Reality of love

She smiled as she flicked through the photos on her phone, most of them of her and her best friend, Min Yoongi. They had met on their first day at university, both of them had been running late and had crashed into each other in the hallway in their rush to get to their classroom. When they got there, the professor gave them both detention and their friendship had been cemented from then on.

They were now in their final year of university and although she would never admit it, she had fallen in love with her blond haired friend somewhere along the line. She was careful to keep her feelings in check, worried that she would destroy the friendship that she loved. She pretended that it didn’t faze her when he would use her lap as a pillow when he napped. She pretended that listening to him rap didn’t make her heart sing and her knees turn to rubber. She pretended that reading his lyrics didn’t make her glow with pride at how much he had improved over the years. But most importantly, she pretended that she didn’t love Min Yoongi.

She was pulled from her thoughts when Yoongi dropped down on the couch beside her, casually letting his arm rest on the back of the couch, his arm mere centimetres away from her. She locked her phone and turned to smile at him. “Finished for the day?” she asked, noting the time. He nodded and yawned loudly, not bothering to cover his mouth. She elbowed him in the side, “Yoongi, that’s so gross.” She whined. The blond haired boy just shrugged at her. “What’s the plan for dinner? I’m starving.” He asked, effectively changing the subject. “Soobin said she found a cool restaurant she wants us to go to, you up for it?” Yoongi nodded, “Sounds good. I’m gonna head back and get changed. Text me when we’re leaving and I’ll meet you out front.” He said as he pushed himself off of the couch and headed to his dorm room.

She let out a long breath, willing her heart rate to return to normal. A text from her roommate sounded from her phone and she rushed back to her dorm to get ready for the evening ahead.
A few hours, and a lot of drinks later, she found herself, Soobin, and Yoongi leaving the restaurant they had been in and heading to a club. The hot air of the club hit them as soon as they walked through the doors. The air heavy with the smell of alcohol and too many bodies sweating from dancing in such close proximity. They headed to the bar and Yoongi bought their first round of drinks. The first round of drinks quickly became two, then three, then four. By this point, the three of them were completely drunk. Yoongi leaned in to her, his lips accidentally brushing her ear as he yelled into her ear that he was going to the bathroom. She felt like her blood had been swapped with liquid adrenaline from his simple touch on her arm and the feeling of his breath in her ear.

She was pulled from her thoughts when Soobin shouted something from beside her, her voice almost disappearing into the loud, pulsing music of the club. If it hadn’t had been for her saying Yoongi’s name, she probably wouldn’t have noticed. “What?!” she yelled, hoping Soobin would hear her over the music. Soobin rolled her eyes and leaned closer. “I said, Yoongi is so fucking hot.” The thrumming in her veins was replaced by ice at her friend’s words. She nodded weakly, not sure what to say. “I mean, I know we’ve known him for forever but I didn’t notice until recently just how hot he is. Did you see his ass in those jeans? Damn…” her chest clenched painfully at the thought of Soobin and Yoongi together. Soobin had a reputation of getting what she wanted, especially when it came to men. She was curvy in all the right places, drop dead gorgeous, and she knew how to flirt.

She spotted Yoongi’s blond hair as he made his way back to them. She tried to think of some way to stop him from coming over. Some way to change Soobin’s mind but the alcohol had dulled her senses and she couldn’t think straight. As soon as Yoongi appeared by their side, Soobin immediately grabbed his hand and pulled him into the crowd leaving her alone by the bar. She watched on as her two best friends danced in the middle of the crowded club, Soobin shamelessly grinding against Yoongi. Part of her wanted to scream. To pull the two of them apart and tell Soobin to keep her hands to herself. Part of her wanted to cry, she reasoned with herself that this was probably the drunk part of herself. She wasn’t one to cry easily but the longer she watched, the stronger the urge to cry became.

She tore her gaze away from the dancing couple and signalled to the bartender to bring another round of drinks. She downed all three shots on her own, grimacing at the strong taste and signalled for another round. She had just downed the first shot, her hand reaching for the second one when Yoongi’s pale hand covered hers. He frowned at her and took the glass from her hand and drank it himself. “You might want to slow down there.” He said, one eyebrow raised. She snorted, not able to control her feelings as well as she wanted. She reached out for the last glass but Yoongi’s hand grabbed the drink before she could. “Gimme the glass Yoongi.” She said, her tone colder than she had intended, and her words slurring slightly as she reached forward for the drink.

Yoongi shook his head and downed the contents of the glass before slamming it back on the bar. “I think you’ve had enough.” He said as he noticed her flushed cheeks. She sighed loudly as she turned away from him. “Where’s Soobin?” she asked, hoping the jealously wasn’t as clear in her voice as it was in her head. “Bathroom, but never mind that. Did something happen? You seem upset.” His caring tone melted some of her anger away. And what right did she have to be angry in the first place? Soobin and Yoongi were both single, consenting adults. If they wanted to hook up or whatever, what did it have to do with her? It’s not like Yoongi and her were dating, she had no claim over him. He was free to date or fuck whoever he liked.

She must have taken too long to reply as Yoongi gently grabbed her arm to get her attention. “Hyerim?” she shook her head, as if the physical action would get rid of the thoughts plaguing her mind. She turned back to Yoongi and smiled at him. “I’m ok, just a little drunk.” He frowned at her, his expression showing that he wasn’t convinced by her answer. He was about to say something when Soobin appeared. She jumped in between the two of them, wrapping an arm around each of their shoulders, “Hey, I’m not interrupting anything, right?” Hyerim shook her head, “Of course not. Next rounds on me.” She said as she pulled away from Soobin and signalled for another round of drinks. Yoongi frowned at her, confused by her behaviour. Their drinks came and Hyerim quickly got them to drink before Soobin pulled them back onto the dancefloor.

She tried to ignore the fact that Soobin kept Yoongi to herself as she danced with a cute guy with orange hair that she recognised from one of her classes. By the time the club closed and they were forced to go back to their dorm, the three of them were completely trashed. The three of them leaned against each other, trying to keep themselves upright. When they finally got back to their dorm, Hyerim stumbled on ahead, her budding headache forcing her to find somewhere to sleep as soon as possible. She could hear Soobin laughing behind her as she wobbled in her too high heels.

She turned around and was not prepared to see Soobin plastered against Yoongi, the latter pressed up against the wall as Soobin kissed him passionately. She let out a small cry, her hand flying up to cover her mouth. She turned away and rushed through the hallways, desperate to get away from the sight of Soobin and Yoongi together. She passed her dorm room and headed for the fire exit stairs at the end of the hallway. She knew the door wasn’t alarmed so she threw her whole weight against it, the door swinging open and slamming against the metal railings. She let out a sob as she followed the stairs up to the roof, letting the cool air caress her skin.

When she arrived at the top of the stairs, she dropped to her knees, not caring that her tights would probably be ruined and let the tears flow freely down her cheeks. Her hand clutched at her chest as it tightened painfully. The sight of Soobin and Yoongi together burned into her mind. She stayed on the roof until the sun chased away the darkness and the sky turned lighter, tinted with shades of pink and purple. She sat with her back against the wall, her eyes puffy and red from crying, tear stains on her cheeks, stained black from her mascara, her hands limply hanging by her side. Usually she would have loved the beautiful colours in the sky, but this morning was different. Today the beautiful colours looked ugly and out of place with her mood.

She didn’t dare go back to her dorm, afraid of what she would find if she did. Images of Soobin and Yoongi lying naked together tormented her. She pulled her knees up to her chest as fresh tears pricked at her eyes. She wondered how she still had any tears left to shed. After another bout of crying, she attempted to wipe away the mascara stains on her cheeks, using her phone as a mirror. As she wiped away her tears, she received an email from one of her professors. Happy to delay her return to her dorm room, she opened the email, expecting it to be feedback about their latest assignment. Her eyes opened wider as she read the email. Her professor had contacts in America and was offering her the chance to go and study there. A million thoughts ran through her head. She weighed up the pros and cons of going. The thought that finally tipped the scale was the memory of Soobin and Yoongi together. She replied immediately saying that she would take the opportunity and go.

Once the email was sent, she stood up. A feeling of determination washing over her. She wouldn’t shed another tear for Min Yoongi. Her professor had mentioned that the deadline was in a month. She straightened her shoulders and headed back down to her dorm. She hesitated outside of her dorm door, taking a deep breath to calm her nerves. When she opened the door, the dorm was thankfully empty. She stepped inside and wondered if the dorm being empty was a good sign. The thought that they had went back to Yoongi’s dorm formed in her mind but she pushed it away as she gathered the things she needed for a shower, desperate to remove the thoughts and sweat from the night before.

Over the next month she kept herself busy with preparing for her departure. She had subtly distanced herself from Soobin and Yoongi. Doing it little by little so that they wouldn’t get suspicious. She was lucky enough that her parents lived nearby, even though she had chosen to live on campus. She used the excuse that her parents needed help with their restaurant to keep her distance from Yoongi and Soobin. She knew that the two of them were spending a lot of time together. A part of her said that this wasn’t actually anything new as the three of them had been friends for years, but the more irrational part of her said it was because the paradigm of their relationship had changed and become more intimate.

She didn’t know why she hadn’t told them about her plan to go to America, part of her wondered if they would even care. She knew she was being silly, but it was the part of her that was still licking the wound of seeing the guy she had been in love with for so long in the arms of her best friend. And that part of her was not good at being rational. The day before she left she was with her family, having one last family meal before she left in the morning. Once they had all finished eating, she returned to her room and made sure she had packed everything she would need for her trip. Her phone buzzed from its place on her bedside table. The familiar tightening feeling grasped her chest as she saw Yoongi’s name on the display.

Her finger hovered over the device, part of her desperate to read the message, the other part of her wanting to just delete it and pretend he hadn’t sent it. Eventually she shut off her phone without looking at the message. She tossed the phone into her bag and set her alarm. She curled up in bed, staring at the ceiling for the longest time before she finally fell into a dreamless sleep.

Notes