Untitled 무제 無題

‘What’s the weather outside your window doing right now? If that’s not inspiring, what’s the weather like somewhere you wish you could be?’

I used to receive numerous texts like this from you. Where have they all gone? Once upon a time, I would’ve said with you... without any reservations knowing you were one of the many key contributors to my inspirations. On those days when we were too distant from each other but wanted the comforting moral support & company. On the laborsome workdays that appeared too long and the slow tinkering of time seemed to come to a standstill due to your absence. Those days we’d wished we could prolong the wholesomeness of the time we spent in our youth. We even wrote one another on those irksome dog days of our endless bickering over trivial matters. I miss that….We’d stay in contact with each other...always. But, that was long ago… Eleven years ago, to be exact.

‘But we don’t even seem to talk anymore...Why?’

Often, too often, I wonder what my life would be like if you didn’t exist. How easy and efficient it would be to live without the infuriating rage you bring me. The harsh unfiltered words fueled with venom that I’d never thought I speak. The deep despairing malice and resentment that brewed inside me when our friends spoke your name at gatherings. The endless push and pull of testing my willfulness and the true spirit of my moral fiber and its endurance. Your indecisive mind, envious nature, and thankless behavior...I’ve had enough! My life would’ve been so much more tranquil if I’d just married HIM instead… Then maybe I would be able to erase you completely with time. It would just be so much more simple!

‘Wouldn’t it?’

Heavy timmers of labored breathing became the only sound to cut through the tension amongst us. The air thickens, no longer infiltrated with insignificant vexations, but polluted by genuine disgust and the resentment we harbored. Here we are again; you infuriated beyond words and reason. The tear-stains you once seemed to empathize with are now insufficient to you as if I was putting on some sort of stage act. You yelling over me instead of listening to my concerns. Me matching the boisterous volume of your tone, no longer caring to hear you out. My eyes mirrored the fury reflecting within yours. We’ve become slaves, captives by our stubborn iron will without ever realizing it, the stupidity of it all. Aware, neither one of us would be willing to break our gaze. Neither of us felt inclined to say the two simple words, even adolescents in grade school learned to say when they’ve wronged someone. ‘I’m sorry,’ Was all we needed to dismantle the vehemence of the argument sufficiently. But we didn’t, nor could we humble ourselves to admit our faults are to blame for the beast we are now.

‘When did we start looking at each other this way?’

Trails of broken glass gleamed across the wooden floor from my camera. A precious family heirloom that is now forever broken & shattered. You sure know just how to cut me deep, don’t you? My fist clenched into a ball, still holding a torn piece of your garment. A one-of-a-kind designer shirt - your favorite, in fact. Of course, I know how to lacerate you just the same. Blood dripping down your lip, matching the stain on my hand from the series of punches thrown. Records cracked, awards broken, and holes left in the door from the aftermath of the violent exchange.

How long have we’ve been excusing ourselves to allow violence to masquerade as love?’

Through gritted teeth, I watched you with anxious unwavering eyes as you began to approach me. With every step you took near me, I retreated further away until my back collided with the cold foundation of the brick wall. Preanticpating the wrath of my fist, which promised you nothing short of pain, you immediately catch it, pressing it hard against the wall. Again, I swung with the other fist, earning a loud echoing cracking noise that made contact with your jaw. You held still for a moment as if you gladly accepted the pain as punishment. Following the clump of blood, you spat it out at the ground as I now hated my own hostile actions. Grabbing hold of my other hand you harshly pushed it behind my back, this time you didn’t retaliate and just held me there.

Inhaling and exhaling, you seemed to recompose yourself; I saw something different exhibit in your eyes. There it was again that expression. Yes, that one, the one that leaves me breathless every time. Silence engulfed us, but the impression embedded in your eyes simply said, ‘Enough!’ A sudden chill ran through me that made me a bit smaller, a little softer, and even somewhat feel a sense of exposure. I hated it… This talent you’ve perfected over time.

‘Why is it that the more vulnerable I feel, the more beautiful you find me to be? Stop it!’
The rise and fall of my chest synchronized with yours only made my want to preserve the little pride I had left as I attempted one last time to getaway. My efforts were in vain when I felt the firm compression betwixt your chest and the wall. An unexpected breath nearly escaped my lips once I felt your thigh forcibly part my legs, nearly grazing the sensitive area hidden my black pantsuit. An air confusion washed over me from the way you stared with such gentle care, and dare I say an underline of compulsion.

‘Why did all that animosity go?’

A string of questions aligned when you suddenly dipped your head down and nipped my nose upwards with yours, placing a supple kiss on my lips. For I knew I don’t deserve the softness of your touch.
‘Why are you like this? Don’t show me your gentle nature when you know damn well I shouldn’t be pardoned.’

Lustful perversion distorted my train of thought. All logic abandoned when I found my legs laced around your waist and the firmness of your hands gripping my ass. There was nothing between us but raw, unbridled emotions, as painful as they are, there was always a sweet heavenly sting of addiction that soon followed.

‘When did my body fell like it was on fire for I was just drowning in sorrow moments ago?’
An airy moan released with each strong push & pressed as find myself from confines of the hardened wall to the plushy comfort of your bedsheets. The hum of sadistic gratification broke free from my lips when your fingers entangled in my hair, giving it a solid disciplining tug. The groans’ of your approval came from scratches left on your back. Clawing at fabrics of each other’s clothing desperate and needy for our next sinful fix. Shaded hues of pink, purple and blue left behind on the naked skin of your chest and neck rooted from the bites I’d gifted you. Immersing ourselves in the euphoric pools of pain and pleasure, a fluent love language only the two of us spoke. Straddling your inviting lap that held concentrated blood in which pulsated and pumped into a bulge camouflaged by the restrains of your boxers. A loud sound of palm meeting skin reverberated inside the room followed a low gasp from the angry red handprint you left on my perky ass. I continued to litter your mouth, face, and neck with kisses before you belligerently threw me down on your bed once more.

‘How did this become our normal way of apologizing? Is this really love?’

Then again, I’m sure neither of us ever properly understood the true meaning of the fucking word anyhow. Who knows what to call something like this really? Toxic? Yea, I’d say I have to agree... Intoxicating? I’d be even more inclined to agree. At this point, I feel like it is easier for us to just die instead of forgiving each other. A basic human courtesy we’ve both seemed to have forgotten. This just probably another mistake of lust for love. Then again, it could just be pure insanity since we have a record of repeating the same mistake. Perhaps there isn’t a word in the human language that perfectly described the absurdity we’ve found ourselves…
...For now, we’ll define it as untitled...

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