Confessions

- Three -

Jinyoung could only stare after Mark as the older boy leadYoungjae from the room, his heart dropping at the loss of two of his safety nets. His head was spinning slightly, the warm burn of alcohol making his cheeks flush red. However, with the lack of moral support he suddenly felt far too sober, cracking open another beer in a hurry. Jackson was on his feet only moments after Mark departed, a sudden urgency in his eyes, wishing Jinyoung and Jaebum goodnight as he scuttled towards his bedroom.

'Kids can't hold their drink.' Jaebum grumbled, moving to set his empty can on the table and missing it by about a meter. 'Hm, shit.'

Jinyoung set his still half-full beer down successfully, getting to his feet and feeling the alcohol thrum in his veins, the room blurring before his eyes. You never realised how drunk you were until you decided to move. 'I think it's time we all went to bed.' Jinyoung smiled with sympathy, stretching melodramatically to disguise his sudden urgent need to remove himself from Jaebum's presence. The older boys gaze was always a little too much, too strong when it was focused solely on one person. Jinyoung always buckled beneath it, and this situation was no different.

He startled when Jaebum snatched his hand urgently, pulling him down to the floor. 'Stay for a bit, Jinyoungie,' he crooned, his lips quirked in a lazy smile. He looked like a cat who'd had too much cream, content and languorous as he leant on an elbow, long legs stretched out. Jinyoung's heart was pounding like a drum, but his body felt like lead and he couldn't find the strength to run away or argue further. The older boys fingers were warm around Jinyoung's fingers, and the younger pulled away from his grip almost too abruptly in his nervousness. Jaebum didn't seem to notice his agitation, and Jinyoung took comfort in how loose the older boy would become under the influence.

Settling back against the sofa, Jinyoung crossed his legs and took his beer to hand again, needing something to hold onto as his thoughts burned in his mind. Jaebum was staring at him intently, his strong gaze driving Jinyoung into a corner. 'It's different to how we used to be, isn't it?'

'In what way?' Jinyoung asked quietly, pulled in by Jaebum's unusually soft tone. The two of them rarely shared quiet words, Jaebum always preferring to leave Jinyoung with burning questions and a heavy heart.

'You've changed a lot, now that we're with these guys,' Jaebum paused at every other word, sluggish and clumsy. 'You used to be so awkward. I admit I wasn't much better, though.' He chuckled softly, deep and throaty, and Jinyoung felt a soft smile tug at his own lips. He'd watched Jaebum trade words easily like this with the other members, and he was warmed to be on the receiving end of his affection for once .'I really made you hate me, didn't I?' Jaebum asked seriously, his smile fading in anticipation of Jinyoung's response. Jinyoung didn't even have to think.

'I don't hate you.'

'You did before, though. I didn't give you any reason to like me.'

'I've never hated you, hyung.'

Jaebum raised an eyebrow, and the younger was confused as he watched him get to his feet, leaning over to crack open another beer. The older boy sat down heavily beside Jinyoung, throwing an arm around his shoulder sloppily. Jinyoung tensed immediately, but Jaebum was too gone to notice. This was definitely a good time to get drunker, Jinyoung thought, and he nearly choked on his beer as when he necked it back, causing Jaebum to burst out in laughter, patting his back roughly and - honestly - making it worse.

Jaebum was really, really strong, his palm thudding against the hollow of Jinyoung's back. 'I'm fine, I'm fine.' Jinyoung pleaded, thankful when his hyung relented. However, he couldn't hold back the yelp that left his lips when the older boy lay back against the arm of the chair, pulling Jinyoung down to lie awkwardly against his chest. He was startled by the older mans clinginess, the outward affection he was showing. Jaebum could be touchy, but it was usually shown to Yugyeom or Jackson, and always in a more rough bro-type manner. Jinyoung's nose was pressed into Jaebum's shirt, and he could smell the older boys cologne, feel his hard chest beneath him, how it rose and fell. He let out a shaky breath, waiting for Jaebum to say something, but he just lay there with an arm over Jinyoung and the other hanging loosely off the sofa, beer dangling precariously in his lax grip.

'Why were you so harsh with me before?' Jinyoung breathed, almost hoping Jaebum wouldn't hear, but when he glanced up he saw those strong eyes crack open as if the older had been on the brink of slumber. He watched his adams apple bob as he swallowed, licking his lips. When he looked down at the younger, Jinyoung found himself wishing he was gazing at him like that for another, more impossible, reason.

'You have no idea how tempting you are, do you?' Jaebum's voice rumbled, voice thick and eyes dark. Jinyoung felt his heart pick up speed, Jaebum's chest vibrating against his cheek as he spoke. 'I was stuck with you every day when we were trainees. Hormones flying all over the place and having to question my sexuality every time I saw you... it made me so confused and angry. I just ended up taking it out on you, I guess.'

Jinyoung's eyes were wide, shocked beyond speech. Jaebum took a long sip from his beer, his head tilted back and exposing his neckline to Jinyoung's thirsty stare. His mind was racing, coming up with every reason why he shouldn't believe what Jaebum was saying, that he was drunker than he felt, that his eyes and ears were lying to him, that he was finding meaning where there was none. Jaebum's tongue darted over his lips again, and Jinyoung followed the motion, the heat of the older boy's body beneath him becoming unbearable.

'I thought that if I rejected you I could reject how I was feeling, so I just kept pushing you away. It was easier when these guys came along, it wasn't just us anymore. Watching you grow, though... honestly, I'm hungry.' His eyes roved darkly over Jinyoung's face, and Jinyoung felt a sudden anger rise in him.

He rose dizzily from where he lay, clumsily straddling Jaebum's hips and pulling at the collar of his shirt, eyebrows knitted in frustration. 'If this is your idea of a joke, it's not funny,' he hissed, eyes growing wet with tears. He'd taken enough torture from Jaebum's indifference over the years, yet this sudden play of affection hurt so much more. 'I don't like being toyed with, hyung. Do you think my feelings are something you can laugh at? Do you know how much I've endured because of who I am, what I am?'

His hands were shaking where they gripped at the fabric of Jaebum's shirt, and the older boy leaned forward, his eyes soft as he tried to catch Jinyoung's faltering gaze. Soft sobs left the youngers lips against his will as his chin fell to his chest, ashamed to be seen in such a pathetic state. He heard Jaebum set his beer down on the floor, the soft clink seeming loud in the silence of the dorm. Jinyoung jumped slightly when his chin was caught in the older boy's strong grip, forcing him to look into his eyes. He resisted for a moment, but Jaebum held him still, eyes imploring.

'Do you think I'm the kind of guy who'd take something like this lightly?' His voice was barely above a whisper, 'I'm scared too.'

Jinyoung met his gaze weakly, feeling the wetness on his own cheeks as he worried his bottom lip with his teeth. His mind was a mess, humiliated to be seen this way, to be touched and spoken to so gently by someone who'd always treated him so coldly. A shaky breath left his lips as Jaebum ran a hand along his thigh, resting it on his hip, his eyes raking over him.

'We were just kids when we met, but I couldn't stop looking at you even then. Lately it's like I've blinked and you've become even more perfect.' He smiled up at Jinyoung drunkenly, 'Sometimes I can't sleep at night, knowing you're in your room all alone... ah, you could be doing anything in there.' He winked, and Jinyoung batted at him half-heartedly, mock disgust on his face. Jaebum chuckled, wiping Jinyoung's tears away before trailing his hand down to thumb at his lip, eyes lingering there. 'I wonder, you know, if you ever think about me the same, how many people you've touched, kissed.'

'None,' the word was barely audible, but Jaebum's eyes glinted, his hand dropping to loosely rest at Jinyoung's throat. 'It's not that straight forward, you know. People like me can't just walk outside and pick someone up. My crushes stay just that - a crush.'

'I can change that if you'll let me,' Jaebum breathed, rubbing circles into Jinyoung's neck. 'It'd be a crime if lips like yours went unkissed any longer.' Jinyoung couldn't help but roll his eyes at the cheesiness Jaebum was oozing, even if his heart sped up at the thought of the older boy's lips against his own. 'Yah, I'm serious.' he griped, a laugh on his lips. He sat up, maneuvering Jinyoung back against the sofa, hovering above the younger boy with intent.

How many times had Jinyoung dreamt of this situation, of having Jaebum looking at him this way? Even with the alcohol blurring his thoughts, his chest was still tight with trepidation, the urge to run almost urgent. As Jaebum leaned closer, the younger reached out a hand, stilling him when he laid it firmly against the older boys broad chest.

'If you regret this tomorrow, don't let this affect the group.' He warned, pulling strength from somewhere even though his heart was desperate for Jaebum to consume him entirely, regardless of the repercussions.

Jaebum nodded softly, resting his arm above Jinyoung's head as he leaned but a breath away from the youngers lips. 'I won't regret this.'

Jinyoung's head span as the older boy's warm lips pressed against his own, firm and sincere, his eyes fluttering shut at the sensation. He'd wanted this for so long and he lost himself in the sensation for a moment, letting the older boy push against his mouth with practiced motions, urging jinyoung to follow his lead. He began to kiss back quickly enough, tentatively rolling with the other boys rhythm, his hands finding their way to Jaebum's back, fingers digging into his shoulder blades. Jaebum deepened the kiss, and Jinyoung found himself quickly frustrated with his own lack of experience, his thoughts whirling over whether Jaebum was disappointed, whether he'd pull away in disgust soon enough.

His thoughts flew apart, though, when the older rolled his hips against his own. Jinyoung gasped against his lips at the friction, eyes flying open for a moment when Jaebum's tongue delved in to tangle with his own. So this was what he'd been missing. Though Jinyoung didn't have anything to compare him to, he still felt he could make a fair observation in naming Jaebum a good kisser. They were both breathing heavily, kisses broken by gasps for air every few seconds, and Jinyoung threaded his fingers into Jaebum's short hair, pulling him in closer, kissing back with urgency.

Jaebum seemed surprised by his sudden dominance, pausing momentarily before letting the younger explore his mouth. Jinyoung jumped when a hand trailed between them, dancing its way down his chest before pressing roughly against his crotch and palming at his semi-hard cock. His eyes rolled, his back arching at the new sensation. Jaebum's lips moved to his jaw, his throat, sucking and biting at the unexplored skin.

Jinyoung pushed Jaebum away firmly, and the older boy was startled, looking at him with an expression of confusion and dejection. 'What's wrong?' He asked brokenly, eyes hazy with want even as he frowned.

Jinyoung breaths were still heavy, wanting so desperately to kiss the man again, but he resisted. Firming his resolve he called upon the sober Jinyoung, begging for his guidance. 'Don't do something you'll regret, Jaebum,' he whispered harshly, almost pleading. If Jaebum continued, Jinyoung wouldn't have the strength to stop. It would break him if Jaebum ended up repulsed by Jinyoung's body, if his touch was replaced by disgust and the coldness he'd grown to know for so long. 'You've never touched a guy, right?' Jaebum nodded dumbly, 'If you don't like it, I don't want it to be my fault.'

'How could I not like it?' The older boy chuckled incredulously, looming over him once again. 'Hmm, Jinyoungie, you don't think I've thought about you in this way before? You don't know how many times I've wondered how you'd sound if I fucked you, how you'd look when i made you come...'

Jinyoung felt every blood cell in his body run south, every inch of skin tingling as Jaebum looked at him like prey, eyes hungry, devouring him. Just the idea of Jaebum fisting his cock and thinking about him would have got him off in minutes any other time, and he felt himself giving in to the older boy already.

'I won't do anything you don't want me to do.' Jaebum breathed against his lips, and Jinyoung finally snapped. He dragged Jaebum down to kiss him once again as he rolled his hips up to meet him, sucking at his lower lip before the older boy pulled away in surprise. He flashed a quick smirk before he consumed Jinyoung once again. His breath was thick with the taste of beer, but Jinyoung's couldn't have been much better. Somehow it made the kiss even headier, the feel of Jaebum's stubble against his jaw driving him crazy.

Jaebum sat back suddenly, breaking the kiss and leaving Jinyoung bewildered and disappointed, wondering if he'd done something wrong. He followed Jaebum's gaze dumbly, watching the older boy trail his eyes down Jinyoung's body before halting at his crotch. His breath caught when Jaebum began to fumble at his jeans button, pulling the zip down clumsily, making Jinyoung moan suddenly as the fabric loosened, erection shifting in his boxers. He threw his head back in shock when Jaebum's strong hand gripped him through the fabric, palming him as Jinyoung stared up at him in wonder, overwhelmed at the feeling of being touched where he'd never before been touched by another hand. Jaebum leaned down again, sucking at his throat and littering breathy kisses against his collarbone. 'So beautiful.' Jaebum all but growled against his skin, his palm pressing firmly against his cock and making Jinyoungs mind whirl.

Somewhere in the blur of sensations, he heard a door open, clumsy feet shuffling across the floor. He sat up abruptly, knocking Jaebum off balance. The older fell to the floor with a dizzy, confused look on his face, looking up at Jinyoung, a question on his tongue, but the younger shook his head frantically as he signaled Jaebum to stay quiet, turning his head to listen. The footsteps continued before he heard the bathroom door close. He pressed his palm to his heart in relief, and the sounds of retching quickly followed, both Jaebum and Jinyoung scrunching their faces in disgust, the vibe completely lost.

'If we're gonna do this, we're not doing it here.' Jinyoung stated firmly, and Jaebum nodded quickly. Jinyoung didn't miss the glint in the older's slanted eyes as he stood, though, and yelped when the older dragged him up, lifting him by his ass and carrying him on wobbly legs, lips locking again. The younger man wrapped his arms around the older's neck to keep himself up, legs locked at his lower back as he kissed back desperately. Jaebum's strength was such a fucking turn on.

The way to his bedroom seemed unusually long, Jaebum stumbling and knocking them into walls along the way. It took him a good minute to get the door to the maknae's room open, and Jinyoung detached himself from the older in frustration, getting back on his feet and leading the older quietly through into his own adjoining room. He pushed Jaebum hard onto his bed, seeing him bounce with a luxurious smile on his lips before he turned to pull the curtain across, hiding them away from the clear doors that led into the maknae's room. He didn't want to scar the kids if they woke up in the night - Yugyeom had once woken up to use Jinyoung's en-suite and walked in on the older boy jerking off, bursting into tears in embarrassment and causing an extremely awkward situation, an event Jinyoung never wanted to repeat.

He walked to the foot of the bed, pulling his shirt over his head and feeling his heart thumping wildly, caught between nervousness and anticipation. As he unveiled his bare chest, Jaebum turned his bedside lamp on and a sudden bout of insecurity rose in him at being exposed to the older boys eyes. The demon in question had arranged himself comfortably, sitting back against the headboard with his arms locked behind his head and his legs stretched out casually as if he was watching a show.

Jinyoung had kind of assumed they'd be doing this in the dark, where Jaebum wouldn't be able to see his imperfections. The older boy apparently noticed his momentary hesitation, leaning forward and cocking his head to the side with a soft smile. 'You okay over there?' His words were more slurred than before, and Jinyoung could tell from past observations that he had about half an hour before Jaebum would be out for the count.

'Take your shirt off.' He heard himself command with a voice far more confident than how he actually felt. He didn't have time to regret his words before Jaebum was smirking indulgently, pulling his shirt over his head as if unwrapping a present, and jinyoung really had never recieved anything this good. Jaebum was toned and broad, and Jinyoung drank in the sight of his flexing biceps, slender hips, his sharp v line, the sight of dark hair disappearing under his jeans. Absently, he trailed a hand down his own chest, not missing how the older boy's eyes followed the path hungrily. Jinyoung stilled when he reached his still open fly, teasing the material of his boxers. Jaebum was watching him expectantly, and Jinyoung's reservations had fled in his lust. 'Everything,' Jaebum raised an eyebrow as Jinyoung dropped formal speech, 'Take it all off.'

'Jinyoungie really is all grown up,' Jaebum crooned even as he fumbled with his belt, clumsy fingers tugging at his button and furiously pulling at his zipper. Jinyoung didn't know when his hand had moved lower, but he bit his lip at the feel of his own fingers dipping into his boxers, wrapping around his cock as he watched jaebum undress. The older boy's legs were long and pale, and Jinyoung watched with a dry mouth as Jaebum's abs rippled while he pulled his jeans off completely, sitting back again and teasingly pulling at the waistband of his boxers.

Jinyoungs mouth was dry, and he licked at his lower lip, swallowing in anticipation. He could see the shape of Jaebum's hard cock straining against the white fabric, and he gasped as he watched the boy slip a hand inside, slowly wrapping his fist around the thickness. Jaebum's head lolled, satisfaction in his features as he stroked himself slowly, those penetrating eyes never leaving Jinyoung's face.

They stayed like that for a moment before Jaebum finally gave Jinyoung what he was waiting for, pulling his boxers off completely. His legs fell open lazily, the younger boy's eyes raking over the newly exposed skin, and Jaebum raised an eyebrow cockily. Well, he certainly had something to be proud of, the younger man would at least give him that. He drank in the sight of Jaebum's length, the way it curved against his abdomen, the redness of the tip. It made his own cock twitch in his grip, just from knowing it was him that had the older boy so aroused. Jaebum shifted to his knees slowly, crawling down the bed until he kneeled before Jinyoung. He gripped his hips to pull him closer as he kissed him firmly, the younger man having to tilt his head down to meet the others lips. It was messy and full of teeth and tongue, but Jinyoung enjoyed it thoroughly nonetheless, greedy for Jaebum's attention.

Jaebum's hands slipped beneath the fabric of Jinyoung's boxers, squeezing the younger boy's ass roughly and making him gasp at the contact, at the pleasurable twinge that ran up his spine. The older boy kneaded the supple flesh in his strong hands, lips leaving Jinyoungs open mouth to nip at his throat, leaving open mouthed kisses on his chest and running his tongue over a pert nipple. The older spread his cheeks apart slowly as his mouth made its way down the younger boy's body, and Jinyoung felt his cock drip at the sensation, just the idea of Jaebum touching him between the parted flesh making his legs go weak. However, the older didn't bring Jinyoung's fantasy to fruition, instead pulling him closer suddenly and causing the younger man to fall upon him, knees landing to straddle Jaebum's thighs. The older man twisted, throwing Jinyoung down onto the bed and clambering atop of him, claiming his lips again in earnest.

They were grinding against each other with vigor now, the drag of Jaebum's cock almost too much for Jinyoung even through the fabric of his boxers. Jaebum nuzzled at his neck as Jinyoung gasped and writhed. 'I want to fuck you so bad,' he mumbled, and Jinyoung's head span, his cock filling out even more with just those breathy words pressed to his damp skin - but his mind won out with nervous worries, and he pushed Jaebum up and off him, switching their positions as he straddled the older man. 'What's wrong?' asked Jaebum blearily, face twisted with confusion as if Jinyoung had all but punched him in the face.

'Just this tonight,' he pointed between them vaguely, 'I.. I'm not ready for anything else.'

There was a pause as Jaebum took in his words slowly, and Jinyoung thought he'd ruined the moment entirely. As Jinyoung let himself succumb to the thought that he'd lost his chance to get Jaebum exactly where he wanted him, the older boy's eyes warmed, hands moving to hold his waist.

'That's fine. Like I said, I won't do anything you don't want me to.'

At those gentle words, Jinyoung's fears dissipated and he steeled himself to enjoy what he had in front of him. Jaebum was completely loose now, lust and exhaustion making him seem to be melting into the mattress. Jinyoung pulled his boxers down to his thighs in a quick, fluid motion, knowing he'd chicken out if he waited any longer. Taking a quick breath, he watched nervously as Jaebum's eyes opened wide to drink in the sight of his dripping cock.

The unrestrained desire in the older boy's gaze made Jinyoung bold, and he quickly took himself in hand as he scooted further up Jaebum's thighs, lowering himself slowly and hissing through his teeth when he pressed himself against Jaebum's length. The older boy groaned, hands gripping desperately at Jinyoung's ass and pulling him down harder to rut against him. Jaebum's voice was rough and strained, and Jinyoung was filled when he had to muffle that beautiful sound with a palm to the older boy's mouth, wishing he could indulge. He couldn't risk waking the maknae's, even if they slept like the dead. His own moans were barely audible, more gasps than anything else. every nerve was on fire but he had too much self control to let his voice out.

Jaebum was pulling him down against his cock almost frantically, setting a pace Jinyoung could only just keep up with while still being able to catch his breath, and he could feel pleasure building at the base of his spine, the telltale tightening of his balls. Their cocks were slick with precum, the slide delicious where they were trapped between their chests. Jaebum's hips rolled up against him like the tide of an unforgiving sea, sweat slick on their skin and lips bruised from rough kisses.

Jinyoung felt too hot, too good, and looking down to see Jaebum utterly lost in pleasure sent him hurtling over the edge. He groaned out loud, hips shuddering and rhythm faltering as thick ropes of cum shot between them. Jaebum's previously tightly shut eyes opened to fix upon him, thrusting against him roughly through his orgasm until Jinyoung shook one last time, going weak against Jaebum's chest.

The older tilted his head to kiss him deeply, filthily before rolling them over with ease. He kneeled, wrapping Jinyoung's hand around his hard cock. Jinyoung could only stare up in bewildered bliss, fisting Jaebum's slick length reverently. It was thick and heavy in his hand, and as he ran his thumb over the slit he watched the older boy tense suddenly. Jinyoung drank in the sight, etching the pleasure on Jaebum's face into his memory, the sound of his broken voice as he choked out Jinyoung's name. The older boy thrust weakly into Jinyoung's grip through his orgasm before he sagged against him, falling to the side of the younger man for a moment and panting heavily.

Jinyoung was on another planet, eyelids drooping and skin tingling. He grumbled slightly when Jaebum rolled from the bed and got to his feet, suddenly fearful the older would leave him as if nothing had happened. However, he watched as the man wobbled on drunk and sex-weak legs into Jinyoung's en suite, fear dissipating. He could only admire the view of Jaebum's toned backside, his muscles flexing as he walked haphazardly, bumping into the door frame as he went and fighting admirably to find the light switch. He returned a few moments later, a wet cloth in his hands. He cleaned Jinyoung off, and honestly the youngers heart swelled at the show of consideration

He'd already steeled himself for Jaebum to just roll off him and leave, so seeing him pull the sheets up as he climbed in beside the younger man, skin to skin on the single bed, pressing himself tightly to his side... it set him on fire. His cheeks flared at the feel of Jaebum's skin against his own completely, a broad chest pressed to his back as the older man nuzzled into his neck, absently kissing at the skin there. His breathing evened out after only a few moments, and Jinyoung assumed he'd fallen asleep. He let out a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding, relaxing back against the older boy.

It was as if he was having an out-of-body experience. Now, he felt completely numb, the opposite to the wild pounding of his heart he'd felt only minutes ago. Somehow, he just couldn't believe what had just happened to be true, his mind conjuring a thousand ways he could be dreaming or hallucinating. The arm slung over his waist was heavy and real, though, as were the warm breaths against the nape of his neck, the leg tucked between his own.

Fucked out and drowsy with booze, it still took him hours to find anything resembling sleep. He was frozen in place, scared to move a muscle incase it broke the spell he seemed to be under. While it was impossible for him to believe it was real, he still couldn't deny how right it felt. Being in Jaebum's embrace was something he'd longed for, craved for so long. He'd spent all these years thinking it could never happen, that the older boy was straight or homophobic or anything that meant he couldn't return Jinyoung's feelings, and here he was under the sheets with that same man - stark naked, too.

Jinyoung had often wrapped himself in thoughts of being lonely forever, finding it easier than hoping for anything else. He wanted to make his parents happy, give them a pretty wife and happy grandchildren even if it meant he was lying to everyone, including himself. To be gay in Korea meant nothing, at least that's how he felt.

He'd cruised the gay bars in Itaewon underage while he was still a trainee, lost in the sea of guys only looking for a hookup to relieve the pressure before they went home to their wives and girlfriends. Love was a naive thought that he rarely indulged, resigned to never feel the warmth of someone he loved. He was sure he'd fall in love with a woman in the end, but it would always be a friendship, an agreement. Even since he was a kid girls were just friends to him, while guys were the uncharted territory. A woman's touch wouldn't send his heart up in flames the way Jaebum's did.

By the time his eyes grew truly heavy and his thoughts increasingly distant and muffled, his head was already aching. Sleep was avoiding him like the plague. It was when he had become truly frustrated that he felt Jaebum shift, sighing softly before he stilled, tensed like a bow. Jinyoung didn't move, anxious to see what the older boy would do next, and felt his heart drop as the warmth of his body was replaced with the chill of the night.

His ears strained to listen to what Jaebum was doing, where he was going. He felt the sheets shift as he delicately removed himself from the bed as if sneaking away, footsteps gentle on the floor.

Jinyoung was awake when Jaebum left, and sleep didn't find him in any of the hours that followed.

-

Notes