If You

Emily knocked on the door softly. “Mrs. Lee?” she called. “It's Emily Carter.”

The door cracked open and an older woman peered out. “So,” she said in a clipped voice, “you're the one.”

“Mrs. Lee, I'm so sorry for what happened,” Emily replied. “For what it's worth, you're very lucky to have such a brave and selfless son.”

This seemed to soften her slightly and she stepped back, letting Emily into the house. “He's on the deck,” she said, nodding at the door. Emily bowed deeply and crossed the room to the other door.

The deck jutted over a large pond that glittered in the sunlight like molten silver, lapping the banks rhythmically. Seungri was facing away from her, leaning on the railing as he looked up at the sky.

“Practicing for your next close-up?” Emily teased. Seungri spun around immediately. “Emily!” he exclaimed, giving her a huge grin. His left arm was encased in a sling, but he managed to envelop her in a hug anyway. “How was your trip?” he asked.

“Interesting,” Emily replied, releasing him gently. “Impressions were made on both sides, though I'm not sure my family made a good one.”

“I heard,” Seungri said, leaning against the railing. “Did he really ask if our music was in-”

“Japanese, yeah,” Emily groaned. “Mattie's lucky to be alive after that.”

“Well, some of our music is in Japanese, so technically-”

Emily smacked his good arm and he laughed, though she could see his mom looking at her disapprovingly through the window. Seungri looked up at her and she closed the curtain abruptly. “Don't mind her, she's just tired,” he said lightly.

“She's upset with me, and for good reason,” Emily countered. “I nearly caused her to lose her son.” She turned back to the water. “Neither of us will ever forgive me,” she whispered.

“Hey, last I checked it was Jihae that stabbed me, not you,” he chided. “The only thing I'll never forgive you for is eating my leftovers on the plane to China.”

Emily grinned in spite of herself. “Oh, I almost forgot,” she said, digging around her purse, “I got you these in Nashville.” She handed him a pair of white sunglasses and Seungri held them up excitedly. “Hard Rock Cafe,” he read slowly.

“I wanted to get you something touristy, but also something useful,” she said with a smile. Seungri grinned again. “I love them,” he pronounced, trying to unfold them without success. Emily helped him slide the sunglasses onto his face and he struck a dramatic pose. “What do you think?” he asked, scrunching his nose slightly. “Do they make me look sophisticated?”

“Not even by Nashville standards,” Emily said truthfully, making him laugh again. “So, what else is going on?” he asked, pushing the sunglasses up onto his head.

“What do you mean, what else? I just came to check on your recovery,” she insisted. Seungri raised an eyebrow and she sighed. “Okay, okay,” she admitted, “but not a word to the others yet.”

“Yeah, because keeping secrets from the others has worked so well in the past,” he said pointedly. Emily rolled her eyes. “Fine, I won't tell you,” she sniffed.

“Okay, okay,” he relented. “Just tell me.”

Emily told him about the email from Lisa and his carefree expression faded away. “You're leaving?” he asked. “When?”

Emily shrugged. “I'm not sure,” she confessed. “The final draft of the book will be done in a few months and there won't be any need for me to stay in Korea.”

“There's every need!” Seungri said, taking her hand. “Who's… who’s going to bake cookies for us?”

“Is that all I am to you?” Emily teased gently. Seungri shook his head. “You know it's not,” he said, “especially to Jiyong. This will crush him.”

“I know that!” Emily said, pulling her hand away. “Why do you think I haven't told him? Do you think I want to leave?” Her lip trembled and she gathered herself again. “Honestly, I can't imagine my life without you guys,” she said, looking down at her feet. “But I can't imagine it without my work either.”

Seungri put his hand on her shoulder. “There's got to be a way,” he insisted. “We'll find it, you'll see.”

Emily nodded wordlessly and looked out over the water.

“When will you tell Jiyong?” he asked. Emily sighed. “Tonight,” she murmured. “I'll tell him tonight.”


******


Jiyong was staring out the window when he heard a light tap on the door. “Come in,” he called. He saw Emily's reflection in the window and he turned around immediately. “How was your visit?” he asked.

“Good, though Seungri's mom is understandably upset with me,” she said, folding her arms. She opened her mouth to continue, then seemed to change her mind.

“Is something up?” he asked, sitting on the bed. “You don't usually stop by this late.”

“I know, I'm sorry,” she said immediately, putting her hand on the door knob. “We can talk tomorrow.”

“No, that's not what I meant,” Jiyong said quickly. “You know I'm always up late anyway.” He patted the bed beside him, but she didn't come over. This isn't good. “What's wrong?” he asked.

Emily handed him her phone and he took it. “What is this?” he asked.

“Just read it,” she said quietly. Jiyong looked back at the screen. “Dear Emily,” he read, “I just wanted to say that you're doing incredible work over there. The book is coming along great, and it looks like it should be finished by Christmas. I think it's time to discuss your next...” he trailed off as he realized what he was reading. He scanned the rest silently, then looked up. “I don't understand,” he whispered.

“It means I'm leaving,” she said quietly. “Four months, maybe less.”

Jiyong stood up, running his fingers through his hair while he tried to comprehend what was happening. “So that's it?” he asked. “You're just leaving? What about us? What about the others? How are we… how am I…” he felt tears well up and he squeezed his eyes shut. I cannot cry right now, he told himself. “What will we do?” he asked, turning back around.

Emily shrugged, obviously fighting back tears herself. “I don't know,” she whispered. “I really don't know.”

Jiyong faced the window, trying to gather his thoughts. There's got to be a way, he thought determinedly. After everything we've been through, there's got to be a way.

The door opened and closed and he whirled around. “Emily?” he called, following her into the hallway. He could hear running footsteps, then the front door slammed shut. She must think I'm angry, he thought desperately. Daesung and Seunghyun poked their heads into the hallway and Jiyong just turned and went back into his bedroom. He threw himself on the bed and stared at the ceiling until morning came.


******


Emily arrived at the photo shoot early, notebook in hand as she found her way to the set. She shook hands with the photographer and his crew, but all she could think about was her conversation with Jiyong the night before. What are we going to do? she thought repeatedly. What are we going to do? She wanted to go to him and cry into his shirt, but she couldn't shed any more tears after the last several weeks. I've got to stay strong, she told herself, for both of us.

After half an hour Jiyong came in, looking razor sharp in a grey suit and designer dress shoes. The jewelry rep selected several pieces for him to model and helped place them on his hands and neck. Emily hung back, trying to figure out how to approach him, but then he was on set and the shoot began.

Even with all her worries, she felt a strong sense of pride in him and how handsome he looked on set. She admired the way he could command the entire room with just one look, one flick of the eyes or one little smirk. She let her notebook drift to her side as she watched him, enjoying the moment.

Suddenly his eyes locked with hers and her heart skipped. The expression in his eyes changed and he looked down, trying to regain his composure.

“You alright, Jiyong?” the photographer called. Jiyong nodded and looked up, his face calm again.

“Can we see the rings now?” the photographer asked.

Jiyong held his hand near his face, but it was trembling so badly he dropped it again. “Sorry,” he muttered. Emily took an unconscious step forward and he looked at her again. “I'm sorry,” he repeated, and he walked off the set abruptly. Everyone started murmuring confusedly and Emily's heart fell. “Uh, take five, everyone,” the photographer said, shrugging one shoulder.

Emily slipped down the hallway to Jiyong's dressing room, trying not to draw any attention to herself. She went to knock, but the door was standing open slightly and she could see Jiyong leaning on his makeup counter, sobbing breathlessly. Emily closed the door silently and put her arms around him, holding him tightly as he leaned into her. “It's okay,” she whispered, rubbing his back gently. “It's going to be okay.”

He took a shuddering breath. “I'm sorry,” he whispered. “I don't know what to do.”

“I do,” Emily replied, pulling away to look at him. “We're going to tidy up your makeup and you're going to shoot a flawless ad. Then,” she continued, grabbing a compact off of the counter, “we're going to go home and catch up on our TV shows.”

She erased where his eyeliner had smudged with a tissue and powdered away the tear tracks.

“I didn't mean to-”

“I know,” she forestalled him, snapping the compact shut. “You've been through a lot over the last few weeks,” she said gently, “and done nothing but take care of everyone else since. Now I'm going to take care of you.” She touched her forehead to his. “And we're going to figure this out,” she promised, looking up at him.

He took a deep breath and managed a small smile. “Thank you,” he whispered, staying a few more seconds before heading back out to the set. Emily set the compact back onto the counter and looked at her reflection in the mirror. We're going to figure this out, she told herself.


******


Jiyong sat cross-legged on the couch, his songbook perched on his knee as he stared at the floor. He'd hoped that songwriting would help center him, but all he'd written so far was a list of song titles that had been immediately scratched out.

“What's your plan?” Youngbae asked, leaning over the back of the couch. Jiyong shrugged. “I don't know,” he mumbled. “My options aren't great.”

“What options?” Daesung asked, sliding into the room in his sock feet. “Are you gonna ask her to stay?”

“I can't do that,” Jiyong retorted. “She's got a huge career as a writer and I can't ask her to give it up to live here.”

“Couldn't she get another assignment in Seoul?” Seunghyun asked, entering the room. “There's bound to be other companies who'd want to hire her. YG even might keep her on if she asked.”

“She's already been living here for almost a year,” Jiyong replied. “Maybe she doesn't want to stay.”

“Did you ask her?” Youngbae prodded.

“No, but-”

“Then ask!” he interrupted. “You're just going to drive yourself crazy until you do.”

“It's not that simple, Youngbae!” Jiyong insisted. “There are… other variables.”

Seunghyun sat across from him. “It came today, didn't it?” he asked quietly. Jiyong nodded and Seunghyun sighed. “Look, you still have a year,” he began.

“I can't ask that of her!” Jiyong said stubbornly. “I don't know if she would even understand.”

“So what, were you planning on breaking up with her before you left?” Daesung asked. “You need to talk to her about this.”

Jiyong rubbed his eyes tiredly. “Look, we just need a few normal weeks,” he said. “I haven't felt like myself in forever, and I need some time to get back to normal.”

The others nodded. “Okay,” Seunghyun agreed. “Just don't wait too long.”

Jiyong got up and headed down the hallway, Youngbae on his heels. “What about the other thing?” he whispered. “Did you talk to her dad?”

Jiyong groaned. “Yeah, but I'm not sure if-”

“Look, I know it's a huge decision, but maybe it's worth considering,” Youngbae said. “It wouldn't solve everything, but if you're serious-”

“Goodnight, Youngbae,” Jiyong said, going into his room and closing the door soundly. He leaned against the door, trying to curb the pounding in his head. What am I going to do?

Notes