Looking Back
Looking Back
I was only 12 years old when I first fell in love. My family had just moved and the boy next door took my breath away at first sight. He was well-mannered, very gentlemanly for a boy at such a young age, and just so incredibly cute that I couldn't help but stutter when he first talked to me. We spent the whole summer together, him showing me around and me just following him like a lost puppy.
He moved to this neighbourhood only a year prior, having moved to Korea from America, and I had never been fascineted by anything as much as Mark speaking English. I convinced him to teach me a few words so I could brag when school started.
Instead of my parents driving me to school, I insisted on taking the bus with Mark, arguing that I was old enough already and being brought to school by my parents was just so embarassing. My mum agreed on the condition that Mark promised to not let me out of sight unless we had class, and he swore by his favourite comic book, that he would keep me safe.
During the bus ride, I was the main attraction. Everyone was curious about me, the new kid, and Mark's friends were teasing us the whole 20 minute ride how we were probably so in love with each other and should kiss right then and there. It was embarassing and I don't think I've ever blushed such a deep red in my life. No one was supposed to know about my crush.
Mark took me to the principal's office where I got welcomed and handed my schedule. It was then that Mark and I noticed that I was a class above him.
Being devastated that I was in fact more than a year older than my crush, I told myself to stop liking him instantly, swearing to myself that no one would ever find out that I have been in love with someone younger than me.
First confession
It was half a year later, when I received my first love letter. It was tucked in between the pages of my maths book. A simple white sheet of paper with messy letters spread over the lines.
It was an incredibly cheesy letter, describing how beautiful I looked when the wind blew through my hair and the sun shined onto my face. How it didn't take more than seeing me eating my lunch to make my secret admirer feel undying love. How he was too shy to talk to me but still wanted me to know all these things.
I was flattered, blushing a deep red while reading the letter. My girl friends were so curious to know what it said, but it was too intimate for me to share with them. I took it home and put it into a small carton where I saved all things dear to me and shoved the box into the farthest corner of my closet, hiding it behind thick winter coats and long dresses, not wanting anyone to ever find it.
It wasn't until much later that I found out it was one of Mark's best friends, Donghyuck, who wrote me the letter. He confessed when we met almost 20 years later in the hospital, where his wife and I delivered our children just a few hours apart.
First boyfriend
After receiving that love letter, I started paying a lot more attention to the boys in my class and it took only a few days to figure out that Doyoung was treating me a lot nicer than other girls. He was always offering me sweets, asking me if I slept well when we saw each other on the school bus, and let me copy his homework without complaining when his friends always had to beg and plead.
Doyoung was a handsome young boy and I was over the moon that he seemed to have picked me out of the masses of pretty girls at school.
One day after class he asked me to walk to the bus stop with him and just as we had passed the school gates, he pulled me aside to confess to me, away from the curious eyes of our schoolmates.
I could see he was nervous and afraid of rejection, but I shyly told him that I liked him too and I don't think I've ever seen a smile that bright before.
Of course with us being barely teenagers, our relationship never went beyond telling our friends and holding hands when no one was watching. It lasted about two months, then Doyoung told me he fell in love with another girl. I was crying for about two days straight, my friends tried to cheer me up by buying me ice cream and having a sleepover.
It was that weekend when we were all huddled together under a blanket, discussing who was the cutest boy at school, that I got over my first breakup.
First kiss
Three years later, I had just turned 16, a friend of a friend had a party and of course we were there, witnessing the chaos that is a bunch of teenagers gathered in a large house with music so loud it shook the windows and a basement full of alcohol. The guy hosting the party was called Kun. He was one of these rich kids whose parents were way too busy earning money so they often left him alone in their huge villa over the weekend and he used his freedom to invite everyone and their dog to one of his infamous parties. There were a lot of people from our school and just as many who I had never seen before.
Being the reckless teenagers we were, my friends and I accepted the cups of unidentified liquid a few guys offered us and almost spit it right out after the first sip. The alcohol burned my throat and left me feeling uneasy and way too warm inside. While my friends went with the guys to have a good time on the dance floor, I went outside into the garden to have a bit of fresh air.
I wasn't alone for long though. A boy around my age, maybe a bit older, soon joined me on the grass and started an easy conversation. I learned that his name was Jaehyun and that he was in fact a little older than me, he was from the other side of town and a close friend of Kun, while I was just tagging along because someone had mentioned the party and me and my friends were way too curious.
He was easy to talk to and made me laugh a lot. I instantly liked him. Jaehyun was a smooth flirter and I found myself flustered by his compliments a lot.
We were sitting opposite each other on the damp grass and he started playing with my hair, twirling one of my strands around his finger while tugging it lightly. Our faces got closer inch by inch and I knew what was coming.
Nervous butterflies erupted in my stomach when his eyes shifted from mine down to my lips and up again, silently asking for permission. Unable to say anything, I just nodded slightly and held my breath as he softly pulled my hair one last time before capturing my lips with his.
It was a great first kiss. He was careful and soft, waiting for me to respond and moved slowly, just in the right way to make me feel like I was floating on cloud nine.
Shortly after that first kiss, I was dragged away by one of my friends, needing to go home and I only saw Jaehyun a few more times at Kun's parties. We never kissed again but his cheeky winks always reminded me of that one time and the memory will never fade.
First Heartbreak
Just shortly after that night, we got an exchange student in our class. His name was Johnny, he was tall and handsome and just so incredibly attractive. He was from America, just like my neighbour Mark, and I was so excited to be one of the few students who knew how to speak English properly.
Johnny and I became close quickly. I showed him around school, helped him improve his Korean and tutored him in different school subjects. We also often went out for chicken or ice cream. All the other girls were so jealous of me and I felt so powerful, being the girl at Johnny's side.
Needless to say that I developed feelings for him rather quickly. My heart rate going through the roof when he excitedly waved at me from the school gates every morning, butterflies fluttering every time he turned around in class to ask me something and sending a cheeky wink my way when I finished explaining.
My friends were so absolutely sure that Johnny felt the exact same way for me and always tried to pep talk me into confessing my feelings, but I was just too shy. I never had a boyfriend after Doyoung, and Jaehyun had been the only boy showing interest in me since then. I didn't know what to do.
It took me 5 months to gather enough courage and ask Johnny to meet me behind the school building after class. I've never been more nervous in my entire life and during lunch break, it was allthanks to my friends that I didn't throw up the little amount of food I forced myself to eat.
When the last bell rang that day, I almost fainted and it took a good amount of time to make my way down the stairs and around the building on my wobbly legs. Johnny was already there, looking way too relaxed and checking his phone every few seconds.
After taking one last deep breath, I walked up to him to seal my fate. I stuttered so bad that I had to repeat myself three times which made me so embarassed, that I felt like my head would explode, and honestly, I wouldn't have minded it one bit.
The blood rushing through my head was so loud in my ears, that I almost didn't hear Johnny's response. It took me about a minute to process his words and when I did, all I wanted to do was vanish into thin air.
He liked me a lot. As a friend. He had been going out with a girl from another school for a few weeks now and he was so sorry for not reciprocating my feelings.
The tears in my eyes blurred his face and I all but ran away from the most uncomfortable situation I ever found myself in.
I thought my first break up was also my first heartbreak but I was so wrong. Nothing hurt more than replaying Johnny's words in my head. I locked myself in my room, not talking to my friends or my mum, just burying my face in my pillow and crying and screaming for hours.
The following weeks in school were the worst of my life. I couldn't look at Johnny at all and he never asked me stuff in class again. Everyone knew by the end of our lunch break what was going on and it was awful.
It took a few weeks for everything to calm down again and before I knew it, school year was over and Johnny went back to America.
The last summer before I started university, was spent on Jeju island with my friends. One of them had a beach house that was mostly used for family vacation and she could convince her parents to let us use it for the 10 weeks we had before we all had to part ways for our studies.
It was like in the movies, sleeping in, having a light breakfast, going to the beach to check out some cute boys, eating lunch and ice cream, checking out more boys at the beach, having dinner, getting all dolled up and then spending the night dancing at one of the clubs.
Time flew by and we had been on Jeju for three weeks when I met Taeyong. He was playing volleyball at the beach with some friends and one of his serves went wrong and hit me square in the face.
I was ready to throw some fists, but then I saw his face and all my anger just flew away. I had never seen a man this flawlessly beautiful.
He apologized profusely and offered to make it up to me by buying me ice cream and I was just about to accept it, when one of my friends popped up out of nowhere and suggested that going out to dinner would be more fitting. Taeyong agreed and said he would pick me up at 7 in the evening to take me out.
My friends spent an entire 3 hours on dressing me up, styling my hair, doing my make up and telling me to try on at least eight different outfits before deciding that I looked best in the first one.
Taeyong was right on time, offering me his arm on the short walk down to his car, opening the door for me and being an absolute gentleman. He took me to a simple sea food restaurant right by the beach and asked the waiter for the table with the best view.
While we waited for our food, we started to get to know each other. Conversation was easy and talking to a stranger like that reminded me of Jaehyun, who had been just the same that one night he gave me my first kiss.
The night ended with Taeyong driving me back home, walking me up to the door and giving me a shy peck on the cheek before wishing me a good night and sweet dreams.
I thought it would be just that one time, going out with him but I was wrong. We met the next day at the beach, exchanged numbers and he invited me to dinner every day for one week straight. Each time we went a bit further, him holding my hand every chance he got, me kissing him on the lips when we said good night, and eventually making out in his car right in front of our house.
A few days later, after having cooked one of the best meals I've ever eaten, he asked me to stay the night at his place and I agreed, excited for what was to come.
We watched a movie, cuddling on his couch, stealing kisses every now and then, and before the end credits rolled, both our t-shirts were gone and soon after, we found ourselves on his bed, tangled limbs and heavy breath.
Losing my virginity to Taeyong was a beautiful experience. It hurt and was very awkward at first but he made me feel so beautiful and took his time, being considerate and careful, I couldn't have asked for a better first time.
The remaining weeks were spent with my friends, Taeyong's friends, and of course Taeyong, using every minute we had left to be together. We both knew it was just a summer fling and would probably never develop into something more, but we wanted to make the most of it nevertheless.
Saying goodbye was hard and painful, but with the start of university just around the corner, I didn't have much time to drown in my sadness.
It took me some time to get used to university. It was so different from school, much more time consuming and frustrating to finish the assignments. I spent alot of time in the library or in coffee shops, being high on caffeine while I typed away on my laptop.
I didn't have as much time to go out with my new friends and even less to go visit my old ones. When I was looking up from my papers or screen and watching the happy couples exchanging loving gazes and small pecks on lips or cheeks, I found myself longing for a boyfriend as well. Still, there was no one who had caught my eye and I didn't want to settle with someone I had no feelings for just for the sake of not being alone.
With how little attention I paid to most boys in my uni, it came as no surprise that there was also no one interested in me, besides exchanging notes and working on projects together.
However there was one very shy and quiet guy, Sicheng, who came from China, who I sometimes caught stealing glances at me in the cafeteria or in class. He always turned away at the speed of light, his ears turning a bright red. It was cute how he tried to act as if nothing happened whenever our eyes crossed paths.
When our professor announced another group project and assigned us our partner, I found myself being paired up with Sicheng. When we worked together, there weren't many words exchanged. Only an occasional question or remark interrupted the silence that wasn't as uncomfortable as I feared.
Whenever Sicheng spoke up, there was a pale blush covering his cheeks and he sometimes stumbled over his words spoken with a heavy accent. It reminded me a bit of Johnny, my first love, who also had trouble to express himself in the beginning. Little did I know that Sicheng actually knew quite well how to speak Korean but was rather flustered to be working with his crush.
We got along well and it was the first group project I handed in where I was sure that both partners had worked equally, no one pushing parts to the other or taking on more than what was agreed on in the beginning.
When spring came, I noticed that Sicheng came to the coffee shop more often and sometimes we would sit across from each other, studying together in the same comfortable silence we shared while doing our project.
Just before our finals came around, I found myself on a bench in a park, sitting beside Sicheng and talking about our experiences in our first year at uni. Even though I knew Sicheng as a quiet guy, I couldn't help but notice how he wrapped himself in even more silence than usual.
After I asked him what was bothering him, he blurted out that he had feelings for me and asked me out on a date.
I was petrified, not knowing how to respond. I did like Sicheng a lot, as a friend. He was nice and definitely nothing short of handsome, but there was no romantic feeling whatsoever.
Stuttering out a few words of rejection that I hoped wouldn't hurt him too much, I all but fled from the park.
In my dorm room, I started to think. How could I have not noticed that Sicheng was into me, when I caught him staring at me so many times? Were my words too hurtful? Was my reaction too harsh? Too cowardly? Was that how Johnny felt when I confessed to him?
It was a mindblowing realisation that rejecting someone's feelings was almost as hurtful as being rejected myself.
In my third year at university, my roommate invited me to a party of her boyfriend. I had never met him and seeing as they had only started dating a few weeks before, she hadn't even mentioned his name.
It was a huge surprise for me to find out that her boyfriend was Qian Kun, the notorious party guy from my high school days. It was a funny and small reunion. Jaehyun was there as well, blatantly flirting with me all the time, and I also met Ten, Jungwoo, and Lucas again who I have last seen at one of Kun's parties years ago as well.
I enjoyed it a lot, being around people I knew from years ago, catching up and just having a good time. Jaehyun and Lucas convinced me to a stupid drinking game, where we had to take a shot whenever we saw a couple making out and Ten soon joined us with another friend he introduced as Yuta.
Apparently he was from Japan and had just transferred to my university a few weeks ago. When we found out, that we even had a few classes together, we quickly seperated from the hyper group of friends to talk in private. Yuta and I had a few things in common, we both liked watching superhero movies and coffee. We both enjoyed snuggling up in blankets to watch thunderstorms and we loved going to that chicken and beer place near the dorms.
We instantly agreed to go eat chicken together soon.
From there on it was an easy transition from friends to close friends and eventually to going out and becoming official. We were the power couple, inseparable and too cute to handle. Yuta treated me like a princess and I floated on cloud 9 whenever we were together.
I've never been more in love and while I never believed when characters in movies or books said that their feelings for their significant other only grew over time, I experienced it first hand with Yuta.
Even after going out half a year, I still had butterflies when he showed up at my door, dressed nicely with a bouquet of flowers in his hand.
I was over the moon when he took out a small box and showed me the simple, thin silver rings he got us for our 9 month anniversary.
We both graduated a year later, still together and happy as ever. At least I thought so.
Yuta left for Japan over the summer to visit his family. I took him to the airport and said goodbye to him with tears in my eyes. He kissed me long and softly and promised to call often and told me that the few weeks he would be gone would be over way faster than I thought.
I waved until I couldn't see him anymore and drove home still sniffling from the hurtful goodbye but also looking forward, gaining strength from his promise to be back soon.
But he never came back. A family emergency he said. He wouldn't be returning.
First forever
I fell into a deep depression. My friends tried everything to cheer me up. Taking me out for chicken and beer, but that reminded me of Yuta. Taking me to another one of Kun's parties, but that reminded me of Yuta. Having sleepovers and watching superhero movies, but that reminded me of Yuta.
Nothing could cheer me up for weeks.
It was only when my first job started, that I pulled myself together. I had to be professional.
So I went out, got a new haircut, bought some nice clothes and spent a few hours relaxing in a spa to prepare for my first week on the new job.
It turned out that there were three other people starting in the same job as me. They were two males and one female. I instantly hit it off with the girl, finding out we attended the same school, her being one year above me, and talked a lot about the good old times, the teachers and fellow students.
We were assigned an instructor who would help us getting used to the new job and answering all our questions. I got a very nice lady, maybe in her early fifties who was like a mother to me from the beginning, explaining everything with a god given patience and just caring a lot about me.
I adjusted quickly, finishing my tasks on time and finding that I got along really well with the majority of my colleagues.
When the first 3 months were over, our boss invited us to a company dinner to celebrate our success and officially welcoming us as a part of the team. We had barbecue and drank a bit of Soju. The conversations flowing easily and just comfortably bonding.
When it got late, my office mother offered to take me home, her son would be picking her up and she wasn't feeling well with the thought of me taking the train this late at night. I accepted her offer and we waited outside until her son arrived.
When he stopped his car right next to us and got out to help his mother put her bags in the trunk, I got a good look at him. He was maybe a few years older than me and, like all the guys in my life, strikingly handsome. He introduced himself as Taeil.
The following days he came every night to pick up his mother who always greeted him with a knowing smirk. He also always offered to take me home.
Only three weeks later, Taeil's mother was sick at home, but he was still waiting outside the office building to pick me up, did I understand his intentions. Before he drove me home, he took me to a cozy restaurant and bought me a nice dinner.
We were just talking about everything and nothing at the same time, not realising howthe hours seemed to fly by. Only when the owner of the restaurant nicely informed us that they were about to close, did we notice how much time had actually passed.
Taeil then drove me to my apartment but when we arrived, we weren't done with telling each other stupid stories about our lives so we stayed in the car until the sun came up again. We were just lucky that it was saturday or else we would have been screwed, most likely being too tired to work.
We exchanged numbers and he promised to call once he woke up.
Despite being up all night and having had a busy day at work, I wasn't feeling tired at all. I made myself a cup of coffee, had a toast and just turned on the TV when my phone rang.
It was Taeil. My heart skipped a beat whenI saw his name on the screen and I was suddenly so giddy, that I almost dropped my phone after accepting the call.
The first thing that reached my ears through the speaker was Taeil's soft chuckles. He had heard my quiet curses and the rumbles of me dropping and then luckily catching my phone before it hit the floor.
Taeil and I went on a lot of dates. He was incredibly sweet and I could feel myself fall for him with every minute we spent together. But I was still hurt over Yuta leaving me, still feeling abandoned and very much afraid that it would happen again, so I held myself back.
I told Taeil about it, explained why I was the way I was and he understood. But he also promised me to not let me go until I gave him a chance. And that promise wasn't broken.
No promise of Taeil was ever broken.
We dated for about half a year before he proposed. It was very simple. He had ordered take out and we were watching a movie, cuddled up on the couch. He sometimes pressed light kisses to my forehead and I squeezed his hand everytime he did. I was on the verge of falling asleep when he whispered my name. I looked
up at him and the love and affection in his eyes almost took my breath away.
He then proceeded to pull out a small velvety box from under one of the sofa cushions and looked me straight in the eyes while asking me to spend the rest of my life with him.
Our wedding came soon after, our mothers joining forces in organising everything. Both of them helped me pick out my wedding dress and none of us could hold back the tears when we found the perfect one.
I married Taeil on a sunny day in May. Everything was blooming in the most beautiful colours. When my dad walked me down the aisle I did my best to not ruin my makeup with tears. Everyone was dabbing their eyes, even Taeil had to secretly wipe away a few stray tears.
It was the most eautiful day of my life. We celebrated until the next morning and I was more than glad that we had already packed our bags for our honeymoon. We spent 3 weeks travellig around Europe and enjoying our life as husband and wife.
Not even a year later we welcomed our first child, a small boy who we named Jaemin.
It was a pleasant surprise to see Sicheng just as we left the hostpital with our firstborn. He also was married and his wife would be having a boy too, Sicheng telling us with pride that he would be named Renjun.
The following years, many of my friends got married. Kun and my former roommate from university even had their first child, Chenle, before they tied the knot.
Three years after we had Jaemin, I gave birth to our second son.
This was also the time I met Donghyuck again. While taking a walk in the hospital gardens, his wife asked me for some tips which I willingly gave while our two children, Jeno and Jisung were happily dreaming in our arms.
I am happy.
Notes
The concept of telling one's story through a series of first times is nothing new and yes, I got inspired by many other stories I read.
Still this story came from my brain, currently fried, chopped up, and put back together from studying for my finals.
Writing this was a nice way for me to take a break from mathematical formulas, tax laws, and anything business and politics related.
I hope you enjoyed.