If You

Jiyong sat in the hallway near the operating room, waiting for Seungri to come out of surgery. The others had gone to grab coffee, but he couldn't bring himself to leave. It had been hours since they arrived at the hospital and he was still trembling. Please don't let him die, he prayed.

Youngbae came in and sat beside him. “Here,” he said, handing him a coffee.

“Thanks,” Jiyong sighed, taking a large sip. “I still can't believe-”

“I know,” Youngbae agreed.

“It was stupid of me to bring her out into the open like that,” he said savagely. “If Seungri hadn't pushed her-”

“That's not helping,” Seunghyun reminded him. “Emily's fine, which is the only good thing about this.”

“Where is she anyway?” Daesung asked, sitting beside Seunghyun. “I thought we might bump into her on our way to the cafeteria, but apparently no one's seen her.”

A chill went up Jiyong's spine. “What do you mean, no one's seen her?” he demanded. “She must be here somewhere.”

“I'll call her,” Seunghyun said placatingly, pulling out his phone. It rang for several tense seconds, then Seunghyun frowned. “That's odd.”

“I'm calling Sagowa,” Jiyong decided. After one ring Sagowa picked up. “Any change?” he asked.

“No, but that's not why I'm calling. Have you seen Emily?”

There was a pause. “Not since the hotel. I assumed she was with you.”

Jiyong groaned. “And I was hoping she was with you,” he said. “Isn't she here?”

“I'll find out,” Sagowa promised, and the line went silent for a while. No one said anything as they waited, but Youngbae put a comforting hand on Jiyong's shoulder. Finally Sagowa came back to the phone. “I don't know how this happened, but apparently Emily wasn't allowed to come to the hospital.”

“What?!” Jiyong yelled. “Why?!”

“With all the new security, a lot of people assumed she was just another staff member. They wouldn't even tell her which hospital it was.”

“So you're telling me that she's alone somewhere in the city after someone tried to kill her?!”

“I'm so-”

“Find out exactly who told her that and fire them!” Jiyong ordered. “We'll find Emily.” He hung up and stood angrily. “I can't believe this!” he barked.

“Jiyong, we're in a hospital,” Seunghyun reminded him. “Let's focus on finding Emily. We should try calling again.”

“I've tried three times,” Daesung said, his phone to his ear. “She's not answering.”

Jiyong felt unsteady and he braced himself against the wall. “I can't…” he paused, tears pricking his eyes. Youngbae stood up immediately. “Think, guys: where would Emily have gone? Her apartment?”

“The penthouse?” Daesung guessed. “YG?”

Youngbae nodded approvingly. “Let's call those places and see if she ended up there.” He turned to Jiyong as the others got on their phones. “Breathe,” he whispered.

“If something happens to her too-” Jiyong paused, a tear racing down his cheek. “I can't lose both of them,” he whispered.

“We're not losing anyone,” Youngbae said firmly. “Seungri will recover and we'll find Emily. I promise.”


******


Emily's legs ached terribly. She'd been walking for hours, wandering the city aimlessly. It was getting late and the area was a little rough, so she went into the first door she saw and found herself in a small convenience store. The cashier, an ancient man with thick glasses, glanced at her as she came in, but Emily ignored him and walked down the nearest aisle. She perused the snack section idly, then went to the cooler. On an impulse she grabbed a six pack of beer, not even looking at the brand as she hauled it to the front. She set it on the counter and pulled out her wallet.

“Emily Carter?”

Emily glanced up at the cashier. “How did-”

He pulled out a magazine and pointed to the cover. “This is you, right?” he asked, pointing to the picture of her and Jiyong. “I may be old, but I keep up with things.”

Emily took one look at the magazine and burst into tears. She buried her face in her hands, trying to pull herself together when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked up and made eye contact with the cashier as he patted her comfortingly. “Come, I'll give you something better than beer,” he said, gesturing for her to follow him. They went into a tiny storeroom and the man retrieved a small bottle from one of the shelves. “My personal stash,” he said, winking at her. He grabbed two paper cups and filled them, handing one to Emily. “My grandmother always said that sake tasted best mixed with tears,” he said, toasting her before taking a drink. Emily followed suit, wrinkling her nose slightly. “I don't normally drink,” she admitted.

“Then why did you want the beer?”

Emily didn't know how to respond, so she just took another drink.

“People only drink to forget,” the cashier said. “The difference is whether they intended to forget or not.” He took a step toward her. “What are you trying to forget?” he asked gently. Emily shook her head. “I don't know. Myself, I guess.”

“And your friends? Have they forgotten you?”

“I don't know,” Emily shrugged. “I just… one of them is hurt because of me. He might even be dead. I can't bring them any more pain.”

“Pain is a part of life,” the cashier said gently. “You can't live in fear of pain. But when you heal a wound, it makes the whole body stronger.” He smiled at her. “You can heal this wound too.”

He finished his drink and tossed the cup into a nearby trash can. “I can't offer much, but there's a folding cot in the closet that my grandson keeps here. You can stay here and rest, or I can call you a taxi.”

“Thank you,” Emily said, bowing. “That's kind of you.”

The cashier nodded. “I'll be here all night, so if you need anything, you know where to find me.”

He left the room and Emily downed the rest of her sake before going to the closet. She found the cot and some bedding and set it up in the corner. She kicked her shoes off, pulled the blanket over her and was asleep.


******


Jiyong took a deep breath. “Okay, so she's not at the apartment, the penthouse, YG, or any of our normal hangouts,” he said tiredly.

“What if she left Seoul?” Daesung wondered aloud. “What if she left Korea altogether?”

“The landlord saw her leave her apartment, but she didn't have any bags with her,” Seunghyun pointed out. “Plus he said she was on foot. That means she can't be far.”

“She probably just wants to be alone,” Youngbae reasoned. “She's been through so much over the last few months, it's a miracle she's held together this long.”

Jiyong sighed. “Maybe,” he said reluctantly. “Right now we have to be here for Seungri. The doctor said once he's out of surgery he'll be unconscious for a while. Why don't you three go home and sleep? I'll stay until the morning and we can trade up then.”

“Let me stay,” Daesung volunteered. “You look ready to collapse.” Jiyong shook his head. “I'd only pace the living room,” he said. “Go home.”

They left and Jiyong's watch began. He paced up and down the hallway, drinking his coffee absently as the minutes dragged by. Please don't let him die, he prayed again.


******


Emily woke and for a moment she couldn't remember where she was. She sat up and slowly her memory started to come back. She still felt sad and worried, but she realized she was finally ready to go home. After pulling her shoes on and putting the cot away she emerged from the storeroom, running her fingers through her tousled hair. The cashier was at the counter restocking the cigarettes and he looked up as she came over. “You look a little braver now,” he said, locking the tobacco cabinet.

“I'm ready,” Emily said. “Thank you for your generous hospitality.”

The cashier nodded. “I'll call you a taxi,” he said, picking up the phone. Fifteen minutes later a silver car pulled up outside the convenience store and honked once. Emily turned to the cashier. “You've been so kind to me, and I don't even know your name,” she said softly.

“Go Jin,” he replied, bowing. He pulled a bottle of sake out from under the counter. “A gift,” he said, giving it to her, “to mix with your tears.”

Emily took the bottle and on an impulse she hugged him. “Thank you,” she whispered. Go Jin patted her on the back. “Don't keep your taxi waiting,” he said.

Emily left the store and climbed into the taxi, holding the bottle of sake close to her chest. She gave directions to her apartment and laid back, watching the convenience store disappear into the distance.

She finally arrived at her apartment and she paid the driver, giving him a good tip for his trouble. She took a long look at the YG ENTERTAINMENT building before going inside.

The hallway leading to her apartment was dark, but she thought she could see someone sitting against the wall by her door. She felt a stab of fear and crept forward cautiously. She was ready to tackle the person when she recognized the hoodie he was wearing and she sighed. “Daesung,” she said. He didn't move, his head bent low. He's asleep, she realized. She nudged him with her foot and he jumped, looking around wildly. “Emily!” he exclaimed, getting up quickly.

“Have you been here long?” she asked, unlocking her door.

“I was worried about you,” he said, following her inside. “We all were.”

“How's Seungri?” she asked, tossing her keys onto the kitchen counter. Daesung shrugged. “There's no news yet. He was in surgery when we left the hospital.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “What happened to you?”

Emily sat heavily on the couch. “I just… walked,” she said. “I didn't know what to do, so I just kept moving.”

“Jiyong's furious with whoever refused to tell you what hospital we were at,” Daesung said. “He's still up there now.”

“And the others?” she asked.

“At home, sleeping.”

“But not you.”

Daesung shrugged. “We called a lot of places looking for you, but no one had seen you since you left your apartment. I just… wanted to make sure you came back.”

Emily sat up slightly. “Of course I came back,” she said softly. “I'm sorry I worried you. It was selfish of me.”

“Hey, if it had been me I would be in another country by now,” Daesung said lightly, making Emily smile. “What hospital is Seungri at?” she asked, getting up.

“The Asan Medical Center. I can take you in the morning,” he offered. Emily shook her head. “Thanks, but I'm gonna go up there now.”

“Now?” Daesung echoed. “Shouldn't you sleep first?”

Emily smiled to herself. “Don't worry about that,” she said. “You stay and get some rest. I need to be there.”

She went to her bedroom and pulled out a duffel bag. She packed blankets and a pillow, along with some headphones and a toothbrush. After grabbing some snacks from the kitchen she zipped up the bag and slung it over her shoulder. Daesung was standing by the couch, yawning widely. He must have waited outside for hours, Emily thought. She felt a rush of tenderness and pulled him into a hug. “Thank you for being here,” she whispered. “I'll see you later.” She left the apartment and flagged down a taxi, giving directions to the hospital.

The Asan Medical Center was an enormous gleaming edifice bustling with activity, even at such an early hour. Emily walked into the main lobby and before she could blink Sagowa came running out of a waiting room. “Emily!” he called, waving at her. He skidded to a stop and grabbed her by the shoulders. “Thank goodness you're safe,” he said, hugging her. Emily was slightly taken aback by his outburst, but she just patted his back gently. “How did you know I was here?” she asked.

“Daesung texted me. Jiyong's in the surgery waiting room upstairs. Do you want me to take you?”

Emily nodded and they headed for the elevators. “Is there any news?” she asked as they got in. Sagowa pushed a button and the doors closed. “Not yet,” he replied, “though he seems to be out of immediate danger. We'll know more once he's out of surgery.”

The doors opened and Emily stepped out. “Aren't you coming?” she asked.

“I'll come later,” he said, pressing the button again. “He's down the hall.”

Emily walked down the wide hallway, peeking into the different rooms as she passed. She finally found the waiting room and opened the door gently. The room was dim and almost deserted, lit by tiny lamps around the room. She saw Jiyong huddled in the corner, his head against the wall as he stared at the floor. He didn't move as she came in, so she walked up and knelt in front of him. “Hey,” she whispered, taking his hand gently. He looked up at her and sighed with relief. “Thank God,” he breathed, hugging her tightly. “I was so worried.”

“I know,” she replied. “I'm sorry.”

He pulled back suddenly. “None of this is your fault,” he said sternly, putting a hand on her face. “Do you hear me? None of it.”

“Let's not talk about that now,” she said soothingly. “Have you slept?”

Jiyong shook his head. “I can't sleep. I have to be awake when the doctor comes.”

“That could be hours from now,” Emily replied. “You need to sleep.” She looked around the room and frowned. “There's nothing close to a bed here, but we'll make do,” she said, sitting beside him and unzipping her bag. She pulled out the bedding and laid the pillow in her lap. “I'll stay awake,” she promised, patting the pillow enticingly. Jiyong relented and laid down, resting his head on her lap. Emily draped the blanket over him and stroked his hair gently. She felt his body slowly relax and his breathing deepen and she sighed. He's asleep for once, she thought, continuing to stroke his hair. I just wish I knew what he'll wake up to.

Notes