Internally

Maybe last week, or perhaps the week before that, I looked up what a fansign was. They’re not as common in the States, with Western artists. But in South Korea, it seems that every group does them, as a way to connect with their fans. It’s really cute.

It was because last week, or the week before, BTS had their first fansign for their new album, and as Kyung Hee’s intern, I was dragged along. I didn’t get to see much, though, since I was kept busy behind the scenes. I remember wondering what a BTS fansign was like whilst I fetched refreshments for the makeup and production teams.

I wonder if today will be the same.

“Fansigns are always so much more relaxed than stages,” Kyung Hee remarks as she leads the way down the corridor.

Relaxed? Kyung Hee is never relaxed, not even here.

“What do you need me to do today?” I ask in curiosity, musing over previous tasks.

“Actually,” says Kyung Hee with a smug smile, “You won’t be fetching coffee today. Aren’t I the best? I’ve got you a different job.”

“Really?” My eyes go wide at the sound of change.

Kyung Hee nods enthusiastically. “We usually have a few members of staff that collect the gifts from the fans so the tables don’t get too cluttered. The gifts end up in a room backstage, so the members can go through them again later if they want.”

She pauses to check a text and then continues walking.

“Unfortunately, two of those members of staff, who are brother and sister, have decided to take their leave now and go on holiday,” Kyung Hee says. “The manager needs you to fill in. It’s not a hard job. You’ll be fine. Everything’s a learning experience, after all.”

I nod quickly before she can change her mind. “Of course,” I say.

Everything is definitely a learning experience. Today, what I’m learning is just how many people are fans of BTS. The millions of views on their music videos are staggering, for sure, but seeing several hundred of those millions in one room is quite astonishing.

It’s not like I haven’t been to one of their fansigns before. But with my job being completely behind the scenes, all I could ever hear was the noise of the crowd. Peeking out from behind a curtain is an entirely different experience. They’re all holding signs and lights and they look so excited.

It’s been a long time since I was that excited.

“Mina!” says Jungkook, bounding up behind me.

“Hi,” I respond, curling the corners of my lips up into a bright smile. “Are you excited for today?”

“Of course,” says Jungkook with a grin. “I love fansigns.” He pauses, and then seems to remember something else. “Ah, Kyung Hee mentioned your job for today when I passed her by the coffee machine.”

“She did?” Kyung Hee has a way of mentioning things.

“Yeah,” says Jungkook, “You’ll really get to see what a fansign is like! I mean, that’s assuming you haven’t been to one of course, and I don’t want to make any assumptions that-”

“No, it’s okay,” I tell him, “You’re right anyway. I’ve never been to a fansign before.”

“I knew it!” Jungkook exclaims. Then his face falls. “I wish you could come and watch as a fan. Then you’d really get the fansign experience.”

“Mmm,” I say, not quite agreeing nor disagreeing, “What’s a fansign like?”

“They’re great,” says Jungkook enthusiastically, “There’ll be a long table for us to sit at, and the fans can come and meet us. We usually have some time to mess around and maybe do some challenges too.”

“Sounds fun,” I muse.

“Maybe I could ask our manager...” Jungkook begins.

No! It would be so awkward...

“No!” I yelp. Jungkook looks confused as I clear my throat. “I mean... I couldn’t ask you to do that. This is my job, after all.”

Jungkook considers that, and starts nodding slowly. “I suppose you’re right,” he says. He laughs then as another thought enters his mind. “Maybe we could have a mini fansign once everyone is gone, just with you. The others would probably find it quite funny...”

“Hey!” Kyung Hee whispers, running over to us. “We’re starting in five minutes. Mina, you’ll need to be the other side of the stage. The members will come on this side.”

“Oh! Okay,” I say quickly, bowing my head as I attempt to get round to the other side of the stage as fast as I can.

Unfortunately for me, running usually means bumping into people.

“You should really learn to watch where you’re going.”

That sentence would sound a whole lot kinder if the owner of the voice would just use a nicer tone.

“Sorry,” I mumble, trying to get around him.

“Wait,” says Suga, stopping me in my tracks. I glance back at him and he smirks. “You didn’t get me a coffee today.”

He’s so needy, honestly.

“Get one yourself,” I snap at him.

I don’t know why, but seeing him always puts me in such a foul mood.

“Oh, Mina!”

First Suga, now Jimin. It’s like they want me to lose my job.

“Yes?”

“Namjoon and I had a few words yesterday. He made me realise what was happening between you and me. And I wanted to talk to you about it.”

Suddenly his words from yesterday pop into my mind. It’s unnerving. He didn’t even get to explain because Suga came in. Suga’s voice enters my head at that point, which makes me even more confused.

“Just take my advice and stay away from Jimin. You want to keep your job, don’t you?”

Yes, Suga, I do want to keep my job – not that you’re helping. But why would he even care? He hates me.

“Mina?” Jimin repeats.

I blink and meet his eyes. “Sorry, yes?”

“About yesterday,” Jimin starts to say, “I didn’t get a chance to explain what I meant. I think-”

“We’re starting in one minute!” Kyung Hee hisses, still putting the finishing touches to Jungkook’s makeup.

“Sorry, Jimin,” I apologise, “But I need to get to the other side of the stage, right now.”

“Ah,” says Jimin, “Maybe I can catch you later?”

I'd reply, but I'm already racing around to the other side of the stage. I can do this job, easily. But I don’t want anyone thinking I’m not up to it because I get sides of the stage mixed up.

The fansign begins as planned, on time and with a perfect introduction. I watch from the wings as the members take their seats behind the table, bright and cheery because they get to see their fans again. And it is here that I see yet another side to Suga.

It’s clear that he’s winning this silent battle between us. He always manages to know exactly how to wind me up, and yet his true personality remains a mystery to me.

They get given so many gifts from their fans. Each of them has donned at least one cute hairband, and various other presents, both large and small, from the fans who love them and their music. It’s honestly quite a touching thing to watch. The fans spend so much time making and buying the cutest gifts, and some of them have travelled many miles to be here. And the few hundred of them who could come today is only a small percentage of the others who would give everything to be here.

I lose count of the number of presents I move to the room backstage. It seems sad to take them all away, but it’s not too bad since I know the members can go through them again later. I come back for maybe the tenth time so far, and wait in the wings until things pile up again.

It’s adorable the way they treat their fans. I watch as Jin reaches over to ruffle one girl’s hair, Jungkook listens intently to another, and Hoseok laughs at a funny statement another one said. Maybe what touches me most is watching Suga smile and hold up his hand, and watching the fan intertwine her fingers with his before she moves onto the next member.

Then it hits me. It’s the first time I’ve seen Suga smile.

Not a staged grin or a snide smirk, but a real, honest smile. It’s one that stays on his face long after the fan leaves, and was already there before she arrived. They care so much for their fans.

Suddenly, Jimin glances over, catches my eye, and smiles. I don’t know why but my stomach lurches. It only reminds me of what he said yesterday, and I’m tired of remembering it so many times.

“He made me realise what was happening between you and me. And I wanted to talk to you about it.”

“Stop thinking about it, Mina,” I tell myself, slapping one hand with the other.

“Just take my advice and stay away from Jimin.”

“Why would he even say that?” I ask aloud, sighing in frustration.

“You want to keep your job, don’t you?”

“Why does he even care?” I mutter to myself.

I don’t get another chance to think about it though. Kyung Hee’s barked orders and my own motivation keep me busy enough until the fansign is all wrapped up.

“Mina!” Jungkook calls breathlessly a while later, finding me tidying up backstage.

I look up from what I’m doing, wondering what he’ll say next. The grin on his face is unnerving, though. Please tell me he’s forgotten what he said earlier...

“Everyone has left the building now,” says Jungkook, “All the fans, I mean. Our manager says we’ve got ten minutes before we have to leave too. So come on!”

He grabs my wrist and suddenly I’m being yanked out of the present room and dragged back to the stage. Jungkook pulls me out from behind the curtains, still laughing. His voice echoes in the now empty hall.

“So,” says Jungkook, now addressing the other members, “I was saying before how Mina’s never been to a fansign before...”

“Ah!” says Hoseok, “I think I see what you’re saying.” He sits down and clasps his hands over the table.

“A fansign!” Jin exclaims, immediately sitting on the nearest chair.

Still pulling me along by the wrist, Jungkook sits at the first seat and the table and motions for me to kneel on the other side. So I do.

“Okay,” says Jungkook, “We’ll pretend Mina is a fan-”

“Pretend?” Taehyung interrupts, laughing. “Aren’t you already a fan, Mina?”

I chuckle awkwardly at that. “Well, I haven’t really had the time to look you guys up...” I mumble.

“We’ll pretend you’re a new fan then,” says Jungkook, only slightly irritated with being interrupted, “So you don’t know much about us yet.”

I nod at him and settle myself on my knees on the other side of the table from him. Then he starts role-playing.

“Hello!” he greets with a smile. “Ah, guys, do we have any paper?”

Namjoon gets up to hand him a piece of paper and a pen. “Wait, we’re not sitting in our own seats,” he points out.

“Does it really matter?” says Suga.

“Thanks for the paper,” says Jungkook. He leans closer to whisper, “Ask me for an autograph. That’s what other people do.”

I laugh at that. It’s funny how they know they’re famous. But the fact that they do also means they can be good to fans, which is cute.

“Could I have your autograph?” I ask him, throwing him a smile since I’m playing the part of a loving fan.

“Of course,” Jungkook answers, taking the pen and swiftly signing the paper. “Have you been enjoying the fansign so far?”

“Um, yeah, it’s been... amazing,” I say, hesitating to think of an appropriate adjective.

Jungkook slides the paper and pen back to me. “Did you have any questions you wanted to ask?”

Um...

“Hurry up,” Taehyung whines from beside him, “When is it my turn?”

“Okay, um, how has the new intern been doing?” I ask, stifling a chuckle.

Jungkook bursts out laughing, slapping the palms of his hands on the table top. “She’s been doing well, I think,” he finally answers.

“My turn!” Taehyung announces. So I move up to his seat and ask him for an autograph.

And before he can even say ‘any questions?’ I say, “Do you get a lot of time to rest between working?” It’s a question of concern, until I add, “You know, to go out and meet friends.”

It’s because a thought came to mind all of a sudden, of the other day when Taehyung didn’t even stay for breakfast. He said he was going out to meet a friend, and I’ll admit I’m curious.

For at least a straight thirty seconds, Taehyung stares at me with wide eyes. I could swear his cheeks go pink, but I can’t be sure.

“That’s a good question, Tae,” says Hoseok on his other side.

Taehyung swallows slowly and starts shaking his head. “Not much time, no,” he answers.

“Oh,” I say. His phone pings and I say, “You’ve got a text.”

He narrows his eyes suspiciously at me, but quickly picks up his phone to read the incoming text message. And the Taehyung smile has returned.

Who is he texting? And who did he go out to meet?

According to my calculations, Taehyung is definitely seeing someone. But who is it?

“Taehyungie, stop getting distracted,” says Hoseok, lightly smacking Taehyung’s shoulder. “We’re re-enacting a fansign here.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry,” says Taehyung hurriedly. He puts his phone down and before I move onwards down the table, reaches up his hand for a hi-five. I slap his hand and he intertwines our fingers and between a fan and an idol, it’s the cutest thing ever.

“Me next!” says Hoseok cheerfully. “Hi, Mina! Uh, I mean, fan whose name I haven’t yet learned...”

“Hello,” I say with a smile, “Um, could you sign this for me?”

“Of course I can,” says Hoseok, signing with gusto. He hands back the paper and rests his chin on the palms of his hands. “Did you have any questions for me?”

I laugh at the question that pops into my head. “How are you always so happy?”

Hoseok grins, practically beaming. “It’s because my name is J-Hope, so I always have to be your hope!”

He’s adorable. If I’d been a fan of BTS, he might’ve been my favourite. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a fan of them. But thinking about it more, it would be kind of strange to suddenly be a fan when I’ve met them before. They’d probably think it was strange too. I’m an intern, not a fan.

“It was lovely talking to you, but I should probably let you go now,” says Hoseok, clasping my hand one more time before I move on.

“Hello!” says Jin, unexpectedly greeting me in English.

I tilt my head as I think of a response. “So you speak English? How do you know I don’t speak Korean?”

Jin’s eyes shift from side to side as he struggles with the question, and the English. He opens his mouth to phrase his answer several times before switching back to Korean. “So you can speak Korean?” he asks.

“I thought you already knew that,” I tell him.

“But you’re a fan that I haven’t met before,” says Jin.

“Ah, yes, I remember,” I say.

“Anyway,” says Jin, still slightly confused, “Did you want me to sign that?”

He signs the paper whilst I’m still laughing to myself, and I move onwards down the table.

“We can talk in English if you’d like,” says Namjoon with a smile.

“Thank you,” I say, bowing my head, “Could you sign this for me?”

“No problem,” says Namjoon, taking the pen and paper from me and signing his autograph. “Like everyone else has said: any questions?”

“Umm...” I give myself a moment to think, before asking a question that has been in the back of my mind for a while. “How did you learn English?”

Namjoon nods, hopefully with approval to my question. “I studied overseas,” he says, “But I’m still not that good yet.”

“You are!” I protest. “Your English is almost as good as any American.”

“Thank you,” says Namjoon with a pleased smile.

I wish I could stay here chatting with Namjoon in English because if I move up, I’ll be faced with the inevitability that is Suga. And even thinking about him puts me in mind of the conversations of yesterday that I don’t want to think about.

“Well, it’s been nice talking to you,” says Namjoon, “But we’ve got to head out soon.”

Thanks, Namjoon. Real helpful...

“Hi,” I mutter, moving up to Suga.

“Hi, how’s your day been?” Suga asks, taking me by surprise. Why would he say that?

And then I realise why. It’s because he’s still role-playing, like I should be.

“Good, thank you,” I reply. “Could you sign this for me please?”

“Sure.” He takes the pen and signs his name on the paper.

“Is it my turn yet?” Jimin asks beside him, being the last person at the table.

At that, Suga meets my eyes. I don’t know what he’s thinking, not with the expressionless face he presents. You can never tell quite what Suga is thinking.

“I think we need to go soon,” Namjoon remarks from the other side of Suga.

“Have a nice day,” says Suga, with only the briefest of smiles, and I move onwards.

“Hi!” says Jimin, “Shall I sign that for you?”

I smile and hand him the pen. He signs his autograph with a flourish and hands it back.

“So, while you have a minute,” says Jimin, “I still need to explain myself.”

“You... do?”

“It’s about you, actually. And me.”

Stop thinking about it, Mina. But what did he even mean?

Jimin nods. “I feel like over the last few days I-”

And then my phone buzzes loudly in my pocket.

“Sorry,” I say, but my hand reaches for it still.

“It’s okay, answer it,” says Jimin, nodding his head again.

It’s a text.

I unlock my phone to find out what it says. People don’t usually text me. They usually call. What is so important that it needs to be in writing? But then I see who it’s from and I freeze.

It’s from Dad.

I hardly notice my breath catch in my throat, or my free fist balling up, or my teeth clench, or my expression fall. There’s a text, with its words brief, and a photograph. I stare at it until my eyes hurt.

Meet your new baby sister Rosie :)

It’s been weeks. I’m his daughter and it’s been weeks since I left the country. He doesn’t call, not even once. I would’ve ignored the call, but the missed calls in my phone would have meant something. They would’ve meant that he cared. And how could he think to put a smiley face? It’s like his and Mom’s divorce didn’t mean anything to him, that me going halfway across the world didn’t mean anything to him, and that he’s perfectly fine to get on with his new life with his new stupid baby.

I want to throw my phone across the room.

“Are you okay?” someone asks. It sounds like Suga but he’d never say that.

I look up as Jimin blinks. “Yeah, Mina, are you alright?” he asks anxiously.

“I’m...” I switch off the screen of my phone and put it away, determined not to think about it anymore, not today at least. “I’m fine.”

And just like that, the fansign is officially finished.

Mom asks me to help her put away costumes back at Big Hit after we’re done, but I tell her I don’t feel well, and take a taxi home instead. I don’t feel like working. I don’t even feel like talking. I go back to the apartment I now call home and curl up in bed.

What is it with people never calling me back? It took Annabelle a week, and she’s supposed to be my best friend. And she only talked about herself and how great college is. She hasn’t called back after that. My next door neighbour Jace is supposed to be like my brother, but he hasn’t called me either.

And then there’s Dad.

It’s stupid. I feel stupid. I hate him, even though I’m not supposed to. He’s my dad.

My phone. It’s ringing. It must be Mom. She must be finished at work.

“Hi?” I say, quickly picking up.

“Mina?”

My eyes go wide and I take a proper look at the caller ID. Dad?!

“What do you want?” I ask, switching to English.

“I wanted... to call you?” says Dad, “Didn’t you see my text?”

“Yeah, I saw it,” I answer shortly.

Then Dad chuckles. “Isn’t she adorable? I can’t wait for you to meet her. When are you coming to visit?”

Visit? How can he act like everything is fine when it’s not?

“I can’t visit,” I tell him, my voice becoming blunt.

“Why not? Don’t tell me your mom is keeping you over there,” says Dad.

“No one is keeping me here,” I say, “And you can stop blaming Mom for everything. Why didn’t you call me? It’s been weeks. I thought you’re supposed to be my dad.”

“I am, honey,” says Dad, “I’ve just been super busy, you know, with the baby-”

“I don’t care about your stupid baby!” I yell down the phone. And now it all comes out.

“I have a job, Dad, not that you even care. I missed out on college because of you and Mom, but now I actually have a job. I’m busy, you know, living my life, and don’t expect to ever be a part of it. Don’t call me again because I don’t want to talk to you.”

I hang up. And then I start crying into a bundle of clothes with a smell I don’t recognise.

I stay in my room for the rest of the evening. Mom cooks dinner to try and get me to come out but I refuse, even though I haven’t eaten much all day. She knocks on the door to talk to me. I can smell her cooking drifting through the gap under the door.

“Come and have dinner, Mina,” she says. “If you’re really sick, we can go and see a doctor.”

I don’t answer her. I don’t have the energy.

“Oh, one of the members asked about you earlier, when I was packing up,” Mom continues, “He asked if you were okay. I told him you were sick.”

My ears perk up at that. One of them asked about me?

“Who was it?” I call from under the blankets.

Mom pauses. And then she says, “Suga.”

Notes

Hi! (another one of my seriously irregular updates)

Hope you enjoyed reading this, since the drama towards the end was especially fun to write :)
If you enjoyed, leave me a comment and tell me why!
If you didn't enjoy, sorry about that. Leave me a comment and tell me what I can do better!
Either way, I love reading responses to my writing, so seeing a comment will make my day <3

Lots of love and see you soon,
asterisk xx