A week passes of Luhan trying to help me turn into the model human. I am going to be transformed into the perfect little person for a Queen to possess and own. The ideal China doll for a woman of her stature to play around with. From an ugly duckling, to a graceful swan. I doubt that this’ll be very successful; I think that all of his efforts thus far are going straight to waste. We’d been working on this for hours today already, and it feels like the only thing I’ve managed to achieve is sufficiently frustrate both him and myself.

And not in the good way.

Our lessons have been blocked off to occur from 6am to 6pm. 12 hours of nearly nonstop time with teacher Luhan. We dress in our everyday clothes, nothing special, and most of our time is spent outside. I was informed that I will almost never actually be outside if I get chosen, but its “better to prepare for the unexpected”. By getting use to the worst conditions, I’d be better prepared for the better ones.

Sounds like a load of bologna to me.

My lessons would be broken in to 2 parts. Posture and then Behavior. Saying it was 2 parts, was stupid to me. It was more Behavior, and then a small section of posture.

General posture.

General behavior around Gaia and Charmers in public.

Behavior in private with a Gaia.

Behavior in private with a Charmer

Behavior in private with male humans.

Behavior in private around other female humans.

Behavior when in the presence of the Queen.

We would go in depth on behavior since that was most important. In order to fit in, I had to treat each person the way that I am taught. That will take the longest, but for right now, I have to get passed the Gods forsaken posture portion.

“You stand like a caveman.” We stand in the sun, working on my lessons. “You need to stand like a ballerina. Stand like you’re important.” Luhan commands. I huff and cross my arms over my chest. I hold my chin high and arch my back. My legs were spread and I felt securely grounded, but like a complete and utter idiot. Nothing like a ballerina.

But this is how I’ve seen ‘important’ people stand. He grimaces at my stance and has the audacity to scoff out a laugh. “Are you trying to be cute right now?” he asks. I stop my impending pout and quickly catch myself. I’m not trying to be cute, because I’m not cute.

I am the night.

I am to be feared.

I am darkness incarnate.

“I don’t know how people look important. That’s what you’re supposed to be teaching me right now, and you’re doing a piss poor job if I do say so myself.” I grumble. Letting me pose stupidly while making snide comments isn’t teaching me anything.

“Okay, let’s start over. Get in your natural neutral position.”

I huff again, let my arms hang at my side, and bring my feet in. This whole thing is making me feel stiff and anxious. How the fuck do you stand like you’re important? That makes no sense. Luhan steps behind me and places his hands on my shoulders. “Roll them back.” I relax at his touch and do as he instructs. “Make an ‘L’ with your hand, and use it to lift up your head.” I stick my L to my neck and it makes me raise my head, this time a lot lower than where I was lifting it before. His hands go to rest on my ribcage and my lower back. “Lift up, but don’t forcefully arch your back.” I straighten my back as he keeps me from lifting my chest too much or poking my butt out.

His hands make their way to my hips and suddenly I can’t remember how to breathe. “Tuck in your butt.” He murmurs.

He’s too close again.

My clothes are already sticking to my back, saturated in my own sweat thanks to the brutal beams of the sun. I already feel hot from the searing weather, and yet another heat scorches through me internally. I can feel his breath ghosting across my neck and I lose my ability to simultaneously think and breathe. His hands slide under my shirt and the pads of his thumbs rub against the skin of my love handles as he leans in further; my nerves go haywire from the small action. My eyes close at his soft touch. His lips brush against the outer shell of my ear and his name breathily escapes from my lips.

“June.” I grab one of his hands at the sound of my name and guide it to the top of my jeans. “June…” He hesitates at the top of the material and I squeeze it reassuringly. I want this. His delicate hand slides under the elastic of my underwear to where I want it most. “JUNE!”

I wake in my bed startled. My eyes fly open only to be greeted with the sight of Luhan’s face not even 3 inches away from my own. Said boy is staring intensely; my heart is still pounding from my dream, and my body is alarmed at realizing that my imagination created the situation that I thought I was in.

“I’ve been calling your name for like 5 minutes.” He says watchfully. I take my hands and shove him out of my face so that I can sit up. He continues to stare at me, and I feel a confusing mix of embarrassment and smugness. Where is this smug feeling coming from?

“Go. I need to change for training.” Luhan nods and makes it all the way to the door before he turns around with a shit eating grin.

“Did you know that you talk in your sleep?” he questions.

Fuck. My eyes widen and his grin gets even wider as he mimics my voice pathetically whimpering his name. I grab my pillow and chuck it as hard as I can at his head. He stops it midair without lifting a finger and it falls with a dull thud to his feet. Laughing loudly, he leaves. I groan and fall back on my mattress. This is going to be a long training period.

---

Luhan and I stand in the backyard and commence our training. Luckily, my embarrassing morning isn’t brought up during practice. While the latter half of my dream was nothing but that, a dream, the first part was based on true events. Our lesson from 2 days ago to be more accurate. It was a struggle trying to find a pose that didn’t make me feel like an idiot, but yesterday we had made some progress.

Today I’ve finally got a hang of how to stand intimidatingly. We decided that important was a poor word for me to relate to, so he told me to look intimidating without crossing my arms over my chest. One hand sits on my hip and the other hangs loosely at my side. My head is tilted ever so slightly and I sit in my hip. My face is level with his and I adorn the blank face that I wore daily in the 3rd ring.

“Whoa. You actually look scary.” I give him a brief smirk before frowning again. If I have to do this, then I better commit. The pose feels weirdly fitting, and I feel like with just a look I could shut down anything. I feel powerful.

Mean.

But powerful.

“Now stand like that for the next hour.”

“What?!” I drop my arm and look at him angrily. He smiles innocently and squints at the sky.

“Muscle memory. If you stand here long enough, you’ll be able to easily remember this stance. Now, get back in position and stand there.” I scowl but resituate myself. It takes me a few minutes to rediscover my position, but when I do I glare straight at Luhan. He sits in a lawn chair across from me and I send him my deadliest looks while his tablet soars over to him. He begins to read in silence.

What an asshole.

---

I stand as I’m told for the whole fucking hour, and my shirt is soaked in my own sweat. I should have taken my shirt off beforehand. Being in just an athletic bra would have made this less unbearable. Luhan’s tablet rings. “Time’s up.” He tells me. I groan and let my body collapse on the ground. All of my muscles have turned to jelly and just the thought of standing back up makes my body scream in protest. Who would have thought that just standing still would cause me so much physical strain?

I stare up at the sun frustrated. Why does it have to be so hot and why do I have to be out here right now? Maybe I should call this whole thing off. I don’t even need to go to the castle. I’ll just live in the woods or something. I can find another human village and maybe they’ll take me in. Who needs equality anyway?

Brushing off my thoughts, I take off my shirt, and let the late September wind blow against the sweat on my body. “I’m tired, so let’s take a small break. 30 minutes, and then we’re back here again.” He stands up from his chair and stands over me. “Did you hear me?” my head rolls in his direction and I glare at him again.

“Yes, I heard you. You are tired. 30 minutes. I’ll be here.” I say snippily. He smiles before walking off. I sit up and reach for the pitcher of water that was placed by Luhan’s chair. I need to replenish the liquid that evaporated from my body. The air shifts and suddenly Jongin is standing right next to the spot that I was pulling away from. My arm flinches when I scream, and I spill all of the water into the grass.

At least it’s going towards a good cause I guess.

I place a wet hand to my erratic heart and the boy smiles apologetically. “Sorry, I forgot you aren’t use to…us.” He says. I shake my head, rejecting his misconception.

“No that’s not it. You just appeared out of nowhere. I wasn’t expecting it.” I assure him. This is the first time that Jongin has shown up for lessons, and I was beginning to think that he wasn’t going to come. He had no obligation to after all. His arrival just startled me, I was…use to the fact that he could teleport by now. He looks around the yard in search of, I assume, Luhan. “We’re taking a half hour break. Here sit with me.” I pat the area in front of me after explaining the temporary absence of the other male. He looks towards the wet spot momentarily and situates himself a foot from it. I scoot closer to him.

“So, um…what have you learned so far?” he asks hesitantly. I groan at the mention of my lessons. My body throbs in reminder of the hour I just spent standing.

“Nothing. I’ve learned how to stand here and pretend that I’m not dying from the inside out.” He smiles at the exaggeration. “I’m like 5 seconds away from kicking him in the jaw.” I admit. “He’s torturing me.”

“You’ll be okay, I believe in you.” I blink shocked after his encouraging comment, he smiles briefly before looking away.

I’m proud of how much progress we’ve made. From not talking at all to having simple conversation. He even attempts to look me in the eyes. It never lasts long, but I can tell how much effort he’s putting in, in order to be comfortable around me. It makes me want to try even harder as well.

“How are you doing?” I ask hoping that I haven’t crossed one of our unspoken boundaries. We’re on the way to casual friendliness, but we still have stories that we aren’t ready to tell one another. I respect his privacy, and he’s made no attempt to invade mine.

Well besides the time he came into my room. But that was excusable.

He shrugs his shoulders and utters a simple, “Same as usual.”

That wasn’t much. Even less than I’d hoped.

But I’m not going to press him for information. Luhan comes strolling out of the house and brightens when he sees the younger boy. It’s obvious that he cares for the other male. Jongin stands and the two chat, leaving me to sit and enjoy the last few minutes of my break.

Jongin stays for an hour to help. We spend it trying to perfect my neutral position. When Luhan gets either too brutal with his demands, or too touchy with his hands, Jongin is there to call him out.

It’s strange, having Luhan as a teacher. While “teaching” Luhan is actually fairly professional. He doesn’t flirt at any given second during our lessons, and he never brings up unrelated subjects. While that’s nice, it’s important to know that he’s a hard ass. His method of training involves a lot of what he calls ‘tough love’. Mainly meaning him being brutally honest, making me suffer physical labor, and occasionally hurting my feelings. It sucks.

When Jongin leaves, my spirit goes with him. It’s as if having him around provided me with just a bit more energy to carry on. His absence saddens me and I begin to dread the rest of this session. Luhan seems to sense my sudden drop in mood and gives me a two-hour break to nap, eat, whatever.

I definitely use that time to sleep.

The day goes on with him tweaking and critiquing my stance, and if I have to hear one more thing about the way I stand from him today, I might just snap. Standing like this is hard, I feel exposed and open to attacks, but I understand why he’s making me do this. He knows what my default position is. We both know that I would be caught immediately with my normally hunched and closed off stance. And if I go in, my go to stance needs to be this new one.

That doesn’t make me want to punch him any less though.

More days pass like this, and I lose track of just how long I’ve been going to these session. Every day I wake up at the butt crack of dawn. Train with Luhan for 184 hours. Having him break me down just rebuild me as a new person. Sometimes having Jongin show up and me chatting with him. Him becoming less wary around me. Me falling asleep at night usually forgetting to eat.

The whole process was extremely draining.

---

The weather today is terrible.

The skies are dark, the usually bright sun hidden behind somber grey clouds. The rain falls in a heavy rhythmic pattern that is surprisingly soothing. The occasional flash of lighting paired with its thunder would sporadically resound through the sky. Together it all made the atmosphere very solemn, but I was loving it.

There was a mutual understanding that there would be no training today. I woke around noon to find everyone still home, and congregated in the living room with their tablets. Trying to get them to do something besides burn out their eyes from staring too long at the illuminated screens, I voiced my own desire to have a movie day. Let’s instead burn out our eyes together looking at a larger screen. It’s been a while since I last saw a movie, and with this weather, curling up on the couch sounds heavenly.

And they all complied. Some (*coughs* Tao) more reluctantly than others.

Kris popped popcorn, Luhan and I shared a blanket on one of the couches and Tao lied on the ground in front of us. Even with the boom of the thunder shaking the very foundation of the house, we were all relaxed. We went around the room choosing what movies to watch.

Luhan chose some obscure action movies.

Kris wanted to watch a superhero…or antihero movie called Deadpool and then totally switched it up by following that suggestion with Barbie’s Swan Lake.

Tao chose a sad time-period flick and then some musical about a witch and a house that fell on top of her. There was something about some shoes and tiny people.

I went with a random scary movie that caught my attention. Then looking through the movie collection, I saw what looked like it would be a comedy but turned out to be a sad romance movie. Even though I was mistaken by the genre, it was still a pretty good film.

The day passes by leisurely, and the four of us comfortably watch movies in the company of one another while the sky wept above us. At some point Luhan is kicked off the couch, and Kris and Tao decide to flank me on either side. It was a tight fit, but the body warmth from the men was welcome.

At midnight we all call it a night, or rather I call it a night and they agree. I physically can’t stay up too late after all of the recent early wakeup calls. I had been dozing off while the last movie (that I had chosen) played. Before I got too far up the stairs Luhan told me that we would practice tomorrow regardless of the weather. I waved him off and with a goodnight to the others, retreated to my room.

We didn’t do anything, but I was exhausted. Yeah, it was fun just relaxing and watching movies with the guys, but sleeping is more fun. At least in my book it is.

I prepared for bed, my room illuminated now only by the dull artificial light of my bedside lamp. It’s quite an ugly lamp. I regretted breaking the first one I had that first day I met Kris and Luhan.

Even in the dark of the night, the storm continues on. The raindrops rhythmically fall against the roof, windows, and ground creating soft music around the house. I’ve always loved the rain. There’s something about watching the droplets fall from the sky that’s just absolutely hypnotizing and, dare I say, romantic. Watching the rain has always been my thing. Watching it in silence and letting the pitter patter of the drops serve as my only source of sound is something I can only enjoy in solitude. I can get lost in my thoughts and imagination. I don’t have to do anything but let my mind wander while letting the water droplets race to the ground.

I’m only slight sad that I couldn’t watching it today, but it isn’t too bothersome. Being inside with others is more enjoyable when it rains as well. Luckily the shower has continued for as long as it has and can lull me to sleep.

I’m tucked in ready to go to sleep for the night. Already I can feel the dread at having to go back to training after the break. Breaks are honestly addictive. Pushing the worries and apprehension towards tomorrow away, I reach across my bed to turn off the last little light in my room.
At least I was, until he appeared.

Out of the blue, the boy was standing in the middle of my bedroom. The exhaustion and calm that had begun to settle in my body evaporates in mere milliseconds.

My arm drops from its reach towards the lamp, and along with it my mouth. His clothes are ridiculously drenched, his body shaking, and he is seemingly…crying. My mouth snaps closed and I scramble off my bed in a state of panic. A hundred and one questions race through my mind as I try to make sense of the situation. What is going on right now?

“Jongin?”

Upon closer inspection I can see that he is in fact in tears, and his shaking is too violent and too silent to be a result of solely the wet clothes. He looks… traumatized. The questions begin to spill from my mouth involuntarily as my alarmed concern for the boy grows.

“Jongin, what happened? Oh God. Why are you wet? Were you out in the rain? How long were you out there? WHY were you out there? Why are you here?!” My mind is all over the place and my hands fly around as if they can grasp an answer from the air. I don’t know what to do. Should I get Kris?

I should go get Kris.

“I’m going to go get Kris.” I tell him. The taller man will know what to do. This is way above my paygrade.

A step towards the door is all that I’m able to make before I’m yanked back and Jongin squishes me in the cold embrace of his arms. The squelch from the collision of our bodies is loud. The wet fabric of his clothes dampen my own, and I shiver at the new and uncomfortable feeling. He feels cold.

Too cold.

Another flood of astonishment washes over me. This is the first time that he has ever initiated any kind of physical interaction with me. We have gotten more comfortable around one another, but this is more something I would do rather than him. Something terrible must have happened. Lost in my thoughts it takes me a moment to realize that he isn’t moving, as if he is waiting for me to react.

After the initial shock passes at having being thrown into this situation all of the sudden, I hug him back tightly. My arms wrap around his waist as tightly as they can, and it’s like something finally breaks in him.

He cries harder.

What were once silent tears and gentle trembling turns into violent sobs that shake both of our bodies. I say nothing but rub his back and let him cry in to my shoulder. I feel entirely shaken up by this sudden encounter. The wet clothes against my own, his cold body contrasting mine, his sudden display of emotion all of it is entirely too much for me to process properly.

A few moments pass and his sobs become significantly less intense. Taking that as a signal that I should let him go, I pull away from his arms hesitantly. I’m able to detach myself from his body, but his grip only moves from around my back to my arms. He clutches them to keep me from moving too far away, but enough for me to be able to take a step back to look at him.

“You need to get out of these clothes.” I murmur cautiously. He hiccups. Since he isn’t saying anything to protest I take that as the go ahead to guide him to my bathroom. I put down my toilet cover and sit Jongin on it while I turn on the water so he can take a hot shower. He sniffles pitifully, and I kneel down to look at him. “I’m going to go get you some clothes, I want you to take a warm shower.” I say slowly hoping to mask the tremor in my own voice. I stand up but he swiftly grabs my wrist.

“D-Don- I- Don’t-” he mutters around quiet sniffles. Don’t leave me here. I understand his request even though he doesn’t verbally complete it. I caress his hand with my free one and look him directly in the eyes.

“I’m coming right back. I won’t be gone long.” His teary eyes water further and don’t break our eye contact. “I promise. I won’t leave you here for long.” I assure him. He searches my face and I stare back unmoving. I don’t know what he’s looking for, but I’ll let him do it for as long as he needs.

He takes in a shaky breath but finally releases his grip so that I can slide my hand out of his. We look at each other for a second more before I try to leave the bathroom without appearing as frantic as I feel. As soon as I close the door I sprint directly into Tao’s room.

“Don’t ask me any questions, give me your pajamas.” I demand as soon as I’m through the doorway. He looks up from going through his clothing drawer to my frazzled appearance and tosses me a pair of bottoms and a top without hesitation. “I need underwear too.”

“What-”

“I’ll explain later.” He hesitates before closing and opening another drawer. I’m thrown a pair of briefs and I thank him before running back into my own room. I’ll try to explain myself tomorrow.

I don’t know what happened, or why he chose to appear in my room. However, I can only assume he doesn’t want the others to know. I lock my bedroom door, and with a deep breath I turn around and walk over to the bathroom. I can hear the water still steadily running, and it sounds like he’s in there…that’s good.

I knock on the door and wait for the sound of the water to turn off. The door opens slowly and the top half of the boy appears. A large cloud of steam escapes from the room. His hair is sticking up at different angles and he looks slick with the warm water. I hand him the clothes I gathered and he closes the door after taking them.

I sit on my bed and chew on my thumbnail nervously. Thunder cracks in the distance. The rain falls harder.

His eyes are still just as puffy as when I’d left him. He seems absolutely broken. He looks like he just witnessed his own death.

Maybe he did.

The door creaks open and I turn my full attention back to the boy who showed up in my room unannounced. Tao’s clothes fit him better than I anticipated, and he looks at least 5 years younger standing in the doorframe of the bathroom in the new clothes. I stand up abruptly and he looks down at his interlocked fingers.

Ashamed.

He looks ashamed.

“I- I’m uh sor-”

“It’s fine.”

Silence.

“Can I…um sle-”

“Of course.” I respond without hesitation, answering his unfinished request. He looks at me thankfully. He crosses the room and starts to set up a spot to sleep on the floor beside my bed. “Don’t be stupid.” I say getting under my covers. His actions halt. “Get up here. I’m not letting you sleep on the floor like that.” I hold my comforter up so that he can crawl in next to me.

I’d rather he be up here within arm’s reach than on that hard floor. The command might have been more for my own sanity than his, but I refuse to sleep with him out of my immediate reach and sight. I know how badly he needs comfort right now, even if he can’t ask for it himself.

When he makes no move to crawl up, I flap the blanket. He stands up and finally slides in the bed next to me. I turn off my lamp, leaving us in partial darkness. We lie there facing one another, our faces occasionally illuminated by the moonlight breaking through the thick rain clouds.

This situation feels weirdly familiar.

“You should get some rest.” I tell him.

“I should.” He confirms. We continue staring at each other in the darkness.

“You can’t do that if you’re looking at me.”

“I know.”

More silent staring.

I take my hand from its position under my pillow and lie it palm up between us. When he doesn’t grab it I nudge it against his shoulder. Grab my hand you dummy.

He waits, but eventually places his own cold hand in mine. I let his palm sap away my body’s heat. He smiles softly and I grin back before closing my eyes and snuggling further into my blankets. This is nice. This is good.

“Goodnight Jongin.” I yawn out.

“…goodnight…June.”

I fall asleep holding his hand with a smile.

Notes