Songs of Life

“Lee Seokmin, please be my boyfriend! I like you!” A girl with long, straight black hair has her head low yet her arms extend straight at me. She has stopped me at the front gates of my high school, stalling me from heading back home on time to watch some anime. I notice the letter in her hand—a love letter. I never knew that people still wrote and delivered handwritten confessions these days. The confessions I’ve received have always been over the phone, through email or text, or in person. The occasional letters will land in my shoe locker, but at least those are easier to throw away. The emails, texts, and calls can also be ignored easily. This type of handwritten, delivered letter. . . Fcuk. Not cool. What am I supposed to say?

“But sorry, I don’t want you to be my girlfriend. I don’t like you,” I explain while forgetting to filter through my words. richard simmons. This is why people invented texting and email. You can have drafts and you can delete words.

I hear this girl starting to sob and then she turns around, running in the other direction. Wonwoo, who has been standing beside me all this time, throws his arm around my shoulder and snickers, “That wasn’t cool man. You could have at least said ‘Thank you’.”

“Thank you for what?” I throw a glare at him and roll back my shoulder to force his weight off of my body.

“For liking you?” he responds.

I just scoff and march ahead. Thank you for liking me? Really now? You might think I’m conceited, but my popularity has caused me more trouble than fun. Sure, girls treat me kindly and always do favours for me, yet in exchange, they want me to pay attention to them. They want my focus and they want me to treat them as if they’re special.

What’s worse is that I get harassed very often. A lot of girls somehow find out my number and start spamming me. When it gets really bad, I just switch phones. This is why I only have prepaid cell phones. Then, there’s the issue of stalking me. Often, the girls will follow me home and try to figure out where I live. That way, they can take the same line as me on the subway. As a result, I often have to rush to the subway before everyone else after school or I have to hang out elsewhere to stall time. Luckily, there’s cram school that saves my richard simmons. Can’t keep waiting for me to pop out from there.

The worst situation? Due to my popularity, I haven’t had a proper girlfriend. I tried dating a couple of times, but those all ended badly. In the end, my exes would notice how often other girls message me and suspect me of cheating. Some were super insecure and would stick to me like glue, suffocating me in the process. The ultimate verdict? I break up with them, and I turn single.

Actually I’ve been single for a good four years. I think that number will just increase over time, but do I care about it all that much? Eh, not really, but sometimes . . . on those cold early mornings, I wonder if I’ll be by myself all my life. It gets lonely at the middle of the night. It gets especially lonely when there are holidays for couples.

As I’m walking to the station, I notice all these advertisement about Valentine’s Day. Thank you multinational companies for reminding me of my singlehood. I try to remind myself that there’ll be discount chocolate after this stupid holiday, but honestly, I’m in no short of chocolate. I always get more than a sack full of chocolates, which I just end up donating to a local food bank. I’m not going to bring home a truck load of diabetes to my family or even have them start questioning why I’m still single when I’m so “popular”.

As usual, I throw my headphones on and turn them on a low volume. I like to act busy, so people don’t disturb me. However, I don’t want to lose track of where I’ll disembark for today. Like I said before, I take different routes every day to avoid chaos. I’m now the master of subway transfers, a useless skill indeed. Might be useful if I had dates with some girlfriend.

I breathe a sigh and nearly bump into a high school couple in front of me. We’re all boarding the train which has just arrived. Dang it, I grumble in my head as I see the guy wrap his arm around the girl’s body. God damn it. Let me . . . go the other side. Sh.it. I get pushed by some ajumma so I’m forced to follow behind this couple. I have to stand in front these two love birds; they’ve taken a seat in front of me. God is seriously driving me crazy. Cutting another wound on my injury.

Accidentally, the girl’s eyes meet mine and she starts blushing. Fu.ck. Don’t think that I’m staring because I think you’re cute. I don’t think you’re cute. I only looked because you two are in a relationship, and I’m single. As a single guy, I don’t want to be reminded that I might end up being single for eternity. I also don’t want to sink to that level of desperation where I’m begging my friends to introduce me to some good girl. Plus, they will never introduce me to someone because they think I don’t need help. I’m that flower that attracts all those bees. Fff, now the boyfriend is glowering at me and wraps his arm around her tighter. Maybe I should explain to him that I don’t want her. I mean, I want someone, but not her.

Life gets a bit harder too when you’re not the type to believe in love at first sight. How can you fall for someone just based on one look? How do you know if the person hasn’t killed someone? How do you know if that person won’t turn around and screw with your life? What if the person is stupid? What if he/she only wants your money? Wonwoo says I think too much, too far, and too deeply. I disagree. I’m just more realistic and grounded. I’m even starting to think that love would be easier if I could build my own girlfriend. If you can customize phones, why can’t you customize people?

By now, you probably think I’m just b.itching. I should just suck it up, and maybe I should. You know, I’d give up this popularity to get an ordinary type of life. I’d like to enjoy simple dates and staying up late to text someone. That’d be nice.

You probably want to shake me and tell me to just go for someone. Why is it so hard to find someone to like? Why is it even harder for that person to like you back? Wonwoo says my standards are very too high, but I think I just can’t find someone that I like. At this rate, I’ll just get lonelier and lonelier.

My stomach starts growling and then I think . . . I’ll just fill up my stomach for now. I’ve been too philosophical for one day. I know this is just a cycle. These feelings of loneliness just haunt me from time to time. My emotions are like a rollercoaster ride. Among the crowd, I’m still laughing, but once I’m in my own room, I sink to sadness.

Then, I feel empty.

I’m still lonely.

I know it and I admit it.

I feel empty . . . but I’ll get over it, I hope.

Notes