Forced love

I still don’t fully understand the concept of depression. It started towards the end of my 8th-grade year. I didn’t understand why, when I’m with my friends I would be happy but deep on the inside I felt so lonely. Transition to my high school, it got a little bit better. I feel happy. My parents are always arguing too, which wasn’t doing any good to the family or myself. I would always have thoughts of them actually having a divorce, years later I still think the same. I have no hatred towards my parents but I want them to be happy. Throughout my four years in high school, I have seen and done so many things. I was so close to self-harm. Well, I guess I did do some harm to myself. I’m a very suicidal person. I choked myself, run a knife through my skin, I even tried to hang myself once but hey, I’m still here right. In my junior year in high school, I distanced myself away from friends. I stop socializing, it made me become a worse person than I was already. I just kept walking in the dark. I wanted to get help, I was so scared of being judged. I was scared that my family would view me differently, My friends would see me as an attention seeker. I don’t want pity. I just wanted to be comforted and feel loved. Maybe I am just too arrogant to see how good I have it in life. I think I’m doing better now, But at the back of my head where it is dark, that is where I hide it, I still haven’t told anyone but the person I opened up to. Maybe I did the wrong thing because right now it is hell for me, The dark is taking over again. Help.

Notes