If You

The next few days were tense. Jiyong and Seunghyun had taken Youngbae somewhere to detox before the tour, taking turns going to stay with him so Sagowa didn’t get suspicious. In an effort to seem normal, Emily hung out with the boys regularly, trying to enjoy the free time. Every time she saw Jiyong he seemed to silently beg her for a chance to explain, justify himself, something, but Emily never gave him the chance. She knew she was being petty, but she was still angry and that outweighed all else.

After four days of that misery, Emily picked Daesung up from the studio for a late dinner. The others were busy, making this the first time they would be alone together, something Daesung kept reminding her of. “This is like our first date,” he teased, sprawling comfortably in the back of the cab. Emily was making notes in her notebook, until Daesung put his feet in her lap. She raised an eyebrow at him and he grinned cheekily. “You’re pretty touchy-feely for a first date,” she returned, yanking her notebook from under his shoes. “Most guys wait until the fourth date before using their date as a footstool.”

“Ah, but you’re not like other girls. You’re special,” he returned, folding his hands behind his head.

“If anyone’s special it’s you,” she shot back. Daesung was incorrigibly flirtatious, and Emily was enjoying herself in spite of her lingering anger. They ate at a tiny Thai place, Emily rolling her eyes at Daesung’s complicated order. “You’re worse than a girl,” she said flatly, handing the menus back to the waiter.

“Not true! I’m simply a man who knows exactly what he wants, and can afford to have it,” Daesung sniffed, sipping his water daintily. Emily started giggling, her face turning red. “What?” he asked, wiping his mouth crisply.

“You’re just so prissy! I’ve never seen anything like it!” she choked out between chuckles. Daesung folded his arms, trying to look offended, but he couldn’t resist the joke and soon they were both laughing.

They walked down the street to their favorite ice cream place, a brightly lit place shining with sleek granite and chrome. The staff knew them well, making their usual order before they were even at the counter. “Jiyong said that Youngbae’s starting to come out of it,” Daesung said in a low voice, accepting his ice cream from the cashier. Emily felt some of her heaviness return. “I’m glad,” she said, grabbing spoons from a nearby box. She handed one to Daesung and began stabbing her sundae repeatedly.

“What did the ice cream do, steal your boyfriend?” Daesung teased. They sat down at a small table by the window and Emily stared out into the illuminated street, biting her lip absently. “Hey,” Daesung prodded, nudging her with his foot. Emily blinked and looked back at him. “Sorry, I was thinking,” she said, digging into her ice cream.

“Look, I know you and Jiyong haven’t ever gotten along,” he said around a mouthful of ice cream, “but for a hot second it seemed like something was happening the night...you know,” he said, jerking his head. “Anyway, now you’re the angry one and he’s tiptoeing around you like you’re a bomb. What happened?”

Emily shook her head. “It’s nothing,” she said, shoveling in more ice cream. “It’s between us.”

Daesung’s mouth fell open. “Wait, do you have a crush on him?”

Emily spat a large bite of ice cream across the table. It landed on Daesung’s jacket, flecks of vanilla ice cream speckling the grey fabric. “Sorry,” she said, handing him a stack of napkins. Daesung pursed his lips and began wiping himself off. “Guess that answers my question,” he mumbled, tossing the used napkins onto the table.

“Just because I’m mad at him doesn’t mean I like him,” Emily said, folding her arms.

“That’s always what it means when a girl’s mad for no reason,” Daesung said.

“That’s not true!” Emily protested. “I have good reason to be mad.”

“Like what?” Daesung challenged.

Emily looked out the window again. “That’s private,” she muttered.

“Ha! You do like him,” Daesung said, grinning triumphantly.

Emily sighed. “Fine, believe that if you want,” she said, finishing her ice cream. “But let the record show that I don’t have a crush on Jiyong.”

“We’ll see,” he said, returning to his dessert. “But if you’re going to leave me for another man, try to let me down gently. I have delicate feelings.”

Emily threw her spoon at him and he caught it deftly, laughing. Maybe I should talk to Jiyong, she thought reluctantly.


* * * * * *


The next day Emily went to the penthouse, knocking on the door tentatively. “Guys? It’s Emily,” she said loudly.

Jiyong answered the door, surprised. “Is something wrong?” he asked cautiously, letting her in.
Emily shook her head. “Is anyone else here?” she asked quietly, looking around.

“Seunghyun’s asleep in his room, but otherwise we’re alone,” he replied. “Is there something you wanted to talk about?”

“I...lost my temper the other day, and I didn’t give you a chance to respond. I’m ready to hear your side, if you’re willing to tell me.”

They sat in the living room on opposite ends of the couch, the silence ringing in Emily’s ears. Jiyong was wearing a designer sweatshirt and matching athletic pants, and his now-blonde hair was sticking up in odd directions.

“Were you sleeping? I’m sorry if I woke you. I can come back later,” Emily offered.

“No,” Jiyong said quickly. “It’s good that you came. I was beginning to think we’d be like this forever.”

Emily smiled. We. He really is trying.

Jiyong took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair, making it more crazy. “I had a feeling that Youngbae was up to something a couple of years ago,” he began in a low voice. “It took me months to accept it enough to go through his stuff. I found the pills in a vitamins bottle in his nightstand. I confronted him, threatened to tell Sagowa unless he stopped using.”

“You threatened to tell Sagowa?” Emily interrupted. “What about BIGBANG?”

“Nothing’s more important than my friends, not even BIGBANG,” Jiyong said adamantly. “I’m not some selfish, greedy band leader. I would rather the band break up and all of us live long, healthy lives, than be the most successful group in the world and kill ourselves in the process.”

Emily nodded. “Then what?”

“Youngbae convinced me not to tell anyone, promising to quit taking the pills. I did a few random searches over the next few months, and when I didn’t find anything I assumed Youngbae had kept his promise.” Jiyong rubbed his eyes tiredly. “He must have just started keeping them elsewhere.”

Emily felt her anger slowly give way to sympathy as she listened. He really didn’t know, she realized.

“He started going out at night and coming back late, or even the next day. I thought maybe he finally had a girlfriend, or was out at the clubs, so I ignored it unless it interfered with BIGBANG stuff. But over the last several weeks, since you came to Seoul, he started going out more and more and coming home later and later. I was so wrapped up in…” he stopped, embarrassment coloring his cheeks.

“Disliking me,” Emily finished, giving a wry smile. Jiyong nodded. “I was so caught up in my own drama I wasn’t paying attention to Youngbae. Then last week happened and it finally all made sense.” He let out a snort, pulling his knees to his chest. “I can’t believe I was such a jerk,” he said, looking at Emily. “I’m sorry.”

Emily raised an eyebrow. “Who are you and what have you done with Jiyong?”

Jiyong laughed, resting his chin on his knees. “So does that mean we’re finally okay?” he asked. Emily smiled. “Yeah. Now we can finally do this.” She turned her body towards him and held out her hand. “Hi, I’m Emily Carter. It’s nice to meet you.”

Jiyong smiled ruefully. “I’m Kwon Jiyong,” he said, shaking her hand firmly. “Nice to meet you too.”

Notes