head. I want to be a good leader. I won't show how I feel to become a burden for anyone.
The girls are checking out Mi-Ok's teaser as I emerge from my room and she herself looks at me in awe.
"Woah. Our leader looks so pretty right in the morning," she smiles radiatingly and, to be honest, I think her positive feedback is just due to a great teaser of herself and I got to see it myself. I take a peek at BaBo's phone to see the picture of Mi-Ok black figure against a colorful messy background with a letter N as to hint on the group's name.
"It's a pretty picture of you. You look like a character from anime," I look up to Mi-Ok and give her a smile.
"And your teaser was great too. It really reflected your originality," I pat BaBo's shoulder. They both seem to be slightly dazed of the odd situation, me just smiling peacefully at them and complimenting BaBo so casually like she had been my best friend all this time.
"Well," I take a deep breath and shrug, going to grab an apple from the fruit basket and my bag from my room before heading out. "Let's get going. We need to go and work hard for our bright future."

Notes