Remembering Elizabeth (Featuring Suho and Sehun)

It turned out that Kai had a pretty severe concussion but there was no permanent damage and he only required a week of bed rest. I think he welcomed it. Sehun hadn’t left my side since picking me up at the hospital. He apologized over and over for listening to Chanyeol and I apologized over and over for lying about Kyung. He said that he understood why I hadn’t wanted him to know and I promised to tell him everything from that moment on.
Sehun didn’t seem to want to hang around with the others much. We had our meals alone in the Sun room and when they were in the pool or the game room or the theater, he didn’t want to go. His hands were always on me in one way or another. It was like he wanted to make sure that I was never an arms-length away.
It had been two days since the accident and the storm had only gotten worse. The roads were impassable and the boys were getting a bad case of cabin fever. It was all Suho could do to keep them from destroying the house. I was cuddled up under a giant blanket in front of the fireplace in the big living room with my second “Bridgerton Romance” novel and Sehun sat across from me with his feet propped up on the glass coffee table, which Suho had specifically asked him not to do, and his laptop on… well… his lap.
Lay came into the room like a bouncing ball and jumped onto the couch beside me. Sehun gave him a stern look and Lay ignored him.
“We’re going sledding on the big hill. Wanna come?” asked Lay.
Before I had a chance to say anything, Sehun said, “No thanks. We’re good.”
Lay looked at me with a curious expression and said, “What about you?”
Sehun looked up from his laptop and said, “She’s good where she’s at. Look at how comfortable she is right there. She doesn’t need to go out into the cold and get sick.” He hit something on the keyboard.
Lay looked back and forth between us. “Well, does she have permission to speak or does she have to run everything by you first?” asked Lay.
Without looking up, Sehun said, “She has to run it by me.”
Lay looked at me, his mouth in a straight line and his dimples very prominent. They were so cute. “Well, okay then. I can’t promise cocoa if you don’t go,” he said.
“Have fun,” said Sehun and he hit more keys on the laptop.
Lay ruffled my hair as he left the room and Sehun threw him an aggravated look.
I put my book down and watched Sehun. He was handsome no matter what. Sitting there in a t-shirt and sweats with mismatched socks and glasses, he was maybe even more sexy than when he dressed up. He noticed me watching him and he looked up from whatever he was working on. He smiled and said, “What?”
“I just like looking at you,” I said.
“You aren’t mad that I didn’t want to go with them are you?” he asked.
“No. I did kind of wonder why you just automatically decided that I wasn’t going either,” I said.
“I’m not letting one more thing happen to you. I really don’t want you going out and getting sick and knowing you, you’d fall into some sort of ice cave or get kidnapped by a Yeti! I like to have you where I can see you, touch you, and get to you when it’s necessary.”
I let that sink in for a moment before I asked, “Don’t you trust the others to take care of me?”
“You were with Jongin and almost froze to death. Not to mention having to get naked with him to survive. So, um, no I don’t!” he said.
“But he did keep me alive and we were not naked!” I said.
“He also took you out in a snow storm and almost got you killed and yes you were,” he said.
“Sehun, you can’t protect me from everything. There will come a time when we won’t be in the same place.”
He looked back down and started typing, “That won’t be anytime soon.”
I smiled and shook my head and went back to my book.

We knew when the boys were back. It went from nice and quiet to a tornado of noise in a second flat. Sehun and I were finishing up our dinner and he wanted to hurry and go upstairs before they started piling into the dining room. He was trying very hard to avoid the others and I knew something was wrong. I waited until we were in his room before I brought it up.
He sat on the edge of his bed and held his arms out to me. I went to him and put my arms around his head and laid his head against my chest as I ran my fingers through his hair.
“What’s wrong, Sehun?” I asked.
“What do you mean?” His hands were moving up and down the backs of my thighs.
“Why are you avoiding the others? What’s going on?” I asked.
“I’m not avoiding them,” he said. “Not all of them,” he said more softly and moved his hands up to my lower back.
I waited for him to continue. When he didn’t I asked, “Who?”
“Just Chanyeol,” he said.
“Buy why? I thought you two were close,” I said.
He sat back and took my hands in his. “We are but he thinks I’m being an idiot. I don’t want to listen to him anymore. I just want to be with you and be happy and not fight anymore.”
“Why does he think you’re being an idiot?” I asked.
“I don’t know. It doesn’t matter anyway because he’s wrong. You know what I want to do?” he asked.
I wanted to know more but it was apparent that he didn’t want to discuss it so I let it drop. For now. “What?” I asked.
“Let’s lock ourselves in the theater, watch a movie, and make out. We can take the pillows and blankets and popcorn and camp out. Wanna?”
I put my hands on either side of his face. “You’re too cute to say no to,” I said and gave him a quick kiss.
He pulled me down onto the bed and grinning down at me he said, “That’s good to know!” He gave me a slow long kiss that left me breathless.
“I thought we were making out in the theater,” I said when he ended the kiss.
“We are. We are going to make out in every room in this house before I’m through with you!” he said and laughed. He stood up and pulled me up with him.
“I hope you’re never through with me!” I said.
“No worries! I won’t be. Ever!”

We stopped by the linen closet and found the biggest fluffiest blankets and pillows we could and made a nest in the middle of the theater. Sehun locked the doors, put on a scary movie because he said they were the best to cuddle to, and brought a giant bowl of popcorn and drinks for us to snack on. I didn’t know how much of it would be eaten because I think our plan was to do most of our snacking on each other.
We snuggled down in the blankets and got comfortable and after a few minutes, Sehun said it was always better to watch a movie if you weren’t wearing a shirt. I giggled as we took off our shirts. I cuddled into his side but a minute or two later, he said it was so much more comfortable to watch a scary movie without pants.
“I think you were right about the shirts but I’m a little skeptical about the pants thing,” I said.
“Try it and see,” he said.
We took off our pants.
“See?” he asked.
“Okay. You were right. This is better.”
At that moment, a very graphic sex scene started and I closed my eyes and turned toward Sehun to hide my face against his chest. When I laughed, it tickled him. “You picked this one on purpose didn’t you?” I asked, my voice muffled against him.
He laughed. “I’ve never seen this one. I swear!” he said. I felt him reach up and unhook my bra. I looked up at him and he said in a soft voice, “This needs to go.” I let him take it off but then he gave me a funny look.
“What?” I asked.
“Did you leave your bra on with Jongin?” he asked.
“Yes! Of course I did! Sehun, the only reason we did that was to keep warm. Trust me, we were way too cold to think anything of it!” I wanted to reassure him since Kai told me how jealous he was.
“So if it wasn’t cold, you would have thought about it?” he asked.
“If it wasn’t cold, it wouldn’t have happened silly!” I said.
“Okay. I got it,” he said and grinned.
I looked at the screen at the wrong time because just then, one of the naked girls was stabbed at least twenty times. I hid my face against his chest again.
Sehun’s hands moved down and his fingers inched their way under the waistband of my panties. He began slowly pushing them down.
“What exactly are you doing? Are you really going to try to tell me that a movie is best if you are completely naked?” I asked.
“Well, it is!” he said and kept pushing them down.
“Okay, fine. I started doing the same thing to his underwear. He didn’t seem to have a problem with it.
When we were both sans clothing, I turned over with my back to him and said, “Alright. Let’s see if it’s true. Let’s see if a movie is truly better when you’re naked.”
“If you think you’re safer laying that way, you are sadly mistaken,” he whispered against my neck. I had just given him better access to everything. His free hand slid up to hold my breast and his arousal was pushed up against me. All he had to do was move a little bit in the right way and I would be compromised. That thought excited me more than it should have.
Just then, someone knocked on the door and startled us both. We jumped at the same time. “Go away! This room is busy right now!” yelled Sehun.
“Is that Sehun?” someone yelled back.
“Yes! Now leave!”
It was quiet for a second and then we heard, “Are you watching porn in there? Can’t you do that in your room on your laptop like you usually do?”
“No! Now go away!” yelled Sehun.
“Which one are you watching?” the voice asked.
“I’m making my own now LEAVE!” yelled Sehun even louder.
After another moment of silence we heard, “Are you filming yourself?”
“NO!” yelled Sehun. “GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!”
There was laughter as the person moved away from the door.
“Who was that?” I asked and tried not to laugh but I wasn’t doing a good job of it.
“Jongdae! He only said that because he knew I was in here with you,” said Sehun. I could almost hear him blushing.
“That’s Chen right?” I asked.
“Right and he was lying. I don’t… well… he made it sound like I sit in my room and watch porn all the time and that isn’t true,” he said.
“Uh-huh. Right! Sure,” I teased.
“Hey! You’re gonna get it you little brat!” he said and started tickling me. I squirmed but I think he realized his mistake because he stopped and pulled me tight against him. I could feel how much harder my wiggling had made him. He rested his forehead against my shoulder and I think he was trying to stop himself from getting too excited too quickly.
I started watching the movie while he tried to calm himself then I heard him whisper, “I don’t want you to be mad at me, and I know this probably isn’t the right time, but I’ve been wondering something.”
“Alright,” I said. I was a little worried because I thought we had worked through everything.
“Um… When you were with… well, you know. I don’t even want to say his name but that monster that hurt you, ummmm…did he ever make you, well, uh, you know. Uhhh…” Sehun stuttered through the sentence.
“Did he make me come?” I asked.
“Uhhh…yeah,” he whispered.
“Does it matter?” I asked. I didn’t want to tell him yes. I didn’t even want to talk about it.
“No. I just think about it sometimes. I don’t know how… or what happens when… ummm…when someone is, you know, uhhh…forced.” I could tell he had trouble getting the words out and he couldn’t even bring himself to use the word ‘rape’.
“If I told you no, that I never came or even got excited with Kyung, would you believe me?” I asked.
“Yes. You said you would tell me the truth if I wanted to know,” he reminded me.
I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want him to know. He was going to wonder unless I told him though and I knew that not knowing could sometimes be worse. “Um, I didn’t come every time, no,” I said.
“But there were times when you did?” he continued.
I wanted him to quit asking but I knew he wouldn’t until he knew everything. “I don’t remember every time,” I said. I knew I was dodging his questions and so did he.
“Elizabeth, it’s okay to tell me,” he said.
“Why do you have to know? Why do you torture yourself with things that can’t be changed?”
“I don’t know. I guess I worry that being with him was better than being with me. I worry that what you really want is to be tied to the bed and taken against your will. Do you think about it? Do you wish I would do what he did? Do you think about him when you’re with me?”
“Of course not, Sehun! You are all I think about when I’m with you.” I couldn’t tell him the truth this time. He didn’t need to know that some of the things he does causes me to flash back to Kyung. It would be cruel to tell him that. “The truth, if you really have to know, is that sometimes I do get a little more excited when you hold me down or when you get a little rough. I don’t know if it is because of what happened to me or if I was always like that but it makes me ashamed to admit it and that’s why I never told you. I like it when you undress me. I like it when you hold my wrists and I can’t move. I like the thought of being under your control. It makes me feel a little bit wrong and a little bit dirty. Does that make you look at me different?” I had said more than I meant to.
Sehun was quiet. There was screaming on the movie and I almost didn’t hear him when he said, “I don’t want to be mean to you.”
“You don’t have to be. Everything you already do is perfect. I don’t want you to do anything that makes you feel bad. About yourself or about me. Please. Just know that I only think of you. I only want you. They way you are. The way you are with me.” I turned to face him and I pressed myself against him as close as I could get.
He wrapped himself around me. Then he asked, “Was he ever gentle with you?”
“If he was I don’t remember it. The bad things overshadow the other things so much that they are all I remember,” I said. I felt like crying. I didn’t want to remember any of it. Not when I was with Sehun.
“What do you remember? What was it like there?” he persisted.
I let out a long breath. “What exactly do you want to know?” I asked.
“Everything you remember,” he said and put his lips against my forehead.
“Well, I remember being taken there. He said he was going to show me how to get to a restaurant where I was supposed to meet my sister. I followed him and he locked me in.”
Sehun interrupted me. “Is that when he forced himself on you?”
“No. That didn’t happen for a while actually. That didn’t happen until he got really drunk.”
“So he didn’t take you there to rape you?” he asked.
“I don’t think so. I remember other little things. I didn’t eat because I was afraid he was poisoning my food. Whenever I ate I would get really sick.” As I talked, I felt like I was in a trance. It was coming back to me again in images and I forgot I was talking to Sehun. “I remember pink rose petals, a red couch, a heavy chain that left little swirly scratches on the wooden floors, and broken glass. I remember the sound of a whip, heavy boots on wooden floors, darkness, black satin, and a broken dresser. There was a blue-faced demon, three engagement rings, and a little gold key on a chain.” My voice trailed off. I felt like I was back in my prison cell.
“A blue-faced demon?” asked Sehun.
“Kyung. At night, there was a blue light that shined in my room and the first night he raped me, he looked like a demon with a blue face. I dreamed he would drown me in the bathtub.”
“My God. You only remember those things as things and not whole memories?” he asked.
“They come to me as images. I don’t know what all of them mean,” I said.
Sehun’s hands were making circles on my back. “Tell me about the first time you were with him,” he whispered.
“Why?” I asked.
“I’m curious. I’d like to know what you remember,” he said.
“What if I don’t want you to know?” I asked.
“Please? I’m sure the image I have in my mind is so much worse than the truth,” he said.
I let out another long slow breath. I didn’t know why he was doing this to himself. “ Alright. As I said, he was very drunk. He had been sleeping on the couch and I slept in his room…”
“He didn’t share the bed with you?” he asked.
“Not at first. He came in and started to undress. He was so drunk that he couldn’t unbutton his shirt so he ripped it off. I tried to get him to go back to the couch but he wouldn’t listen and he took the rest of his clothes off. He got into the bed and fell asleep.” Sehun’s hands were moving up and down my back, my arm, and sometimes over my backside. I felt a little weird talking about Kyung when Sehun was being so intimate. “I tried to escape but he caught me. He was really angry and he forced me into the bed,” I said. Sehun started kissing my neck and I began to wonder if he was getting turned on by what I was telling him.
“He began kissing me and touching me and at that point, I actually started to like it. I started to want him,” I said. I was afraid of what Sehun’s reaction would be to that but he just bit into my shoulder and ran his hand down the outside of my thigh.
“Then what?” he asked.
“Then he held my wrists over my head and made me open my legs.”
Sehun started to breath heavier. His breath was hot on my skin. I wanted to concentrate on him and what he was doing but when I closed my eyes, he became Kyung.
“And…” he whispered into my ear as he pulled my earlobe into his mouth and bit down. My breath caught in my throat.
“He… he…”
“Say it!” said Sehun and he rolled me onto my back. He grabbed my free hand and pushed it roughly against the floor and held it there.
“He went inside me and…” I didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t know why Sehun was reacting this way.
“No! Tell me what he really did! Say it dirty like it really was!” said Sehun. He let go of my hand and climbed on top of me. With his leg, he pushed my legs apart. I had to admit that I was a little afraid of him at that moment.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I said. Sehun grabbed both of my wrists hard and pushed them above my head. It almost felt like he was punishing me for what I was saying.
“Yes you do. Tell me what he did to you, Elizabeth. What he really did that night!” I could feel him pushing against my entrance but he didn’t enter me.
“Why are you doing this, Sehun?”
He ignored my question. He put his mouth near my ear and said, “What did he do to you, Elizabeth?”
“He… umm… I can’t…” I didn’t want to say it.
Sehun pushed himself into me and said, “He fucked you, Elizabeth! Say it! He fucked you didn’t he? DIDN’T HE?” He didn’t let me answer. He put his mouth over mine and filled my mouth with his tongue. He was pushing himself into me harder and faster. He let go of my wrists so that he could hold onto my hips. When he ended the kiss, he whispered, “And you wanted him to.”
He was punishing me. I didn’t know if he even realized it but he was angry with me because I had said that I liked it. I let him punish me because I knew I deserved it. I lay there and took it without another word.
He finished with a roar and left me immediately. He rolled onto his back and I lay there feeling as dirty and ashamed as he had wanted me to. I turned away from him and said, “Please don’t ever ask me anything about Kyung again.”
Sehun sat up. “Oh God! Elizabeth! I’m sorry. No, no, no, no, no! I don’t know what got into me. Come here. Please, come here. I’m sorry!” He pulled me back to face him and put his arms around me. He seemed panicked. He began putting quick little kisses all over my face. “No, no, no, no, no! Please, Elizabeth. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean to act that way. I’m not like him! I’m NOT LIKE HIM! Please kiss me. Kiss me…” He put his mouth on mine again. I kissed him back. This kiss was gentle and almost desperate. I knew he hadn’t realized what he had been doing. He had been angry and like Suho said, he acts before he thinks.
I let him apologize and I accepted it. I knew that no matter what I said, what he just did was going to haunt him for a long time. If not forever. He felt like he was like Kyung now. Of course he wasn’t. He was still my sweet Sehun that would protect me no matter what. He held me and laid his head on my chest and that was when I realized that he was crying. I didn’t cry. I felt numb.
“Please don’t leave me,” he said after a few quiet minutes.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I answered.
“I’m just like him aren’t I?” he asked.
“Sehun, look at me,” I said. He still laid there. “Look at me please.”
He finally raised his head and looked at me. I could see how hard it was for him to look into my eyes.
“You are absolutely NOTHING like him! NOTHING! I would let you do anything to me that you needed to do if it was what you wanted. If you need to make me pay for all of the trouble I’ve caused, then I won’t fight you. If you want to make me pay for liking what Kyung did to me, then that’s fine too. I deserve it. Nothing you could ever do to me will make you anything like him. Nothing you could do to me, will ever be as bad as what he did.”
He looked at me like he couldn’t comprehend what I was saying. “Please don’t say that!” he said and scooted up so that his face was even with mine. “I don’t want to punish you. You haven’t done anything wrong. I never want to hurt you. Ever! I was so wrong tonight. I wouldn’t blame you if you were afraid of me and didn’t want to be around me anymore.”
“I’m not afraid of you. Besides Suho, you’re the least scary person I know.” I knew that the only way that he was going to feel better was if I showed him that I wasn’t afraid of him. “Would you feel better if I punished YOU?”
“What do you mean?” he asked.
I pushed him onto his back and straddled him. I grabbed his wrists as hard as I could and slammed them down on either side of his head. His eyes grew big and I kissed him. It was a hard punishing kiss and when he put his tongue in my mouth, I bit him. I slid down and was happy to see that he was ready for me. That was quick, I thought. I only let him enter me an inch. When he would try to go further, I would pull away. I could feel him getting harder and he began to whine.
“I’m sorry. Please, Elizabeth. I’m so sorry. I’m dying! Please go further,” he begged. I had no intention of letting him inside of me. I let go of his hand and began touching myself as I let him go in that one inch and then pulling away. He could have forced it at anytime. He is much stronger than me after all but he needed this punishment as much as I needed to give it to him. I laid down against him and kissed him long and deep as I made myself come.
When it was over, I lay there on top of him and listened to his heavy breathing. He wasn’t going to get any satisfaction for the rest of the night. As for me, I was satisfied three more times before the movie was over. And I was right. Sehun’s punishment had fixed everything.

Notes