Gratefulness~ pt.5

The taxi drives to the yard and I quickly pay the man before dashing out of the car and running inside the hospital. I find the right room quickly and push the door open.

There she is, laying on her big bed. It looks very big because she looks so small and fragile on it. She looks like she could break...
I get a chair and sit on the other side of the bed while BaBo is gazing at me.
"She's sleeping. Don't wake her up," BaBo says beneath her black snapback and looks at Mi-Ok. I look at her too and only now I realise how ill she looks. I can't help it. A tear runs down my cheek.
"Aren't you ashamed?" BaBo whispered loud enough for me to hear it, slowly turning to look at me with disgust.
"You didn't see that your friend was this sick when you were dancing on the pink clouds with your dragon boy. You two don't even look good together."
And I look away from BaBo. I don't understand how she can say such things in this situation. I stare at all the bags hanging from a hanger, attached to Mi-Ok with tubes. The silence is surrounding us.
"Is this the reason why she didn't eat at the cafeteria?" I ask quietly.
"She hasn't eaten there for a long time," BaBo answered normally this time.
"And you know those pills she has been taking?" she continues. I glance at her with a serious expression on my face and nod.
"They weren't vitamins."
"What?" I gasp.
"They were diet pills that basically just make the body to dry up," BaBo bites her teeth together and stares at our patient calmly, crossing her arms and sinking down in the chair.
"She barely eats anything. Only if we're present. And even then she says that she has already eaten so that she doesn't have to eat much."
I turn to look at the always so positive and cheerful Mi-Ok, now suffering in her weak body.
"I would never have guessed," I let out a sigh.

I'm laying on my bed on Wednesday evening and finishing my lyrics when BaBo comes into the room. I write the last words down and then turn to look at her.
"Hmh?"
"Could you feed the cat? I'm gonna go see Mi-Ok because you don't care," she says silently, leaning against the open door.
I've been trying to be nice to her and I actually thought she was finally ready to live in peace but I guess I was wrong.
"Can you stop blaming me! If you yourself saw and knew about all the things you told me about yesterday, why didn't you do anything?"
"I wanted to see how blind you were and how shitty leader YG had chosen."
"You are sick! You could have done something but instead you chose to revenge me!? Although, at first I was very surprised of his choice too, now I am actually very happy that you are not the leader! I will go to see her at the hospital and I tell you to feed the cat if you want to show even a little bit of caring for others than just for yourself," I shake my head before dashing out of the door.

Instead of taking a taxi to the hospital, I just take the bus that had just arrived at the bus stop in front of our dormitory and sit down in the back. I'm not even going to go the hospital because I went there in the morning but how would BaBo have known. I just decide to maybe get off near the YG building and walk back to the dormitory. I can't go back to Ji's apartment tonight because then BaBo would have another reason to say bad things about me, although I would like to go.
Or would I? Whenever I go to his apartment, I just end up laying down and wishing he was there. I forget to live. I guess I have had enough of feeling lonely. I have the members and I have many other friends too, which brings to my mind that I haven't seen the other BIGBANG members for a good while. I should see them.

I flash my bus card and step out into the fresh and cold air. It's so dark it's pitch black. The winter is coming and so is Christmas. I'm excited for it because I it will be so different this year. Of course it will be sad because I can't spend it with my mother... She always used to make the Christmas such a great holiday for us. But I'm more excited than sad because I have no idea how wonderful it will be and whom I will spend it with. Will there be a Christmas Party? I really hope so. And I also hope that Ji would come back home then. And why wouldn't he?
I see someone dressed in a brown coat and a black brimmed hat walking at the building's parking lot. He walks closer towards the gate and I recognise him. And for mt surprise, it's T.O.P. What a coincidence.
"Seunghyun," I say to him as he gets closer. He looks away from his phone, wondering where the voice came from. He must not have seen me from afar. Seunghyun looks at me and blinks a few times confused.
"You," he says in Korean and apparently trusts that I already handle the language.
"What are doing here in front of me?" he asks with the confused look on his face still. I laugh a bit.
"I'm just taking a walk," I say and he looks at my not-so-sporty outfit.
"Okay," he seems to understand.
"But what are you doing here?" I ask akwardly. Seunghyun's face turns pale out of a sudden and he coughs to clear his throat.
"You know, working. We work 24/7."
"Oh, yeah. Right," I nod. He looks at my poor oufit again. I didn't even get a chance to grab a jacket or a scarf with me before I left.
"But you should get back to the dorm quickly before you die. You know, it's cold and dangerous here at the nighttime," he warns me looks at the quiet bus stop.
"Should I make sure you get home safely?"
"Oh, no. You don't need to bother. Really," I shake my head and smile. "I'll be just fine."
And then Seunghyun sees the next bus arriving and he takes my hand, guiding me to the bus stop.
"I'll do it," he says stubbornly and gets me into the bus and joins me. I sit down at the corner silently and he sits beside me. It's a bit akward for a good while, listening to the dull music. I lean my head against the cold window.
"Do you know how long it is to your dormitory?" T.O.P turns to whisper to me and I shrug.
"Yeah..." I look at him. "Why did you come with me? Aren't you afraid of rumours?"
There are a few other people in the bus as well but they are fortunately all elders and not very interested in us.
"What rumours?" Seunghyun looks at me confused. He looks like a monkey when he makes that face, I think to myself.
"Dating rumours," I whisper silently back. I'm so tired I have to yawn.
"What?" he laughs suddenly. "No... I'm so old. I could almost be your father."
And his answer makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. Or actually a lot uncomfortable. I look down. He is actually right. I am so much younger than all the members, including Ji Yong. I just haven't thought about it that much. Last time was when we first time hooked up and then I decided to forget the age gap because I thought it wouldn't matter so much.
Seunghyun sees my gloomy expression and leans closer.
"It's not that you are too young for me," he tries to apologizes for his words and smile at me.
"But because I feel myself so much older than what you are right now."
I try to smile a little, not so genuinely though.
"But you don't look too old," I note. He just chuckles.
"You are just at that point of your life I experienced nine years ago. You have a lot to experience in life," he pats my shoulder gently. I sigh silently and look outside.
"I thought age didn't matter..."
"It doesn't. That much. But if I was with you... You are my dongsaeng," he tries his hardest to explain me and for a second I wonder if he's trying to indicate something as if me and Ji were not compatible. I know that TOP is old but I thought that he would understand our relationship. I never even doubted that. It just ran around the corner at me.
"At least we would have something in common, right? The music industry. You could help me," I glance at him.
"Yeah, yeah," he nods. "But that's the thing. It would feel like I was your teacher and you my student and it would feel weird."
I'm starting to think that he just wants to feel comfortable around me and is not interested in me in such a way but that is self-explanatory for me, so this really isn't necessary. But what if he really tries to tell me something?
"Yeah, you can't get over it and I can't understand you fully."
I hear Seunghyun muttering something for an agreement.
"And I can't understand Ji Yong fully," I whisper against the window.

Notes