If You

The day of Jiyong's departure for Andong came much too suddenly and Emily found herself awake long before sunrise. Jiyong was standing by the window, silhouetted by the murky sky, and she could see he was chewing on his thumb as he stared out at the city. “Did you sleep at all?” she asked.

He started slightly and turned to look at her. “I don’t need much sleep,” he said, dropping his hand from his mouth, “but I’m sorry I woke you.”

“You didn’t,” she said, sitting up carefully. She reached for her nausea pills on the nightstand and he frowned. “Maybe you shouldn’t go today.”

“I’m going,” she insisted. She slipped a pill under her tongue and put the rest back as it dissolved in her mouth. “Staying here won’t make it any easier.”

Jiyong closed the curtains and switched on a lamp, casting the room in a faint warm glow. She searched his face carefully, but he was remarkably composed as he went to the closet where his uniform hung on the door. It had arrived several days prior and been meticulously pressed, while his boots had been buffed and were waiting in the closet. “I’ll be able to visit,” he said, as if she didn’t know.

“Good.”

“Mom and Dami will be nearby.”

“Yes, I know.”

Jiyong sighed. “Of course you do. We’ve gone over it a hundred times.”

“We can go over it a hundred more times if it makes you feel better.”

Jiyong shook his head and brushed some imaginary lint off the lapels of his uniform. “It’s only two years.”

A tear raced down Emily’s cheeks and she immediately swept it away before he could notice. She didn’t know how calm Jiyong really was, and she didn’t want to upset him with her tears. We can both get through this, she thought, putting a hand to her stomach.

Jiyong turned around and frowned immediately. “Are you still feeling nauseous? Maybe I should go get some-”

“I’m fine, Jiyong,” she interrupted. “I know it’s still really early, but I think breakfast will help.”

He nodded and she headed down to the kitchen, grateful for something to do. They had four hours before they had to leave for the airport, which felt both like too much and too little time. She pulled eggs and bacon out of the refrigerator and started frying them in a pan, letting the sizzling drown out her thoughts. After turning the eggs she put a bagel in the toaster and poured two glasses of juice from the carafe in the refrigerator, then plated the hot food and brought everything over to the table. She heard Jiyong come down the stairs and she finished setting everything down. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted any coff-” she turned around and the words died in her throat. He stood by the island, dressed in full uniform and holding his cap in his hand. She couldn’t allow herself to cry, no matter what, so she smiled instead. “You look handsome,” she whispered.

Jiyong’s chin trembled and she quickly crossed over to him. “Let me,” she said, taking his cap and placing it carefully on his head. She did it so efficiently, like it was a mundane task that she did all the time, that his tears soon vanished and he was calm again. “It smells really good in here,” he managed, nodding at the table.

“Do you want any coffee?”

He shook his head. “Juice is fine.”

They sat at the table and ate quietly, eyes fixed either on their plates or out the window. The sky was slowly starting to lighten, revealing the outlines of buildings and trees that had been hidden in the darkness, and traffic began to increase as people started heading to work in cars and on bikes.

“Did you get everything you needed from upstairs?” Emily asked, breaking the silence.

Jiyong nodded. “Bag’s by the door.”

They continued eating and Emily desperately tried to think of something else to say, but there weren’t any more words left. Everything worth saying had already been said, but she couldn’t help feeling like she needed to make every remaining second meaningful. “Do you want me to make you anything for the trip?”

Jiyong smiled. “Got any pancakes in there?”

The memory of her burnt pancakes made them both smile and a small amount of the tension was relieved. The clock struck six and Emily got up from the table. “I’m gonna shower.”

“Okay.”

She went back upstairs and turned the shower on, and while the water heated she did a quick check of the bathroom to see if Jiyong had left anything behind, but all his toiletries were gone except his makeup bag, which had been zipped and tucked neatly next to hers in the medicine cabinet. Emily swiped away a few more tears and stepped in the shower, where she allowed herself a good cry. After a few minutes she realized Jiyong would be wondering what was taking so long and quickly bathed, then carefully stepped out onto the bathmat. As she dried her skin something felt different on her midsection, so she wiped the condensation off the mirror to inspect her reflection. “Jiyong! Come here!” she called, staring at her stomach.

“Emily? What’s wrong?” he called, bounding up the stairs like an elephant. He burst into the bathroom and gave her a quick once-over. “Are you okay? Is the baby okay?”

“It’s fine,” she said, “look.”

She opened her towel and patted her belly. “I’m showing.”

She turned to one side and gazed at the small but definite bulge that announced her baby’s presence inside her womb. Jiyong was staring too, and he covered her hand with his own. “Wow,” he breathed.

“Guess he wanted to show up to say goodbye to you.”

Jiyong tore his eyes away from her stomach to give her a look. “He? It could be a she.”

“Do you want me to find out, or…?”

He shrugged. “It doesn’t matter to me what we have.” He sighed and dropped his hand. “It makes leaving that much harder.”

“Jiyong, you’re… you’re going for a good cause,” Emily said. “I know I don’t fully understand it, but I’m proud of you for serving your country. Our baby will be proud too.”

Jiyong smiled and pulled her into a hug. “I never thought I’d hear you say that,” he murmured.

“Jiyong?”

“Hm?”

“You’re gonna get your uniform wet.”

He let go of her reluctantly and gave her belly another tender look. “I’ll wait for you downstairs,” he said, leaving the bathroom.


* * * * * *


Jiyong insisted on driving to the airport, mostly because he wanted one last opportunity to drive his precious Lamborghini before leaving it in a garage somewhere. Emily was quiet on the drive, but he didn’t blame her. There was nothing either of them could say to make this any less painful than it was, though he was still surprised by her words in the bathroom earlier. She’s really trying, he thought with a smile.

At the airport a valet whisked the car away and Jiyong shouldered his duffel bag as he stared up at the entrance. “I shouldn’t be doing this,” he murmured.

“Yes, you should,” Emily replied, taking his free hand. “It’s only two years, and you’ll visit us. We’ll be okay, Jiyong.”

They dropped his bag off at the luggage counter and walked down to his gate, where the other BIGBANG members and Sagowa were waiting for them. “We were beginning to think you’d gone AWOL,” Daesung teased.

“Very funny,” Jiyong called, shaking his head at him.

“Looks like your flight should be leaving on schedule,” Sagowa said. “Andong isn’t too far from here, so the trip shouldn’t be too bad.”

Jiyong nodded, suddenly unable to speak, but Emily squeezed his hand and he swallowed the lump in his throat. “I know we’ve got a few minutes, but I-”

A cry went up from another part of the airport and he looked up to see a crowd of fans coming toward them. “Not now,” he groaned.

“Don’t worry, they won’t bother us,” Youngbae said, and sure enough the fans stopped just close enough for him to be able to read the signs they held over their heads. Phrases like Good luck G-DRAGON! and Come back safe! were visible, and the sight warmed his heart unexpectedly. “Thank them for me, will you?”

Sagowa nodded. “Of course.”

A voice came on the loudspeaker and announced the eight forty-five flight to Andong was now boarding, so Jiyong took a deep breath and turned back to his friends. “I’ll see you all soon,” he promised, managing a confident smile.

Seungri threw his arms around his and they hugged briefly. “Don’t worry about anything,” he said in Jiyong’s ear.

Daesung was next and Jiyong felt his tears drip onto his neck, but he didn’t say anything. Youngbae hugged him too and Jiyong willed his own tears to stay back. “Stay clean, and take good care of yourself,” he whispered so Sagowa couldn’t hear.

“I will. Be safe.”

To his surprise Sagowa came in for a hug too, but it was much more professional and ended with a firm clap on the back. “Make your country proud,” he said.

Jiyong turned to Emily and gathered her into his arms one final time. “Take care of yourself, and tell me everything that happens while I’m gone.”

“I will.”

“I love you, Emily.”

“I love you too, Jiyong.”

He forced himself to let go and squared his shoulders. “I love all of you,” he said, nodding at his friends, then he turned toward the gate and got in line behind a pair of businessmen. Just before he got to the ticket lady he waved in the direction of the fans, eliciting a cheer and flurry of waving lightsticks, then his ticket was scanned and he walked down the jet bridge without a second glance.

Notes