When You Struggle
chapter two
The boys were driving back to their hotel when Namjoon heard the distressing news for the first time. He had been dozing in and out of sleep when Jimin’s exclamation woke him up “yah! Haneul from ICON is having a baby!” He could feel his heart practically come to a halt at that moment. He knew that his bandmates were fans of the girl group but he had been keeping quiet about the relationship he had with Haneul ever since the both of them had made their debuts. Neither wanted to cause trouble for the other in the early days of their careers so they agreed that the best way to not cause a scandal would be to not say anything to anyone, their bandmates included.
Slowly turning around to face his dongsaeng, Namjoon spoke his disbelief over the situation, “It’s probably just some crazed fan trying to start drama.”
“No, look there is even a picture” with that the younger shoved his phone at Namjoon displaying the picture of the girl in sweatpants and a sports bra. She was obviously in the process of covering herself as the picture was slightly blurry from her movement, despite the blurred bits of the picture one could clearly make out the definition of a bump on her belly. He could feel his eyes go wide and a slight cold sweat broke out across his brow. Giving a nervous chuckle he gave the phone back to Jimin who was already starting to show it off to the others “It probably is just a mistake you guys shouldn’t feed into that kind of stuff.”
Even though Namjoon’s words were that of disbelief he still found himself reaching for his cell phone to shoot a text to his longtime friend. As the others clucked away in the backseats of the car, Namjoon glued his eyes out the window trying not to break his phone with his tight grip as he waited for the reply that was not coming. Once at the hotel he separated himself from the others so that he could call Haneul seeing as she was not answering her texts. It went to voice mail so he left a brief message questioning what was going on and then called back, he must have listened to the ring a thousand times before finally the phone started going straight to voicemail as Haneul had either turned off her phone of it had died.
Knowing there was nothing he could do at that point he rejoined the boys after plugging in his phone and turning up the volume on it. For the rest of the night he was very unreceptive to the antics of those around him, he simply had more important things on his mind. The others had noticed this and began to question him but he soon squelched their curiosity by telling everyone it was time to get to sleep, something he knew he would be getting very little of.
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Haneul shut herself in her room the moment they got back to the dorms, she felt sick to her stomach and she was extremely embarrassed. She hated the feeling of not being in control of her life and the events that unfolded that day were making her feel as if her life had spiraled out of her hands. Stepping away from the door she went to head towards her bed but stopped when she caught her reflection in the floor length mirror on her wall. She stepped closer to it and lifted her shirt over her head, dropping it to the ground, she turned side to side examining her stomach. She could now see why people thought she was carrying another being in her, especially with the appearance of her bloated belly. Suddenly she was thinking of the calories she consumed today and if she had worked those off during dance practice. She knew she didn’t, she could feel the ugly lump of the ham sandwich she ate for lunch sitting in her stomach, she tried to push on it hoping it would go away and when it did not she turned away from the mirror and turned on some music to block out the sounds from her room. She then proceeded to the bathroom where she shoved her fingers down her throat and threw up what was left in her stomach. This wasn’t the first time Hanuel had resorted to such actions but it did make her more tired than it usually did, probably do to the fact that she hadn’t done it in so long. She couldn’t rest just yet though, she still had calories that she needed to burn so she exited the bathroom and pulled out her yoga mat, spreading it across the floor as she began her strict workout regimen.
After a two and half hours of sweating, she finally climbed into the shower where she stood under the blazing hot water for a couple of seconds before she felt the compelling need to do squats and keep her body moving. She knew she should stop but she couldn’t help it, her brain had gone into overdrive and she was doing the only thing she could. When she finally finished in the shower she redressed and began to pace the length of her room, shame swept over her as she thought about what she had just done. Hanuel had been doing very good as of late and although she wasn’t back to her regular healthy weight she was gaining back some of the pounds she had lost since her last relapse, that was obviously out the window now though because even as she had these thoughts she couldn’t calm her body enough to relax.
