Gratefulness~ pt.1

I walk to the door and hover a second. I knock after all. Nobody answers. G-Dragon doesn’t answer. I knock again.
“Is somebody there?” I ask like I didin’t know that he was inside. Then I can hear steps. He unlocks the door, turns the handle and pulls the door open for just a crack. I gulp because of the tension. I take a look around me and make sure that no one pays attiention to me. Then I push the door open. I see GD sitting on the floor his back against the bathtube.
I step inside and lock the doorafter myself . G-Dragon is hiding his face between his legs and he crosses his hands on the back of his head. I don’t know what to say, so I just sit down on a fluffy mat. Quietly, without saying a word. I cross my legs and look at that sad man. It twings my heart to see someone so strong and bold performer now so weak in front of me. He doesn’t move. He just sits hiding his pretty face and breaths. I stay silent for a while and admire the bathroom. I know myself that just to know that someone is in the same room, is usually comforting. I look at the city lights behind him through the glass wall. Lights of all the colors of rainbow, radio poles, advertisements… Then I look at GD again. I sigh deeply.

“Is… everything ok?” I ask with a soft voice. He doesn’t move at all .
“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask. GD is breathing heavily and he exhales for long. But he doesn’t answer.
“You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to”, I say. I lean on my left arm. After a quiet moment, I can hear mumbling.
“What?” I ask him to repeat.
“I don’t want to talk about it”, Ji mutters so quietly that I hardly can understand what he’s saying.
“Okay.”
Nothing happens. I just sit there quietly and take turns looking at the floor, the view and sad, curled up GD. I’m not sure if I should do something or just be there, sit with him this evening. Or night. Or morning? I take a look at my watch and it shows a little past tree in the morning.

Eventually I straighten my legs gingerly. I don’t want to spook him. I crawl on all fours to Ji’s left side, turn my back against the bathtube and stay there. My side against his. I reach his black fur hat from the corner and take a good look at it. I put it on my head. I glance at GD but he hasn’t moved an inch. He is not looking at me, laughing at me, like he normally would do. I take the hat off and put it next to me. I sigh loudly and look at his crouched posture. His black hair, blue patterns on the collars, his back…
I can see a twitch. And another. G-Dragon sobs. I wrap my right arm around him. Move it back and forth on his back, stroking him. He sobs again.
“Oh, Ji…” I sigh and pull his hair back to see his face but he has hid it so well under his arms. Then I wrap both of my arms around him and press myself against him, lay my head on his shoulder. I’m listening to his heart beating, his breathing. I wouldn’t have believed that I would see a day like this. Sitting with Kwon Ji Yong in a hotel bathroom, trying to get him to cheer up.
I see a tear dropping on the lapel of his red jacket. A second one, a third one. Ji lifts up his head and I back up against the bathtube. He opens his swollen eyes and stares straight to the wall for a moment until he looks at me cold. The cross drawing on his cheek looks now more like a smutch and another tear runs down his jaw line, drops on the tiles. I find it hard to breath. I’m looking at him blankly. He’s breathing. Ji turns his face away and runs his bony fingers through his hair. He inhales loudly and he looks like he was in pain. He shakes his head from side to side and a new tear runs down his cheek. I really can’t look at him when he’s being like this. It hurts me too looking at his eyes closed from sorrow. The tears start to stream faster. I try to comfort him by touching his shoulder and then he suddenly grabs me and hugs me. He holds me tight and I wrap my arms around him quickly. I stroke his hair and back. He doesn’t say anything but I can feel his lungs twitching. His impetuous gasps. Hot tears on my neck... We stay still. Pressed against each other. My mind is blank but I’m pretty sure he’s going through lot of stuff in his mind. He’s recalling the memories that he experienced with Kiko. All the conversations, endearments, dreams. And all the moments that are still waiting to be experienced.

We have been hugging for at least half an hour and his tears have dried. Ji yawns and I can feel his jaw pressing against my shoulder. I smile a little. Then he backs up and stays sitting in front of me, our knees touching. We are looking at each other’s eyes. He leans on his arm and ruffles his hair. I bite my lip and look down.
Someone comes banging the door. I can recognize Seungri’s voice:
“Minea? You there?”
I smile a little. Ji is not looking at me.
“Yes”, I shout for an answer.
“You okay?” Seungri shouts from behind the door.
“Yes. Girl’s stuff. I need some time”, I shout back and GD utters a laughter because of my answer. He’s looking so tired. I smile. It’s wonderful to see him a little happier even for just a little time.
“Ooh! All right!” Seungri answers and rattles away. The music has started to rumble again and I can hear people droning, women screaming and steps jumping along the rythm. It’s so restless.
“You wanna stay here?” I ask quietly.
Ji lifts his head up and looks at me his eyes barely open. He wipes the last tear off his cheek.
“If you don’t mind”, he says.

I nod. He lays down on his back on the matt and looks at me wondering what I’m doing. I move cautiously next to him, turn on my side against him. Ji wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me closer to him. I can smell his manly fragrance. My stomach iches so bad. I close my eyes and yawn too. It has been a long day.
GD turns his head and kisses me gently on the forehead. I smile and move my hand on his chest. He lays his head against mine and we stay still. We fall asleep there. On the bathroom floor. Near each others. This feels nice, I think to myself and smile until I fall asleep.

When I wake up in the morning, I first can’t remember where I am. My neck hurts. I open my eyes and take a look around. I’m in a hotel room, I recall. On the right opens up a beautiful view to the sunrise. Birds are flying outside of the window. I remember falling asleep next to Ji on the bathroom floor. Was it all just a dream? I don’t remember coming back with Jamie though.
Then I notice an unfamiliar leather bag on the chair and the super modern table and the rest of the decoration. I’m not in my own room.
I can hear voices on the other side of the door. I get up and realize that I’m wearing a long t-shirt which is definitely not mine. I finger it and give a laugh. I could really get used to this.

I collect my own stuff, walk to the door and open it slowly. Daesung is cooking with TOP in the kitchen. They don’t see me.
GD comes out of the next door. It’s the toilet. He nods to me. I don’t think that he looks very happy seeing me but maybe he’s just tired. It’s 8 am.
“Morning”, he says.
“Good morning”, I say.
GD walks into another bedroom and I head to the kitchen. I say hello to the boys and sit on the sofa. I lean on the back of the sofa so that I can watch their cooking.
“Did you sleep well?” Daesung asks as he pokes the scrambled eggs with a plastic spatula. TOP is seasoning the rice.
“Yes,” I answer. “Umm… Who carried me to the bed?”
“Taeyang did. He found you sleeping on the toilet floor”, Daesung laughs at me.
“What were you doing there? You must have been very tired!”
I’m little bit confused. Where had GD disappeared if I hade been sleeping on the floor alone.
At the same moment the mister concerned walks in the kitchen. He gets juice from the fridge and pours it in a glass. Then he leans on the counter and looks at me while drinking. I don’t say anything. I just stare at him for a while.
“Yes. I was… Very tired.” I look at GD.
“And very drunk!” Seungri comes out of a room and guffaws. “Taeyang had to come to sleep between me and GD.”
Tae walks to the kitchen as well.
“No… You shouldn’t have…” I feel my cheeks blushing.

Seungri has a notebook on his hands.
“You all know what you have today...?”
“You know you don’t have to speak English all the time”, I notify and they look surprised as I interrupted him so boldly. I have only talked to them with a few words but if I really want to get to know them, I must start talking with whole sentences.
“No, no. This is good training for our English skills”, Seungri answers after a quiet moment.
“Okay then.”
Seungri looks at the boys.
“GD you have that meeting at 10 o’clock. We others have the interview outside the hotel at 11. And…” Seungri’s looking at me.
“I guess you can do what ever you want to.”
I laugh.
“Are you staying for how long time in Hong Kong?” Taeyang asks and smiles while sipping his morning tea.
“I’m not sure... I guess I will stay for a couple of days”, I ponder.

Notes