Gratefulness~ pt.4

After twelve I have to continue working and go to the practice and mom says that she's going to go buy souveniers for my brothers and then she's going to spend night in a hotel and in the morning fly back home. It's a pity that I can't spend more time with her but this is just what my life is going to be like. Very restricted and guarded. And even though I could have some time off because of her condition, I don't want to ask Yang Hyun Suk for it. I think I will survive. I would propably only cause problems and delays and it would nice if only once a group from YG could debut in time. There's only a few weeks until I get to know who I'll be working with...

At the studio I'm sitting with a few other girls and waiting for the class to start.
We are talking this and that about kpop idols, their recent and future comebacks. It's akward to talk about Big Bang, so, usually when they come up druing a discussion I try to maintain silent and just nod agreeing with others' opinions.
Suddenly Bobby comes into the room, breathing heavily like he had ran here.
"Aah!" Bobby sighs and tries to get his breathing balanced by pressing his palm against his chest. He places a stack of papers on the table. There are all the new lyrics we trainee's have written and now they just have been checked by YG himself.
"Ah, that's really annoying," Bobby inhales and exhales deeply. I look at him confused just like everyone in this room. He's speaking Korean but that's fine. I can understand some of it already.
"Sasaengs," he laughs off and points outside. "They tried to rip my clothes off. Some girls, I don't know."
"Yeah, I know. I almost got poisoned last week," always so sweet and funny Park Bom walks in and smiles like it wasn't a big deal. Bobby grins.
"Bommiee! I haven't seen you," Jennie Kim squeels like they were best friends. It makes me feel sick.
"But what? Poisoned?! Are you okay now?"
"Yeah. I'm a superwoman!" Bom smirks and flexes her arm. We applaud. She sits on the table beside the paper stack.
"Oh, you are the foreigner? I'm sorry. Can you even understand me...?" Bom says flustered as she sees me and covers her mouth as she get's confused.
"Ne," I nod slightly.
"Good. So I don't have to speak in English... I mean I can if you want to?" she asks in English and smiles widely.
"No, it's okay," I smile shyly at the queen I really look up to.
"Well, good. We are just waiting for your teacher then..."

That night I cried myself to sleep. Or did I sleep at all? I can't remember.
I don't know when I fell asleep. At what point. When I was reminiscing Joakim and the way I left him coldly to even colder Finland? Or when I was wondering what to do with Ji Yong? When I was pondering my own feelings? I didn't want to be just a new girl on his list consisted of them who would only caused him bad memories and dark times. But I didn't know if I really loved him. And it scattered me. And it didn't help at all to read an article about the relationships between Korean people and foreigners: they didn't last, they weren't serious and they were basically impossible.
It was hard to breath, my sides twitched. I was sweating. I hadn't felt such pressure in my chest for a long time. Not ever. What was it? Why was I feeling like this? Those were the questions I kept repeating in my mind. I cried under my blanket in silence and echoed my own words.
"Why can't I find the answer...?"

Notes

Seems like the story is stuck in it's place but I guess this was written at the time when I was unsure how to continue it / I didn't enjoy writing it. Sorry for that. The next chapter is way longer and has something more interesting happening in it like the teaser picture may hint to someone about something...
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Teaser for chapter 9