I realize my mistake as soon as I shut the door behind me. Why did I come upstairs? I press my back against the door and thump my head lightly against it.

“You’re really an idiot…” I tell myself aloud. I look around the fairly empty room and realize that I can just take that last outfit from out of the closet and I’ll get going. I might have made an utter ass of myself by coming back upstairs instead of walking out the front door, but I’ll just steal these clothes and I’ll be gone for real. Poof. I’ll vanish. Never to be seen again.

Problem solved.

I push myself off the door and walk towards the closet. The anger that I had had before, has worn off just a bit, but because of my pride I refuse to walk out of here without making a fuss. I stomp around and murmur angrily under my breath. “Fucking Tao. Tricking me here. Thought he was my friend. Bitch ass trying to sell me out too. What kind of looney bin is this place? Some kind of cult this is. Suburban ass house. Go in to the castle? Who does he take me for? A lost princess or something…” my mumbling continues on as I rummage around the room for more stuff to take before escaping.

Maybe I’m stalling.

The door to the room creaks open and I freeze. My hand stops right as I find myself reaching in to the dresser drawer. I wait anxiously for the intruder to say something.

“I never told you much about my own life before we met, right? Well, there was a reason that I didn’t…I didn’t want you to pity me, or to treat me like a charity case. I was chased out of my home after my mom died. We lived in a part of the area far outside of the city. There were humans and their kind. When she died, they were going to sell me off to some woman across the world, and my dad tried to kill me to spare me from being sold in to slavery like the other motherless human boys in our community.” The voice belongs to Tao and he is somber. Serious and more emotional than I’ve ever heard him. And I’ve heard him get emotional before. He is suddenly divulging in his life story, why now?

“I ran away and wandered around the capital city… I was alone, starving, and depressed. I didn’t know where I was and I didn’t have anyone who cared about me anymore. I felt useless. I was on the brink of killing myself, I had fully embraced the idea of my own death, but then Kris found me…” his voice cracks and I feel my own heart crack with it. He really hasn’t told me about his life. Whenever I asked, he managed to change the conversation. He would worry more about my safety than his own since he said that he was happy and safe where he was. Hearing him open up so suddenly has shocked me, and I don’t know how to respond.

“He took care of me,” he goes on “and before I knew it I was living here with him and my other new brothers.” He sniffles. “I really didn’t bring you here with any bad intentions. I’ve wanted to bring it up to you before, b-but I knew that you’d react negatively. Kris he-he told me it was fine to let you live here nearly 2 years ago, but I was afraid to bring it up. I was scared you’d close me out and run away like you’re doing right now, and I’m selfish and I don’t want you to go. Please, June don’t go.” Tears have started to gather and drip from my eyes and I cover my mouth with the hand not in the drawer to keep from letting out any involuntary sounds. “I care for you more than myself and I might die if you go away and I don’t know that you’re alright. You’re the most important person to me, and I know I don’t tell you that enough, but you are. It’s so selfish, and I don’t care, but I can’t live without you.

“I know you don’t trust Kris…and I know you hate me right now…but please don’t leave yet. You don’t even have to forgive me…but don’t run away until you’re feeling better. I don’t want you to go at all, but I…understand if you still want to. I’m sorry for everything, June, I really am. But if you do still trust me, you should know you can trust Kris. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt you…” he says. He sniffles again and I find my heart breaking at how hurt he sounds by my attempt to leave and how much he seems to adore the man downstairs. “I’ll go…but if you do decide to leave, I want you know that you’ve always been my best friend and I only did what I thought was best for you…I uh- I love you June. Really. I don’t want you to just vanish, you mean the world to me, you know. If you want to go, I’ll understand…just don’t go without saying goodbye…” He lets his words settle before he walks out of the room and closes the door behind him softly.

I sit on my butt and pull at the strands of hair on my head. I hate him. I really do. He’s so inconsiderate, and selfish, and narcissistic, and God I want to punch him in the face sometimes. But he’s never done anything that would put me in harm’s way.

Not once has he done anything other than care for me. He might act like a self-important child, but he has always put my wants and needs before his own and I can’t pretend that he hasn’t. I want so badly to ignore what he said and to disappear. I need to run away. I don’t think I could stay here in the house of a mutt and pretend to be okay with it. I want to leave. I stand up and slam the lamp from on the table to the ground, it shatters into various sized pieces of glass. I fall back next to the shard as the angry tears won’t slow down.

I’m so mad.

But it isn’t directed towards Tao…or even Kris. It’s at myself. I tuck my head in between my legs and let the sobs wrack my body. I know I look pitiful sitting here and crying like a wuss…but I’m not packing up to leave any longer.

---

After being a little bitch on the floor for a while I sit myself on the edge of the bed and stare down at the carpeted floor underneath my feet. How stupid…can I be…to think about going to be a voluntary slave to the Queen? Okay…admittedly they said I wouldn’t be a slave, but how would they know? I don’t exactly see them jumping up to go in my place. Why can’t they find some other poor chick and throw her in there with those mut- people…

There is a soft knock on my door and I don’t have the energy to respond. I keep my gaze focused on staring at the material of the carpet below me. I really don’t want to talk to Tao right now, and if he could take the hint that would save me a lot of energy. The door opens and the bed dips from the added weight. He sits in silence and I hope he knows that I’m still pissed. He’s been going around telling all my secrets without my consent after all.

Really, the drug thing was something that he helped me get over and he tattled. What are we 7 years old? It’s when the person clears their throat that I realize it isn’t Tao. I stand up in fear and back away from the new person and stare at them with my eyebrows furrowed. It’s a boy…or maybe a girl with short hair. I can’t tell, but I’m leaning towards a pretty boy. His skin looks flawless, and he carries himself in a way that makes me assume he is constantly moving. His hair is a dark brown and it’s messily falling across his forehead. His eyes are large and doe like.

The person stands up as well and cautiously puts their hands out. I get defensive before I can think twice about it and before they have the chance to attack me first. I run forward and grip their hand and twist it behind their back. I shove their face and chest to the bed while twisting and locking their arm to their shoulder blade.

“Who are you!?” I call out. They groan out loud and I can now tell it’s definitely a boy. A very…pretty looking fellow.

“You’re hurting me. I didn’t come in here to hurt you dammit!” he says. I cringe and retreat in shame. I situate myself against the wall furthest from him just in case he tries anything funny. He moans out in pain and rubs his shoulder.

“Wh-What do you want?” I ask hesitantly. I feel slightly bad for hurting the guy when he obviously doesn’t handle pain well…but he could be acting dramatic. He forces a smile on his face and continues to rub his shoulder.

“I’m the guy who is going to make you presentable to the Queen.” He informs.

“Who said that I’d do it?” I ask immediately. He sighs and looks at me with a blank gaze, abandoning his previous arm rubbing.

“No one said that you’d actually do it. But we can train and prepare you for now; you get to make the final decision of whether or not you go through with it in the end. Deal?” I watch his face for signs that I shouldn’t trust him. He claps his hands together, “I’ll take your silence as a yes. Shower up for now. We’re going to have dinner in a bit, put on these new clothes before you come back down.” He instructs.

“What new clothes-” the neat stack of clothes floats in to the room and lands on the bed. So he’s one of them too…him and Kris. He smiles briefly before walking out of the door to leave me alone again. “Fine…I’ll wear your stupid clothes…and eat your stupid food. But I still don’t like you guys.” I mutter while stripping off my previous outfit. I take a shower and relish in the feel of hot water against my hair and skin. Hot water is a novelty in the poorer part of the 3rd ring, and from what I can tell this doesn’t seem to be it any more. The soap provided to me smells like mint and I love it. I won’t tell those assholes that though. I think I used to shower once or twice a week if that back home. If I get to shower here every day maybe this place won’t be so bad. When I turn the water off, I tie up my hair and dry my skin. “Go give ‘em hell.” I tell my reflection in the mirror before giving myself one last determined look.

The new outfit contains a pair of underwear, some khaki shorts and a light green shirt. I’ve never worn such bright clothes before, and I feel weirdly exposed once the light colors are actually on my body. I shake off the insecurity and walk to the door after tossing my used clothes in a corner of the room.

When I walk out of my room I’m met with Tao waiting against the wall across from my door. He straightens up and uncrosses his arms when I walk out of the door. His eyes are apologetic and he looks ravaged with guilt. A part of me is glad that he feels shitty for putting me in this situation. He opens his mouth to, what I can only assume, apologize again. I hold up a hand to silence him.

“Forget about it. I’m over it already.” I try to halfheartedly assure him. He looks unconvinced. “Really. You were right. You’ve never done anything to hurt me before, and if you trust these mutt-” he glares at me and I roll my eyes. “, these people then I guess I’ll give them a chance as well. You and I both know I can’t stay angry at you for long…and all you did was save me from that hell house and from being…sold off.” I admit. The fact that I was almost sold off sends a pang of pain through my heart. I sigh in defeat before looking at him with unguarded eyes. “I don’t like these guys, but…you’re my best friend and no one has tried to hurt me so far, so I’ll stay. I won’t leave you.” I tell him truthfully. He smiles a half smile and his posture relaxes. He pulls me in for a soft hug and leans his head on top of my own.

“Thank you.” He whispers. I wrap my arms around him and hug him back. “I love you, so so very much. I’m so sorry.” He utters quietly. I can’t help but feel that this ‘I love you’ is different from the ones we usually light-heartedly throw around, so I squeeze him comfortingly and close my eyes before telling him just as seriously, “I love you too.”

We stand like this, safe in each other’s embrace for a few moments more, until he breaks away first. He looks at ease now and changes our position so that my hand is now encased in his larger one; he guides me down the stairs back to face the asshats who await us at the table.

Turns out that we are the last to join the table, unsurprisingly, and I count 3 people excluding Tao and me. Kris sits at the head of the dining table, the pretty one who came in to my room sits beside him. Another…younger boy sits next to the pretty one. His hair dark and his skin is sun kissed. He seems intensely focused on his plate. Once Tao and I have found our seats across from the nameless pair Kris tells us all to help ourselves. There is some kind of fried meat that I’m unfamiliar with, a bowl of mixed vegetables, and a basket of bread rolls in the center of the table. The food gets passed around silently as everyone fixes their plates.

The silence is suffocating me if I’m entirely honest. They want to go and throw my world upside down and then awkwardly sit in silence afterwards? I don’t think so.

“So, who’s this guy?” I ask while motioning to the tan boy with my finger. The boy doesn’t look up from picking at his plate; Kris’s voice is the one that answers me.

“This is Jongin. He’s one of our spies in the castle.” I watch this Jongin guy as Kris finishes his thought. “Sometimes one of the boys will come and visit if they can get out of the castle for long enough. Jongin is able to visit most frequently.”

“Is he a mutt too?” I’m answered with a kick to the side of my leg by Tao. Jongin flinches and when I look at Tao he gives me a warning look. Okay, I might have said it angrier than it needed to be said…and I didn’t need to call him a mutt. Luhan and Kris look away and avoid my eyes. Well it’s awkward again, and the tanned boy’s feelings are hurt. Jongin says nothing of it though, but his posture gives away that he is frightened.

“He can teleport… it’s uh really cool.” Tao chimes in trying to lighten up the mood. He leans over to me and whispers, “Stop saying that word. We both know how offensive it is. You said that you’d give them a chance. For me remember?” I scowl at his words and look down at my full plate of food. Jongin’s silence and the others’ reactions unsettle me. Now I feel bad for yelling at him, but I’m not gonna apologize. They’re still mu- …not human after all. The pretty one takes it upon himself to speak up now.

“Jongin would be the one who gets messages to Kris and would occasionally bring you back for debriefing if you decide to go in.” I don’t respond. “Um, well how about you introduce yourself to all of us?” he offers.

“Didn’t Tao already tell you everything?” I snap back. I can’t help how malicious my words keep coming out. Being around this many of them makes me upset and the fact that Tao still snitched on me doesn’t help. My tone is uncontrollable.

Kris’s voice is calm as he answers, “He told us very little. Besides we want to hear about you from you.” I look at Tao and his eyes hold nothing but honesty as he nods quickly. Looking at Jongin I see he still hasn’t looked up from his plate. Kris and the pretty one are looking at me, but they look afraid of me almost. I exhale and hope to expel some of the growing tension in the room with it. I don’t like their kind, but I hate seeing people afraid of me even more than that. Jongin’s posture, alongside Kris and the other’s eyes, show that they are obviously fearful of me for whatever reason. I don’t get it, I should be afraid of them. I look down to my plate so that I don’t have to look at them when I answer.

“I’m June…I’m 19. I uh, live in the 3rd ring. I...use to live in a human village, but I left. And uh I’ve been living in an orphanage since then.” I tell them. It was the gist of my life, and they didn’t need to know the details. I said I’d try to trust them, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen now. The thick air eases only slightly, but it’s significantly less hostile. I can only blame myself for the previous hostile air.

I look up from my food to the pretty boy and try to figure out what his actual name is. He never actually told me, but after snapping those last few times I can’t gather the courage to speak up again. Dinner goes by slowly and silently and I can feel them all glancing at me occasionally like I’m some kind of wild dog with a temper. I don’t have any kind of an appetite after having basically ruined the mood. I take a quick bite of each thing on my plate and excuse myself from the table.

---

A few weeks pass like this. I join them for meals just to show Tao that I’m alive, and I sit there silently while they all slowly begin to chat in my presence. Usually it’s just us three, but sometimes Jongin will show up or one or two other people will join our table. I never bother to learn their names or their faces, but they don’t make much of an attempt either. When I’m not eating at the table, I’m in my room. Usually staring up at the ceiling and thinking about my own decisions and life.

Why did everyone seem so afraid of me? I was a bit bitchy yes, but they were the ones with fucking magical powers. Maybe it’s my disposition. Perhaps my body is like a giant stop sign…or a warning sign and they think that I’ll slit their throats in their sleep.

I wouldn’t do that…

Or would I?

You almost did it to Tao and he’s human. Who to say he didn’t tell them that, and now they’re afraid you’ll actually kill them.

That is true…

I can almost 100% guarantee that my eyes still show how much I hate them, and I mean at this point I don’t hate the ones who live here…but their kind still sucks major ass. I only talk to Tao and he has desperately been trying to assure me that they’re all nice guys. I don’t have any evidence otherwise, and really deep down I believe him; however, that doesn’t mean that I’m not still afraid they’ll turn on us at any given moment.

I’ve overheard Tao trying to convince them of the same.

“She’s actually really nice.” He said one night when I’d headed up to my room. They didn’t know, but I only went up a few stairs and stopped so that I could listen in and hear them. “She is still just afraid of you guys.”

“Afraid of us?” I could identify the pretty one’s voice. “She’s the scary one.” He said with a scoff.

“No she isn’t. You guys just don’t understand. She’s been through a lot and the Charmers and Gaia have been the main reason that she’s suffered.” Tao tried to explain.

“I don’t see how that’s likely.”

“It’s understandable.” Kris interjected. “She seems more to herself these days than defensive, like before. I don’t know what went on in the 3rd ring, but maybe if we just give her some more time and space she’ll come around.”

The topic of conversations changed and I took that as my cue to leave. Finding myself back in my bed staring again at the ceiling.

At least they’re trying.

---

“You know, I think that tomorrow we should just get take out. I really want something from the sushi place near the flower shop.”

“I’ll think about it, maybe if I go in that area I’ll pick it up on the way back.”

“You promise?”

“Yes yes yes. If I’m in the area I’ll pick it up. You both seem pretty adamant on eating out. You don’t like my cooking or something? This is an art form boys. I’m an artist.”

“Yeah okay whatever Kris, and I’m a famous singer.”

“No, it’s good and all. Sometimes it’s nice to you know treat yourself. And that involves you going out and buying us sushi.”

“If you want the sushi so bad they you give me the money for it Tao.”

“Aww come on Kris don’t do this to me-”

“I’m going to excuse myself. Thank you for the meal Kris.” I say standing up from the table. Three heads turn to face me and I bow before quickly escaping from the table like I do at every meal. I trudge to my bed with a pout and flop back on the mattress.

Hello darkness my old friend.

They’re all so close. The joking and laughing is comforting in a way that I’d forgotten existed and they’re all so relaxed around one another. They obviously genuinely enjoy one another’s company; they were just putting up with me. They tolerated me. I’m envious of their relationship, and I shouldn’t be. So I find myself pissed at my own thoughts. No matter how hard I try to channel my anger towards them it ricochets back to me.

I’m the one who is unresponsive. I was the one that made them uncomfortable, and I can’t blame it on the fact that I’m human because Tao fits in like he was born here. Even though they were all still slightly uncomfortable at my presence I still…feel at ease around them. I feel content being surrounded by them and I almost feel protected here. I don’t know whether this is a good or bad thing. Bad because I’m comfortable around their kind and they could still be trying to sabotage me…good because it feels nice to finally feel comfortable somewhere again. To feel at ease.

Grabbing the object closest to me, which happens to be my pillow, I shove it against my face and lightly suffocate myself. I let out a grunt and then sigh against the soft material.

I feel at ease here. I let the thought sink in. I don’t feel threated around them, and they’re honestly trying to give me time to warm up to them. Who am I to keep hating them as if they had personally inflicted some kind of pain on me? They fed me, clothed me, sheltered me, and they were only asking for one thing in return. One thing that I don’t even have to go through with if I don’t want to.

Maybe it wouldn’t…hurt to open up to these guys. Tao trusted them, and I trust Tao. They’re obviously more afraid of me than I am of them, and that in itself scares me. Why are they so afraid of me? No one looks me in the eyes for too long (except Tao) and even when Kris and his little sidekick do they always hold a hint of apprehension behind their shielded eyes. I move the pillow away from my face and stare at the ceiling for a bit longer before allowing my body to relax and fall in to a dreamless sleep.

Notes