Seven

“Good evening guys.” The atmosphere feels weird, and having them all suddenly shut up at my reappearance feels even weirder. They had to have been talking about me then…

I don’t blame them. I would have done the same thing had I been in their shoes. They stare at me with eyes full of pity. It makes me feel irrationally angry. I don’t want their pity. I don’t want them to look at me like I’m some kid who’s dog just ran away. “Look guys, I’m sorry for freaking you all out earlier. I’m totally fine now. No worries.” I nonchalantly walk into the living room, and plop down on the couch that Kris stands in front of.

“No.” Tao looks at me angrily. “You aren’t okay. Tell them.” I only tilt my head in confusion. He groans agitated. “Don’t play dumb right now June. I have only once see you like that, and I swore on my own life that day that I wouldn’t let you go through that again if I could help it.
You and I both know you aren’t okay if you acted the exact same way you did that day.”

The day that he’s talking about is one that I can only partially remember, but I know what he’s trying to get at. It was some time ago, before I had stopped stealing and abusing the drugs that I was supposed to be selling. One day, I had taken too many opiates, enough to kill myself. I can’t recall if that was the intention or not, but I was on the brink of dying. He had found me after I apparently started screaming. I don’t remember that happening, but he told me that he found me screaming, and then I passed out right in front of him. He said that he took me to the hospital and borrowed someone’s T-Card (that someone probably being Kris) to pay for my medical expenses. They had to pump my stomach, and keep me under watch for a full two weeks.

I promised him that I’d stop after that. Seeing him cry every time that he visited me and begging me to stop broke my resistance. I didn’t want to stop. Not since they were the only way for me to escape. It was difficult, but I did it. For him I stopped. I look down at my feet embarrassed.

Did I do the same thing today as I did then?

“What happened?” Tao asks firmly. “Tell us what happened.” The firmness fades quickly as his voice cracks. I look up to meet the four worried gazes around me. As much as I want to keep it to myself, I know that I can’t just keep it all in right now. They won’t let this go, and I can already tell that they’ll worry over this for who knows how long if I don’t just explain.

But where would I start?

How would I start? I’d have to break down my walls to get anywhere and that scares the shit out of me.

As it is, my protective fortress is basically non-existent with Tao. He knows all there is to know about me, and as dangerous as it is, it gives me the ability to confide in him in ways I can’t with anyone. I’ve let both Kris and Luhan inside of my little fortress, but I’ve left them to stare at tall walls that project the images that I want them to see. I’ve left nearly every door locked so that they don’t stumble upon the things I’m not ready to show. Jongin has weirdly enough been thrust right in to my protective fortress as well, straight into a couple of rooms, but has been given no direction or way of knowing what it is that he’s seen.

I don’t know if I’m ready for them to finally see what I’ve been trying to protect, but I don’t think I could ever be ready to display my own vulnerability. I have to let them see it for themselves. I have to finally let them see the girl I’ve been hiding in my own castle. I have to let her come out of hiding to face them all head on.

For them to all see me as the pathetic little girl that I actually am I have to start from the beginning.

So I tell them my story.

I tell them about my home in the woods. I tell them the little bit that I remember about my parents. I tell them about the fire. I tell them about the man who could throw it. I display my own fears of him and the amount of power he holds over my life. The amount of power I’ve allowed him to have. The fear that I’ve used to drive myself and my own hatred in the city.

I tell them about Momma. I tell them about the shoe shop. I tell them about my boys, and how I’ve watched them vanish and die just because they were human, just because we are human and no one gave two shits whether we lived or died. So long as we did the tasks that we were told. I told them about their stories. Jackie. Pulled from his village in the middle of the day while his parents where ripped apart before his very eyes. Jackie who died after some Charmer decided to play with his life and see how much water his lungs could hold before they exploded. Jackson. Born in the city and given away so that his father could afford to feed himself. Jackson who died after being sexually assaulted and then killed because, well the Charmer just felt like it. Joshua. The little boy who had found the orphanage after escaping from his abusive Gaia in a different district. Joshua who had probably died in the fire that took the lives of many other boys in the orphanage.

I tell them about my own mistakes. The lives I’d taken. The people I’d ruined. The lack of regret I felt at killing them. The stealing that I did to survive. The drugs I did to forget how much I hated where I was and what I was doing. The harm I did to myself, because sometimes the thought of just…not being alive felt like the only option and like a light at the end of a dark tunnel. I tell them about how I fell into countless periods of wanting to be dead.
I tell them of the ways I thought of dying, they ways I attempted to die, the feeling of having no other hope, and just wanting it all to stop.

To go away.

I wanted to go away.

I recount the abuse I suffered from Momma, from Charmers, from humans, from Gaia. I tell them the stories and names of the people who touched me and made me feel like I was nothing more than a body for them to use when they wanted a quick and quiet fuck. I tell them about how some of those men and women would cut, choke, and physically injure me while they did what they wanted to me.

I tell them everything.

I tell them all there is to know about me; now that the walls have fallen, there is no way to stop it. Even if I wanted to stop the tale I no longer had the ability to hold myself back. I need to get it out. Not for them, but for myself.

Tears have started streaming down my face, and it’s almost impossible to continue talking through the congestion and mucus. Somehow, I power through. I’m able to tell them about the orphanage and seeing all of these things flash before me like a movie that I couldn’t stop.
The sight of the bones, bodies, and flashbacks still fresh in my mind.

“I ju-just want m-m-my mom to come back to hug me one last-last time. I wish I could have heard what she-she told me. I ju-just I just want this to all be a dream, and-d to wake up in my bed in my village. I c-can’t handle thi-this anymore.” The feeling of putting all my cards on the table feels great even though I’m crying harder and longer than I have in years. Having verbally recounted my own story I realize how much I miss being a small child with my parents. How I miss not knowing about everything happening outside of the thick forest. How
I can’t even remember the sounds of my parents’ voices.

I feel as though I have relieved myself of some of the weight that was constantly pushing on my chest, and yet I feel as though I’ve burdened the four who listened to me. They don’t need my drama along with their own.

Wiping away my tears and snot, I finally notice that all of them have tears streaming down their own faces. I’m confused, why are they crying? Before I can voice my concern, Kris puts his long arms around me and hugs me tightly to his chest.

“I’m so sorry.” He apologizes brokenly. A soft sob falls from his mouth. He pulls away. I blink. Roughly, he wipes away at the tear streaks on his cheeks. “I understand the pain that you’ve gone through, I never realized that you could have experienced some of the very things that we have.” He starts. I sniffle and wipe at the snot dripping from my nose while he tells his own story. “While I was in the castle, I was looked at like the leader among the Charmers there. There were a handful of them who would always confide in me, and ones that I saw as my own brothers. I watched nearly every one of my brothers get tortured every single day, and I did nothing to help. I couldn’t do anything to help, and to this day…that’s the one thing I regret most in this world. Having to watch them and leave them to suffer through the punishment in the castle on their own. All I could do was hold them and try to console them after they’d been hurt and traumatized. I couldn’t protect them in the ways that they needed it most…” he fades off and covers his face with his hands as his crying wracks his body.

“I’ve also been rented out.” Luhan nearly whispers. “With Gaia to Charmers…it’s normal. Especially of Charmers who are raised especially to be of use in the bedrooms of the Gaia. I’ve been through…the same. They…they treated me as if I was a toy, and they hurt me as if my physical pain was a kink they could have and get off on. I-I didn’t know it happened to…to you…to humans as well. By Charmers and other humans no less…” he stares at the ground as if he’s trapped in his own memories, and I realize why he was so hesitant to talk to me about his job in the castle.

He was a sex worker.

And I’ve made him relive the embarrassment, shame, and fear that comes with it…twice now.

I am the world’s worst kind of person.

Jongin’s sobs gets louder all of the sudden, but before anyone can console him he’s gone. I stretch my arms around Kris so that he can cry in the embrace of someone else. It’s less lonely with someone with you through it. I glance over to see Tao side hugging Luhan. The elder of the two still zoned out in his own world. Face blank and hard.

None of our stories are special.

None of us are special.

Our trials and stories are shared by billions throughout the planet. Yes, my life was the one on display right now, but I know that it is no better or worse than their own. Everyone has secrets and a past that resonates differently for each person. Some are stronger and can handle more, others can’t handle as much. But it doesn’t devalue the pain and troubles of anyone else. If anything, I can say that a new understanding has been discovered.

They had assumed that I lived an easy life, and that I was a shit to them because I was just like every other Gaia and human girl they had known. I had assumed that since they were Charmers and had lived in the castle with all of the important Gaia, that they were like the people who had treated me as awfully as I’d been treated. That they’d had the advantage of being raised as the privileged and elite. We were all looking at the other thinking that they had it better off, only to find out that the same people we envied…were the people who envied us.

The grass is always greener on the other side, huh? How fucked it is to come to terms with the reality that life its self is fucked. Not just our own, but life as a whole. Everyone is dealt a hand of cards, and it just so happens that most Gaia are given the better hand every time.
With all of my guards down at once for the first time, I can see that I wasn’t the only person hiding. We all are.

Damaged.

Every single one of us have our own scars; none of us were without some shitty past, but the thing that tied them all together?

Gaia who abused their power, and this fucked up social order.

Once the emotional shit show in the living room calms, Tao walks me back to my room. As if I can’t walk on my own. I’m fully capable of climbing stairs, but I let him do it. If not for me, for his own mental sanity. With all that’s happened, I know that he is just as distraught and scrambled as I feel…even if he isn’t showing it as vividly as he usually would.

Of all of us, he’s the only one acting as though he has some kind of mental stability.

Someone has to.

It just sucks that it has to be him this time. If I could, I’d rewind time and take it all back. Tao didn’t deserve this. He should have never met me. We should have never met me. He’d be better off. He’d have found Kris and have stayed with Kris. He wouldn’t have made trips back and forth to the 3rd ring. He wouldn’t have had to save me. He wouldn’t have had to deal with the stress I’ve added to his life. Tao is a good person.

I’ve just added to ruining his current life…

I’m left alone in my room after confidently telling Tao that I will be okay by myself. I have to say it nearly 50 times, but he finally concedes, hugs me and closes my door behind him. I lie on top of my blankets and stare at the darkness above me.

I feel suffocated. It’s entirely too quiet, and it’s suffocating me. There is no way I’ll be able to force myself to sleep with such little noise. My thoughts are too loud, and my surroundings
are too quiet.

I turn on my lamp and sit crisscrossed on my bed.

How am I going to go to bed?

I’ve been asleep today already...or passed out…who cares. It’s the same thing.

I jump when Jongin appears cross-legged right in front of me on my bed. Does he not make any kind of noise when he ‘poofs’ from place to place?

“Jongin!” I say in surprise. I thought he was gone for the day.

“Can I stay here another night?” he asks suddenly. My eyes widen at the boldness of his question. I don’t even have to think about my response.

“Yeah. Of course.” I have an extra soft spot for the boy, and if he wants to sleep here, then he can sleep here god dammit. “As long as you talk and help me fall asleep.”

He hums in agreeance. He scoots next to me at the head of the bed, and I raise the blanket so that the both of us can shift under it.

“I’m sorry.” I stare at his face after my apology. “I didn’t mean to scare you…or the rest of the guys. It won’t happen again, so don’t worry about me anymore. I don’t like seeing you guys so high-strung just because I’m such a disturbance.” The words come out even more apologetic than I had intended. At the sad sound of my words, I’m reminded of just how much trouble I’ve caused while being here. Both intentionally and unintentionally.

He doesn’t even address my sad apology. Instead, he changes the topic entirely. “Do you want to know why I showed up the way I did that one night?”

Random.

I do want to know, but I honestly don’t know if I’m ready to. With all of the crying, and talks of stories past, I’m emotionally worn out. Even so, I’m still curious to hear what he has to say. I won’t force him to if he isn’t ready though. “You don’t have to…if you aren’t ready.”

“I want to.” He says immediately. His large brown irises are determined. From the moment he ‘poofed’ into my room he has had this serious look. The sadness and tears from earlier are nowhere to be seen. “I need to.” I keep my mouth closed so that he can have the entirety of my attention.

“I lost my best friend that night…” he blinks, gaze locked on my own. The impending severity of the story makes my heart rate speed up, and I want to look away so that I don’t have to see the raw emotion in his eyes. And yet I can’t get myself to do that. “I lost my best friend Taemin. We were both taken to the basement of the castle a few hours before. We were supposed to dance for some guests of the Queen, but they were unsatisfied with our performance…so we got dragged away.

“I got put in a cell and got a few lashes, but Taemin wasn’t as well off. I watched them kill him from the bars of my own cage. They put him on this- this thing that we call the rolling pin and stretched his body out until he was ripped in half. I can still hear him screaming sometimes when I’m alone…” He pauses. “They let me go after warning me that the same would happen to me if wasn’t less careless.” I listen in horror. My throat dries up as his words emotionlessly tell me about his recent experience.

“I…don’t remember going outside after that. I don’t know how long I just sat out in the rain, but at some point I just wanted to leave. I knew…well I know that I would have to come back to the castle, but I couldn’t be in the castle any longer. I felt like I was dying. I really hadn’t planned on showing up in your room…I just wanted to leave, and for some reason this is just were I felt like I needed to be.” I burst in to tears for the hundredth time at his confession. He smiles somberly while whipping at the wet tracks.

“It’s okay not to be fine, you know. Sometimes you have to admit to not being fine first, before you can learn how to deal with it. If you keep telling yourself that you’re fine when you aren’t…you’re only making it so that it’s harder to deal with later on.” I let out another ugly sob. He rubs my shoulder with a small smile on his face. “You were there for me, and I’m going to be here for you. It’s okay not to be fine.” I clutch his shirt tightly and pull myself into him. My body shakes violently from the new wave of emotions, and Jongin patiently holds me while I let it out.

Notes