The weekend arrives much quicker than I expected, wanted, or needed it to. And in all honesty my anxieties were at an all-time high. What was supposed to just be a simple outing with Luhan has turned in to -what feels like- the most stressful moment of my life. In the span of a measly 30 minutes I’ve put on and taken off nearly outfit that I own.

No matter how many outfits I’ve tried on, combinations I’ve coordinated, or articles I’ve switched, nothing seems right. Nothing feels right. What’s worse is that it’s only a lunch…and he won’t even be able to look at me extendedly anyway since we’re going to be out in public in the 2nd ring. Why am I so caught up in finding the right outfit?

Because I still feel like I need to look nice.

I want to look nice. If this is actually going to be a date, then I deserve to look nice. I want him to think that I look nice…

I still don’t want to look too eager, or like I tried too hard to dress myself up. As true as both statements are, I don’t need him to know that. He already has a big ego; I don’t need to feed it any more.

A sigh falls from my lips.

I know nothing can happen between us. In any form, at any time. Nothing serious at least. I’m a human girl, and he’s just one of the Queen’s Charmers. Sure, I can like him secretly. That won’t do any harm. I’m allowed to have a teeny tiny crush on the guy. Who wouldn’t? But how would we ever manage a relationship if we’re both servants to the Queen? Servants who work closely under the Queen.

It’s funny. We’re from entirely different worlds, and yet here I am worrying about my outfit as if this is going to be the occasion that marks the beginning of the rest of our lives together.

How pathetic.

I stare at my reflection for the umpteenth time and frown. “That’s it. I’m wearing jeans.” I decide. I rush back out of the bathroom to throw on a pair of light wash jeans and a long sleeved orange shirt. I twist my hair into a braid, and call it a day. Slipping on a pair of brown boots I walk towards the living room where Luhan should be waiting.

He stands up from the couch upon my entry. “I tried to talk them out of it.” He says exasperatedly. I tilt my head in confusion, I don’t understand his words until Kris, Tao, and Jongin come in through the front door.

“The car is ready to go.” Kris announces with a smile.

---

Turns out that what was supposed to be another one on one lesson has turned into what I can only call a field trip. Kris says it is an “advanced lesson”, but Tao and Jongin appeared way too excited for this to just be a lesson. As soon as we all got settled in the car I was told the new plans for the day.

Kris turns around from the driver’s seat to look at Tao, Jongin, and I in the back seat.
“Alright, I hope you guys are ready.” He looks at me specifically. “We’re going to the big shopping center of the 2nd ring, and then you’re going back to the 3rd ring.” His tone is light, and it’s scaring me. Why is everyone so excited to go out today? It’s never fun going out in public…definitely not for them. And why would we go back to the third ring?

“Why the-”

“Kris thinks that it’s best for you to also try what you’ve learned around other humans. We won’t see any around and about in this part of the capital. So Kris, Jongin, and I are going to go with you to the shopping center in this ring and you’ll learn how to eat properly, and then we’re going to hand you over to Tao and Jongin. They’re going to go with you in the 3rd ring.”

“But Jongin hasn’t-”

“If it gets too dangerous then Jongin will be able to teleport the both of you back to the house.” Luhan says, interrupting me for the second time. I sigh in exasperation.

“Can I finish my sentence please?” I ask aggravated. Everyone looks at me expectantly. “Okay. Am I ready for this? I mean I don’t know if I’m prepared enough to deal with Gaia and Charmers here and then keep up my act after going back to th-the you know um-”

“You don’t have to visit the orphanage or anything. We’re just going to walk around and let you umm…what are we supposed to do again?” Tao looks to Jongin and the latter nods signaling that he’ll continue where the taller left off.

“We’re just going to walk around so that you can see what it’s like to be you know…you around humans and other kinds of Charmers and Gaia.” Jongin finishes. I furrow my eyebrows and look from Jongin on my left to Tao on my right and then back to Luhan in the passenger’s seat.

“What if I want to go visit the orphanage?” I ask. The question is more for myself. Do I want to visit? It’d be nice to go and see some of the boys if I could.

“Well…do you?” Kris asks. His gaze is soft and I can see that he doesn’t want me to go there, but he won’t stop me if I say that I want to.

“No she doesn’t.” Tao answers for me. I look down at my lap silently.

“Do you?” Kris asks again. I can feel all of their eyes on me, and I feel uneasy at the reason behind the attention. I know that I probably shouldn’t. I know that they don’t want me to. I shouldn’t go anywhere near the 48th district, honestly. I could be recognized there, and I had messily killed a guy in my last moments there.

But, I want to see what’s happening. My curiosity feels as though it’s burning inside of me. I’d just go for a short while. Just in and out and then we can go wherever else.

“You do don’t you?” Luhan speaks up. I look up from my lap to see his scrutinizing gaze. I nod slowly, but keep my mouth closed in fear of being judged further for wanting to go back to the one place they all know I dread. Kris runs a hand through his hair. Luhan leans over and the two of them begin to whisper fervently. Jongin leans over to whisper into my ear.

“Are you sure you want to go there?” I only respond with a short nod while looking into his eyes. For whatever reason I can’t get myself to vocalize my thoughts, I just hope they don’t ask any more questions that require an answer outside of yes and no.

“You’re an idiot.” Tao cuts in. He crosses his arms over his chest and lets out a huff. “You shouldn’t go back there…ever. There nothing there for you anymore. That place is a shithole and you want to just walk right back in?” he shakes his head and rolls his eyes. “You’re an idiot.”

“You can go.” Kris finally says.

I turn my attention away from the frustrated Tao beside me to a poker faced Kris. “You can visit, but as soon as anything happens Jongin has permission to bring you back. Willingly or not.” He says sternly. I nod quickly in agreeance. He sighs and taps his fingers on the steering wheel anxiously. The mood has gone down significantly after my request.

“I’m going to go now.” The sound of the door opening by Tao alarms me.

“Why?” my voice comes out way more scared than I had thought it would. He looks shocked as well by the sudden tone and frowns slightly.

“I can’t be in the 2nd ring. I’m just going to sneak in and wait in the 3rd until Jongin and you get there.” He explains.

“I’ll go with you.” Jongin offers.

“No stay with her. I know how to handle myself. Just meet me in the 32nd district, I’ll find you.” He leaves the car without another word. He seems upset and I know it has to be because of me. I don’t get why he’s so upset that I want to go back for a bit. It’s not like I’m giving myself up to the cops or planning on living there again or anything.

The atmosphere in the car gets awkward as the four of us try to figure out a way to get rid of the tension. When a minute of silence passes Kris finally decides to just start the car and drive us to our first destination.

---

Stop number one is the park. The weather today is nice and the air is getting just cold enough to be cool. Many Gaia are out and about talking amongst themselves, their Charmers close by, doing errands, or waiting to be given a task to do. Since I’m supposed to be basically wandering around and getting used to being in public, I decide that just walking around and looking at the sights that the park has to offer will be sufficient enough. My Charmer squad walks behind me and I feel a strange sense of security with them behind me. Slipping into my serious mode was a lot easier than I expected with them supporting me from the back.

The first time with Luhan was stressful and there were a lot of disturbing comments called out to him, but with the three of them around me…I found that no one dared say anything to any of us. My Charmers were silent behind me, but I could feel their support.
Walking around was enjoyable. The trees beautiful shades of red, orange, and yellow. Each breeze that blows by takes with it some of the crisp leaves that are loosely hanging on to the tree branches. At the sight I feel a tinge of sadness run through me. There weren’t many trees in any part of the city, and while these trees were neat, trimmed, and tame I’m still reminded of the forest I grew up in. Another gust blows by eliciting a large shiver from my body.

Strange.

I turn around to face the boys who are casting their eyes to the ground as expected. I try not to think much of it. “Let’s go. I’ve seen enough of the park.” I mutter. I glance around and catch sight of a pasta place across from the park. I point in its direction. “We’re getting pasta. Follow me.” They nod and I catch Luhan’s smirk before he quickly gets rid of it. Am I doing well?

I hold my hands behind my back and walk forward with an annoyed scowl. People actually make way for us and bow briefly before moving off to different locations. Some people change their path entirely, just to avoid us.

This is so strange.

All of this feels all too weird, and it makes me uncomfortable to see just how affected these people are by just by the way I carry myself. Maybe it’s not even me, but the three behind me.

Most Gaia only have one to two Charmers. The more Charmers any given Gaia or human has, the more powerful she is. The Queen has just over 10 under her, and to date that is the most any Queen or Gaia has personally had.

Luhan’s words from a previous lesson pop in to my head, and I decide that it’s most likely their presence that caused the reaction. Do I even need to look bitchy if having multiple Charmers around me will get rid of people automatically?

“Welcome! One moment, I’ll get you a menu and seat you immediately.” A young woman greets me with a smile. Short blonde hair, and a thousand-watt smile. She looks around my age and like a very bubbly girl…but you can never judge a book by its cover, can you?

“Seat me in the least crowded area of the restaurant.” I grab the menu from her hand and scan over it. I point to a dish that looks nice and turn it so that she can see where my finger is. “I’ll take 4 of whatever this is. Water is fine.”

“Yes ma’am.” She says with a polite smile. I hand her the menu and wait for her next move. She turns around so that she can guide us to our table and I let out a large breath.

Wow that was nerve wracking.

Luckily the restaurant isn’t busy, and we are put in a section that only has a woman in a suit hurriedly finishing her meal.

Thank the Gods.

As soon as we are left alone my posture drops and I lay my head down in my hands on top of the table.

“You’re doing well.” Kris whispers reassuringly. I drop my hands and give him a half smile when he looks me in the eyes for the first time since being out and about.

“Really? I feel like an utter mess.” He shakes his head and gives me a thumbs up.

“What did you order?” Jongin asks quietly.

“Some white wine chicken pasta thing. It looked good. Don’t worry.” His eyes widen slightly in joy and a smile starts on his face before he wipes it away and settles for a short nod. I lean my cheek into the palm of my hand and blow out a raspberry. “Is it normal for people to react that way around Gaia with a lot of Charmers?”

“Mmm, not really. It’s different for Gaia. I think most people could tell you were a human…they seemed more afraid of who you belong to rather than you.” Luhan says softly. “You did well though. I’m actually surprised you were able to keep the act up as well as you did for your second time being out.”

“Thanks.” We all fall into silence and I immediately feel uncomfortable having them here in front of me but unable to easily talk to me. It makes sense why so many Gaia are always with other women. It’s like being alone even with them here in front of me.

So close, and yet so very far away.

I hate it.

Even when the food arrives, conversation is kept at a minimum and only between Luhan and I, seeing as he is the one teaching me to have proper table manners.

Wipe your hands.

Don’t grip the utensils too tight.

Dab at your mouth.

Sip your water. It isn’t going anywhere.

This isn’t your last meal, don’t rush. Blah blah blah.

The whispered words are the only noise outside of the sounds of silverware scratching plates during the entirety of the lunch. This is the most uninteresting outing that I’ve ever had. Once our waitress comes to scan my T-Card (bless Kris for letting me use his again) we are finally able to leave.

I find a sparsely populated part of the park and flop down on the ground. They follow behind silently.

“Okay I want to go. I’ve had enough of this, let’s go.” I announce.

“What?” Jongin’s voice shocks me. Out of all of them I least expected him to talk to me in public. Even in this empty part of the park.

“I uh-” my thought process is thrown off after being startled by his voice, and it takes me a second to recall what I wanted to say. “I want to go to the 3rd ring now. I’m already sick of being around all these kind of people. I’m especially sick of you guys being so far away.”

“We were always right behind you.” Luhan says confused. I roll my eyes at their stupidity.

“I know that you dummy. I mean you guys can’t talk to me, or look at me, and I feel like I’m basically alone even though you guys are physically here.” I clarify.

“Ah.” The three of them chorus.

Dummies.

“Well…I’ll go find Tao. Where should we meet up?” Jongin asks Kris.

“I’ll find you. Go on.” The elder says. I blink and the spot where Jongin was once sitting is now empty. Whoa, I always forget how cool his power really is. “I’ll take you to them. Luhan you can take the car back home.”

“Don’t stay there too long. It’s not safe there, and if you get separated from Jongin and Tao we won’t be able to-”

“Okay!” Kris says cutting off his elder. “Thanks Luhan. Let’s go before he overstresses himself and raises his blood pressure.” Kris stands up and takes my hand practically yanking me up off the ground. I yelp quietly and let myself get dragged away from a still complaining Luhan.

“How exactly are we going to get to them without a car? And without me getting caught?” I ask while jogging to keep up with Kris’s long legged pace. My question stops him, and I bump into his back, not able to control my momentum. He lets go of my hand and turns around with a smirk plastered on his face.

“I haven’t show you my power yet have I?” he asks. I don’t think that he has. I can’t remember if he even told me what his power was actually. I shake my head and he lets out a soft chuckle. He begins to take off his brown sweater, and I immediately shade my eyes.

“What are you-?!”

“Put this on.” He instructs. Hesitantly, I lower my hands and see that he was wearing a blue shirt underneath it. His smile is innocent, but I’m not a total idiot. I can see that he meant to pull a reaction out of me. I snatch the sweater out of his outstretched hand.

“Why?” I ask snippily. He kneels down on one knee.

“Just put it on, get on my back, and wrap your arms around my neck.” He says calmly. I squint at him suspiciously. What is he about to do? Are we going to switch bodies or something? “Come on hurry up. Grab on to my neck after you get it on.” I look back to the fluffy brown sweater and hurriedly drape it over my body.

How tall is this guy really? I’m turned into a human burrito thanks to the large article of clothing. After rolling up the sleeves I finally wrap my arms around his neck. He stands up and wraps my legs around his waist. “Hold on tight.” His arms support me by holding on to my thighs to make sure that I’m triple attached to him. I try to get comfortable on his back, but it just makes me feel more like a small animal on a branch than anything else. He bends his knees a few times, and with a final breath he squats and then launches the both of us straight into the air.

Fuck, I forgot he could fly.

I scream almost immediately and tighten my grip around his neck like some kind of frightened koala bear. My eyes close as soon as the air rushes against my face. I can distinctly feel how the air gets colder the higher we go up, and it makes sense why I was given this sweater beforehand. My screams die off as I focus all of my energy on not throwing up. That and not letting go. Kris’s arms are still there supporting me, but what if I let go and he isn’t holding me tight enough? Would he be able to catch me before I fall to my death below? Would I fall on empty ground, or perhaps on top of some pedestrian? Would I die on the spot, or just be in immense pain?

This is exactly why I fucking hate being subject to their powers. I could die right now. I could die when we could have just like…drove a car, or disguised me. He could have used a catapult to toss me over the electric wall for all I care. But no, I’m going to end up falling to my death because Kris’s ass decided to fucking fly me to my death.

“June.”

This was probably the plan since day one. Get friendly and then build up my trust just so that they could drop me to my death from the sky.

“June!”

I can’t believe it would happen this way. I had always figured that I’d die of infection or food poisoning. A lack of medical attention would drive me to my grave. I never suspected blatant murder.

“Yah! Open your eyes you idiot.” The sound of Tao’s voice shakes me out of my thoughts. I open my eyes to see that not only are we on the ground, but we’ve already reached Jongin and Tao. “You can let go now.” Kris’s hand pats my forearm, and I remember that I’ve got a death grip on him. He bends down so that I can slide down, but I’m shaking too hard to let go. I close my eyes and let out a shaky breath. It’s okay, you can let go.

Let go.

I can’t let go.

Unconsciously, my grip gets tighter and I hide my face in the back of Kris’s shirt while I try to get my body to just let go.

“Come on.” Jongin. “We’re right here.” He assures. I relax my hold only slightly so that I can peek up and look at him. He nods with a nervous smile, and I nod back to him. I’m fine. I’m totally fine, I’m just…shaking. Tao sighs before walking around and physically pulling me off of Kris. I come off easier than I expected. My limbs turned to jelly as soon as he grabbed me. The elder male rolls his shoulders and stands back up to his full height.

“Are you okay? I didn’t know you’d react like this to flying…” his voice is apologetic and he rubs his neck nervously.

“No, no. I’m fine. I’m okay. I’m just…I- I’m fine.” I conclude. No one seems convinced, but I need to show them. I wriggle out of Tao’s arms so that I’m standing on my own two feet. My knees wobble, but it’s minor. I don’t think anyone notices. I spread out my arms. “I’m totally fine.” I say with more conviction. They stare silently while I try to think of something else to show I’m fine. Maybe if I do a little dance. I drop my arms and move my body around uncoordinatedly while smiling, hoping that it’s enough for us to move on.

Jongin’s laugh breaks through the silence as the boy drops to his knees from his giggles. Tao rolls his eyes but smiles along. I stop my “dancing” for the sake of my pride; the sleeves of Kris’s sweater fall and covers my hands, and I’m once again turned into a living burrito thanks to his enormous clothes. Said sweater’s owner ruffles my hair affectionately before telling us to be careful and come home as soon as we’re done. He’s flying in the air before we can even finish our okays.

It’s only then that I realize we’re already in the 48th district. The oh-so familiar sight of my crummy district feels like a slap in the face after the few months of being away. It’s startling to actually see the difference in the rings after being able to actually live in the 2nd. Even for as short a time that I have. The air is different. Heavier. Colder. The same bright advertisement boards and shiny buildings were there like they’ve always been. Lighting up both day and night, being large and imposing. It was all so…artificial still, and terrifying. People didn’t roam around much, and it was just as devoid of energy as the first day I got here.

I feel the snap of the bronze wrist bracelet on my arm before I see it. Tao pulls back and snaps an identical one to his own and to Jongin’s wrists as well. “Fakes.” He says. I look down at the bracelet and remember the fact that 2nd ring guests who come through the legal entrances are given a bronze bracelet to show their status and access to the ring. Without it, and without proper identification we could be locked up in a second. Unfortunately, I was never given a citizen’s ID since I wasn’t born here, and I know for a fact that boys aren’t given IDs since they are barely counted as citizens.

I look away from my arm to the surrounding area once again. It’s unlikely to find any officers around here. With or without the bracelets we wouldn’t be caught. No one gives a shit about 3rd ringers. If we were in the 2nd ring then there might have been more of a problem and probability of being stopped by an officer, but I look the part there now and no one asks any questions which is good. It’s not like anyone could prove that I wasn’t from the 2nd ring even if they wanted to anyway.

“You okay?” Jongin asks after watching me stand and stare around. I blink away my thoughts and face them once again.

“Yeah. I’m alright. Let’s go to the orphanage first. We still have a few hours of sunlight, and I want to get that out of the way.” Tao’s hand finds mine and he squeezes it softly. I smile reassuringly. I’m fine.

I think.

I close my eyes and take in a large breath.

I’m fine. There is nothing to be scared of. No one can hurt me with Tao and Jongin by my side. No one will hurt me anymore because I know who I am.

I am the beginning. I am the ultimate. I am one of the first beings on Earth and they are beneath me. I am to be respected. I am woman.

I open my eyes and release the air in my lungs along with my apprehension. A renewed feeling of power washes over me, and I can once again slip into the newest version of myself.

I am no longer the naïve little girl in the woods.

I am no longer the scared human in a city of mutants.

I am not at the bottom of the food chain anymore.

I am to be respected.

“Let’s go boys. This way.” I tug at Tao’s hand and let Jongin follow behind as I lead them to the place where I grew up. It’s going to be around a fifteen minute walk from where we all met up, and the market where I use to…“shop” at is nearby. A small smile threatens to spread on my face at the countless memories of taking little snacks and fruits from the market. I wonder if they’ve gotten better security systems yet.

The first person to fall on the ground in front of me takes me by surprise. He came out of nowhere, and I actually jumped at the sudden action. I stop in my tracks leaving Tao to bump into me after not paying attention to where he was going. The man lies there motionless on his knees with his forehead to the ground and arms spread out in front of him. Luhan had told me that this is the standard procedure for human men in the presence of a human woman, but I thought he was just fucking around with me.

Even though I know that he knows more than me when it comes to all of this, I had never seen it happen. Up until now at least.

The man stays motionless, and I take the initiative to walk away so that he can go back to his previous tasks. For the first time, I feel as though I no longer belong in this area. People continue to throw themselves at my feet. Humans. Others bow all the way at the waist to avoid eye contact. Lone Charmers. Gaia women bow their heads in acknowledgement.

The amount of power that I feel is invigorating. Terribly invigorating, and slightly humbling. The same people who spit at me, hit me, touched me, yelled obscenities at me are the same people cowering in my presence.

But among them, are people who I’ve never met before. People who have no reason to be afraid of me, and have never done anything to wrong me. And yet, here they are. Just as terrified as those who have. Seeing the unfamiliar faces makes me immediately regret the amount of joy I felt at seeing people bowing and on the ground before me.

Maybe I need to keep myself in check.

My pace is even, my heartrate is calm, and I feel weirdly tranquil walking around in broad daylight in this district, even with the astounding reactions from every person I encounter. From the amount of moisture that has accumulated in between Tao and my clasped hands, I can only assume that he isn’t feeling as composed as I am. If he sweats anymore though, I’m ditching his hand. I can only take so much palm sweat against my dry one.

When the shoe shop passes my line of vision my fists clench unconsciously. If not for

Tao’s yelp, I would have forgotten that I was still holding on to his hand. I mumble out an apology and relax my grip. The three of us look so out of place, and even though I’ve gotten the outward behavior down, I can’t help the unease I feel at being treated so differently here.

And in my gut, I feel as though something else is off.

Something is wrong, but I can’t get myself to just turn around and leave. Maybe it’s just irrational fear, who knows? I still have to keep going forward. I want to see my boys. I want them to know that I’m okay. I want to tell them that I’m going to find a way to get them out.

There’s hope.

There’s hope for us.

I can save them.

When we finally reach the street that the orphanage is on, the bad feeling intensifies. My stomach drops when I don’t see the building in its usual location between the two larger apartments.

Buildings don’t move.

I’m not crazy, buildings don’t just get up and move.

But it’s gone.

The gasp that escapes from me sounds pitiful even to my own ears. I snatch my hand out of Tao’s tightened grip. I know that he’s trying to hold me back, but I can’t stay here. I need to get closer. I need to see it closer for myself.

As soon as I’m free of his hold, I sprint towards the wreckage. I stop only on the sidewalk directly across the street.

“No. no. no…this- I- this can’t be…” The entire orphanage has been burned to the ground. No sign that it ever existed outside of its charred remains. No one would know what this place was, had they never see it before this moment. Thin ribbons of smoke are still rising from the remains.

It couldn’t have even been days since this happened.

The sounds of heavy footsteps hitting the pavement get closer only to slow down directly beside me. I can hear their panting, but I can’t get myself to take my eyes away from the scene in front of me.

I have to get closer.

I need to get closer.

One heavy step.

Two heavy steps.

Three. Four.

“June I don’t-” my feet stop temporarily. I turn around to see Tao with his hand covering Jongin’s mouth. The latter looks frightened. Tao only shakes his head. He doesn’t say a word. I turn back.

Five steps. Six.

Lifelessly, I let my feet carry me directly to where the doorway of the house once stood. The rubble cracks and crumbles under the weight of my feet. I don’t realize that I’ve started crying until I actually hear myself sniffle. Raising a hand to my eyes, I can feel the moisture, but it doesn’t even process in my mind.

The sight, the smell. All of it is too familiar. The smell is way too familiar.

I hated this place, but I never wanted it to burn like my first home. I never wanted it to suffer the same fate.

The boys.

Where are all of the boys? Where did they go? Did they get out? Please tell me they got out. Did they escape, find new homes? Were they kidnapped again?

Would this have still happened had I still been here? Could I have stopped this? Did this happen because of the guy that I killed? Is this all my fault?

Where is Momma? Did she do this? Did she set fire to the place for insurance money? She would have cleared it of the boys first, right?

Right?

I take another step even further in, but something gives under my weight. Something that makes a crack that doesn’t exactly sound or feel like wood. Dazed I step back, only to see what looks like a fully grown human skeleton.

Skin melted to bone. Burned flesh and tattered clothes bloody and burnt. Large patches of muscle and bone charred black. Bone shows, covered in the light gray of ash. Worn down from the heat of fire. A body, completely indistinguishable in this state.

But I know.

It was her. This body was once Momma. It had to be.

I fumble to the side after my suspicion actually registers, only to hear the sound of my foot breaking bone once again. This time it’s a smaller body.

A strangled sob rips its way out of my mouth, the sound scaring me enough for me to instinctively cover my mouth with both of my hands.

The body is just small enough to belong to Joshua. Little Joshua who liked to read and loved being doted on by Tao. Another look around shows multiple bodies of various shapes and sizes littered around. Joshua and Momma weren’t the only ones here.

Are any of them not here?

Suddenly I can recall why the smell is so similar to all those years ago. It’s not the smell of smoke, or the smell of wood. It’s not the smell of burnt upholstery.

It was the smell of burnt bodies.

Just like 9 years ago.

Images from that day begin to flash before my eyes once again. Images that I’ve taken so long to block out. Images that I’ve tried so hard to get rid of. Images that I thought were securely locked up in the very back of my memory return as if they were never locked away.

My mom engulfed in the smoke clouds.

Being carried out of the burning home.

Being left in the grass only to stare at my house as it consumed both of my parents.

My head starts to throb. I slap both of my hands to my ears and push. The pictures are pushing themselves out, and I have to keep them in. I can’t let them out.

The pain intensifies, and there is nothing that I can do to stifle the shrill scream that tears itself from my body and out into the surrounding air. My knees give out leaving me to land right on top of the bodies that belong to the boys I’d once looked after.

Flashbacks of the past along with more recent memories whizz around in my head. Each one hitting every corner of my skull as hard as possible. I’m bombarded with memories from every point in time from my life. I can’t get a hold on what belongs to the present. I can’t find my way out of the past.

All of my terrors. All of the trauma. All of the hurt. All of it feels as though it’s happening to me for a second and third time. This time faster. The sounds surrounding me. My own screaming. My own crying. My own shouting. Everything plays before me like a surround sound movie with no stop button. It’s like I’m watching myself go through it all again, and there is nothing that I can do beside watch it happen and feel the pain twice over.

I don’t know where I am, but I don’t want to be here.

I don’t know where I am, but I don’t want to be here anymore.

I don’t want to be here anymore
.
I don’t want to be here.

I don’t want to be here!

My head snaps to the side.

The images vanish instantly. The movie of my life stops, and all that’s left is black and the sound of shouting.

This time not my own.

I open my eyes slowly and turn my head back to its original position. The distinct feeling of stinging blooms across the side of my face.

Ouch.

I take a hand and bring it to my cheek. Fuck, that hurt. Blinking a few times, I see that I’m no longer surrounded by bodies or rubble. I’ve somehow ended up on the sidewalk of an entirely different street. I blink a few more times and finally notice the two boys in front of me. Tao’s palm is in the air and glowing a bright pink. Jongin looks ghostly, and as though he is 5 seconds away from having his own panic attack. Both of his hands are on my shoulders, holding my stiff frame up. The both of them seem to be holding their breath as they stare at me, and I stare back at them dumbly. My eyes start watering at the pain from being (what looks like) bitch-slapped. “Ow…” I breathe out. At the small sound both of them visibly relax. Jongin lets out a mix between a sigh and a laugh and his eyes begin to shine with unshed tears. Tao sighs gratefully and drops his hand back to his side, his head drops, and I can hear him…laughing.

In the blink of an eye I’m sandwiched between the two tall towers in a hug. Tao’s laughing quickly turns into crying, and then muffled apologizing. The amount of pressure being exerted between the two of them is suffocating, and instead of trying to breathe through it, I opt to hold my breath until they let go.

Once I’m released I take in a deep breath. Jongin cups my cheeks with shaking hands and Tao wipes at his own face. The taller looks off into the distance.

“Take her back home.” Tao’s voice is hoarse. “Make sure she doesn’t do anything stupid when you get back.” He gives me a look that I can’t decipher before he wraps his arms around me in another quick hug, stands up, and then walks off. Stupid? What does he think I’ll do?

You’re well aware of what he thinks you’re going to do.

I grimace at myself. Jongin stands, and shakily holds a hand out for me to grab. With him doing most of the work, I get up on my feet again.

I don’t know what I should say.

“Don’t freak out. Just relax.” He mumbles. One of his arms hold me flush against his body while the other cups the back of my head and presses it securely to his shoulder. A slight breeze blows by before it feels as though my entire body is being ripped through space.

The house in the 2nd ring is suddenly in front of me. He slowly lets me go, and then everything happens at once.

My entire body aches as though I’ve just gotten into an accident and gotten whiplash. I fall to my knees in front of him only to throw up right at his feet. I feel sick. I feel like I’m dying.

Am I dying?

I kind of hope that I am.

Seconds later, Kris and Luhan come out of the house. I feel woozy from all of the recent stimuli, Luhan is yelling at Jongin, and Kris has picked me up off the ground. It’s all too much.

My entire body feels cold, but I can feel the sweat rolling off my skin. I open my mouth to try and tell Luhan to stop yelling at Jongin, but no sounds dare come out. The shouting continues, and I give in to the exhaustion and let my brain finally shut itself down.

Notes