Gratefulness~ pt.5

"Have you two be talking a lot lately?" Kiko asks. I sit down next to her on the bench, crossing my legs and leaning my head back. I take a small breath of the cold air in my lugns, wishing it was pure energy I could suck in to bare this short moment of torture.
"No, not really," I say and I can feel the happy smirk spreading on her face although I can't see it behind her thick hair. I just sense it. Very clearly.
"Ah, he's abroad isn't he?" she asks in a foxy way.
"Yep," I answer shortly, glancing at her. She smiles softly for a while, so happy that I'm just as far away from him as she is herself. But really all I can think about is that I just want to fall asleep and forget the world...
"I really didn't come here just for you," she says as she takes a look at her phone, checking what time it is and trying to seem like she's busy but how would I know if she really is.
"I bet you didn't," I mutter silently. I just don't care. I wish she would just let me go. I'm miserable enough already.
"I have lots of important stuff to do."
"Could you just tell me the reason why you came? I'm busy too," I nag.
Kiko looks at me disrespectfully but I don't mind. Then she turns to look at the ground and smiles happily, too happily.
"I came to warn you."
I look at her suspiciously. Why would she warn me about anything?
"I think you should know one thing," she turns to look at me, her strict gaze digging through my eyes when she states with full confidence: "Ji Yong will forever love me."
Not this again, I think to myself. I don't have time for this.
"I only left him because I knew it would be a good way to get my revenge because, in the end, he will only love me. He said once that 'no matter what would happen I would always be her one and only.' He wouldn't need anyone or anything if he only had me."
I know she's lying about the reason for leaving Jiyong, maybe only trying to cover the situation up for her sake. Still, I guess I should now get bothered by the idea of him still loving this witch. He really cared for her, a lot. But my mind is so stuffed I just can't. I can't even get mad at her.
"You're just wasting your time," I say with a blank expression on my face and notice how she tries to hide her confusion.
"But you will never be enough for him," Kiko tries to convince me.
"You know what?" I stand up, snatch the key card from her hands. "I don't care," I shrug.
"Oh, and now you don't care about him?" she gives a laugh. "How convenient! I should propably go see him and tell him--"
"I don't care about this mess between us three. I just," I sigh loudly. "I really don't have energy for this. Just leave me alone, like I did."
And I walk away, leaving her alone in the park to think about what just happened. I don't care if she now thinks that I don't care about him. I just let her think whatever she thinks about me.

I shut the door after me and walk past the kitchen where Narelle is in the middle of making us dinner. The pots clink together like the thoughts in my head that are too blurred to be read. Not now.
"Minea?" she calls my name silently.
But I keep walking until I get to fall on my bed and squeeze the soft pillow between my white fingers, knuckles popping out. I guess I never realised I had lost so much weight my bones are now visible everywhere, due to the past weeks. I should eat more. Narelle follows me with a big wooden spoon in her hand. She looks at me worried.
"Has something bad happened? I mean, more something bad?" she asks because she knows about my mother. I sigh tiredly.
"Kiko was waiting for me," I mutter.
"Kiko??" her eyes widen and jaw drop like it was the end of the world and maybe that's how I would have looked at Kiko when I saw her if I wasn't feeling so gloomy. "Really?!"
"Yes," I confirm not a bit of a interest in my tone. "She said Ji Yong will forever love only her. Or that I'm not enough for him."
Narelle comes to sit on my bed and she looks at me astonished.
"But that's not true," she pets my hair and it feels nice. My mom used to do the same when I was upset.
"I know," I say. "I don't mind. I don't really care anymore."
"You do care," Narelle says and smiles. "It just takes some time."
"I know," I repeat. "I know..."
"I made dinner," she says as she stands up.
"I just want to sleep," I mutter and hide my head against the pillow.
"Okay," Narelle seems worried again. "Just don't sleep forever."
"I won't," I promise. I know what she means by sleeping forever, that I should get up from the muds and continue living normally at some point. Just not yet... Maybe tomorrow. Or some day.

"Where's Mi-Ok?" I ask as I walk to the kitchen after my nap. Narelle is laying on the sofa with study books in her hands. She glances at me as I take a plate from the shelf.
"I don't know. She's really never here at dinner time," she says, and it's actually true but I got just as much inspiration in thinking about the reasons. Maybe she's just dating someone.
"Yeah," I take some food on a plate and sit down, try to focus on eating well this time. It's delicious as always when Narelle makes it. If she wouldn't be a YG trainee, I think she should be a cook.
And then I have to rush to the media class and then to the dance practices and then I finally get to come back to the dorm and wrap up the day.

Also, Ji sends me a message, checking how I'm doing. He has been very anxious after hearing about the funeral. He thinks I might go insane, that I should take some time off or come to see him or anything else but continuing like everything's okay. But the thing is that I know that everything is not okay. I do know. My mom is gone, I will never have the same kind of warmth waiting for me whenever I decide to visit home. And Ji Yong is abroad which means I won't be able to see him and hug him in months. And my group forming is coming and that again means that I will have to work harder and together with new people I might not even know and I will have to get to know them and that I should have enough energy to pretend to be funny and happy and a nice girl so that they won't hate on me too and... I just am so full of everything at the moment. I don't know what is positive. I just don't know.

Notes