Bridges

Usually we wake up at about eight or nine o’clock. Jiwon has to go to the job and I have to get him off. But this time we wake at one p.m. We hug each other and it was the strangest thing for me. Jiwon snuffle into my shoulder and entwine me by his arms and legs. I think I need to go to the bath, to solve some problems in my bag. But when I am trying to go out the warm Jiwon’s hags I hear quiet angry hiss.
“No, you will stay here. We cannot sleep for four days long and if we have a possibility to stay in bed, we will. I am going to stock up my powers.” To vindicate his words Jiwon swings his legs up to me and hugs me harder.
“Jiwon, I just need to go to the bath. And if you want to sleep just sleep. I have to cook something for breakfast… or dinner. What time is it at all?
Finally, I get out of bed and go to the bath. Jiwon tried to stop me by croaking and annoyed whine. Mirror in the bathroom shows me lantern jaws, tired because of sleepless night eyes and bitted lip. There is only a ghost of always smiling and bright Kim Hanbin. My hair is on the mess and there are bruises on my arms. It means that Jiwon have to use force to hold me back.
Unexpectedly I want to stay under cold water. The longest period of my problems with dreams was two weeks long but in the most cases, they ended at the seventh or eighth night. I would like to believe that I have to wait a bit for normal live. I think that the most terrible dreams are just waiting for me and stay under the warm water. I just try to relax. Honestly, it is really hard. It is hard because of the mess in my head, in my body and of course because of Jiwon. I would like to be such an egoist and think only about myself and about how damn I want to throw myself from the balcony. Maybe in this case all this mess will not follow me and try to break my mind. But I cannot. I worry about Jiwon much more then about myself. Maybe it is because I am such a silly idiot.
When I am out Jiwon is already drinking his morning tea sitting at the sofa. He still looks tired but now I see that he has sucked off. When he noticed me, he put the cup away. His face becomes taught and I understand that there is a time for a serious talk.
“Hanbin, you will sleep with me” he fixedly says it and pretend as if I have no choice now.
“Jiwon, you are again…”
“I cannot understand. You know much better than me that you can sleep without nightmares if someone is nearby you. And I really do not understand what is your great problem, Hanbin. I think about and cannot understand anything. That is it. If you do not want to sleep with me, I will sleep with you. Maybe then you will not decide to scratch your leg with a nail or sandbag me into…” Jiwon stops talking but I have heard everything.
“What? I… what?”
“Oh, damn, it does not matter and you know it.” He stands up and comes up to me “Why do you press on yourself? Why you do not want to take drugs? Why do not you want take my help? Hanbin, rely on someone does not mean to lose. I am not a stranger for you, is not it?”
“Jiwon, I am not….” And what am I going to say? ‘Jiwon, I am sorry but I go a bit silly over you and every day I think only about where I would like to have a sex with you’.
“Listen to me. Now I do not care what is it your head. You will sleep with me and do not move around. When I will understand that everything is fine you can sleep even is the bathroom. I will not let you suffer alone. And now we go to the store or by food to the house. What do you think?”
That is the way Kim Jiwon used to change the theme of talking and end quarrel.
“I am for pizza. And, Jiwon, I would like to ask”
“Hm?”
“You have not smoked for two days. It is strange”
“I have, why do you think I have not?
“Usually I feel the smell, but not now. I just want to be sure I am not sleeping now.”
Jiwon looks at me like if I am psycho. I can understand him, but I really have not seen he smokes for two days.
“I propose to engage a pizza, six bottles of beer and spend this evening not hopelessly.” He says sitting down the laptop. “Are you with me?”
“And I can say no?”
Delivery arrives after an hour. Jiwon is still lying at the sofa. He lazy switches over TV channels and I google about the sense of using tranquillizers or some antidepressants for curing my problem. I have found many arguments why I should, but finely I decided not to use them. I feel the smell of warm and tasty pizza and understand that I am starving. However, when I try to take a piece Jiwon biffs on my hand.
“Now we will take our jackets, go to the balcony and only then eat. If you do not want to go out we will aerate heads by this way.”
Perspective to sit in the cold balcony with warm pizza and cold beer looks no very funny, but I cannot refuse. That is why I wear a warm sweatshirt, jacket, gumshoes and scarf and go into balcony. We always sit on the threshold so I open the door and put beer bottles on the floor. At the moment Jiwon is here wearing jacket and hat and with pizza in his hands.
“We look like two idiots I guess,” I say, opening the bottles and giving him one of them.
“We need to go out and breathe in fresh air. Do not you mind?” he gets a cigarette pack and looks at it.
“I do not. It is strange that you are asking. We live together for a long time and you are still smoking.”
“What if you have a headache because of it, why knows. Sometimes I cannot sustain the cigarette smoke, i feel like I am going to vomit. But you have never said me anything about it.” Jiwon hits my bottle by his one and makes a gulp. He rips pack’s cover by his teeth, opens the pack, takes one cigarette and mouth it. I have seen it so many times that can imagine with close eyes. Jiwon knits his brow when he lights up a cigarette, then he pulls and breathe out. Actually, smoking such a vice, but Jiwon should not be blamed. All this pulls and cigarettes altogether blend in.
I look away, gulp beer and take a piece of pizza. There is evening twilight and I can see purple sky reflected in the glassed tops of skyscrapers. Somewhere under us there are crowds of people why hurry home and noise of a big city. There is a haze in the air and I cannot understand if it is emission of cars or just smoke of Jiwon’s cigarette. His profile with the cigarette in teeth and the beer bottle in a hand looks too beautiful at this background. Oh, year. It looks like I cannot stop looking at him even if I try.
“Which kind of dreams you see? You have never told me.” Jiwon does the cigarette out of concrete floor and shoots it out the balcony.
“Different.”
“Tell me, please. Just one.”
“Usually it is my death. Rarely someone else’s. That is everything I can say.”
“And it looks so real that your brain decides to look limit of human’s life in reality. Looks terrible. I mean really terrible.”
I make a gulp of beer and try not to remember all dreams where one way or another I have killed Jiwon. They are the most terrible and disgusting. What can be worse than feeling of blood everywhere?
“When are you going to go to work? Will not you have problems?” I change the theme because I do not want to unnerve myself. And Jiwon should not know everything about the conformation of ‘the world of nightmares’.
“After two days. Everything is fine. I have a replacement.”
I have not noticed when he finishes the first bottle. Talk is not going, but silence is snug. I do not know how to explain it. Sometimes there are people with whom you feel discomfort. But sometimes there are people like Jiwon. You can keep silence with them for ages and there are like thousands of telepathic links between you. We have become interlock by these links some years ago.
While we are drinking, Jiwon takes can from his pocket and gives me one, as usual. We are sitting, eating pizza, hiding our hands in pockets, listening to music and feel that there should be more evenings like this one in our life. Jiwon whispers lyrics of song and I try to hide my smile in a neckpiece of my jacket. I am a bit drunk and I want to remember our tumultuous backward. I would like to pass out, for example, fight, smash in window of some shop or do something else. Unfortunately now we cannot do all of it.
“Tell the truth, I wanna sleep.” I say. It is absolutely dark but I still do not know what time it is. Jiwon takes one more cigarette.
“I too. I smoke and follow you, go.”
Of course, I go into his room. I doff my jacket, sweatshirt and fall on the bed, wrinkling a blanket. I am still afraid to sleep but I understand that it have worked last times. If someone is nearby me, it passes not so painful. Jiwon is here after five minutes and he smells cigarette. He falls on me, polls and lays near.
“Good night.”
“Year, night.”
Finally, I fall asleep without any blood.
We wake up at midday. Jiwon is happy, jests and smile whole day. He goes to the shop and buys, as usual, two packs of ramen and many cookies. We watch an old X-men and try not to go crazy. There are two bottles of beer in our fridge and we decide to have an alcohol party. Jiwon goes to the shop again and buys two bottles of soju. Looks like he have red my yesterday’s thoughts about ‘to pass off’.
“You know, I wanna drink for our bright backward. And I want to say ‘thank you’ to it for connecting us. Man, I do not know what would I do without you.” Jiwon has red cheeks, red, because of biting, lips and cap on his head. I do not know for what it is now. Maybe he have forgotten to get it off, when he come back home, anyway I have noticed only now.
“Yeah, let’s drink.” It is the fourth pony and the first bottle is empty. Jiwon starts to smoke in the room just because he does not want to wear the jacket and to go to somewhere. At eleven p.m. our kitchen looks like a victim of fire, because thought that we should open a window comes into our minds too late. There is smoke in the air and empty bottles on the floor. I feel like everything around me is running when I turn my head.
“Hanbin, you know, what do I wanna ask you for ages?” Jiwon not too drunk, he is fine. He knits, pushes the cigarette into an ashtray and looks at me.
“What?”
“Have you written anymore?”
This question hits me under ribs. I delay in responding, but finally answer without caring what I tell.
“Yes. There was some times, when I wanted to drown myself, so, yes. I came back to pen and wrote everything that came into my mind in rhymes. Especially it was two things: inability to sleep and be with a person I love.”
Jiwon sighs hard and drapes himself against the chair back.
“It was a long time ago. I thought you let go those relations.”
“I did not say it was about those relations.”
“It means you have….”
“Let’s just go sleep. I feel my head need to meet a pillow promptly.”
Jiwon throws his brows up and says something to my back but I go to the room. I do not turn light on and fall on the bed. I would like to fall asleep but I do not want to. The bed bends again and Jiwon lays nearby me. I feel him with my back and I do not know why it becomes harder to breathe.
The moment, when I fall asleep, is slipping from my attention. I wonder that I do not sleep because I am lying on the same bed, in the room of Jiwon. But he pulls my T-shirt and touch my body with his hands.
"What are you doing?” I take his hand off and raise on my elbows.
Suddenly, Jiwon sits down on me, clutching my hips by his knees. Involuntarily I exhale loudly, because it is not what can be seen every time. Jiwon sits on me and unambiguous tries to get under my T-shirt.
"You want me, are not you?" he just leans forward and bends. His torso touches my and, while Jiwon is becoming closer to me, T-shirt impermissible quickly lifts. I feel the hard fabric of the jeans, which scratches my skin.
“Jiwon, seriously, stop it.” I still have some power to resist, but Jiwon’s nose leads on my cheek and his lips in some miserable few centimeters from mine.
"You are still sleeping. And you know it.”
Jiwon takes my hands and puts them on the hips. And now I am going to let myself into the nearest window. Because it feels like a space between the ribs and there is an icy air there. It is a kind of hurts, but lungs become cold. And I breathe in a special way, in a sort of special rhythm. It is the same with Jiwon’s breathing out right at my neck.
His hands are wet and hot. And he does ‘the devil knows what’ with them. There are only fingertips run on the sides, causing goose bumps, and then roughly squeeze. I would better shove him, but I even cannot normally breathe. Because Jiwon is so close to me now, Jiwon is all mine and damn I want him as want no one ever in my life.
“Hanbin, you can do whatever you want” Jiwon’s voice is quiet and broken by cigarette smoke. And growl at the end of some words makes me urgently desire to exploit the situation.
Jiwon would not get on me. This is the last adequate thought that visits my tired mind. Then I bite his lip, abruptly moving forward and making him sit on me. Jiwon presses my body with his legs and moves closer. I feel that he smiles at my lips. I want to bite his lips, because I have never try anything better.
I kiss him in some random sequence of bites and desires to feel on tip of my tongue the taste of alcohol and cigarettes.
“Jiwon” I whisper almost every time we pull away from each other, and I feel craziness. I close my eyes and when I open them, I am already sitting on him. His hands squeeze my shirt, trying to stop.
“Hanbin, you...” his voice is a little bit uncertain, it is not like a minute before. “Do you really want it?”
"How can you ask? I am crazy about you.”
When I kiss him again, he answers slowly. It feels like he are trying my taste. I do not feel his hands on my body, and the role seems to be changed. But I just don't want to thinking about it, because Kim Jiwon kisses too cool. He gently puts his hand on my nape and I lose control because of this feeling.
Jiwon’s T-shirt flies to the side in a moment, and I touch his skin with my lips. I bite his neck, touch his Adam's apple with my tongue, make him bend and moan lowly and quietly. When I find his lips and kiss once again, Jiwon seems to be regaining the role of the protagonist and quickly throws me on my back. He skins off my T-shirt, and I cannot look away from his body. In the dark of our room, I can see only outlines and some parts, but, even in this light, Jiwon looks stunning. Strong tense arms, taut torso and bulging muscles at the ribs. I want to touch them with my tongue. But Jiwon plays only with his rules.
“I am fucking drunk, so don't really understand what we are doing, but I do not care” it is the last logical sentence which I can hear. Then a complete craziness becomes.
I can hardly understand where Jiwon knows that he can leads to discharge with just one touch of hot hands to my excited doodle, but he does it so well that I almost end. He whispers something to me, slangs in English, while he pulls off my pants and his jeans. We were not smart enough to remove it before going to sleep. He scratches my hips and bites skin on my shoulders. I did not hesitate at all and move apart my feet in the most depraved way. I kiss him, lick the salt from his body and moan loudly. It is hell, Kim Jiwon. He is on top, he is madly rude and not less bold, because his lips make me shake and plangently moan his name. Everything is so inconsistent and crazy fast that I can only get some pieces. Jiwon kisses me, he leads his tongue over my neck, he squeezes my thighs, lifts me, lays me on himself, says something that I do not catch and then I feel that right now I will be hardly fucked.
“Lick.” Jiwon makes a gun with two finger and sticks it into my mouth. And it would be wonderful if I could shoot myself. But I just lick his fingers, and when Jiwon removes them, he replaces them by his tongue. And while he is creating a complete chaos, mixing his saliva with mine, I feel that he pushes one finger into me.
“You can do it quickly. Even if it is painful. It does not matter. Finally, it is not...”
‘Reality’. It is blowing in my head, but I only swear loudly, because Jiwon takes these words too literally. He hardly skewers me on him, and I put my forehead on his shoulder. Every part of my body is tense, because the pain burns through me. It is as if I have stripped half side on the asphalt, on which was a glass, nails and something else. I remember the dream where I am killed by knife. Now it is easier to adjust to this pain, comparing the real one with the one that was stronger, but in the past.
“All right?” asks Jiwon, not daring to do anything else.
“Just come on.”
Jiwon moves his hips once, and it is still hurt. I cannot say it is insufferable, but the feeling is not the most pleasant. I feel him in my body, and arousal becomes harder. I clench teeth and move my hips, showing that everything is in order. Jiwon keeps me and begins to move slowly. I understand that couple of movements is probably enough for him to finish. Because he is breathing hardly and he is tight like he is near to break.
“Jiwon, just fuck me, okay? And do not think about me.”
I do not need to repeat twice. It seems like he is trying to remove skin from my back, because his nails literally scratch it from the bones and his teeth leave new bruises on my neck. He begins to move faster, and I try to stifle the moans, because it is hurt, and it is bang and I want to die at the same time. Jiwon squeezes my thigh with one hand and directs it toward him. He grabs my dick with other hand and moves to the beat of the tremors. I hear his low growls, feel that he becomes faster, and then feel a warmth inside of me. Jiwon is breathing hard, but continues to move his hand until I come on his belly and fall dawn with exhaustion. He falls next to me and his chest rises and falls too often.
“Let’s go into the shower. And we need to change the sheets.” he says and I rise and go to him for a kiss.
"Thank you" I have a broken voice, and cannot understand anything.
He kisses me but too quickly. His lips just touch mine and that is all. Jiwon stands up, nods to the bathroom, and begins to change underwear.
When I stand in the shower, I think that it is probably the best dream for all my life. I even do not look at the mirror, just put on clean clothes and go out. Jiwon is next to me. He does not raise his eyes, and his behavior scares me. For the first time in my life, I realize that I want to stay here, in this reality.
I go back into the room and climb under the covers. Sleepiness closes my eyes. Jiwon comes after few minutes. He lies near, but does not hug me. However, I am too tired to give it a sense.
This time I wake up alone. There is smell of coffee in the air and I get out of bed. I am still sleepy but I go into the kitchen and look at Jiwon, who is sitting at the table with a cup in his hands. But this is not on what I pay my attention.
“Jiwon?” I ask carefully, because I do not want to believe in what I see.
“What?” he asks, takes the cup away and looks at me.
“What is it?” I look at his hands. There are lots of new crimson scratches and bruises, which look like...
“Hickeys, Hanbin. Your beautiful teeth leave them” Jiwon stands up and comes very close to me. “We had a sex tonight.”
Right now, something break me into small pieces.
“What? No, Jiwon.”
“Yes.”
Jiwon shuffles his T-shirt off and turns his back. I look at the scratched in blood skin, look at the bruises on his neck and traces of teeth. Legs are weak and I just turn around and go into my room. I slam the door and lock it. Jiwon knocks and shouts.
“Hanbin, open" I cannot understand. There is no anger in his voice, only regrets.
But I am not going to open. He knocks and shouts something, and I go to the mirror. There are the same traces on my neck and red stripes on shoulders. Lips are bitten and there are almost black bruises on the thigh. I grab my head and fall down the floor. So it was not a dream. Then, how?
Jiwon would not start. It means that at one moment I woke up. But when? And how can I do not understand that this is not the same reality. When suddenly I was on top, and when he wears another t-shirt.
“Damn!” I swear and draw my fingers through the hair.
“Hanbin, stop it. Let me in. You cannot stay locked for the whole day.”
"No, I can" I answer him. “Why did not you stop me?”
"Open the door and let's talk.”
“No, Jiwon. I cannot.”
“You won’t be able to sleep.”
“It is even better.”
"Why do you behave like a child, damn it? I would not sleep with you out of pity, Hanbin I...”
I take the headphones and the MP3-player from the table, put them on and turn on the full loudness. Now I cannot hear Jiwon’s shouts, and there is an opportunity to think about what to do now.
I spent the night with Jiwon. We had a sex.
My world falls apart and bites into my skin. I want to hide in a corner and just disappear somewhere. I had a sex with my best friend. I have just grounded to dust everything that we build up for so long.
For all this time, I collected a bridge from tiny pieces. That was a bridge between my reality and dreams. Jiwon always was the most durable thing that supported me, even if I felt that I had to fall. He was my main support between reality and a dream, because I did not know another ways to return. And now all my bridges have collapsed into the water, into the abyss and became only the rusty pieces. I lost the road, on which I used to come back home. To come back to Jiwon.
The rest of the day, I sit almost in the same position, and repeat these horrible thoughts in my mind. Pictures of the previous night appear before my eyes, and I want to cut my existence from the entire universe. I do not even feel any pain at all and just keep mentally cutting myself. I have tried to escape somehow, to see something, to read a comic book. But whatever I do, all my thoughts keep returning to the one. Guilt stokes cuts and drains me. And in the end, I do not even notice how suddenly fall asleep.
I stand on those dark streets of the city. There are dirty buildings with almost collapsed facades and old paint around me. There is smell of burning in the air and snow under my feet. I wrapped in a black jacket, trying to keep warm. I see a familiar old American car. And there is someone's corpse. And Yes, I know that the next moment I will be there. I feel the knife, turning it into my side. It falls on the ground. Sticky blood remains on my hands. It runs down my side and fills the white snow, staining it in a dirty maroon. I raise my head up to look at the stars and dream that this time it is a reality. I just pray that I can see Jiwon for the last time. A wet white snowflake falls on my cheek. I am sure that at the same time it is painted in the color of my blood.
Then I hear footsteps and see him. Jiwon comes out of a dark alley. He sits in a puddle of blood, takes my hand and says quietly.
“I am with you.”
I am scared. The pain in my left side just unbearable. I almost cannot breathe and I spit blood stagnated in the throat.
“I am with you,” Jiwon repeats. His hands are in the blood, but he is not afraid.
I try to smile, but the consciousness leaves me. I still hear that ‘I am with you’, but life is slowly slipping away from me.

Notes