Better To Stay?!

*few months later*

Well, I've finished collage. Somehow I managed to survive all thanks to my sister, but ...
my pitiful days didn't change ... not for the good at least ...
All of this has been going on for ... I can't even count how many days or months. I ... might have lost my sense of time. Maybe it's for good, because even remembering the time being here hurts like hell. It just makes me more angry than I could take right now.

I thought it couldn't get worse, but it's been harder than before. Since I'm not schooled my mom doesn't get any money from the government for me, no matter how much we need it.
Days are getting darker and darker. My fights with my family got worse. So why can't I possible hate my family? I'm still at the point of hoping they don't mean the words they're saying! Why am I so stupid? Believing in things like that!?

There are some days when we only eat a meal or two a day, but I got fed up with it, ironically ...

"Do you have the shampoo?" my mom asked before going to the shower.

"Yeah, but why do you always have to use our shampoo?" I asked.

"Why can't I? We're short on money you know that well. We don't have the luxury right now to have our own shampoos."

"I've been spending a lot of my money to buy them ,because you didn't even wanted to buy one normal and actually important thing for us. You could buy your own, but instead you're using ours so you can spend more money on your clothes or whatever." I got angry all of a sudden.

Maybe the lack of food or all the stress that is slowly choking me to death.

I have been working in a small shop and trying to earn my own money hoping it would help our situation out, but all of that money is going into some food, clothes if any, bus passes to get to work and stuff that my mom is using more than I or my sister.

"How dare you talk to me like that? I'm paying for your food, buying and washing your clothes and you still have a roof above your head ,don't you?!" she started shouting with me.

"I'm trying to earn my own money. I did that even next to all that collage work and we're the ones making the food for ourselves. Don't make this my fault. You're the one staying home all day. Why can't you just get a job?" I snapped.

My mom got shocked at my words. Almost on the verge of crying ... She knew I was right, but still ... I ... might have gone a little too far ...

"I-I ..." //And I thought you couldn't get worse! Don't talk to your mother like that!" her fiance; Greg cut into my words.

"She's been trying to get a job, but it's not that easy not being able to speak this language and putting up with all your shit! You don't even have a clue of what she's going through ... and you think you could do better alone? THEN GET OUT!!"

"What?!!" I was so shocked I didn't know what to do anymore.

"GET. OUT!!" He said pointing in the direction of the door.

As bad as it sounds I wanted to end my life on the spot.

I looked at my mom if it's serious or not ... she just turned away ...

"How could you do this?" I was already shedding tears continuously.

"You have 10 minutes to pack away and go ..." he said still pointing at the door.

"Unnie ..." My sister came down the stairs and stopped when she saw us crying.

"Mom?! What's wrong?? What is happening???" she asked shocked.

"Nothing for you to worry about." Grag said to my little sister.

I ran upstairs crying unstoppably and started to pack everything away in my bag.

"Unnie!!!" she said stepping into my room crying "Where are you going? What happened? Do you really have to go?" she grabbed my clothes.

She was crying so much her grip got weak ... so weak ... I never saw her like this. She always smiled even at really bad times. I knew she had those days, but never let anyone see that, not even me.

"I have no choice." I turned around wiping my tears, not to show how bad the situation really is, but her face she had was breaking my heart. There and then I decided to stay strong for this time, for her sake and be as hopeful as she always wanted me to be.

"It'll be fine" I smiled with teary eyes "You'll be fine and I'll just work my way around it."

As I was about to pass her she grabbed me stronger than before, but still too weak to hold me back ... I hugged her so tightly ... This might be the last time I see her, for a really long time.

"You'll be fine" I whispered then I put both my hands on her face lifting it up to face me "Don't forget to smile ... and stay strong."

I grabbed my beg quickly and ran out of the house ... leaving my family ... leaving my sister, the only one who could comfort my anger that's now out of control ...

I had no choice ,I really had no choice.
I didn't stop running when I got out. I just ran into nowhere. I didn't even know where I was anymore. I just ran ...

Suddenly I stopped and fell down to the ground crying so hard I couldn't breathe anymore. I felt my heart beating so fast, I thought I will die ... Oh no. Am I having a panic attack?? This really hurts!

Why is this happening to me? All because of a stupid shampoo!!!!???

I NEED TO BREATH!! WHY AM I NOT BREATHING???

This can't happen now. I won't let it! *finally breathes in deeply*

When I finally calmed down enough to think clearer. I grabbed my phone and started searching for a name on my contact list. There wasn't many in the first place ...

"beep beep beep"

"Hello?!" the voice on the other end said.

" Hi, It's me Yeon. Can I stay at yours for tonight by any chance?" I asked trying to calm my shaking voice.

"Yeah, sure, but why's that?" she asked confused.

"I'll explain everything when I get there."

"Is your mom taking you?"

"No, I'm walking ... should be there in 30 minutes." I said then we hang up.

She was one of my few classmates I was getting along with ... well ... kind of. Her name was Lily. Because she was living nearby I had no problem walking.

~ ~ ~ ~

*bing* ...//*door opens*

"Hi, come inside" she said.

I walked in.

"You must be cold. It's freezing outside ... come upstairs. That's my room."

We sat down on the bed and I explained everything to her. She was shocked.

"And basically all that because of a shampoo!?" she asked trying to cheer me up.

"Yeah" I smiled for a second, but then my thoughts got pouring back again.

" I'm kind of glad I live in this family" she saw my face not changing at that "... It'll be okay. You can stay here as long as needed. Mom will possibly let you. And you can just sleep with me. My bed is huge even for the two of us." she smiled.

"Thank you." I said wiping my teary eyes, slightly smiling.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Slowly this will be my first week here.
I've been crying a lot lately ... sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night shaking and crying. It might be a panic attack ... I'm not sure what words could describe it better than that.
I feel like slowly, but surely I'm reaching my breaking point ... I still do work. I even got another job and the money was saving up slowly, but being away from my sister is killing me. She was the only person that really ever mattered to me. The only one who believed in me and saw me for me and not for who I became during the bad times. Is she doing alright? Is she eating enough?

... We were in the room with Lily trying to find jobs for me to do on top of what I already have ...

"Urrghh ... they all could be fine if the working days would be different" she said annoyed.
*sight* ...

"Is there anything you could do? Maybe something adjustable like performing, singing ..." she asked me still thinking on the question herself.

"Performing?"

"I don't know. A lot of people do gigs and get a decent amount of money for it ... hmmm ... what is that genre called your listening to? You know that something with asian people."

"Kpop?" I asked a little offended （￣ー￣）

"That's it! I've heard they got good choreographies and songs and all that. I don't know singers?! Can you do any of that?" she asked almost slapping me while throwing her hands around.

"I do like to dance and been singing since a long time, but how is this going to help me, again?!"

"A friend of mine was into this as well ... well, he still is ,and went to some kind of audition . He got signed to a company and sent to a school or where. He's doing pretty good now. Although we haven't talked in a while though ....." did she just get lost in her thoughts?（￣ー￣）"...... so yeah, you should try that if you like it."

*blank face*

"Oh, comon. Can't you just show me how good you are at least?" she whined.

" 'Kay, but I'm not that good yet." I warned her.

I grabbed my phone to put on my jam.

*dancing coolly with some mistakes*
*done*
*heavy breathing* "Well? Is it good enough?"

...

"And why didn't you just tell me this earlier?!?!" she started playfully yelling at me "Any other things I missed on? Are you a wizard?" we laughed.

I missed having positive thoughts.

"Should we try the singing too?"

... We had fun together finding all my talents. Even ones like writing with a pencil ... with my feet toes!! Finding what things I'm best at will help me find a path that could allow me to properly pay a rent and food and to live off of it alone ... but if I manage that or more I want to be able to take care of my sister. And I won't give in until I can do so.
This is why I decided to try to be positive ,harder than ever ... She would want to see me like this too.

We also digged deeper into the Kpop business and companies and more. She was like my manager ... I'm still worried about my little sister, but to make a change I need to stay positive and go into the direction of success or at least hope for success.

Music industry is not a game and is far from a hobby. It's serious business. Normal people would have backed off by now thinking it's still impossible to get famous and earn money in the same time without selling your soul ... especially Kpop ... but as an old and wise man said once, "every dream is reachable as it only takes planning to get to".
Dreams are like islands far away from where we stand and they seem unreachable, but planning our way there is like building a bridge. It can let us walk to any island we see.

If I can do this ... I can finally go home ... where I always belonged.

*searching web*

"Wow ....... *amazed* ..... Korean men do look hot. And again, why didn't you tell me about this earlier??!!"

"Yeah, once you get into Kpop, there's no turning back." I said.

"Well ... I would take that risk anytime for this beautiful man. I wanna marry him now. Is that normal?!" she asked with a slightly worried expression.

"Yeah, in this world ... it is" we laughed.

"Oh, oh, oh, hey ..." she started screaming suddenly.

"What happened?!"

"Look!" she pointed at the laptop's screen.

"SM audition in London, with date and address??!!!!" I screamed as well.

"You should go. Try your luck!"

"But what's the chance of me getting in? That company is literally like a gate to heaven! There are thousands of people trying their luck." I really didn't see the point.

"How does it work anyways? I get the audition part, but what's after?" she asked seriously this time.

"If I get in for real, they will put me on a contract and take me to Korea. From there on I become a trainee and will have to leave in a dorm with many others under the company. Competing and training our hearts out for even years." I started to think of it myself as I said it out loud.

"But that's a place to stay at provided. I guess food also while chasing your dream."

She's right ... but it's harder than it looks and even I know that.

"Well ..." she broke the silence* "While you were drawing with your toes I was actually popping a text to my friend. And ... *stares* ... he said he knows someone living in a share house that maaaybee could save you a room for visit."

*blank face*

"You're moving back to Korea either ways!!" we screamed together jumping around.

"How do you do this?" I asked amazed.

"I have my contacts."

"Why did we never talk to each other before? Why did we became friends just now?"

"Hmmm ... I don't know. Seems like tough times do bring people together." she smiled.

I practiced a lot throughout the remaining 3 weeks we had left until the audition and on the day her mom was willing to take us to the place it was held at.
I was sooo nervous. I really wanted to get through. Maybe if I earn enough money I can bring my sister as well ... *sight*

And the moment came ...
I got called ... I have done my singing with some mistakes. I was too nervous. I felt awful, but it still wasn't bad and I knew that ...The next person was called. So I went to the hall and we left shortly after.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Days have passed or even a week now. We waited for the letter. Or something to prove I'm in or ... out. I woke up early every morning to see if they sent something, anything ... but nothing ...

"You okay? Still nothing?" Lily asked tapping my shoulder.

"No, nothing yet." *sight* "I thought it wasn't bad ... I was really hoping it could work out." I was almost crying, but held my tears back thinking my little sister wouldn't wanna see me sad.

"Well ... I had a talk with mom and ... you need to go ..." she looked down.

What?! Are they going to kick me out as well? How can I be so naive and unrespectful with them.

I've been here for how long. A month and a half?! ... still ... it reminded me of what happened before ...

"We can't let you stay any longer ... that's why ... you're MOVING TO KOREA!"

"What?!" I seriously blanked out.

"My friend's friend managed to save you a room. Someone moved out so you need to be quick getting there ..." // "Thank you." I hugged her.

I was saving up all my money. I had just enough money to get there and to spend on rent and food for a month if possible.

I can't believe I'm going home. Well, not literally because I was going to Seoul. Expensive, but Lily and I agreed to keep on trying to get into a Kpop company since I got so passionate about it. I never knew expressing myself in ways of dancing and singing could effect me this much. I really had so much motivation to chose this path ... my only problem is my sister ...
How could I leave her behind?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Lily and her mom took me to the airport ...

"Do you know where to go? What's the number of the gate?" Lily asked testing me.

"Don't worry, I do." I smiled.

"Okay dokey ... if anything happens just give me a call, 'kay?!"

"I will ... thank you so much for all of this." tears started to well up in my eyes.

We hugged each other for the last time ... Lily is someone I can finally call a friend.
I wish I could have seen this sooner. I'm so sad my life turned out like this ... but I'm glad I've found her ...

I already started walking to the check ...

"And don't look for your husband until you find a good job!" Lily shouted winking at me from far.

"Weren't you the one who wanted to merry that guy?!" I shouted back.

Her smile was the last thing I saw ...

And now ... let's go home.

*airplane mode*

Notes

Sorry for the troubles. I had a massive breakdown when I almost lost this whole thing. I had spent hours on it then my laptop shut down ... I seriously thought I was gonna die (x.x"

If you're new welcome!!!!!!! If not WELCOME!!!!!!!! Hope you enjoyed!! Please leave a comment. I wanna hear every opinion. That's how I can improve ... and also if you find any spelling mistakes!

This two chapter is really boring, but as in good books we have to understand the very beginning first to appreciate the whole story ... (-.-" ... So stay tuned!