Bridges

For ‘nothing will happen’ I have to drink three cups of coffee free of sugar, milk and without sweets. Sweets would be great now, but someone forgot to buy them so I have to eat toasts, which were burnt to ash, just not to feel bitter taste of cheap coffee. Next time I should remind myself that it is very interesting not to sleep during all night but only if you have not to stay active during the next day. Stay active alone.
I wear my jacket, slippers and go to the balcony. The weather is awful. It is slushy and I don’t want to stay here for a long time. Anyway, fresh air is the best stimulator for brain and thoughts about sleep cannot get control over me. I don’t know why but I look at the cigarette pack. And everything begins again. I think about Jiwon’s fingers, Jiwon’s hands, Jiwon’s lips. I shake my head trying to get all this thoughts away.
The key turns in the lock at the time. I just cannot drink the fourth cup of this awful coffee. TV droningly screams someone’s songs but I cannot catch the sense. I understand that I am still wear the jacket only when I see Jiwon’s strange look.
“Are you ill?” he seats nearby me, wearing his outwear, and attaches his hand to my forehead. I squint because his fingers are too cold and gentle.
“Maybe, but rather it is because I have not slept.”
“You can sleep now. I will be here, with you.”
I doff and try to smile.
“You are tired too. Hope I will not bang away tonight.”
Jiwon sighs hard and say nothing. I go into my room and turn off at the time. However, at the same moment I turn up in another place.
There are crowd of people around me and I cannot see them very clearly. Their figures, faces, clothes look like they were smeared by brushes. People run and shout something. There are skyscrapers beside me and I can see reflection of the sky in their glassed walls. I go through the flow of people I feel disgusting fear and hopelessness. People’s faces are black blurs with mouths opened in a dumb cry. I try to close my ears and do not hear screams and hoots. There is a yellow-black tape across the street and emergency ambulances and patrol cars behind it. I band and go through the barrage. No one tries to stop me. Noise in my head is insupportable but I keep going and every next step is harder.
And then I see you, Jiwon. I know that it is you because of those yellow shoes. You lay on wet asphalt and there is a huge pool of blood under you. I shut my mouth up trying not to cry. I feel weak in my knees and fall down. I cannot make any sound. I feel tears on my cheeks and people trying to catch me.
“Hold him. He is a murderer.”
I understand that there are not tears on my cheeks. I feel blood, again.
“Hanbin, I am here, with you.” Talks me the voice in my head and I see your face.
Now I am in our living room. We seat on the floor. Anyway, Jiwon seats behind me and holds my body by his knees. He is not screaming, just holds my shoulders with his hands and looks at me. I hate moments when he contracts his forehead so discomposedly. I am ready to confound the whole world for this inflection of eyebrows and biting lips. And yes, there are the first thoughts I have when I wake up.
“Hey” his voice is like in my dream and he smiles too sad.
“Hey” I answer and understand that he is alive.
“Let’s go to the bed?”
“Yes.”
The only one I know for sure, that I do not want to let him go. That is the only reason why I do not argue. I have no strength anymore. Jiwon holds my elbow, settles me on the bed and lays nearby me. I feel his presence behind me and sleep without dreams.
Day by day, it becomes worth. Jiwon says nothing but his eyes look tired and there are dark circles under them. He becomes clumsy and he often drops something which is not like him. There are scratches on his arms because every night I try to scratch me out the realities that try to become my second lives. Jiwon tries to ensure me that everything is fine. He takes time off his work for a week because of ‘family situation’. He knows that it is too dangerous for me to stay alone now. Especially after the incident at four a.m. when I tried to pour boiling-hot water on my hand. I just wanted to realize if I exist. I need to know that there is Jiwon who needs me and he is real.
“You are here again” Jiwon peeps round the doorway of the bathroom and squints like a cat.
“It is my safe place” I say and smile to him when he goes in and seats on the verge of the bath. He wears grey-orange T-shirt with low armholes. There are scratches on his arms and bruise on the elbow. I bite my lips and afraid to look up. Guiltiness drowns better then water if you know. There are tangled can in my hands but I feel much worst.
“Look at this” Jiwon stands up and comes up the mirror “Honey, it looks like we had the hottest night in our lives. Well, I think I should not go to the practice with children now.”
Jiwon twirls and pretends that he has noticed all of these only now. He laughs, follows red shreds on his arms with his fingers and smiles. I want to disappear right now. Normal person would put it away under sweatshirt and pretended that nothing had happened. But Jiwon never does something as a normal person. Jiwon continues make me sure that there is nothing terrible and everything is fine. He directly asks me about things that kill me. And I answer. Game goes as Jiwon says.
“Hey, man, stop falling a depression. You are not so good… in there, so I propose a hard therapy. We will go crazy here.”
“You propose it every time” I laugh, turn my head and look at Jiwon while he is too busy with looking at himself. He turns his head and I see line of his neck and chin and think that there should be the way out. For example, to shut up in a cage with high voltage. And it would be great if I was caged.
“And every time it works. Last time was the most successful. Now go out and let’s watch cartoons about… hmm… the Spiderman? Or if you want I will make an exception and we will watch The Lion King.
He honestly play fool but it is not funny for me. When half a year ago I had a weeklong problem with sleep, we watched cartoons about the Spiderman, X-men and someone else. We even watched all seasons of Top Gear. Honestly, we were so sleepy that cannot differ Ferrari and Lamborghini.
“Damn, man, let’s go” Jiwon catches my hand and makes me go out of the bathroom. He always makes me go out of somewhere.
He plays on the first part of The Lion King. There is ‘and why not?’ on his face. I have not slept for so long time that I cannot remember from where there are snakes and beer in out fridge. Looks like my brain cannot function at all.
“Tell me when did you go to the store?”
“We were there together, today’s morning. Cannot remember?”
“Not. Really?”
Suspicions come into my mind. I just lour and try to pay attention on Simba who gambols on stones. Jiwon smiles and laughs as if he is not older that eight and a half. He jabs me, puts his legs on me and rebels against my emotionlessness. But all his actions make me smile much more than a couple of lions on the TV. And then Jiwon bites my shoulder. I think I am going to go crazy.
Unexpectedly, he catches my shoulders, attracts my back to his chest and takes on my skin by his teeth, roaring, as it is a play. I shrink and make everything worth because Jiwon’s nose is near my neck and he is still roaring, smiling and biting higher and higher. Jiwon hugs me, starts to titillate, and I laugh and try not to die. Jiwon’s throaty roar, his smile in my shoulder, his laugh… there are a time bomb.
“Stop, Jiwon… Oh God, I will die right now.” I laugh, trying to remove his hands from my body and dodge from the trap ‘Kim Jiwon’.
“That’s no-no” he says and does not stop. I feel that he removes his hands from my ribs and one them goes to my neck. It goes round and presses at the dimple at the foot of my neck. Then it slowly goes higher to my chin makes me to throw head back. I feel he becomes harder and his thumb goes to the line of my chin.
“What are you…” I want to ask but feel his teeth on my neck and his hard hot breath on my ear. I can just breathe out edgily. Everything runs at my eyes, Jiwon is too close and I lose the last link with the reality. I want to stay forever in these hands. That is all.
“Quietly” I feel his wet lips near my ear “I want to do it quietly”
At the moment Jiwon starts to strangle me. He catches my neck by both hands, sit at me, and push me at the sofa. I try to remove his hands or dodge but understand that I can do nothing. It looks like my neck is going to become broken. I want to breathe in a bit air but cannot. I just try to understand ‘for what’. For what have I pestered him? Why does he want my death so hard? I feel salt water on my cheeks. My hands and feet are becoming cold and wet. Everything is going round. Is it the end?
“HANBIN” Jiwon scream from somewhere and I cannot understand what is wrong. I feel water in my mouth and wet clothes. “HANBIN, WAKE UP, DAMN!”
“Jiwon” I husk “Don’t kill me. I don’t want”
“YOU ARE AN IDIOT. I AM NOT KILLING YOU. WAKE UP!” he shakes me and his hands are wet and cold too. Eyesight is back and I try to blink. I understand that we are sitting in the bath and cold water rains from atop. I clearly feel water and coldness.
“Jiwon” I try to hold his hands and my voice is so weak that I pity myself.
“I am here, you hear? Wake up”
“Don’t leave me” I do not know why I tell it but hysterics invades me and I start shaking. I sob and I do not know what is better, that Jiwon is here or that I can breathe.
“Hey, I am here, with you. Look at me.”
Jiwon touch my forehead with his one and hold my face in his hands. I am still hold on him but my hands are on his shoulders. I cry. Jiwon hugs me, cuddles me in his arms and says something but I cannot catch the sense.
“It’s cold.”
“Let’s go then.”
He helps me to go out the bathroom. He undresses his T-shirt and I do the same.
“Change into something dry and I will. Are you fine?”
“Fine.”
I have finally woken up and now I understand that I have obfuscated everything again. Jiwon would never behave this way. He would never roar into my neck as if he knew everything about me.
I come back to my room. There is a mess. Sheets are crumpled, pillow is at the other side of the room, the blanket seems to be broken. I find my cloths at the chiffon robe and change quickly. It is too sad and I sit down the bed because I cannot do anything with all of this.
Jiwon rolls up at the doorway. He wears the red T-shirt with BULLS. His hair is wet and he turn head to put it out.
“Let’s go to my room?” now he does not look at his age at all. And I hear the same carefulness that I have heard at the practice with children. I noodle, stand up and go after him.
“If you want I can lay at the floor. Or may I lay with you?” he sustains vacillatingly. His bed is a bit smaller than mine is so we cannot just sprawl. But the most worrying for me thing is that he asks about it. It is the first time. He used to lay just without saying any words.
“Why are you asking?”
“Well…” he shifts from foot to foot “Well… I has understood that it was I in your dream. Maybe you….”
“No, that’s fine. I want you to stay with me. Only then I can normally sleep.”
Yeah, if you only know, Jiwon, that you are the main character of my dreams.
I even do not know what time is it but it is still dark and I think that we have some time before morning. Jiwon lays nearby me and tucks up the bed. I feel his breath too close to my neck. My dream is coming back but I try not to think about it. I do not want to think about things that were, as I feel, about two minutes ago. But pictures where Jiwon’s hands clip my neck are breaking into my mind. I try to hold hysterics but not too successfully.
“Hanbin?” his hand is still cold and it touches my shoulder. “Everything is very bad isn’t it?”
“No, I am just….” I sob and want to hit my face. I want everything is over.
“Come here” Jiwon moves closer, turns me and hugs. And I do not really want to think is it right or not. I hug him back. I embrace his as hard as I can and try not to cry.
“I want this dreams get away,” I whisper into his chest.
“We will come up something, I promise” Jiwon paddles with my hair and it is so soothing. Finally I fall asleep.

Notes