Gratefulness~ pt.4

The beginning of the week goes by fast as I keep up with my schedule: train, take classes, visit photoshoots, spend time at the studio, go get my teeth whitened... I learn lot of new things about rapping and about producing songs on computer.

On Wednesday evening, I'm completely tired when sitting in the lounge room after the media class and waiting for Bu Bae Kwan who's supposed to come with me to the dance studio to practice. Gyo Mi-Ok is poking the billiard balls with the cue and in the corner is sitting Tablo, glancing once in a while over his tablet. He's waiting to get to play one round against Psy who in turn looks like he's about to fall asleep under the newspaper he's holding in his hands.
"Have you seen her lately?" Mi-Ok continues the conversation.
"She's been better," I say. "It's good that Narelle has been taking care of Cecily."
"Yeah, definitely. She will get over it. Boys are just pigs. That's why I'm not dating anyone," he says abruptly and a white ball rolls to a net bag. Although I don't know much about billiard, I think the idea is to avoid losing the white one...
Psy croaks shortly on the leather sofa and gets scared of his own voice. Tablo laughs at him hysterically and Psy just mumbles something by himself. They come up with an idea and leave the lounge. Then Gyo Mi-Ok reaches over the billiard table, leans on it and stares at me.
"So?!" she squints her eyes, pouting.
"So... What?" I give her a weird look.
"How is it going with you and Mr. G-Dragon? Tell meeeh!!" she moves restlessly. I utter an akward laughter but then look at her with a serious expression.
"I don't know really..."
Mi-Ok stands up straight and looks at me worried.
"Wait!" she throws her arms in the air. "Has something happened? Did he leave you?"
I lift my hand in the air to tell her to calm down.
"Wow wow! Since when have we been officially together...?" I grin.
"Come on," she rolls her eyes. "It's too obvious."
I laugh shortly and smile a little by myself. Then I look at her again before hiding my face.
"It's just that I don't know about myself..."
"What do you mean?" she sounds sincere.
"I don't know what I should feel... And if I am feeling it. Sorry, this is embarrassing," I give a laugh and cover my face.
"No, no no! It's okay! But... Shouldn't you feel love? Right?" Mi-Ok comes to sit next to me, putting her hand on my shoulder.
"I don't know..." I say confused.
"Mineea. It's time," she says and claps her hands against her knees.
"For what?" I lift my head.
"There are questions that you should ask yourself now," she smiles comfortingly.
"Do you love him because you really love him or because you want to love him? Do you love him like a fan loves her idol or do you love him as a woman? As his future wife...?"

In the middle of the night, just before the sun rises, I'm staring at the ceiling. Traffic sounds can be heard from the window that Ariel has left slightly open. I'm thinking, hovering. Gyo Mi-Ok's questions are keeping me awake. Do I even love Ji Yong or do I just like him? Does it feel real? And question I'm wondering the most is how he has the courage to keep liking me even though he knows how different a relationship of a fan and an idol is compared to a relationship of two friends? How can he like me although I'm his fan? How did he dare to let me so close to him? Me, who propably couldn't even love him as a human? Only as an idol, as a fantasy. Maybe I had just thought that I love him automatically. I don't know how. Love isn't going to happen just like that. I know it. If I love some idols as their fan, it doesn't mean that I could love them for real. But it could not be authentic. Or... I don't know if it could.
I'm pondering if I should just carry on, learning about him more and just spending time with him. Or if I should warn him before the things are heading for more serious direction that maybe I don't even love him that much, maybe I'm just interested. Maybe he's not the one because there surely is plenty of fish in the sea. I can not just fall in love with anyone. That's just who I am. But breaking his heart... The heart that has been ripped apart so many times. The heart that has carried burden and has been patched, sewed, repaired, fixed over and over again. My body hurts. A cold tear tries to make it through the lacrimal duct. I'm having headache too because of the lack of sleep lately.
Why can't I figure this out?Why is this so hard? Love should never be so hard it hurts, would my mom say.

I push the door to the studio open and huff as I step out of the room. I'm drained.
"My mind is so full of everything! How am I supposed to remember all that?" another trainee sighs out loud as she follows me to the corridor.
"I know," I agree silently although the producing process doesn't seem so complicated. Just a little challenging and interesting. The girl disappears behind the corner and I take a look at the clock on the wall. It's almost six. I decide to get a kimbap and a chocolate milk from the market nearby, just like yesterday, and so I head to the front doors.
I see Young Bae walking in and GD following behind him. They go to the opposite corridor which leads to the cafeteria. I run to them.
"Oppaa!" I shout behind their backs like a little school girl.
"Ji-Dragon oppa," I grab around his body. Ji startles as he turns around but then smiles when he sees me. I pull myself off quickly to not to embarrass him more. Taeyang glances at us weirdly but continues walking.
"O-oppa...?" Ji Yong laughs shyly. "You haven't called me oppa before." He looks at me surprised, still not making me uncomfortable or regretful. He takes it well. I smirk.
"Because you are?" I smile widely. For a second I can imagine that I might have sounded like a fangirl for a moment. It's just because I've been thinking about the subject.
"You are literally like my oppa because you are so old," I giggle covering my mouth and his eyes widen before he pushes me gently backwards.
"Girl, that's rude!"
I laugh. And he laughs.
"Mianhe, Ji Yongah," I smile. "It's okay. You are not old. My dad is almost twice as old as you."
Ji wraps his arms around me.
"Ash... What am I going to do with you," he mumbles, inhaling and exhaling deeply. "Come eat with us."
I grin. We walk walk together to the cafeteria that is completely empty at the moment. There's only Young Bae who is already sitting at the last table with a pile of food on his tray. I follow Ji's example and try the same foods as he's having.
"This is my favorite," he grabs the ladle and pours some red sauce on my plate.
"Gomawoyo," I say a little flustered about his good manners.
We sit with Tae. Ji takes off his jacket and underneath it he has only a white t-shirt. I notice something new.
"Oh! You have a new tattoo? ...Or is it fake?" I point at his arm. A little white ball decorates his skin above his elbow. Ji takes a quick look at it.
"Yeah. I got it yesterday."
"Oh," I just sneer because I waited for an explanation, the reason why he took it.
"Does it have a meaning?" I have to ask out of curiousity even though they both seem to just want to eat.
"Oh jesus, Minea," Tae snaps but laughs afterwards to cover his anger. He seems tired when he takes the chopsticks and puts them in my hand correctly.
"Just eat! Seungri, Daesung and TOP are waiting for us."
I just nod silently at them and then focus on my meal. Ji Yong utters a laughter by himself. He glances at me after swallowing the piece of meat he was eating.
"It's just a tattoo. I just felt like having it."
This time I nod more noticeably and start to eat with a little smile on my face after getting the answer.

Notes