There were things about enlisting that Dongmin had known to expect from the internet and talking to his older cousins and dad: what kind of stuff you learned during basic training; how mean the drill sergeants actually are, the uniform you had to wear. There were things he never could’ve imagined, like that he’d be enlisting with not one but two famous idols. And then there were the things he should’ve known to expect, but had never consciously thought about: how bad their socks would all smell after hours of exercising; that he would have no one to whine to when it started pouring in the middle of a drill and he had to just continue through it, soaked and freezing, because the exact same thing had happened to everyone else in his unit; and that when you made that many young men live and sleep and bathe together for any period of time, conversation would, inevitably, come to comparing the size of their dicks.

This, at least, Dongmin feels safe about. He just sits back and lets the other guys talk, confident no one will attack him. He is what’s called a ‘shower’ as opposed to a ‘grower’; his dick doesn’t get too much bigger when it’s hard, but it looks reasonably sized when hanging soft between his legs during a shower.

Others are not so lucky. A guy he’s friendly with named Jihoon is being mocked mercilessly by someone who’s name is Jeong-something-jeong; Dongmin can’t remember what the middle part is. Jeong, apparently, got a look at Jihoon in the shower and feels the need to let the rest of them know what he saw as they sit around on their bunks in what is supposed to be their time for writing letters or in a diary.

Jihoon’s face has turned bright red in his embarrassment and anger. “The water was fucking cold, you shithead, and I was around you; when my cock’s ready to go you’d fucking know because it’s big enough to smack you in the face and leave a black eye.”

There’s a chorus of “Oh!”s by the other observers, including Dongmin. Dongmin was on a soccer team in high school and has observed several similar conversations, which he simply considers to be part of a man’s life. Especially when you make a man shower with a bunch of other men.

Jeong does not back down. “You’re right out of high school, right? Have you forgotten your lessons in physiology so quickly? Because there is no way that that –” he points at Jihoon’s crotch for emphasis – “could satisfy any woman.”

“Fuck you,” Jihoon says, “plenty of women have been more than happy with my cock. I send them home limping!”

The crowd reacts again, but Jeong’s not done. He takes on a more stately posture. “Ah, you are lying to impress your friends. I don’t blame you. But I am your senior, so you shouldn’t lie to me.” Technically they’re all the same rank here, but that hasn’t stopped older recruits from lording their age over the younger ones. “I’m twenty-six. I’ve had much more experience than you. Even if you assume that we could pull pussy at the same rate – which I doubt – it’s just a mathematical fact. And I can tell you with assurance that this,” –he grabs at his crotch – “is what a woman needs to be satisfied.” He grins slyly. “And you know, women talk. I know what they like and what they don’t. And that little thing you have in your briefs – that’s something they don’t like.” He puts on a woman’s high falsetto, “‘Ah, when are you putting it in? What? You already have? I can’t even feel it!’”

“You motherfucker,” Jihoon says, “just because you’ve spent some time around whores doesn’t mean you know what the fuck you’re talking about, especially when it comes to my dick.”

Lee Myeunggeun, who has already proven himself to be one of the most daring in their unit, interrupts. “Hey, if we’re talking about experience, maybe we should ask the man with the most experience. Top-ssi, what do you think?”

Top – Dongmin knows his name is Choi Seunghyun, but he can’t think of him as anything other than Top – is sitting on the bottom bunk behind Jeong, scribbling away on a pad of paper. He looks up. “What do I think?” he repeats. “I think you’re all a bunch of morons.”

This earns him a round of laughter from the guys, even Jihoon and Jeong. But Jeong won’t let that comment settle things. “Surely you agree, though, that a little pecker like our friend Lee Jihoon has can’t possibly be effective in keeping a woman happy.”

Top rolls his eyes. “I haven’t seen Jihoon’s dick,” he says, “but I pity the partner of anyone who thinks size is the determining factor in satisfaction. What do you think, you just pump away at a hole like a jackrabbit and they’ll love it?” He throws aside his notepad in apparent frustration. “You have to know a person’s body,” he says, slashing his hand down for emphasis. “You have to be skilled. Skill is much, much more important than size.” He sounds genuinely disgusted by their line of thought. “Trust me, a small dick can do way more than a big one if it’s used right.”

“Roll-call prep!” comes the call from the end of the barracks. But even if they didn’t all have to jump up and make sure their uniforms were spotless and their bunks in perfect order at that moment, Dongmin doubts anyone would’ve known what to say: they had all just come to the same realization, though none of them could voice it until the next morning at breakfast.

“So,” says Myeunggeun, leaning in over the table so as not to be overheard. “Big Bang’s big star Top has a small dick.”

They all nod solemnly. Dongmin can’t help but glance across the mess hall to the table where Top and Kim Junsu are eating their breakfast alone at the end of a table. No one has yet tried to sit near them. “His nose is pretty big though,” he says.

“Who knows if it’s real, though. All these idols, they all have plastic surgery,” says Kim Yejun.

“But he’s also tall,” points out Oh Minjun.

“That doesn’t always mean anything,” says Jihoon, who has bounced back just fine from last night’s humiliation, especially now that they all have a new target to discuss.

“Here’s what I don’t understand, though,” says Minjun. “He’s been famous for most of his life, right? Like, most of his adult life I mean. So the majority of the girls he’s fucked, it’s been when he’s this famous idol, right? So you’d think no matter what he’s got, they’d all be like ‘Oh, Oppa, wow, it’s so big’, don’t you think?”

This gives them pause; they all lean back from the table to digest this thought.

“So what you’re saying,” says Jihoon, “is that Top’s dick is so small that all the models and idols and fans he’s fucked haven’t even been able to [i[lie to him about it? Like, he’s undressed and they couldn’t even fake it? They just had to say ‘Oppa, I’m sorry, it’s too small’?”

“Maybe he’s just practical,” reasons Yejun. “Maybe all the girls are nice to him and lie, but it’s small enough that he still knows it’s small. Like, you can look these things up on the internet. Maybe he just measured it one day and realized all those girls had been lying to him.”

“Mmm,” they all murmur, nodding.

“Still, he was so –” Yejun can’t seem to find the right word, but Minjun does. “He was so passionate. Like he was angry at the idea that a small dick wasn’t as good as a big one.”

“Well,” says Myeunggeun, “if you’d put a lot of time and effort into figuring out how to please a woman even though you’ve got a tiny pecker, wouldn’t it annoy you to hear people say you can’t really do it?”

Yejun casts a glance in Top’s direction, and Dongmin can’t help but follow. Top looks ordinary – well, relatively ordinary; he’s still unusually handsome, and it’s odd to see a face he’s seen on billboards and television in real life – the annoyance from last night seems to be gone; his forehead is smooth as he eats his rice. “I bet he gets up to all kinds of freaky shit,” Yejun says. “Big Bang spends a lot of time in Japan, you know. Like that kind of shit. I bet he ate pussy every day before he came here.”

They all laugh, half-disgusted, half-amused. Dongmin is curious what kind of ‘freaky shit’ Top might’ve gotten up to, but he doesn’t want to reveal his naivete to the group by asking Yejun for specifics.

“It is wild, though. That he basically admitted that he’s got a small dick to us,” says Minjun.

“But how small?” says Myeunggeun. “That’s what kills me. I’ve gotta know. He was so mad last night; it must be tiny.”

“Good luck with that,” Dongmin pipes up. “He never showers or changes with the rest of us. You’ve noticed, right? They say he’s really shy about his body.”

“Well, I guess now we know why,” snorts Jihoon.

They laugh as they finish their breakfast.

---

The next development in the mystery of Top’s dick doesn’t come for about a week, but when it does, it’s a bombshell. Dongmin can tell Myeunggeun has something he wants to say; he’s got this tight, excited smile as they change and do morning calisthenics. Myeunggeun rushes through his shower, so Dongmin does too, and he catches up to him at the sinks. “What’s up?” he asks.

Myeunggeun looks around, and Dongmin knows he’s bursting to tell, but he manages to hold it in. “I’ll tell you at breakfast,” he says quietly. “Make sure the other guys sit with us at one of the far tables where no one will overhear.”

Dongmin follows Myeunggeun’s instructions and corrals Yejun, Minjun, and Jihoon to a table at the far end of the mess hall where they don’t have to share with anyone.

Myeunggeun arrives and sets his tray down with a dramatic bang in the spot in the center of their group that they have left open for him. It sends some of his food jumping, but he doesn’t seem to mind. He sits down, grinning, and they all instinctively lean in towards him.

“Well,” Myeunggeun says, “I saw it.”

“Saw what?” Dongmin asks. He’s been waiting too long to deal with Myeunggeun’s theatrics.

“Top’s dick.”

There’s a collective gasp; they all lean back in shock, then closer again for more information. “What?” exclaims Minjun. “How?” asks Yejun. “Well?!” says Jihoon. Myeunggeun laps it up.

He takes a deep breath. “Well. You know how we all suspected that he takes his showers at night?”

They nod. This is the only possible explanation for how Top stays clean, since no one has ever seen him in the locker room. Technically they aren’t supposed to leave their beds between lights out and wake up; Dongmin isn’t sure if Seunghyun’s nighttime showers are evidence of his special treatment as an idol-recruit, or if their superiors don’t actually care what any of them do after 10pm.

“Last night I kept myself awake, waiting, waiting. I had to really strain to listen, because of all you fuckers snoring and farting all night,” Myeunggeun says with a grin. “But finally I heard it. It was unmistakable. The soft, soft sound of feet on the floor and the gentle creak of a trunk being opened. It came from my left, just where Top’s bunk would be. I knew it had to be him.” He pauses, enjoying the drama.

“So what did you do?” asks Yejun.

“I waited. I had to wait, you see, because if I got up right away, he’d notice me following him and go back to bed. But I couldn’t wait too long, because he might shower and dress too quickly and be back in bed before I got up. So I counted. ‘One, mwomwomwo. Two, mwomwomwo. Three, mwomwomwo’ –”

“And?” prompts Dongmin.

“When I judged that enough time had passed, I got up and went towards the locker room. Opening the door was my big gamble – what if he was in one of the center-row showers? What if he saw me right away?”

“But he wasn’t,” supplies Minjun.

“No, he wasn’t. I was lucky. But I could hear a shower turned on to my right. So I crept between the rows of lockers, said my prayers, and stuck my head out to look down the row.”

“And?” It’s Yejun this time.

“He was too far away, and angled away from me. I could see that he was washing his body, you know –” Myeunggeun pantomimes lathering one’s chest and armpits.

“So…” says Jihoon.

“So I had to get closer. I went back around to the lockers and moved as silent as a tiger, until finally I reached a break in aisle where I knew I’d get a better look. But I had to wait. He could see me so easily, right? But ah! I had an idea. When you finish showering and pick up your towel, what’s the first thing you dry off?” He looks at them expectantly waiting for an answer.

“Your face?” Yejun guesses.

“Exactly! So I waited until I heard the water shut off, counted out the seconds for him to reach for his towel, and then quick as a fox I stuck my head out from the lockers and got a look. And just as I’d planned, there he was, not two meters from me, completely naked with a towel covering his face.”

“And?” Jihoon asks.

“And, gentlemen – Top is a mysterious man.” He leans back in his seat, looking around at their wide eyes.

“Lee Myeunggeun, if you drag this out one more second, I’m gonna fucking murder you,” Minjun says.

“Okay, okay,” Myeunggeun relents. “Well, what I saw – it shocked me. Because Top’s dick is not small at all. What I saw last night – fourteen, maybe fifteen centimeters, easy. And that was him in the shower. I bet it’s at least twenty when he gets going.”

“Twenty? Oh, come on,” says Dongmin.

“No, really. I mean, I’m no expert, but it was big.” says Myeunggeun.

“But –” Yejun stutters. “But that doesn’t make any sense. Why would he be so defensive about small cocks if he’s got a big one?”

“Maybe someone told him it was small, and he believed them,” posits Minjun. “I’ve heard he hasn’t had a lot of relationships. Maybe he’s just had one girlfriend all these years and she convinced him it was small to get him to do other stuff she wanted.”

They all think about this for a few moments, then suddenly, “CL!” Jihoon exclaims, slaming his palm on the table. “I bet he’s been dating her. I bet she told him that and got him to do all kinds of things. She seems like that kind of girl.”

“I can’t believe he wouldn’t fuck around, though,” says Yejun. “These idols get pussy thrown at them left and right. How could he not have slept with anyone else? How could no one have told him he’s not small?”

“Maybe they did, and he just didn’t believe them because CL’s got him, like, brainwashed,” says Jihoon.

“Maybe all idols have big dicks,” says Dongmin. “Maybe that’s, like, part of what drives you to become an idol. You have more confidence because of your dick. So maybe he is small compared to other idols.”

“That can’t be,” says Minjun, “they’re still people. There must be a pretty normal range of dick sizes among idols.”

“Well, how else do you explain it?” asks Dongmin. “You were there. You heard how he got. He clearly thinks he’s got a small dick.”

“What do you think?” Minjun asks, nodding towards Myeunggeun, who has been silent since his big reveal.

Myeunggeun grins. “I can only tell you what I saw. All I know is that Choi Seunghyun, the idol known as Top, is a big-dicked enigma.”

Notes

So yeah the ENTIRE reason I wrote this was to imply that Seunghyun was defending Jiyong's honor and the ability of his modestly-sized dick to bring Seunghyun to orgasm on the occasion(s) that Jiyong's topped. (Which is canon; see the lyrics to "Girlfriend" specifically TOP: You're inside me / GD: I'm inside you :))))) I'm sorry if it wasn't very entertaining because I feel like it probably wasn't but I cackled for a long time thinking about this so I just had to write it.

* When Myeunggeun's counting and he says "one mwomwomwo" etc, I don't think that's actually accurate, but that's the best I could find as a filler word in Korean, the way in English we count "one Mississippi" or "one banana" or what-have-you.
** Myeunggeun's estimations of the size of Seunghyun's dick are not necessarily my estimations of the size of Seunghyun's dick...Myeunggeun's just a storyteller so he's liable to exaggerate. :)