Please Don't Get Too Friendly

~~2 weeks after the first practice~~

We adapted quickly in our new routine and we had gotten completely used to living all together. Soon enough, I felt like I had gotten much closer to Seo Hyun, Ji Yoon and Jung Ah unnie. But there was still the issue of Seung Hye. Ji Yoon had told us that her roomate had begun opening up to her a bit.

"You know, last night, just before going to bed, I heard unnie greet me good night!" she had told us excitedly one morning, after the person in question had gone to get dressed.

We had congratulated her happily, but we still had felt like something was wrong. After that, when we had been left alone, we had shared our thoughts and my friend told me something I would have never thought about.

"You, know, I have a bad feeling about this. You remember when manager-unnie refused to tell you why you were placed together, and that you should ask Seung Hye herself? That the answer might be unexpected? I have a feeling that Seung Hye might actually have asked the committee to put you together. You know, like, of her own will."

"But why would she have done that? Doesn't she hate me?"

"That's exactly it. She might have demanded that so she would be able to crush you quickly. Who knows? She is the type of person to do that."

Ever since that discussion, I kept thinking about it and I had trouble sleeping at night... but not only because of that. It was also because I began feeling much pressure as I felt my members rely on me more and more and my manager and teachers asking me more than ever to be perfect. I didn't know how to deal with all the stress it brought and after a week, I cracked. After practice, my members were used to me staying at the company later than them so I could practice more. Sometimes they stayed with me, but that day they didn't. At first, I had practiced singing until my throat was sore and dry. When that happened, I turned to dancing and did that until I couldn't move a single muscle and I was a sweating mess. I had lain down and sobbed unfashionably.

"Why? Why did I have to be the goddamned leader? It's so hard! They always ask more while they don't even know what I'm living! While they don't care about what I feel! Am I an object? A toy they can play with? Is that what a leader is to them? Someone they have to obey their every demand and expectation? I'm so tired of this! Can't you just listen to me once?" I had asked the blurred ceiling above my head, yelling.

For a while after that, I kept yelling incoherent sentences at the poor room I was in. Right then, though, the door opened suddenly. I turned my head and saw an unrecognizable form running towards me.

"Amy, are you okay?" had said a alarmed but soft voice that I knew well.

"Suho oppa," I had sobbed. "Help me, please... Tell me how to deal with all of this! It's so hard!"

I had cried in his arms for the next 5 minutes and he listened to every single one of my childish complaints calmly, stroking my hair soothingly.

"Are you okay now?" he had asked after I stopped crying loudly.

I had nodded and had wiped my eyes and nose.

"You're wondering how to deal with the pressure that comes with being a leader, huh? Well... There isn't really a best answer for that. It depends on how much pressure one can take. But still, it really is hard. At first, I was just like you. I threw tantrums and cried when everybody was gone so they wouldn't see my weakness. They needed me to be strong, even more so because we were 12. I can only guess how hard it is for you, even if I have never been the leader of 4 people."

"But how?" I had urged. "How do you deal with it? I need to know!"

He had laughed softly and looked at me with a tender, fatherly look in his eyes.

"I used my friend's support. You know that you have us, right? Even your members. I realised too late that they don't care that you can be weak sometimes. You're human. You can rely on them as much as they rely on you. You're a team after all, aren't you?"

It was at that moment that I understood that I shouldn't have shouldered this alone. That I should have trusted my members more and that I was trying to do everything myself. After the improvised counseling session, I had thanked Suho oppa and called my manager to come take me back home.

"By the way, oppa," I had called to him. "Why were you here?"

"Oh, you know.. This place witnessed a lot of the old Suho, the one that didn't trust anyone but himself to take on responsabilities. The one that threw tantrums everytime something went wrong. The one that cried when he couldn't take it anymore. It feels soothing coming here. When you debut and you get your own practice room on our floor, you'll still miss this place very much. And you'll do like me, you'll come back here to think about your old self, and maybe even talk to yourself. It really is helpful, I do that a lot when I'm concerned about something. Maybe you should try it too?" he had suggested, smiling at me before opening the door. "Oh, and congrats on being in your pre-debut period!" he had winked before leaving me alone.

I had laughed alone before going out myself and wait for my manager to come pick me up. I still texted with Sasha after all this time. Some nights, because I was so tired, I did forget to send her an email about my day but she was understanding and let it go everytime. That night, I didn't tell her about my breakdown. I only told her that I was becoming stronger with the help of everyone and that I couldn't wait to let her see how I had evoluted. I felt like I shouldn't tell her the bad sides of being an idol. I didn't want her bubble to be popped, it would hurt her too much to know what I'm really going through. So I did what I thought was my job as her best friend and kept it for myself.

Keeping something from someone might not be a real lie, but it can hurt just as much.

Notes

Hi! Just so you know, I really like this chapter ^^ I feel like things like that actually happen. Well, maybe not the part where Suho comes in and takes care of his juniors, but the leaders of pre-debut groups breaking down because they feel too much pressure and that they keep it a secret from others so they don't know what they're going through... I feel like this happens a lot... But I might be wrong! Meh. Hope you still liked it even if it was kind of depressing :)

Thank you so much for reading me, it encourages me a lot to see how views are going up everyday :) I hope you still like this story although it might be long and moving slowly!
As always,
Saranghae :)