If You

Emily walked through the doors of her publishing house, bobbing her head to the music blasting through her headphones. She'd been back in New York for over a month now, reacquainting herself with all the little things she had done without in Seoul. These were mostly food-related, from New York style pizza to her favorite hot dog stand down the street from her apartment, but Lisa had requested a live meeting with her that afternoon and she was concerned. It's either really good or really bad, she thought, taking the elevator up to Lisa's office.

Lisa's assistant waved her through on her arrival and she entered the office. Lisa, a thin blonde woman with large brown eyes, was behind her desk perusing a folder as Emily came in. “Emily,” she said cheerfully, beckoning her over.

“Has something happened?” Emily asked. “You don’t call me in that often.”

“True,” Lisa agreed, “but I wanted to talk to you about something that doesn’t quite fit under the professional category.”

“Okay,” Emily said cautiously.

“We need to talk about what happened with you and Jiyong.”

Emily’s breath caught in her throat and she looked away.

“I thought you cared for him!” Lisa exclaimed. “What happened?”

Emily shrugged. “It just wouldn’t work,” she said. “Not in the real world.”

“The real world?” Lisa came around the desk and crouched down in front of her. “The real world is a fluid thing, Emily,” she said softly. “All it takes is brave people to change the definition of what the real world is. You were so happy. Why would you take that away from yourself?”

“Because I don’t belong in his world!” Emily snapped. “I don’t belong among the cameras and concerts and screaming fans. I wouldn’t be able to keep up, and he would resent me.” She managed to keep her tears back, but her throat burned and she swallowed ineffectually. “It was better this way.”

Lisa went to the mini fridge beside the window and grabbed a bottled water. “I care about you, Emily,” she said, handing her the water. “But you’ve spent the last six weeks with this huge open wound that shows no sign of healing.”

Emily took a large swig from the bottle. “It’s done now,” she murmured. “He’s probably moved on, and I have too.”

“Really?” Lisa said, pointing to the BIGBANG album currently paused on her phone. Emily stuck her phone in her jacket pocket. “Okay, I'm trying,” she said quietly.

Lisa sighed. “As much as this concerns me, it's not why I asked you here.” She straightened up and leaned against her desk. “There's been a change of plan.”


******


“Let me get this straight,” Sagowa said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You and Emily are in love. You wanted to marry her, but neither of you were willing to make the necessary personal sacrifices, so instead she's slipped back to the States and you're resigned to being constantly depressed?”

“That's a little harsh,” Seungri objected.

“But true,” Jiyong murmured, staring out the window of the conference room. He turned and looked around the room. “It never would've worked.”

Youngbae swore loudly. “Do you really believe that?” he challenged. “You can't just-”

“Youngbae!” Jiyong said in a commanding voice. “This meeting is about moving our careers forward, so I would appreciate it if everyone wasn't so focused on the past.”

He turned back to the window so they wouldn't see him blink back tears. Pull yourself together, he told himself. Other people need you right now.

“We'll reconvene tomorrow,” Sagowa said after a lengthy pause. Jiyong heard the door open and everyone got up to leave.

“Jiyong.”

“I'm not in the mood, Daesung,” he replied distantly.

“I don’t care,” Daesung snapped. “You’ve made the biggest mistake of your life, and for what? So you could stay married to your work?”

“I don’t need your judgment,” Jiyong snarled, “or your opinions. Do you think this was easy for me? Do you think I wanted it to be this way?” He was crying now, but he didn’t care. “I’ve been through a lot of bad relationships, Daesung. I’ve had my heart broken, but my heart isn’t broken now. It’s gone!”

“Then why the hell would you let her go?!” Daesung demanded. “What kind of idiot-”

Jiyong punched Daesung in the jaw and he fell on the floor hard. His chest heaved as they stared at each other silently, then Daesung got up and straightened his jacket. “Feel better?” he asked calmly.

“What?”

Daesung touched his cheek and winced. “You were holding back so much emotion, I had to get it out of you somehow.”

“What are you talking about?” Jiyong demanded. “What was that, some stupid reverse psychology?”

“It’s not stupid,” Daesung said defensively, “and I had to try something. We hate seeing you in pain like this. Just go get her already!”

“And do what, get down on my knees and beg her to come back?”

“Maybe!”

“She doesn’t want me, Daesung,” Jiyong muttered. “Don’t you understand? She chose to leave because she doesn’t want me anymore, and I’m not going to lose what small shred of dignity I still have begging her to come back.”

Grief flashed across Daesung’s face. “Do you really believe that?” he asked softly.

“What else can I believe?” Jiyong said dully. “There’s no other explanation.”

“I disagree,” Daesung said immediately. “What about the times she would fall asleep in a hallway waiting for you to finish recording? What about when she wore Dami’s dress just to make you happy? Hell, what about the threats and attempt on her life? She went through all of that and still clung to you. Sounds to me like she wanted you more than anything.”

“Not more than anything,” Jiyong muttered. “She wanted to go back to New York.”

“And you didn’t want to give up your work either, did you?” Daesung countered. “Go see her. Talk to her. Tell her how much you love her and how you can’t stand to be without her. Then find a compromise.” He turned to leave.

“And if that doesn’t work?” Jiyong called.

“Then I’ll stock up on vodka,” Daesung said, smiling over his shoulder as he left the room.


******


Weeks went by and Jiyong kept turning his conversation with Daesung over in his mind. He desperately wanted to see Emily again, but he knew if she rejected him he would be crushed, so he put off booking a flight to New York again and again. The other members gave up on convincing him, but he could still see the concern and pity in their eyes when they looked at him.

On top of all this, his enlistment was only a few months away and he intended to go on one last tour before he left, a monumental task that allowed him to throw himself completely into his work and try to dull the ache in his chest.

As February began Sagowa called a special meeting with all four remaining BIGBANG members early in the morning. Jiyong was the last to arrive, yawning as he took a seat at the table. He had spent the night finalizing his tour plans and had settled for a quick shower before coming back to the YG building, a decision he was already regretting.

“I won’t keep you long,” Sagowa said, eyeing Jiyong as he yawned again, “but I have some news that might interest you.”

“News that had to be delivered at six in the morning?” Youngbae mumbled into his coffee cup.

“As a matter of fact, yes,” Sagowa replied. “As you know, the release of your book is set for next week, but the executives want to hold it at the publishing house in New York.”

Jiyong’s face paled. “No.”

“Yes,” Sagowa nodded. “All of you are getting on a plane this afternoon and going to New York for the official release.”

Jiyong felt nauseous. “I can’t,” he muttered. “I can’t.”

“You can,” Seungri said, putting a hand on his shoulder. “We’ll be together the whole time.”

“I’ll pick you up from your building at noon,” Sagowa said, standing up to leave. “Your flight leaves at one-forty.” He left and Jiyong laid his head on his arms.

“Look, no one said you had to see her,” Youngbae attempted. “Unless you want to.”

“Of course I want to!” Jiyong groaned. “But what if she doesn't want to see me?”

“She knows you're coming by now,” Daesung reminded him. “You're both professionals, so just act like it and you'll do fine.”


******


Emily took a taxi to the publishing house and tried to shove away the ball of anxiety growing in her stomach. This was bound to happen, she told herself for the hundredth time. You can do this.

Once she was in the building she went straight to Lisa's office. Lisa was on her way out when she got there. “Part of me wasn't sure you'd actually show up,” she said, locking her office behind her.

“I always show up for work,” Emily replied. “Are they here?”

Lisa nodded. “In the conference room downstairs. The press aren't due for another hour if you want to-”

“No,” Emily interrupted. “Not yet.”

Lisa smiled sympathetically. “You know, we've got security cameras in there,” she said, leading the way down the hallway. “Why don't you take a look before we go down?”

For some reason Emily agreed and Lisa took her to the security office on the ground floor. “Would you give us a moment?” she asked the guard. After he left she gestured for Emily to sit in his swivel chair. “There's the conference room,” she said, pointing at the far right screen. Emily could see the guys standing near the door, giving her a clear vantage point. Daesung faced the camera, his broad shoulders pulling the fabric of his expensive jacket. His hair was brown again and combed off of his forehead, and he seemed to be talking intently to someone off-camera. There was no sound, so Emily couldn't tell what was being said. Seungri sat in a chair pulled from the table, leaning his elbows on his knees as he watched Daesung. His hair was platinum blonde and cut extremely short, showing off his many ear piercings. He laughed at something and Emily smiled.

Youngbae had his back to the camera, but she could tell he'd gained quite a bit of muscle since she'd last seen him. He had black dreads and was wearing a large black jacket that had BIGBANG embroidered on the back. Emily took a deep breath and looked at Jiyong. Her first thought was that of relief. She had been afraid he would let himself go after she left, but he looked reasonably healthy. His hair was black and longer than before, framing his face loosely. He was hugging his arms against his chest, like he was trying to protect himself from something. Guess he's nervous too, she thought.

“Ready?” Lisa asked gently. Emily nodded and followed her back to the elevator. As the numbers ticked away she ran her fingers through her hair and tugged her shirt down anxiously. “Relax, you look great,” Lisa assured her as the doors opened. Emily summoned every bit of her poise as they walked into the conference room.

Sagowa greeted them first, obviously ready to smooth any initial awkwardness. “Ms. Gowland, we are honored to be here,” he said, bowing to Lisa. “And Emily, how wonderful to see you!” He bowed to her as well, but Emily pulled him into a hug. She had hardly managed to pull away before Seungri embraced her. “Oh, I've missed you!” he proclaimed, holding her tight against him. Emily savored the hug and felt tears already pricking her eyes. “I missed you too,” she whispered.

“Did you cut your hair?” Daesung asked, hugging her next. “It looks different.”

“You know I didn't,” she said, “but I'm glad you did. Now you'll actually be able to see where you're going.”

“That's what I said,” Youngbae cut in. He hugged her briefly, then took a step back. Jiyong hadn't moved or looked at her, but now he raised his eyes uncertainly up to hers. Everyone held their breath as they waited for what she would do next.

Do I hug him? Shake his hand? Why didn't I decide this earlier?

He seemed to be having his own internal struggle, but waited for her to move. He really is nervous, she thought, noticing how tightly his hands gripped his arms. Screw this. She closed the distance between them and threw her arms around him. He immediately responded in kind and they stood there for several seconds, holding each other fiercely. “I'm sorry,” she whispered in his ear.

“It's okay,” he replied. “It's okay.”

The door closed with a click and he raised his head slightly. “They left,” he said quietly.

“Thank goodness,” she said, pulling back a little. Her cheeks felt wet, but she hadn't realized she was crying. Jiyong smiled at her. “Hold still,” he said, snagging a tissue out of the box sitting on the table. He dabbed her face gently, taking care not to smear her makeup. “There, all better,” he murmured.

“This is weird,” she said, shaking her head. “It's been two months, and yet it-”

“Feels like yesterday,” he finished. “I… I know now isn't a great time, but can I see you later? I have some things I've been wanting to say.”

The door opened and Lisa poked her head in. “Press will be here soon,” she said, which was code for get yourself together. Emily squared her shoulders. “We're ready,” she said confidently. Lisa held out her satchel, which had been forgotten in the hallway, and Emily took it gratefully. “Thanks,” she said. “Let's go ahead and brief everyone.” She opened her satchel and dug a folder out, then opened it and started writing something as the others reentered the room. “Here,” she whispered, tearing off a corner of paper. “This is my address. Come around eight.” She gave it to him and he scanned it before putting it in his pocket.

“Okay everyone, listen up,” Sagowa called. “Here's how this is going to go.”

Notes