Gratefulness~ pt.5

"You don't recognise me?" he directs me an adorable small smile with his eyes curling into an eyesmile.
"You seem like a real world star already, Minea-ssi. You don't even care for your staff," he rubs his neck akwardly.
"Oh!" I gasp and grin out of embarrassment as I give him a small bow.
"You're part of the staff? I'm so sorry, I don't recognise all of you yet. I have such a bad name and face memory too, it always gets me in trouble," I form a fist and bang it against my head a few times. I realise at the same time that I have adapted some Asian gestures. The staff boy pats me on my shoulder softly and shows a wide toothy smile.
"It's alright. I was just kidding," he tells me.
"I do care for the staff though," I nod eagerly. "What's your name?"
He nods understandingly and says:
"I'm Minhwan but I'm also often adressed as Michael as that was my name in America."
"Oh, so you've been to America?" I keep showing my interest although I think I should be going, for I'm hungry and I don't know when the shop is going to get closed but also my thin leather jacket is not enough to keep me warm for long. But I want to seem like a good idol. I want to be the one who cares for the staff.
"Yes," he answers cheerfully and chuckles.
"But you should maybe continue where ever you were going, Minea-ssi. Your nose is getting red. You should not catch a cold now that your debut is around the corner," he seems to be very kind and caring and I like it, nodding at him with a pleased smile on my lips.
"Thank you, Minhwan," I say.
"I really should. I'm in a hurry as always, no matter how nice it would be to talk more with you," I laugh shortly and he just nods and pats my shoulder again.
"See you, Minea-ssi!" he smiles at me warmly for the last time before heading back to the headquarters as I continue walking to the shop. What a nice staff boy.

The daylight turns into a dark night, a fullmoon shining above the sky with a million stars keeping company to it. I'm sitting down on a bench near our dormitory as I wanted to call my boyfriend before getting back to the dorm with the girls and after the call I stayed for a while longer, just staring at the moon, almost hoping to see his face actually reflecting from it.
"Can you see the moon? We're still under the same sky. I'm here with you," his words fill my mind. And it feels like warmth and sunrays on my skin. It feels familiar, safe. I'm safe.
I look down at the phone on my lap and unlock the screen to see the other number that has called me earlier. Anton, my little brother. I take a last deep breath out of bliss before calling my brother back. Jiyong just gets me everytime, I think to myself. He knows what to say to make me feel better about the distance between us.
The phone beeps a several times and I lean my elbow against the bench, pondering if I should stand up and start walking back to the dorm as I'm freezing so badly at the moment. But then Anton picks up and greets me.
"Hey, lil bro. How are you?" I greet him happily.
"I'm alright," he answers shortly and keeps a moment of silence which I assume is because he's doing something at the same time.
"So, what have you been doing? Tell me you're doing good in school like I told you to!" I nag and laugh a bit afterwards. But I hear only silence and a cough.
"Anton?" I ask for him. "Are you thinking about mom again?"
But he doesn't admit anything. Still I think it must be because of it.
"Anton, mom is with us still. She looks after us. She's not gone, you know that? We have to be strong and do well so that mom can be proud of us," I keep talking to the quiet line, telling encouraging words to him but I hear nothing as a respond. No sniffing or breathing whatsoever. I stand up and lift my sports bag on my shoulder.
"Anton, are you still there?" I ask and start walking down the alley. I give him time to tell me what's weighing his mind as I keep the line open, pressing the phone on my ear as I wait. I fall into deep thoughts about Ji again and a small smile lingers on my lips until I hear rattle from the line and Anton's voice sighing.
"Hey, sister?" I hear him begging with a silent tone. "Promise me you'll be okay."
I wake up from my dream world as I frown by myself.
"What are you talking? Of course I will be okay. I'm just worried about you..."
"Good because I heard today that Joakim has killed himself. I hope you'll be okay. Are you okay?"
My legs stop working first. Then my eyesight becomes blurred. My breathing seems to take a break. And all this in just one second.
"I.. W-what?" I mumble silently. I can't hear the world around me as the time stops right there. Why?
"No, don't say it again," I correct as I lean against brick wall momentarily to digest another bad news but can I? Can I really take this too? What am I anymore? Anton stays quiet on the line, clearing his throat.
"I'm... I'm sorry but I had to tell you. Robert said that I shouldn't because you have already so much to take care of there in Korea but I think it would have been unfair not to tell you."
My brain is fighting against the truth, not wanting to understand. I can only try to breath evenly.
"Mm... Yes, it's good that you did," I try to disguise my shaky voice into a stronger and more confident one. I don't have time to collapse now. Maybe I shouldn't tell anyone else either to not to make it too real for myself, I decide when I glance at the dormitory.
"When?" I just ask.
"It's Thursday now, right?" I hear his voice distant, assuming he's checking the calender on his phone.
"Yeah, Thursday. Robert said that his classmate had heard a shot on Monday morning. He lives as their neighbour," I realise Anton too being careful for not to pronounce my ex's name aloud and I'm thankful for it. I really don't want to think about him and his stupidity to leave this world like it right now.
"Ah, alright," I say as I open the door of the dormitory and climb up the stairs to knock on the door of our dorm. Anton gives me some encouraging words of his own this time as I try to hold in all the tears trying to push through. Mi-Ok opens the door for me with a wide smile showing on his face and I try to do the same at her as I kick the shoes off and head to my room for privacy, the call to be a good excuse for avoiding talking to the other members tonight.
I go sleep early. Dreaming about a black night, now one star more to shine in the sky.

Notes

Teaser for chapter 14